To have expected a bit of a break

[Pissedoff1234]

DH is a really hands on Dad. He works full time in a pressured job but when he's at home he helps out with our 4 kids and does some household jobs regularly (changes the bin, puts the bins out, empties the dishwasher, feeds and cleans the cat out and more often than not he washes and sterilises the bottles). He also helps with other things as and when such as doing the washing or making the lunch.

Earlier this year he went away with his friends to a far away destination (one which I'd love to go to) at great cost to us. I looked after the kids including our baby who was only a few months old and still waking through the night. He went, he enjoyed it and when he came on, he just went about life as usual. There were no offers to look after the kids while I took some time for myself and he was actually a bit ill the following week, probably due to the masses of alcohol he had consumed.

I went away this week on my own, with my 3 older kids. Due to the nature of the holiday, I left my youngest with my MIL. DH went to work as usual but once home at 4:30-5:00, the night was his own. To be honest, I was a little envious of the quietness he would have, how tidy the place would be and how he could do what he liked without me or the kids.

I came back after a very tiring week and again, there was no offer of respite. I just got on with emptying the cases and starting the washing.

Today we have had a huge argument as I told him I was going to do some household jobs upstairs that would take most of the afternoon so did he need me before I went up. He asked for help making lunch. I asked if he had plans for the afternoon which he didn't. I helped but was pissed off as after lunch, he could now sit and chill in the garden with the kids while I was now going to be longer with my long job.

Apparently as I had a lie in this morning and am going out this evening for a friends hen do, I should have helped him out with his jobs and offered to make him a drink as he was having a rubbish day. When I pointed out that I had been with the kids all week, he said that didn't count as it was fun. Yes he's right but it was tiring too.

We haven't been getting on well for a while so I'm unsure if it's just me making a mountain out of a molehill or him being a twat.

Basically it feels as if his day is always worse because he has a hard job. I choose to stay at home (although I do have a small part time job when I go back after maternity leave but that isn't as pressured as his role) so therefore I must love everything about my life.

Sorry cross posted. His attitude towards you sounds thoughtless and insulting.

Well he shouldn't tell you how rubbish you are, that's for sure.

I don't know, it sounds like you resent each other and have a race to the bottom to berate each other about the way you each get on with things.

No, 5 minutes didn't hurt and I did help him do it.

He has a lot of friends that do sod all at home and his own dad, while being lovely, went to work, cleaned the car and did the DIY. His mum stayed at home, looked after the kids and did all the housework. Therefore he does think he deserves massive respect for being 'different' to the norm.

In some ways, I agree but he also thinks that because I don't do everything like his mum did, I must be a bit shit.

He doesn't realise that if I was like his mum, he would automatically be like his dad and for him to differ, I will have to too.

His thoughts don't seem to match up.

You've said that he gets to spend the afternoon chilling with the children. But when you're with the children, it's work.

So which is it?!

What he said about the housework is horrible. Why did you leave it out of your OP?

You need to appreciate that coming home from a full day of work & being greeted by a messy house, grumpy kids & shattered OH is hard.
He needs to appreciate that looking after kids 24/7 is utterly relentless.

I SAH with our 3, we HE. DH runs his own business. Today is supposed to be the first time in 2 & half years that i am going to be child free (for maybe an hour IF it happens)...

What I have found is that comparisons dont help. We both agree that staying at home with our three is much harder BUT the rewards/joy much greater. Working is easier (mostly because you get to go to meals & the toilet alone!!) but doesnt have the same highs.

Be kinder to each other & communicate better! (You could also remind him anytime that he moans about his job he chose it so by his criteria has to love it...)

It wasn't the issue today I guess. It is probably why things have got worse though so guess I should have put it in.

It always feels like a contest on who has it worse. I don't want it to be like that but I feel as if I'm never able to moan about my day or something I haven't got done because of course him having a full time job always 'wins'.

I think looking after the children is fun but tiring. He would think me looking after the kids in the garden while sat in the chair is fun and me tossing it off. When he does it, it counts as a job.

He went on holiday, with friends
You went on holiday, with kids
Your choice so don't complain. And if he's ill he's ill. And you said u were going to do chores, he was watching the kids which u admitted was tiring. He did his job you did yours. Don't bitch and moan about your choices just because he has made better ones

I haven't really got the choice to go with friends. He wouldn't take the week off while I was away so I'd have to find childcare which I wouldn't do.

I have been away with friends for a shorter period occasionally.

OP, I agree you should both get yoru fair share of respite and respect, but tthat doesn't mean he can or should offer it intuitively just because you do. If you need a break, tell him - I need a break. I want to go away with friends, like you went to X, for a week. When can you get a week off work to look after the kids so I can do this?

And it's slightly double standards to say that you are doing a job upstairs while he has to laze in the garden with four kids. You know that being in the garden with four kids isn't restful. You are on accident watch, umpiring squabbles etc. It's not time off for him any more than it would be for you.

But this is my point. I agree that looking after the kids is not restful but in that case neither was my week away.

It's because you are the default parent, OP. I'm very alert to this at the moment, as I've realised that DH and I have slipped into this position ourselves, where I'm the 24/7 childcare provider but DH gets to choose what he does. So he will agree to play golf with friends at the weekend without checking with me, but I can't do the same in case DH has already made plans.

We haven't fixed it, BTW, just both acknowledged that this is where we are...

I wonder.

When relationships become generally competitive and combative even after attempts to sort it all out. -- are they worth the bother?

What's with the exotic holiday with friends from family money? Astonished how few people are picking up on that. Neither dh nor I would dream of doing that.

Some of what you post is a bit U (as a PP pointed out, why is it work when you are with the dc but not-work when he is?), but if that is really his attitude to what you do, then that is really not good and needs talking about.

Do you think he would like you to WOH more? Your OP says it was your choice to SAH.

I said what I did about him looking after them because that is his view not mine.

He told me that my week away with them was a jolly, fun and exciting but that him looking after them this afternoon was a job.

The holiday he took cost us £2000 and took 3 days out of his holiday entitlement. He only has a week off with them over the holidays now which is why I took them away last week.

Well, did you agree about him going on the holiday?

You're complaining that you don't have help with your job this afternoon, but he's watching the kids! You see it as work, so for today at least, you're equal.

You had a lie in and you're out tonight. Will you have a lie in tomorrow?

Look, he could be a selfish, misogynistic fucker, but he doesn't sound like it from what you're posting.

Book a trip away. Tell him he HAS to take annual leave for it.

Everyone has moments of despair, but he deserves respect where respect is due. You're lucky to have such a helpfully partner in my eyes. As a lone parent I struggle to sympathise, and would go as far as stop being pathetic and give yourself a bit of a reality check.

No it will be me up tomorrow.

I did agree to him going but then it got bigger and bigger like these things do and he booked it anyway without talking to me about the new bits which included it being 2 days longer and therefore more money.

I don't begrudge him time away but at the time I was fuming that he had gone ahead and booked it without a final agreement on cost etc.

Yes I guess we are equal today. You ladies have made it clear that it wasn't really about today but the general consensus from him that his life is more important and deserves respect while kissing his feet at the helps he gives me while I'm apparently rubbish at being a housewife as I used to be better (before I had any job and half the amount of kids).

Sometimes being a lone parent sounds like a better prospect than being told you are crap and lazy.

My baby does not sleep during the day or do any independent play. He knows this as he looks after them and can't get anything done but then wonders why the house doesn't look amazing and tidy when he gets home from work.

You sound as if you're both fed up and exhausted and need a break. Four children is a lot to cope with. But I think you are expecting far too much. You had a lie in this morning and are out again tonight. If I was your partner I'd be pretty fed up too. If you're not pleased why not swap roles.

You sound like me and my DH. He's a great hands on dad too, and he's the one who works outside the home. He needs things spelling out to him about what my needs are, he'll say, 'I'm not a mind reader.'

He also gets man flu lol. When he had a bad cold he acts like he can't cope with the kids at all. I wanted to nip quickly to the shops once, but he said he couldn't cope on his own - for all of 10 MINUTES. Just stick the TV on!!

What I would say is, you're probably both tired and grumbling about things. It might also be that he's not with the kids all day so for him it doesn't have the boredom factor it has for you.

When people start living together, ground rules on household duties need to be established straight away and these also need to be readjusted after kids are born so both adults are happy. It's no good going on to have 4 kids and then complaining the OH doesn't do his fair share!

When both adults are home in the house then things should be divided 50/50 so both can have equal breaks . If one adult is a SAHP then they should try and get as much as possible done in the day around the kids' routines which would be equal to their partner's working day.

I'm sorry OP but I disagree here. As the SAHP you are based from home and it's understandable that he expects you to maintain the house. If you can't do this then you need to speak up and tell him you need a cleaner etc. If you don't like being with the kids day in day out then consider a nursery and working p/t (it likely will he healthier for the kids as their mum will be happier). But you can't expect any of this if you don't speak up.

Which is what I do. My home is tidy and clean to the point that my friends think I'm super organised and the tidiest person they know.

DH has some obsessive behaviours though and can moan even if 90% of the house is tidy and the other 10% is in nice neat piles. He has massive expectations.

I love being with the kids. I do have 2 part time jobs too so it isn't as if I don't bring in any money.

We can't reverse roles as there's no way I can bring in the wage he can.

Am I the only one that thinks your husband does pretty much nothing?!

Really, everyone, look at the op again. He does the bins, the cat and the dishwasher. Big bloody woop.

As you all are no doubt very well aware, there is soooo much more than this to do around a house if you want to keep your standards high.
Shopping for food. Cooking said food. Serving the food and the clearing up the absolute carnage afterwards that inevitably comes with having young children. All the laundry (with 4 kids including a baby!). Endless picking up of toys and miscellaneous other things. Cleaning toilets, bathrooms and floors. Making and changing 5 beds. Admin and decluttering surfaces.

I have 4 children and although now they are all over 5 it is a different story, in those early days I expected much more of my dp. It is really hard for everyone, and I know he must be exhausted coming in and having to knuckle down immediately. But it is either knuckle down and help or put up quietly with the chaos and less-than-perfect home. It is just a fact of life with 4 little ones.

But OP, you are highly emotional at the moment following a big row. I think you should take time to address your resentments without the emotion coming in.
Try to distil them down to key points, then leave it until you are calmer to put them to him in a reasonable way that he will be open to hearing you.
And be prepared to be assertive and less flexible in future.