Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to feel sad for my son over my friend's child?

74 replies

starlight13 · 04/08/2017 21:03

Would like some opinions please as I have been festering over this alone for 2 weeks now and it's pretty ridiculous.
Basically, as many primary schools do, our school hands out end of year achievement and endeavour certificates, so 2 children per year. We are a small rural school with only 15 in each class so you could assume that over the 7 years that your child is there, they might get a certificate once?
It is very difficult for me to get over the fact though that my friends' son has now had this certificate three years in a row. Sure, I expect he's done some good work to earn it in some way - but 3 years on the trot? It's basically giving a fingers up to the other 13 children in that class by saying that over all 3 years, they still haven't achieved as much as this one boy and if I'm totally honest, I think she makes out to the teachers that he's not doing so well and he finds school difficult but that is because she doesn't do anything adventurous with him outside of school. She is so protective of him that he can't even attend the school cookery club in case he 'cuts himself' ! She tries to get sympathy for her child over the other children and they seem to fall for it!
It's difficult because we are good friends, as are our children, we live a few doors from each other and I regularly collect her child etc and the boys play. She on the other hand works (part time) but can still never offer lifts to school, sporting events etc and she also basically picked up and then dumped the PTA into a right mess because 'she' doesn't have time - who does? She is also very opinionated and has put many people's backs up - one mum in the class barely talks to us because of the things (long story) that my friend has done to her - this alone makes me feel torn although I think that I'm beginning to see my friend in a different (not so nice) light now.
I have 3 children (2 at school) and my son has tried so hard as have all of the others in his class every year. My son is an August baby, barely gets picked for anything at school as opposed to said child who is October and gets picked for everything all of the time!
I know that it's not important in the grand scheme of things and it is the teacher who makes these decisions but my son has asked me if he will ever be "good enough" like his friend and it's heartbreaking at this age (8).
Do you think that this is fair and encouraging behaviour from a primary school and would you say anything? Schools need so much extra help nowadays to top up funding but quite honestly, I'm fed up with this lack of feeling from them and think that I should just simply take my children to and from school and stay our of anything extra that the school 'need' me for (like friend does).
Or is it a classic case of the more your child tries or helps or is good at something ( because they HAVE put the effort in) then the more they are expected to do to get noticed?

OP posts:

talonofthehawk · 04/08/2017 21:04

So you're THAT parent.

emilybrontescorset · 04/08/2017 21:06

Is it 3 different teachers who have given out the award?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 04/08/2017 21:08

Get a grip. Life is short. Seriously.

OhOhDearling · 04/08/2017 21:09

yes, yabu, but it's not nice to be feeling so churned up so flowers [op]. I think there's a lot of resentment built up - but try and separate out the different strands, so you don't end up taking the wrong things out on the wrong people (99% of what you describe isn't actually school's fault but more the fact this woman seems to be more of a frenemy). Since this one lad always gets the prizes, and thirteen kids consistently don't, it's clearly nothing personal.

BarbarianMum · 04/08/2017 21:12

With a mother like that it sounds like he does need an award tbh. Why do you call this woman a friend btw?

Coconut0il · 04/08/2017 21:17

The certificates mean nothing, forget about them. You're over thinking them and making them into something that matters much more than it does.
Your 'friend' does not sound like a real friend at all. If you feel she is taking advantage withdraw offers of help.

Starlighter · 04/08/2017 21:18

YANBU!

I'd have a chat with the teachers. They need to value each and every one of the children. The little stuff like this means a lot to them at this age! Everyone deserves recognition for something.

My daughter is one of those middle of the road children. Never misbehaves, always good, but never the best at anything. She's constantly overlooked, it drives me mad!

Sushi123 · 04/08/2017 21:20

It does sound a bit unfair. Surely the school should have recognized this. However, what's done is done. Your relationship with your friend is actually the real issue here. You now see her in a different light, once that happens it can be difficult to get past. It's only been a couple of weeks and your feelings are still a bit raw. Give it a few weeks and see how you feel about maintaining the friendship

NotMyPenguin · 04/08/2017 21:26

This doesn't seem to be about your son, it seems to be about your dislike for his schoolfriend's mother!

If you're worried about what he said about the certificate, talk to the teacher and find out what the criteria are for achieving one. You can always tell her that he's said he'd really like to get one, and that you'd like to help him understand how he can work towards it in future years. Then at least the teacher knows it's a big deal for him.

deblet · 04/08/2017 21:36

Teachers do have favourites unfortunately. With my two children who are a year apart it is my autistic son who wins everything my daughter nothing. It is hard for her but I try to make it up to her with rewards for good school reports and things. I have pointed it out in the past to staff esp when I was a school governor and she strangely used to win a certificate or something that week but he is definitely better liked than my daughter and she is a sweet girl. Never in trouble, a good student etc. It's not fair.

Beebee7 · 04/08/2017 21:41

YANBU. School politics is bollocks. And in my experience, the kids who got the awards all the time, were the ones who were not doing too well academically and/or badly behaved. To give them some kind of 'encouragement.' rolleyes ... So of course the kids who tried hard/did well got overlooked/fucked over.

Maybe tell the teachers how you feel. This shouldn't be allowed.

Coconutspongexo · 04/08/2017 21:48

Why are you bothered about how the mum is with her son? In terms of being slightly over protective? There might be a reason why.

YANBU about the other child always getting awards so often and I can imagine it's disheartening to your son but the issue is with the school not the young boy or his mother.

SirVixofVixHall · 04/08/2017 21:50

I agree with Beebee, I wish they were more honest with the children about this- my dd at eight was coming home saying that she wanted to be really, really naughty, because then she could be better for a week and finally get a certificate....!

namechange20050 · 04/08/2017 21:53

You call this woman a friend? You seem to really dislike her.

RainbowPastel · 04/08/2017 22:00

I'd love to hear you describe someone who isn't your friend if this is what you think of your friend.

BadPolicy · 04/08/2017 22:03

I agree with namechange you don't sound like you like her at all.

Also, if there is an award for achievement then the child who achieves the most should win it. Even if that is the same child repeatedly. It would make more sense to have awards for effort etc.

Viviennemary · 04/08/2017 22:12

If this kid keeps getting the awards then it's simply the best. That's life. Why does the fastest runner get the gold medal.

camtt · 04/08/2017 22:13

I know a lot of people wouldn't, and I know it won't make you popular but I would point it out to the headteacher saying 'don't know if you noticed but in this small class in which only two awards are made each year the same child has had an award each year?'. They probably aren't aware, but it''s a small school a bit of coordination should be possible. And certainly I know that life isn't fair as I hear very often here, but that's no reason to allow unfairness to persist without pointing it out. If they've got a great reason for that child to have the award every year then fine, but they probably don't.

mummymummums · 04/08/2017 22:14

I'm not a fan of these awards to be honest. In your case it sounds like it's not a case that every child will get one - two a year over seven years means only 14 would get one, with one child left out which would be wrong.
Sure, for reception and early years they make sure everyone gets one but by 8 it's usually on merit. But there are always favourites in every school. Possible the staff concerned didn't realise this was his 3rd year running?

Original poster

starlight13 · 04/08/2017 22:16

Appreciate your comments thanks and yes, each 3 years from a different teacher but they must write it down and log it each year surely - there are only 95 children in the school! It seems a bit spiteful to the class tbh - love to hear thoughts of any primary teachers on here...
I didn't say earlier but the other award was handed out to a boy who had bullied my son for a few months earlier in the year! This I think, is why I am taking it a bit more personally for my son because the teacher knew all about it and still gave it to him - what is that saying to other children? 'Bullying is ok as long as you stop it and are good before the end of the year'!
Actually I was really shocked when that boy was called out but you are all right, the middle of the road children are constantly looked over and I guess it's reached a crescendo with this final stab. I do feel that I need to raise it just because it is immensely unjust.
I will try and offer less to my friend - It's not the boys fault though and because we live so close, it's really awkward.
Not sure what you mean talonofthehawk?

OP posts:

hungrypanda2008 · 04/08/2017 22:22

Sorry this is probably not helpful but it helped my child who is now 9. She is an average ability, v hardworking girl who is eager to please. A July birthday so has taken quite a while to catch up academically. We've had the whole certificate thing. I was always blaised about it. Told child it was only a piece of cardboard some stressed out teacher had a minute to think about and wasn't a big deal. The only person she needed to impress was herself. However my child wanted the 'tea with the headteacher'. Wasn't so bothered when I told her the awards were probably given to kids who were naughty and had made a little progress that week/term or their mothers were pushy and would be very upset if they didn't get one and how pathetic that was over a piece of card/cake that the school would forget who they gave it to the following week. Both her dad and I are secondary school teachers but a lot of her aunts are primary school teachers so we used to joke at the beginning we'd give her a certificate if getting one off a teacher was so important.

HighAlert · 04/08/2017 22:25

I think they should choose a different child each year.

brittabot · 04/08/2017 22:31

Has your son raised this or is it from your own observations?

mumdebump · 04/08/2017 22:34

It does seem ridiculous to only have 2 awards at the end of the school year. Do the children get recognised throughout the year at all or is that it? Our local v v small rural primary school has a class award each week - it can be for achievement or endeavour or something else of note that the child has done that week. It's entirely at the discretion of the class teachers. At the end of the year, they celebrate every individual child and find something to praise - that might be being brilliant at maths, or at football, or being really helpful with the younger children, or for persevering with something that they've found difficult.
I would speak to the school to see if they can come up with a way of celebrating and encouraging more than just 2 of the children with their achievement and endeavour certificates.

Beebee7 · 04/08/2017 22:37

@sirvixofvixhall

I agree with Beebee, I wish they were more honest with the children about this - my dd at eight was coming home saying that she wanted to be really, really naughty, because then she could be better for a week and finally get a certificate....!

Aww how sad. I can well believe it though.

@viviennemary

If this kid keeps getting the awards then it's simply the best. That's life. Why does the fastest runner get the gold medal.

Sorry but that mindset does not apply here. The awards that are given out at school are either due to favouritism, or as I said before, to encourage the kids who are not doing so well. Happened all the time when my kids were at school, and it happens now with my friends kids. It's awful really. No wonder Sir vix's daughter thought she may as well be naughty.

When mine were at secondary school - last decade, the 6 worst behaved, lowest achieving kids in her class, got to go with 40 others who were also low achieving, badly behaved kids, on a trip to Alton Towers, paid for out of the school budget. Apparently, they got this special treatment because they were 'problem children who needed encouragement.' To do what exactly???

Where is the roll eyes smiley on this site???

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread