AIBU to feel sad for my son over my friend's child?

[starlight13]

Would like some opinions please as I have been festering over this alone for 2 weeks now and it's pretty ridiculous.
Basically, as many primary schools do, our school hands out end of year achievement and endeavour certificates, so 2 children per year. We are a small rural school with only 15 in each class so you could assume that over the 7 years that your child is there, they might get a certificate once?
It is very difficult for me to get over the fact though that my friends' son has now had this certificate three years in a row. Sure, I expect he's done some good work to earn it in some way - but 3 years on the trot? It's basically giving a fingers up to the other 13 children in that class by saying that over all 3 years, they still haven't achieved as much as this one boy and if I'm totally honest, I think she makes out to the teachers that he's not doing so well and he finds school difficult but that is because she doesn't do anything adventurous with him outside of school. She is so protective of him that he can't even attend the school cookery club in case he 'cuts himself' ! She tries to get sympathy for her child over the other children and they seem to fall for it!
It's difficult because we are good friends, as are our children, we live a few doors from each other and I regularly collect her child etc and the boys play. She on the other hand works (part time) but can still never offer lifts to school, sporting events etc and she also basically picked up and then dumped the PTA into a right mess because 'she' doesn't have time - who does? She is also very opinionated and has put many people's backs up - one mum in the class barely talks to us because of the things (long story) that my friend has done to her - this alone makes me feel torn although I think that I'm beginning to see my friend in a different (not so nice) light now.
I have 3 children (2 at school) and my son has tried so hard as have all of the others in his class every year. My son is an August baby, barely gets picked for anything at school as opposed to said child who is October and gets picked for everything all of the time!
I know that it's not important in the grand scheme of things and it is the teacher who makes these decisions but my son has asked me if he will ever be "good enough" like his friend and it's heartbreaking at this age (8).
Do you think that this is fair and encouraging behaviour from a primary school and would you say anything? Schools need so much extra help nowadays to top up funding but quite honestly, I'm fed up with this lack of feeling from them and think that I should just simply take my children to and from school and stay our of anything extra that the school 'need' me for (like friend does).
Or is it a classic case of the more your child tries or helps or is good at something ( because they HAVE put the effort in) then the more they are expected to do to get noticed?

Not sure which one it is but there is an online program that lets your child work through a subject and each time they finish it the can print a cert. used to be Sesame Street on a CD.
It might be worth this summer letting your child play it and print it each time he gets it all right, so with blue tack he can cover his walls in the things, I am thinking Cert overload here. so he can desensitize himself to the things, and see anyone can get them and it means nothing.

I'm a teacher. With only 15 kids in the class, i'd have given them all a certificate, one for Maths, spelling, handwriting, being helpful, good manners, improved effort etc.

Mittens1969 I realise now that this friend thing has been stewing for a while and I have been feeling taken advantaged of. I guess the issue with the award feels like she is saying to me ' Look how great my family are' and rubbish yours are.
I know it might sound pathetic to you TeaCake5 but I'm thinking about my children and this is my life I'm afraid.
I hate anything unjust in life and just wish that schools didn't do these sorts of things as I can't see the benefits at all.

I work in a school (I am not a teacher) and it's so frustrating to see the quiet, hardworking, 'under the radar' types never receiving any accolades. However, I also wouldn't be a teacher in 2017 for all the tea in China.

YANBU and it sounds as though the other parent is 'that parent' not you. The chronological age issue is real and you could give you an angle to raise this with the HT. Teachers do have favourites and do tend to overlook quiet, well behaved children. I have encountered teachers are not even particularly good at recognising individual children's abilities and progress. The whole business of awards and prizes is fraught with difficulties as your post highlights.

It's nothing new, in the 60's when I was at a Convent school only the RCs got awards, prefect or Head Girl posts etc. When my DCs were at school the naughty children received so-called Behaviour awards which didn't exactly enthuse the other children. My DS had the misfortune to have a teacher who openly stated she didn't like teaching boys. There were only 4 girls in the class who inevitably goats any certificates etc going.
I do sympathise with disappointed parents and children but there's little one can do about it other than encourage your dcs to do their best.

Do you take you ds to activities where he gets certificates elsewhere? That helps a lot. Dd has never had the highly coveted award at school, she's going into yr5. However, she has now won the good team player type award at judo two years running. I queried it with the coach as she had it the year before and I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. He assured me it was a no brainer. So sometimes you can get awards elsewhere.

Dd is in a class of more than 30. There are two classes to each year group. At dds school, you have a 3 tier award system. Everyone from the class gets a certificate at least once a year as these are given out weekly. Then there are certificates given out to two children in each class at half term. Then there is the much coveted award given out each half term and is shared between two year groups so yr1/2, 3/4 etc.

In your position, I would be writing to the head and explaining how your child feels and ask them how they can address it. That only one child from each class only ever has the opportunity to achieve the award once in year really is a bit much considering how much time they spend at school.

You need to get used to this or by the time you get to the end of year 13 you are going to be insane.

It happens to lots of children, mine included, took 13 years to get a single award, after she had left and couldn't go back to collect it because she was on placement, and it was for "endeavour" so not worth a shit.

DS's Junior school gave out a Merit Certificate every term to a boy and a girl so 6 in Y3, 6 in Y4, 6 in Y5 and 6 in Y6 (plus extra awards in Year 6 as well). DS never won it at all. I will never forget watching him in his Year 6 assembly with tears rolling down his face...he wasn't crying because he was leaving but because he so wanted a tiny piece of recognition for all the hard work he put in. Without boasting either he was always quote high achieving...got the highest Maths SATS score in the school last year. As an adult I know the awards don't matter but it did to him.

Fast forward to the end of Year 7 he has got more awards/certificates than he ever did throughout his entire time at Junior School...they are all proudly displayed on the fridge.

My dc went to a country school with multiclass situation. My ds1 is dyslexic. He spent hours on homework . Worked so hard. No rewards. Dd1 is a whizz kid. Hardly touched the books. Constant rewards. She also won local art competitions poetry writing etc so wasnt short of encouragement.
I had a word with their teacher as they were both in the same room although different classes. She looked at me blankly and said Oh l never though of that!!! I am a primary teacher and sometimes l despair .
But op just to say that boy may have dyspraxia hence the danger around knives. Never presume you know all thats going on in a childs life.

@starlight13, I understand, I know things can fester if you feel taken advantage of, and the friendship feels one-sided. I remember years ago, I was the only one in the social group I was in who had a car, and I ended up being used for free lifts to places. I started to feel that I should be wearing a chauffeur's cap! Then I got wise and stopped being a mug.

We get more equal friendships if we don't allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. Sounds like this lady is not a proper friend. From what you've said it doesn't seem likely that your DS had much of a friendship with her DS either so it won't be a loss. And they can still play at school anyway.

Re the awards, I like what a pp said about more awards being presented, and in small classes why not all the children? There are so many things children can be given awards for.

The school I currently work at gives out no awards/ certificates at all and I love that. The best praise is what takes on the spot eg little Johnny writes a story which shows he has progressed a lot. The teacher says 'I'm so proud. I liked it when you did this, this and this.' Teacher may even read the story to the rest of the class. Little Johnny goes home with a smile on his face.
Just to add, I never got a single award all the way through school. I definitely wasn't a favourite. But I won every award I was eligible for at uni .

One school near here awards all the year 6's with a prize and certificate at the leavers assemble - its brilliant - not one single maths or sports award

They are all leavers and treated exactly the same - as it should be

I hate these things, frequently unfair and very often counterproductive in my opinion. They also cause unpleasantness. One of my kids went to school with a girl who was very bright and very well behaved, the school gave an award at the end of year 6 for "The Child of The Year" and it wasn't for one particular thing, the teacher and Head would choose a child and then say why they got it. This girl got it and Head read out about her good behaviour and high academic achievement. I saw her mother in tears later and comforted her as she was upset by nasty remarks that had been made.

Three years later her younger child and mine were in year 6 and my child got the award, he got it for sporting, music and academic achievement. As I walked up behind my "friend" at the school gate she was talking to another mother and they were moaning about my child. I think they eventually sensed me giving them the evil eye and turned round. They said hello and I ignored them, I wanted to say something about how she felt 3 years earlier but I knew I would say to much so said nothing. It was a horrible end to 10 years at that school and for what? A piece of paper my son soon lost.

She sounds like a bitch Granny but there's plenty of them in every school. (Parents I mean)

MissEliza, the sad thing was she was being a bitch but generally she was a nice person. I really liked her and we had been schoolgate friends for a long time. It was really hurtful.

I do think awards and certificates given to the few are counter productive. They make one person (who gets the award) feel fantastic, and the rest feel rubbish. Primary schools are unfortunately really bad at this. Our yr six leavers celebration was exactly the same. About 120 kids there and only six got certificates. So were the other kids so terrible that they had to walk out of there feeling rubbish? I think not. But that's no doubt how they felt. Primary school teachers do often chose the same kids for awards. It doesn't seem to happen so much in High School. I don't think it's something that will ever change. Same kids picked for all the races on sports day (surprise surprise they then win the sports girl/boy award), same kids picked for school plays, same kids faces in school twitter site. And if you complain, people say "oh, you are that parent"!!!

I used to like the system at the senior schools my kids went to, all year you could collect points for behaviour, effort, results or whatever. At the end of the year there were a variety of awards you could get e.g. a pen with the school crest and in a nice presentation box, or a book to a certain value or whatever. All the kids could realistically get something and the vast majority did. It also kept the motivation going all year as they would say I'm on level such and such so I can get this or I am only 2 points away from that. It was a nicer system. A kinder system.

DS school do this - only the worst kids get the most points to 'motivate' them !

I don't think any system is perfect. My DD's school has 30 in a class. They have a 'pupil of the day' award, so every day has a different child as the chosen one. Even then for most children it feels like it's never them. They struggle to see that they will only get a turn a few goes each year.

They also have tokens for their house system with tubes filled with tokens at different heights showing the house progress. I wasn't paying much attention to DD2 (2 yo) at a school event, only to find her happily posting tokens into the tubes .

QuackDuckQuck that is priceless. Fighting the system already, I like her style.

GreenTulips that is a shame, it seemed to work well at my kids school as the points were given for a wide variety of things. Certainly my DD, very bright, very hardworking, very well behaved (none of her brothers managed all 3) managed to get decent awards and in her case it wasn't because they were trying to motivate her. Thinking about it the subject she was absolutely rubbish at and was also totally unmotivated in was PE and they never gave her a point so maybe they weren't big on motivation.