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Original poster

Accused of lying - help me understand why people hate me

51 replies

Looklock · 04/08/2017 14:02

I posted recently about a work situation. I was fired cos 2 colleagues basically invented a scenario between them and said they could no longer work with me.

I've now found out that they accused me of lying about having a miscarriage last year in order to help their claims against me. My boss believed them too. This all got way to stressful for me to deal with so I now have a solicitor handling the matter for me and have all of my discharge and doctors notes re the miscarriage for him to forward on as appropriate.

But it's left me shell shocked that people would be so awful. I've had similar happen to me before in another job. A colleague I believed to be a friend confided in me about lots of personal issues she was going through, I helped her and was there for her whenever she needed me. Towards the end of our friendship she had begun to slag our other colleagues off to me which I didn't choose to join in with.

I then went on holiday and come back to find she had told our colleagues that I had been saying all of the awful things SHE had said about them. She'd also told them I had lied about my parents being dead Confused which I assure you is fact. It was all so crazy it took me a long time to deal with it.

I often have people instantly disliking me in new jobs and I've taken to not sharing any details about myself because I've been accused of making stuff in the past. I'm so nervous around people and feel like I can't read their intentions. Often I've answered questions believing it was an innocent conversation only later to realise it was either a phishing exercise or an attempt to drop me in it.

Have I just been unlucky or am I just one of those people others love to hate?

OP posts:
Hapaxlegomenon · 04/08/2017 14:10

That sounds like awful bullying - reminds me of school! Poor you having to go through it. It sounds like the people who you're working with are very immature - are they very young? In my work place I can't see this happening, even to someone who people don't get on with that much. I'm are it's not you OP

iamhazel · 04/08/2017 14:30

Flowers LookLock Awful situation. Who would think adults could be so immature and nasty? Sad

Original poster
Looklock · 04/08/2017 14:30

They're actually older than me. Thank you for the kind reply, my DH and friends keep telling me it's just bad luck but I can't help feeling I need to make some serious changes as this has happened more than once.

I'm normally very outgoing and do find that people quickly open up to me, this has usually only been a positive thing in the past but not recently. This has all happened since I moved to a new area too, I'm from a big city and living in a very small town.

It's making me doubt everything about myself. I feel like an idiot to have let this happen and I don't like who I am anymore.

OP posts:
headhurtstoomuch · 04/08/2017 14:37

Think you are sharing way too much with people that are work colleagues and quite personal things i.e. Miscarriage. Whilst I can understand telling a senior manager (time off etc) not sure it's the kind of information best shared with general office colleagues. Perhaps they think you are over sharing to get sympathy, time off? Did you take time off and did their workloads increase because of it?

Bluntness100 · 04/08/2017 14:39

This is really unusual. Once, ok, we occasionally all meet someone deranged, but twice is something else. Do you know why they are turning on you like this? These are terrible things to lie about.

I don't understand why you were fired though, or have to prove you had a miscarriage?

People are not like this in general. It doesn't seem they don't like you, clearly they start off doing so and confiding in you, but something is causing them to turn on you.

Mothervulva · 04/08/2017 14:40

I have a friend this has happened to a couple of times; she's really nice and a great friend. I've often wondered why she had someone so this to her and the conclusion I came to was that she's very open and chatty and friendly to people. This led to me wondering if the people who lied about her found her an easy target. She was so open it wasn't hard for them to use/lie about her. Are you overly open?

Bluntness100 · 04/08/2017 14:46

Mother, I don't understand why that would be the case. What is the motivation to lie about someone for no reason? And surely being open makes it harder to lie about someone.

Things like a death in the family, or a miscarriage that required hospitalisation are easy to prove.

PoppyJ1 · 04/08/2017 14:50

Headhurtstoomuch, I don't think anyone should be criticised for talking about miscarriage. It's that kind of attitude that increases the stigma and makes it a harder and lonelier experience for those of us who have been through it. Personally, I didn't feel able to talk to many people about it but I applaud those who do and help lift the stigma.

TheEricaOlthwaiteGang · 04/08/2017 14:52

Do you have friends outside of work that you are close to OP?

HazelBite · 04/08/2017 14:56

I think people who live in cities are less invested in gossip than those who are in a small town.
Don't give much info about yourself out, keep your own counsel, don't, in future give anyone (other than senior managers) any personal info about yourself, don't give them any ammunition.
Just be pleasant, polite and professional.
Good luck finding a new job.

headhurtstoomuch · 04/08/2017 15:01

@PoppyJ1 - But surely within the realms of an office environment something's are just best kept private?

OP asked why colleagues are turning against her. Perhaps over sharing with info on what she could tell her close family / friends is the problem.

Original poster
Looklock · 04/08/2017 15:08

You all could be right about the oversharing, I will certainly put a stop to that. I'm much more of a listener than a sharer but find that alone can sometimes make people wary so I will share if asked. The colleague who told people I had lied about my parents had lost her dad and mentioned it very regularly. I shared only when she asked and that was months down the line.

The reason they knew about the miscarriage was because I had started experiencing pains in work on the day it happened. I then took the next few days off but their workload wouldn't have increased. I received texts from both seemingly worried about me so I told them what had happened. Received lots of pleasantries in return.

I had no idea they didn't believe me until it came out last week.

I have a couple of very good friends outside of work that are supportive but live in my home city which is 4 hours away. They give me the biased friend pep talks of 'they're jealous, ignore them, etc.'

OP posts:
Mothervulva · 04/08/2017 15:09

I mean they knew a lot about her and told lies specific to that situation. I'm not explaining it very well. One of them said she'd betrayed their confidence and was bullying her. I'm just throwing it out there

MagicMojito · 04/08/2017 15:09

Headhurtstomuch Shock even if OPs colleagues workload did increase, so what? That's down to management to sort, not OP. There is literally no justification for them to be arseholes after OPs miscarriage. Even if she did have extra time off.

flumpybear · 04/08/2017 15:09

I feel so much for you. Some people are such wankers!!! I had someone hate me when I was doing a PhD and she tried to turn everyone against me and also said the same as your coIlleague, things she had slagged others off about actually came from me!
Thankfully it wasn't a work issue it was personal and people knew she was lying and it was awkward but she's the out cast now thank god the fucking absolute bitch!! But it did affect mood and my life really

I'm so glad you've got solicitors
Involved - teach those evil bitches a lesson they'll never forget - lying and bullying is not acceptable, with any luck they'll get sacked for it and you'll either get compensation (ask for a LOT!) or reinstated at work

If you do decide to walk from the job make sure you secure yourself a legally binding good reference too - get your solicitors onto that

Good luck and I really wish I could give you some courage as you sound very low - but be strong and remember they're in the wrong, and what a hateful and hurtful thing to say about a miscarriage too ffs
FlowersStar

TheUpsideDown · 04/08/2017 15:11

You're not the only one - I have been in two separate jobs, literally one after the other, where colleagues bullied me, sabotaged my work and made up untrue stories about things I hadn't done to get me into trouble. It was devastating the first time and I ended up off work with stress and then quit when I realised I just couldn't go back for the sake of my mental health. The second time I was angry and made formal complaints before leaving.

I think its because I'm actually fairly quiet, private and people assume I'm 'stuck up'. (I was once mocked and accused of being 'posh' because I brought carrot and celery sticks from home to eat!) I'm not stuck up or posh, I'm a nice person and a good friend, but I take time to settle in and feel comfortable.

Can I ask what the reason was for you being fired?

Original poster
Looklock · 04/08/2017 15:12

I was fired because the three of us were after the same promotion essentially. The two tried to make me look like a trouble causer by concocting a story which included the miscarriage as an example of past lies.

I don't have to prove the miscarriage but it will help to clear my character and highlight what they're up to.

OP posts:
PoppyJ1 · 04/08/2017 15:12

I wouldn't feel comfortable discussing it at work myself but some people are. I have friends who are very open about it and I think they are brave.

"Over sharing" is not a justification for people to bully a colleague. If so, these people are probably assholes anyway and looking for an excuse.

Who honestly thinks it's acceptable that someone gets bullied for reasons related to miscarriage and parents dying and that it is also the victim's fault?

Pollydonia · 04/08/2017 15:12

It's bullying pure and simple. It's not you op, some people are drawn to nice people and see them as soft targets. Flowers

Lifeofpies · 04/08/2017 15:13

I think you've been incredibly unlucky and I'm so sorry for what's happening currently. I remember your other thread. Well done for taking it to a solicitor. Sorry to say that maybe just being a bit more guarded / boundaried would help.

Lifeofpies · 04/08/2017 15:13

And yes, it's bullying and utterly unacceptable. Don't blame yourself

notaslimceagirl · 04/08/2017 15:15

Op are you very good at your job?

lizzieoak · 04/08/2017 15:17

It may have just been bad luck, but it's wise to look at it and see if there's something you can do to guard against it in the future.

I've had work problems, but mostly with bosses bullying. My experience has been more overt, and I'm really tired of it. Why are people so awful at work, and why are most of them other women?

Original poster
Looklock · 04/08/2017 15:19

Sorry to see you have both been through this too, flumpy and upside. Flumpy that is part of the reason I'm feeling so low, that no one was able to see through their lies and trust me like they did with you.

Upside I've had very similar with the two colleagues. I brought all of my food from home and they mocked it. Once I left my container open whilst I quickly nipped to wash my hands and I come back to my food covered in coffee that had 'accidentally' been spilled. The logistics of such a spillage made no sense and it was quite obvious when they couldn't stop giggling Hmm

They also made regular digs about me being posh and a 'daddy's rich girl' when obviously I am not. This was all based on me having a degree.

OP posts:
lizzieoak · 04/08/2017 15:21

And yes, absolutely being open does in no way justify bullying. Some people just wake up in the morning and think "how can I feel more powerful by making X feel like shit? I know, today I'll (fill in the blank)."