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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'Talk' to her about her comment

62 replies

MrsWhirly · 05/08/2017 10:41

I was recently promoted into a fairly senior job, so last 9months have been crazy busy.

I sometimes to to one of the PA's - Not mine. Chat about kids, family etc. I have talked about working too much and wanting to see my kids more.

Yesterday I was in the office quite late. She called over saying 'You're here late?!' I agreed and said I had to meet a deadline and would need to delay my annual leave next week. She replied saying "Gosh, you really don't see your kids do you"

It hit a raw nerve but this morning I feel quite peeved that she would say that to me, and want to either tell her or e-mail to say I didn't appreciate the comment and found it crossed the line.

Am I being unreasonable? Do I need to forget it? I know she touched a nerve, a work full time because I have to but have always wanted to work less to see my kids 9&4 more.

Thanks x

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 05/08/2017 10:44

'You are right I don't see my kids as much as I want to. So I am going to delegate more to my team. Thanks for the earth shattering home truth. Here is some cake'.

Hilda40 · 05/08/2017 10:44

YABTU. You told her in the first place!

Bluerose27 · 05/08/2017 10:45

I'd say she spoke insensitively but I wouldn't say she crossed a line. I'd forget it.

SadSongsAndWaltzes · 05/08/2017 10:45

Sorry your work is so hectic. I can see why you're upset, but I'm not sure that this comment was meant with malice. It depends how she said it, but it could easily be taken as sympathy for you as you have previously talked about not seeing your kids enough. It sounds like a "poor you, you don't get much time do you?" kind if comment. Of course the way she said it might feel different

SunnyCoco · 05/08/2017 10:47

I can see why it's upsetting but I think you would be unreasonable.

You have previously said to her you don't see your kids as much as you'd like; then a few days later she commented to say she could see that what you said was true.
I think she was just agreeing with your previous comments and because it's emotional for you it has hit home and made you realise you are sad about it.

This isn't her fault , or yours, it's just that it's on your mind at the moment
Hope you find a balance that works for you x

Nocabbageinmyeye · 05/08/2017 10:47

Massively unreasonable, you told her in the first place and she just repeated it back to you Confused you would be taking your own guilt out on her as far as I am concerned, but maybe you need to distance yourself personally for your co-workers, it's you that seems to have crossed the line, you either speak to them about personal stuff or you don't, you can't have it both ways

Neverknowing · 05/08/2017 10:47

It's a throw away comment and it happened to hit a nerve. Yes it's insensitive but I doubt she meant it in a mean way, I'd let it go tbh.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 05/08/2017 10:48

It was just a comment. I wouldn't think anymore about her saying and spend more time learning to delegate so you can see the kids more.

What is your current work/life split? Anyway you can work longer over a few days so you can have more time at home on another?

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 05/08/2017 10:48

She was insensitive and it hit a raw nerve but you'll make yourself look a bit neurotic if you bring it up.

mineallmine · 05/08/2017 10:49

I think you need to be more distant and unpersinal with her and others in future. From whatever went on in your previous conversation, she felt intimate enough with you to make that (stupid) personal comment.

Don't email her, or even speak to her. I think if you were to say anything to her, that was the time and you missed your opportunity. But just don't let her feel that you're 'buddies' and that she can make personal comments again. Maintain a professional distance.

mineallmine · 05/08/2017 10:49

Excuse typos, on phone with child jumping all over me.

CaptainHarville · 05/08/2017 10:51

I can understand why you're upset because it has touched a nerve but to be honest I'd let it go. You acknowledge that you don't feel you see them enough that is probably your guilt as a mum. I can guarantee that the PA if they are a mum feels guilty about an aspect of parenting even if she hasn't shared it with you. I bet you're probably a marvellous mum. I bet there are aspects of your parenting that are far better that others but you probably don't go sharing those with other people for fear of coming across as smug. Its far easier to do yourself down and share that with others. Try and reframe your feelings about your job, you're showing your children a fantastic role model, presumably earning more so can give them a better lifestyle. Yes there are probably negatives but no one is a perfect parent.

grannytomine · 05/08/2017 10:52

I think she was sympathising, obviously you took it to heart due to your own feelings but I don't think she did anything wrong.

Original poster
MrsWhirly · 05/08/2017 10:53

I don't think she said it or it meant it with malice, and whilst I have talked about wanting to work less and see my kids more, I have never said I don't see them or see them enough because that is not true.

I take the point about talking to her about non-work stuff in the first place. I was just being friendly tbh.

Thanks for replying, particularly those of you that offered sympathy and advice about finding a better balance. Clearly that is the issue!

OP posts:
ReinettePompadour · 05/08/2017 10:54

I have talked about working too much and wanting to see my kids more

YABU you told her in the first place. I really don't understand why you think she was inappropriate. Do you always expect conversations to just be you talking and everyone else listening and not responding?

Most people also have similar conversations and she may have thought you were just saying it moaning like everyone else but she realised you actually do see very little of your children because of working long hours as she has spotted you working late.

You come across as being one of those bosses who sees others as there to listen to you moan about your personal stuff and when they feel they are on friendly terms with you and chat/respond to you in a friendly way you then like to remind them that youre the boss and they have overstepped the mark instead of it being all your own doing. If you dont want anyone chatting with you in a friendly manner then dont share personal thoughts.

Floralnomad · 05/08/2017 10:56

She didn't do anything wrong , I think as you had already said to her that you wanted to see the children more and then say you are not taking your A/L it was a perfectly reasonable comment for her to make . Keep your business private and stop gossiping at work .

honeylulu · 05/08/2017 10:56

It doesn't seem too bad in the context you have explained. She seems to have echoed what you have told her.
One of the secretaries where I work told me there was "no point you having had your son " because I had come back to work full time. Now that was rude.

Genghi · 05/08/2017 10:57

Have a private word to her about how offended you felt and in future you would appreciate if she didn't comment on your personal life

NikiBabe · 05/08/2017 10:59

You shit on your own doorstep imo.

You openend the door and brought your personal business into work unprofessionally and now you're blaming her for making a comment that sounded like she was meaning poor you.

Jeez. Glad you're not my boss.

AlternativeTentacle · 05/08/2017 11:00

Clearly that is the issue!

Yes, part of stepping up is learning how to manage and not do.

If you are new to that level of seniority - look at the Situational Management model; depending on who you have to delegate to, the tasks in hand and whether you need to go step by step; build up the relationship to encourage them to do more work, coach them into stepping up or just hand over the work entirely. It really is fantastic.

ilovesooty · 05/08/2017 11:00

I wouldn't even have a private word - I'm afraid you blurred the boundaries in the first place.

Somerford · 05/08/2017 11:03

Sounds to me like she intended to show empathy but hasn't worded it well. You know her, you speak to her often and I would imagine that you don't think she is a mean spirited or nasty person if you confide in her. She probably came away from that exchange cringing a little bit and wishing that she had worded it better, during a real time conversation we don't have the luxury of carefully pondering every word, intonation etc and occasionally things don't come across in the way that they were intended. I suspect that this is what happened here.

If you have reason to think that she is a nasty person and fully intended to hurt you, by all means pull her up on it. If you don't think that of her, give her the benefit of the doubt and be pleased that a friend/colleague was expressing sympathy for your difficult situation despite having mispoke slightly. There is every chance that she has replayed that comment in her head many times wishing that she'd chosen the right words.

Original poster
MrsWhirly · 05/08/2017 11:04

Reinette I'm not her boss.

I'm friendly and speak to most people I meet in the toilets or kitchen, and happy to be open about my situation particularly to other women if they prove as she has.

Perhaps you didn't see or read my last post on this thread, post some constructive feedback from others.

It's just above you statement if you want to.

OP posts:
hippyhippyshake · 05/08/2017 11:05

'Crossing the line'? Does that mean you pull rank when someone says something you don't like? I like to think that if you were going to say something it would be along the lines of 'crikey, I felt a bit upset about your comment etc' and not 'please don't speak to me like that again' type of response. But as others have said, it doesn't sound like there was any malice involved.

Original poster
MrsWhirly · 05/08/2017 11:06

Thank you Somerford I think you've hit the nail on the head.

OP posts: