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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rethink this decision with DP?

52 replies

MsBeeSting · 04/08/2017 16:05

So background-- DP and I have been together 2 years. I am unemployed at the minute and homeless as a result of this so I stay with DP. I cannot stay at other family for various reasons not valid to this thread. The plan is when I get a job, hopefully if my interview this weekend works out, then DP and I will move into a new place together. (He currently shares an apartment with a cousin).

So last night DP had some upsetting news that his grandmother who lives in Asia was robbed of all her money 10k+ by a man posing as a policeman so in her elderly state being threatened by 'police' she gave them what she was told she owed.

DP feels sick at this obviously as she is old, now with no money, all family live in the UK now and they need to get money to her asap.

So due to having a lot going on, he's asked me to stay elsewhere this morning. Now I know he's very stressed but AIBU to think that if we are to move out together within the next few months, then he should be wanting me around in situations like this and that we should be able to share the same space when he is upset.

When were both on a tenancy he won't be able to ask me to stay elsewhere for the night. So I don't know how to feel that he's done it today when we practically live together (been staying with him 4 months).

He's done this occasionally before when there's been family problems.

OP posts:
BlondeB83 · 04/08/2017 16:22

Seems very strange in a long term relationship but maybe it's a cultural thing?

Pengggwn · 04/08/2017 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WatchingFromTheWings · 04/08/2017 16:45

Where does he expect you to stay?? Odd that he would not want your support.

luckylucky24 · 04/08/2017 16:47

My DH has problems discussing things sometimes (didn't tell me hid Gdad had cancer about 18m into relationship) but wouldn't as me to leave. perhaps he is not ready to live together?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/08/2017 16:48

How much like your home has he made it? Has he given you wardrobe space/sorted your stuff in/etc?

I'm wondering if this is an indication that you are there because you have nowhere else to be, rather than that he wants you there. I've been homeless and living with a partner as a result too, and that's how I'd interpret his behaviour.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/08/2017 16:51

Very bizarre imo! Where does he expect you to go?

Original poster
MsBeeSting · 04/08/2017 16:53

It is very much like my home. The only reason I would say staying with him rather than living is I am not contributing anything towards rent and bills which he has paid for the increase since I have been there. I think it's very much that he is really upset by this and doesn't want me to see his emotions. But moving in together properly in the next few months, he's going to have to let me see him on his downsides. He has done this a lot, pushed me away when he's vulnerable but things will have to change won't they.

OP posts:
Kintan · 04/08/2017 16:53

Is there anywhere else for you to go? If not and he is aware of that then he is being completely unreasonable and you should probably rethink everything. I don't see how the two things - his grandmother being robbed and asking you to leave are connected.

nonstop84 · 04/08/2017 16:54

Are his family aware of you? It's not a secret relationship is it?

Euripidesralph · 04/08/2017 16:56

It is something he needs to get over ...I mean keeping things separate

Sympathetic because I find it very hard in crisis to be around others but in a relationship that's part of it

I do think you need to gently explain it to him but I also advise don't try and take over or tell him how to handle it...I've had this happen and makes me pull away almost instantly

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/08/2017 16:56

I'd still be worried, personally. And I'd also insist on contributing, so it felt like home, even if it's not 50/50.

If he pushes you away when the going gets tough, this will be hard. When you live together officially, you can refuse to go - but you can't stop him taking himself away, and I'd be cautious that a relationship has no real future on those grounds. He's pushing you away when he should be pulling you close and allowing you to support each other.

I'd suggest a serious conversation but you'll need to pick your moment.

Ditsy1980 · 04/08/2017 16:56

Are his family aware of you? Maybe he hasn't told them and is worried it'll come out if they're coming round/face-timing etc to sort the situation with his Gran out.

DixieFlatline · 04/08/2017 16:57

I think it's very much that he is really upset by this and doesn't want me to see his emotions. But moving in together properly in the next few months, he's going to have to let me see him on his downsides. He has done this a lot, pushed me away when he's vulnerable but things will have to change won't they.

I would absolutely not waste any of my time waiting to see if he magically turns out to be a normal, sane individual with a healthy way of dealing with problems. He won't be. Cut and run.

LizzieMacQueen · 04/08/2017 17:00

Are you 100% sure that the story about his grandmother is correct?

Ellie56 · 04/08/2017 17:03

Weird. Are you sure this is not a secret relationship?

Viewofhedges · 04/08/2017 17:05

Agree with Lizzie. Can you be sure his family aren't being conned? Without meaning to sound very unkind, anything that involves sending large amounts of money overseas really ought to be properly checked out.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 04/08/2017 17:06

The story doesn't quite add up to me. I could be wrong.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/08/2017 17:06

My first thought was that his family, apart from the cousin, dont know about you. It is a mixed relationship? It could be that his parents etc wouldnt approve and so he is hiding you.

VladmirsPoutine · 04/08/2017 17:07

I hope you get the job, gain financial independence and ltb. If you're already walking on eggshells and trying to placate him at this point then you're setting yourself up for failure in the future.

Original poster
MsBeeSting · 04/08/2017 17:09

Not a secret relationship no, his work is a family business and I've been to many family events so met aunties uncles cousins and siblings. Only not met his parents as they live in Scotland.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath I can't contribute as I'm not working.

Story is 100% true

OP posts:
13Crows · 04/08/2017 17:12

You say "He has done this a lot, pushed me away when he's vulnerable but things will have to change won't they."
Ummm no it doesn't sound like he'll change.

Isetan · 04/08/2017 17:18

This is who he is and moving in together is not going to magically change him. If you can't sort it now, then there's little hope it will be different in the future.

KirstyJC · 04/08/2017 17:23

You can contribute in other ways than just financial - housework, etc. And are you getting benefits? You could give a token amount of that towards the running of the house, even if it isn't what you are costing.

What does he say when you ask him why he wants you to leave at a time when he should be wanting your support more than usual?

DeadGood · 04/08/2017 17:23

"I also find it Confused that you feel you should describe yourself as homeless when you are living with your partner"

This

IHateUncleJamie · 04/08/2017 17:36

Why aren't you getting any benefits if you're unemployed and "homeless"?