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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To 'Talk' to her about her comment

62 replies

MrsWhirly · 05/08/2017 10:41

I was recently promoted into a fairly senior job, so last 9months have been crazy busy.

I sometimes to to one of the PA's - Not mine. Chat about kids, family etc. I have talked about working too much and wanting to see my kids more.

Yesterday I was in the office quite late. She called over saying 'You're here late?!' I agreed and said I had to meet a deadline and would need to delay my annual leave next week. She replied saying "Gosh, you really don't see your kids do you"

It hit a raw nerve but this morning I feel quite peeved that she would say that to me, and want to either tell her or e-mail to say I didn't appreciate the comment and found it crossed the line.

Am I being unreasonable? Do I need to forget it? I know she touched a nerve, a work full time because I have to but have always wanted to work less to see my kids 9&4 more.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWhirly · 05/08/2017 11:10

Honeylulu I agree that's very rude, but I'm sure someone will come along and say it was your fault for coming to back work full time and choosing to have a kid in the first place!

Working mums and particularly those of us that work full time can't win IMO.

OP posts:
stella23 · 05/08/2017 11:12

Have a private word to her about how offended you felt and in future you would appreciate if she didn't comment on your personal life

No really don't do this, op you talk about your children, you talk about wanting to see them more, I think the tone is important.
TBH it's sounds like she was trying to be supportive not nasty.

pringlecat · 05/08/2017 11:19

YABU. You're upset because what she said was true, rather than because she crossed a line or wanted to make you feel bad. The truth always sounds 100 times worse when spoken out loud by someone else.

You're delaying your annual leave, but you are going on annual leave - presumably with the kids? So you have some quality mum time to look forward to. Rather than let the comment hurt you, try to see it as a positive reminder to enjoy the moments that you do get to share with your kids.

Being a working parent is tough - the fact you're so upset means you haven't lost sight of why you're putting yourself through this. You're working to make a better life for your children. Be proud of yourself.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 05/08/2017 11:22

I think the issue is that she's right and that you aren't actually happy with the situation at work and she's hit a nerve. Tbh I work full time but if I was in a job where I was expected to delay annual leave/ work lots of unpaid overtime I would be looking elsewhere or putting my foot down, it sounds really demanding. But then I have chosen a couple of times not to go for promotions for this reason.

She phrased it insensitively though and it came out wrong. I don't think it's about pulling rank actually; and that you've talked to her previously is only vaguely relevant.

Original poster
MrsWhirly · 05/08/2017 11:25

I'm not her boss people. Thanks.

And thanks again to every who responded honestly and constructively.

Those of you saying your glad I'm not your boss, I am equally glad you are not on my team.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2017 11:29

I'm struggling to see anything wrong with what she said. You told her you want to see your kids more. She listened, took it on board and as a fellow, empathetic human, she fed back that she sees your sacrifice. From her POV, you were heard. She didn't tell you to go home or cross any boundary you didn't cross first.

If you don't want that kind of relationship with her, you have been given some great advice about how not to overshare. I wouldn't tell random people in rl that my brother is an abusive prick and my mother is a narcissistic bitch for example.

RainbowPastel · 05/08/2017 11:32

She only spoke the truth which you have found hard to hear.

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 05/08/2017 11:34

I agree that she was really only responding to a point you had already mentioned, that you wished you spent more time with the kids, and then obviously it touched a nerve with you making you feel guilty.

It is really hard finding a work life balance, I am self employed and struggle all the time, but hopefully things will settle down at work soon and you will be able to leave earlier, take time off etc.

I know that you want to make an impression, but do you really have to delay your leave? If you were struck down ill, somebody would have to sort your work out, so surely the same applies with holiday? If you are not there, it will get done somehow if it needs to be done?

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 05/08/2017 11:35

YABVU. You'll look daft if you do email her.
You have already set the tone of your relationship with her. That is the only reason she made the comment. You told her your personal feelings and she responded. She's not a sounding board and it's not one sided. Be more professional if that's the relationship you want with her. She's your PA not your agony aunt. Poor woman.

BenLui · 05/08/2017 11:36

She was insensitive and I think it was pretty natural for you to be upset by her comment.

It's massively unfair, she is unlikely to make the same kind of comment to a male colleague.

On the other hand a male colleague is unlikely to have talked about his personal feelings on work life balance with a junior colleague.

It's frustrating but I think you probably (inadvertently) opened the door to it. She shouldn't have said it but I don't think you can pick her up on it either.

I'd just marker her off my "personal chats" with list. Keep your conversations with her to work only or to only very trivial stuff.

She clearly doesn't have the sensitivity to deal with a closer relationship.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 05/08/2017 11:37

Correction - she's a PA not yours, just read that.

colacolaaddict · 05/08/2017 11:39

I think you should leave it and move on.

Yes it touched a nerve but what line on earth did it cross? It was just a casual conversation, not line-crossingly different to mentioning you can't wait for Friday or commiserating that it's tough putting the kids in FT childcare in the holidays. Can you imagine how it would sound to her if you brought it up again? "I said I didn't get to see my kids enough, then you said I didn't get to see my kids enough. You crossed a line." With the best will in the world, surely a "WTF?" response would be understandable from your colleague.

You could have said something at the time but the moment's gone, let it lie. You're stewing over it because she hit a nerve, not because what she said was clearly, demonstrably out of line IMO. It MAY have been a bit of a knife twist but to go back over it would give it legs it doesn't deserve.

Wibblywobblyfoo · 05/08/2017 11:58

Yabu
You set the tone of the conversation previously. You can't now complain about it.

Imamouseduh · 05/08/2017 12:07

It's not her fault she hit a raw nerve with her comment. It slightly thoughtless maybe on her behalf but you would be petty and unprofessional to raise it with her. Let it go (along with your guilt).

KC225 · 05/08/2017 12:10

Chalk this up to experience. You should have not revealed personally woes to your colleagues and maybe in future you will be a little more guarded. As others have pointed out you said it first and she made a throwaway comment with your own words. Ltd rwalql wasn't that bad, at worst a clumsy attempt at empathy. To email or speak to her, to pull rank would cause an atmosphere. Instead of speaking to her why not speak to your manager regards to workload, surely that would be more constructive.

Bluntness100 · 05/08/2017 12:13

I think you're shooting the messenger because you don't like the message. You made this a personal relationship by talking to her about your private life. She hasn't crossed a line, it was a throw away comment. Focus on why it's upset you so much, not the fact it was ever said.

OhTheRoses · 05/08/2017 12:15

Hmm. I've worked with plenty of women over the years who find the chink and twist the knife especially if they are a little bit envious and would have liked the promotion but don't like going above and beyond.

I'm not convinced a line wasn't crossed or that it was just insensitive. The problem is defining the line and you will look the bigger prat for rIsing it and Miss Innocent will rise smiling from the stink bomb she has laid and you will be damaged and the one gossiped about.

Smile and nod. Say nothing and keep your powder dry. Moving forward don't overshare. Save your true feelings cor MNet.

Enjoy your holiday when it gets here. Am old and would say time invested in work now reaps benefits for your family later on.

Itsaninlawsone · 05/08/2017 13:23

I think PA-ing can be a tough ask. You don't always have much contact with other colleagues at your level in the hierarchy but it's still nice to have the occasional chat at work with those around you. It's easy to forget yourself and your 'place' and say a little too much. Especially if the waters have been muddied by some previous personal chit chat.

Also, before becoming a working mum myself I might have considering saying something similar thinking I was being understanding/sympathetic. Obviously I now realise that would have been far from helpful.

I feel guilty about how much myself and DH work too but it's guilt that's the issue here in my opinion- not a throw away remark made by your colleague. If you don't want her to have any further insight into your life- definitely don't discuss it with her as it'll be clear as day that you have big issues/guilt over not seeing much of your kids.

PuppyMonkey · 05/08/2017 13:31

I also think she was just trying to be empathetic following the previous conversations you've had.

As in "I bet you'd prefer to be with the kids than working here in a Friday night, isn't life unfair?" Not as in "crikey you heartless bitch, abandoning your kids in a Friday night, how could you?" Etc

Palace2 · 05/08/2017 13:45

Sounds like she was being sympathetic to me, definitely not trying to upset you, you would be blowing this out of proportion if you said anything. Poor women was trying to be nice.

BewareOfDragons · 05/08/2017 13:50

Please don't say anything. This is about you, not her. She hasn't done anything wrong, and you have invited personal conversations and commentary from/with her.

If you want to see your children more, figure it out. Don't take it out on a PA.

GahBuggerit · 05/08/2017 13:54

Sounds like a pretty harmless comment but it hit a nerve. Be more confident in your own choices would be my first bitnof advice

My second bit would be don't be one of those newly promoted people who starts asserting their authority, even if you aren't that's how it may be seen, and wouldn't do you any favours in the long run. Seen it happen way too often.

TheFrendo · 05/08/2017 14:14

It sounds like she was being sympathetic, not judgemental. You would be very unreasonable to have a go about her comment, which merely underlined what you said to her.

Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 14:17

Work relationships can be complicated, but as others on here have said, I would think that your colleague was only continuing to relate to you on a personal level, possibly seeing you as a potential friend who she could sympathise with. She might have said something like 'I know the feeling, it's crap isn't it?'

I would let it go, tbh, but if you don't want such a personal connection with this lady then distance yourself from her a bit.

Ok you're not her boss, but you're senior to her, I think that's what posters have picked up on.

Hope you have a nice holiday. Smile

Migraleve · 05/08/2017 14:21

It always amazes me how so many people are bothered by quite literally nothing. This person didn't say anything other than an agreeable comment about what you had previously told her.

I would have responded with a 'yeah sometimes it's a nightmare but sometimes it's great haha' type comment.

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