Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel sad for my son over my friend's child?

74 replies

starlight13 · 04/08/2017 21:03

Would like some opinions please as I have been festering over this alone for 2 weeks now and it's pretty ridiculous.
Basically, as many primary schools do, our school hands out end of year achievement and endeavour certificates, so 2 children per year. We are a small rural school with only 15 in each class so you could assume that over the 7 years that your child is there, they might get a certificate once?
It is very difficult for me to get over the fact though that my friends' son has now had this certificate three years in a row. Sure, I expect he's done some good work to earn it in some way - but 3 years on the trot? It's basically giving a fingers up to the other 13 children in that class by saying that over all 3 years, they still haven't achieved as much as this one boy and if I'm totally honest, I think she makes out to the teachers that he's not doing so well and he finds school difficult but that is because she doesn't do anything adventurous with him outside of school. She is so protective of him that he can't even attend the school cookery club in case he 'cuts himself' ! She tries to get sympathy for her child over the other children and they seem to fall for it!
It's difficult because we are good friends, as are our children, we live a few doors from each other and I regularly collect her child etc and the boys play. She on the other hand works (part time) but can still never offer lifts to school, sporting events etc and she also basically picked up and then dumped the PTA into a right mess because 'she' doesn't have time - who does? She is also very opinionated and has put many people's backs up - one mum in the class barely talks to us because of the things (long story) that my friend has done to her - this alone makes me feel torn although I think that I'm beginning to see my friend in a different (not so nice) light now.
I have 3 children (2 at school) and my son has tried so hard as have all of the others in his class every year. My son is an August baby, barely gets picked for anything at school as opposed to said child who is October and gets picked for everything all of the time!
I know that it's not important in the grand scheme of things and it is the teacher who makes these decisions but my son has asked me if he will ever be "good enough" like his friend and it's heartbreaking at this age (8).
Do you think that this is fair and encouraging behaviour from a primary school and would you say anything? Schools need so much extra help nowadays to top up funding but quite honestly, I'm fed up with this lack of feeling from them and think that I should just simply take my children to and from school and stay our of anything extra that the school 'need' me for (like friend does).
Or is it a classic case of the more your child tries or helps or is good at something ( because they HAVE put the effort in) then the more they are expected to do to get noticed?

OP posts:
TeaCake5 · 04/08/2017 22:40

Get a life

MissEliza · 04/08/2017 22:40

I don't think schools should give out awards like that at all. I'm a TA and honestly I can't think of a class where you could honestly pick out one or two children for the whole year. Sure some kids work harder or do better than others but to pick out one or two? No way.
I do get your feelings about your ds. My dd's teachers give a weekly award and she didn't get it once this year, despite getting an outstanding report, all As for work and effort and a glowing personal comment from the teacher. It's all the naughty kids who get the weekly awards, for managing to behave for a whole day or something like that. I find it's the same in many schools

HighAlert · 04/08/2017 22:42

How is telling the OP to get a life helpful?

I'm so sick of reading dick posts like that on MN.

Beebee7 · 04/08/2017 23:03

@MissEliza

My dd's teachers give a weekly award and she didn't get it once this year, despite getting an outstanding report. And for work and effort and a glowing personal comment from the teacher. It's all the naughty kids who get the weekly awards, for managing to behave for a whole day or something like that. I find it's the same in many schools

Great post. Thanks for that, and for verifying what I (and another couple of posters said) is actually true.

@HighAlert

Couldn't agree more. it's just spiteful saying 'get a life!' How rude!

HighAlert · 04/08/2017 23:09

It's all over MN now. Spiteful posts just because.

And if you challenge you get reported and threatened with a ban, yet these sort of posts are acceptable? How is that right?

millymae · 04/08/2017 23:16

Nothing useful to add to the debate but I agree with you High Alert, comments like Teacake5's are just unnecessary.

GreenTulips · 05/08/2017 00:04

Told child it was only a piece of cardboard some stressed out teacher had a minute to think about and wasn't a big deal

Good - because that's what it is - shame parents have to say these to a child - but it's better than feeling not good enough

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/08/2017 00:12

I teach a Reception class and log every award and certificate so that I know who's had what and when. It sounds nuts but just because a child arrives in September able to do x, y or z doesn't demean the effort it might take another child to do the same thing, so I try very hard not to compare them to anyone but themselves.

That said, I know many teachers simply don't have time to check previous weeks/months/years awards and certificates prior to choosing. It's a shame for your son but try not to show him that you're disappointed or upset by his lack of award; it shouldn't be a big deal to him at all.

GreenTulips · 05/08/2017 00:22

it shouldn't be a big deal to him at all

Why make a big deal of it then? The assemble - clapping - prizes trips -

You can't make it a big deal and then tell kids it isn't

HighAlert · 05/08/2017 00:23

Of course it's s big deal to kids to win awards at school.

HorridHenrietta23 · 05/08/2017 00:23

I HATE these awards and if I ever had a school of my own I'd ban them.
Child of the year..... Guaranteed to make 1 child feel great and 29 children feel crap.
I bring my class back from the prize giving assembly and do my own "prize giving" where I recognise an achievement of each child with a certificate and a tiny prize.

But realistically the only way forward it to teach your child that these things are essentially valueless and the best reward is the satisfaction of knowing that you gave 100%

GreenTulips · 05/08/2017 00:26

AND - why teach kids all year about fairness and equality where every child has unique qualities strengths and weaknesses - but guess what? One of you is far more deserving than anyone else -

WhooooAmI24601 · 05/08/2017 00:31

I work for a school which insists upon these awards. Requests come each and every week from the Head asking for who I'm choosing. This isn't something I choose to incorporate into my classroom, it's something most teachers have thrust upon them.

As a parent, I take my DCs to lots of activities; they ride horses, swim, do judo and a few other things. Because of this, they have access to certificates and achievements and gradings and all sorts of things that I think are based more on merit, effort and hard work. As a family, we celebrate these awards far more than we do the school ones. Not because I don't value their education; I really do. But I know that the school ones aren't always fair, they aren't always well-thought-out and I don't want my DCs growing up thinking school awards are a huge deal.

paxillin · 05/08/2017 00:42

I'm a university lecturer. My colleagues, whilst all holding PhDs and several publications in good journals, often report they were quite unremarkable at school, especially at primary. Hang on in there, ignore the awards, they won't help anyone, not even on the narrow field of academic achievement.

Very few of the kids who walk at 10 months rather than 13 walk any better in the end, let alone turn into Usain Bolt. This is true for the early readers and those with the awards at primary, too.

Do you think that this is fair and encouraging behaviour from a primary school and would you say anything?

No, but I would not say anything. The motivation of those who succeed in life comes from within. Confidence will come from ability and from overcoming hurdles, not from a poundshop badge aged 8.

alibongo5 · 05/08/2017 00:42

It's all bollocks when you look back on it but at the time, it hurts. My daughter was a hard-working, conscientious and quiet child. Never got an award but now on course for a 1st class degree from UCL. (yes, I'm very proud!)

My son on the other hand once got a science award because of his hard work creating a torch for his homework. What actually happened was that on Sunday evening he suddenly announced he had to make a torch for the following day. My husband loved this sort of thing and sat down with him and went through the whole subject explaining circuits (or whatever???). But my son hadn't listened in class properly and his homework was actually something like "look up how a torch works" or something. So his achievement was actually completely undeserved and as a result of him not really paying attention in the first place.

But as I said, it's hard at the time.

Mittens1969 · 05/08/2017 00:43

The thing that stood out as completely wrong is that your DS's bully got an award when the teacher knew about it! How is that ever going to encourage children to behave well? That must have really made you feel awful, OP.

It's odd about your this other boy winning the award 3 years in a row, it really would be worth asking about the fairness of that?

What I don't get is the hostility you have towards this woman who you refer to as a friend?

paxillin · 05/08/2017 00:44

X post with alibongo5. Totally agree.

PopGoesTheWeaz · 05/08/2017 00:49

Rather than putting down the award (even if it IS a rushed decision its a bit mean to rubbish it) instead focus on promoting confidence and bedding down the idea that DS should be proud of his efforts. Lots of studies talk about how we shouldn't teach our kids to seek out external approval but instead imbue an internal approval feedback loop

PopGoesTheWeaz · 05/08/2017 00:51

crosspost with paxillin who sums it up much better than I did The motivation of those who succeed in life comes from within.

alibongo5 · 05/08/2017 00:57

Yes @paxillin - I remember my daughter getting quiet satisfaction at secondary school when she got a better result for history than the person who got the "history prize" but who was a more "in your face" confident type. I'm sure that over the years my daughter sometimes felt that it was frustrating not to be recognised for her hard work and good behaviour - it was always the golden children or the badly behaved ones who got the prizes never the ones who were quietly getting on with working hard.

MrsOverTheRoad · 05/08/2017 00:58

I don't see how people think it is "unfair" that one child has won the certificate more than once.

Unless it's an "empty" award...like those silly effort things. If it's an honest award for the child who'se done the best then perhaps this boy is the rightful winner.

That's how class prizes were when I was a child. Not something all children took a turn at!

paxillin · 05/08/2017 01:07

Unless it's an "empty" award...like those silly effort things

I teach medical students. They all tend to come with AAA* grades at A levels now. Regardless, I find the ones with the big effort turn out to be the luckiest and most talented in the end. I'm all for effort awards if we must have any awards at all. Otherwise you just reward an early developer, that's all.

AnnaFiveTowns · 05/08/2017 06:49

Yanbu. I hate these end of year presentation things. I really don't see the point of them, other than to make 95% of the school feel a bit shit about themselves. And I say this as someone whose DD received two end of year cups out of a total of 10 this year.

DeadGood · 05/08/2017 06:59

"However my child wanted the 'tea with the headteacher'. Wasn't so bothered when I told her ... how pathetic that was over a piece of card/cake that the school would forget"

I think you might have overdone it a bit, hungry

Pengggwn · 05/08/2017 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.