Accused of lying - help me understand why people hate me

[Looklock]

I posted recently about a work situation. I was fired cos 2 colleagues basically invented a scenario between them and said they could no longer work with me.

I've now found out that they accused me of lying about having a miscarriage last year in order to help their claims against me. My boss believed them too. This all got way to stressful for me to deal with so I now have a solicitor handling the matter for me and have all of my discharge and doctors notes re the miscarriage for him to forward on as appropriate.

But it's left me shell shocked that people would be so awful. I've had similar happen to me before in another job. A colleague I believed to be a friend confided in me about lots of personal issues she was going through, I helped her and was there for her whenever she needed me. Towards the end of our friendship she had begun to slag our other colleagues off to me which I didn't choose to join in with.

I then went on holiday and come back to find she had told our colleagues that I had been saying all of the awful things SHE had said about them. She'd also told them I had lied about my parents being dead which I assure you is fact. It was all so crazy it took me a long time to deal with it.

I often have people instantly disliking me in new jobs and I've taken to not sharing any details about myself because I've been accused of making stuff in the past. I'm so nervous around people and feel like I can't read their intentions. Often I've answered questions believing it was an innocent conversation only later to realise it was either a phishing exercise or an attempt to drop me in it.

Have I just been unlucky or am I just one of those people others love to hate?

Think you've just been really unlucky OP. In 29 years of working I have never experienced this directly (and I am a very sharing person!), but I have seen it in other departments. I've known the "victims" and they have been some of the nicest people I know.

What has always been a common factor, in my experience, is they work in departments which are mostly women (sorry, but it is!) and you can find sometimes a certain type of exclusive, we are special, clique develops where there is unconditional loyalty to each other and a sticky sweet superficial niceness to others. It doesn't matter if you have worked with them for a long time or just new in the door, if you don't fit in they want you out of their territory. Weak management doesn't recognise or avoids the issue as everyone is nice.

The good news is you wouldn't want to be like them anyway, the bad news is, if you find yourself in that environment you need to decide if you can find a way out of it (promotion, side step) in the same company, or if its better for your longterm wellness to find a different job.

three of us were after the same promotion essentially. The two tried to make me look like a trouble causer by concocting a story

Thats exactly when I first got bullied - when I was competing with a more popular colleague (along with some others) for a promotion. I look back now and realise they were getting rid of the popular colleagues biggest threat - me. Because I was bloody good at my job.

I let them win. I left with stress and the popular colleague got the promotion. This is whats happening here with you. You are their biggest threat. They've gotten rid of you with bullying and lies.

Im glad you have a solicitor. Fight them. Don't let them beat you like I do. Its one of my biggest regrets.

Thank you all for your kindness. I will be more guarded in future and see if that helps but right now I'm struggling to see me ever being confident enough to start a new job.

Not - I am good at my job, I work extremely hard at it because I love it and I also have a few qualifications that others don't have because they're not necessary but are seen as desirable. I did them because I enjoy what I do and never mention them but often find I'm given extra responsibility because of it which then leads to questions from colleagues. In most of my jobs my boss has had to clarify why I've been given slightly higher level work to do which has led to some animosity but the instances in my OP seem purely personal.

Looklock, them being believed in lying about you doesn't have to do with you though. And there may be some who do believe you but are scared of them. Bystander problem.

My exh lies like a rug and if you didn't know this is what he does, you'd find him quite believable. I think he believes himself when he's coming out with this stuff.

At my current job I feel like the scapegoat as I get blamed for mistakes that literally anyone in the office could be making (as everyone has a hand in where the errors occur). And they wonder why they can't retain staff.

Good for you for suing!! That is so strong of you.

Oh you're the lady who posted the other day. One colleague falsified another's records and showed the boss and you told the woman whose records were falsified that the other woman showed him, and as such they both complained about you lying about it and the boss fired you as they all felt you couldn't work together? Small company?

Now they have also accused you of lying about a miscarriage? And you're having to prove via a solicitor you didn't falsify time off. Why do you have legal representation, were you not under the two years?

Complex story. Were you fired from your previous role also where the colleagues said you lied about your parents deaths or did you resign?

I've seen this type of behaviour in the workplace (although not as nasty as in this case), particularly where colleagues who are struggling feel threatened by a more successful/better qualified colleague. I'm sorry you're going through this op.

I remember your other thread, OP.

I'm glad you have a solicitor acting on your behalf now, it's completely wrong you've been treated like this.

Perhaps you're too nice a person and people can easily take advantage of you? As hard as it may be, try not to let a few nasty people alter your way of seeing others.

Thank you Lizzie, sorry to see you're going through a difficult time at work too. Bad management has a lot to answer for in most work situations I think. Your line 'My exh lies like a rug' did make me smile though, I'll be using that in future.

Bluntness - yes that's me. I'm under 2 years so can't bring a claim for unfair dismissal but my legal action has come about from them refusing to pay me what I'm owed and refusing to give a factual reference. One of the two colleagues has also been attempting to contact my sister's employer and my previous employer who she asked for a reference from pretending to be a potential new boss.

My solicitor also spotted in my contact that procedures should have been followed but were not. So he is contacting them to clear my name, get a factual reference and make sure no further action is taken by the colleagues against me. I don't think there'll be any compensation involved.

I left the job with the woman who accused me of lying about my parents. Between that one and my last job I worked for a great company for years without a problem.

I'll second the "pretty/posh" theory.

Inverse snobbery is vile

As a mature student working in service industries till I get qualified I always pull my weight, and 100% keep to myself

However, I've frequently got some lunatic banging on about how "I think I'm better than them" (and then trying to "trip me up socially" as a result)

With bullying, my opinion is there is often a "ringleader" who goads a couple of others and then they gain a horrific momentum.

The irony is, a lot of these types actually are fairly keen on social climbing themselves - it's just spite and jealousy.

In retail, I had one female senior manager suggest I should drop out of my course and have a baby ( she actually works to pay for private schools for her own children none have actually done that well but then karma is a bitch ) and when I ignored her lunatic controlling rantings made my working life a misery after that.

She encouraged some of the chavvy 18 year old boys on my team to make my working day hell then claimed I "wasn't a team player" and I was "jealous of them"

I bit my lip, assembled strong evidence, threatened external action and the media, and got transferred. Could have gone further but didn't want the hassle. It was horrrendous at the time but I'm glad a faced it up.

thing is, those allegedly "posh" qualities have stood me in very good stead in other areas of my life and I'm not going to "dumb down" as it won't look good when I take up that postgrad place at a vair nice uni

Also I'm not proving I didn't falsify time off. That's not been raised. My boss said my character was in question because of what had happened and it was also brought to their attention that I had potentially lied about the miscarriage. My solicitor is presenting the evidence to show I've been truthful.

I think you inadvertently made yourself a soft target. Being kind and gentle, a good listener. I do think your colleagues are threatened by your persona and resorted to a horrible witch hunt because it made them feel better about themselves.
I would love to be a fly on the wall when your medical records prove what lairs they have been.

OP I remember your last tread and I feel just as bad for you now. Down right bullying behaviour from all of them. I've had this kinda no of bullying behaviour before, although not as serious. I'm definitely a target for these types as I'm quite and shy so now when I meet a group for the first time I stamp my authority all over the place, I die inside doing it but if I don't I just become target no 1. Bullied really badly in my first job when I was too young to know better, same as u people just telling complete lies about things I'd said. Even after several witnesses were present in the meeting where I said these 'supposed' things she didn't back down and I remember vividly everyone refusing to make eye contact, it destroyed me for years. I'm older and wiser now and really marking your territory works.
It's in NO WAY your fault but as assertive course might really help you.

If your colleagues are contacting others unsolicited, I wonder if this comes under stalking/ harassment? Police matter. Anyone?

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I have not experienced this in my career nor am I aware of any bullying of my colleagues taking place.

My sister however works for the NHS and has been bullied terribly in different roles she has had since qualifying. My sister is a very lovely caring person but she is not assertive, instead she is very timid and I wonder if that's why people have targeted her. Also the bullying has always been carried out by slightly older less educated other woman and I do believe that it is because of jealousy.

I hope you are resolve some of the issues by the use of a solicitor, with regards to you pay and getting a factual reference. I can't believe your employer would not agree to that!

Some people are just really strange like this, op. I've seen it throughout my working life, and, as a junior many years ago, I saw it happen at executive levels.

The bullies always seem to be people with massive insecurities in some way. Those insecurities just make them vicious.

Thanks Look. It's affected my confidence as well. I'm resigned to being bullied at whatever my next job is (& am very much thinking about leaving the sector to try to find work where it's less likely to happen - working one on one essentially).

It's not you. It is them. Sad bitches.

Be careful about being a good listener. You actually sound like a really good person so chances are your pleasant aspects are showing up some right horrors.
Yes a lot of people are MFs.
Sorry to tell you that . x

People in workplaces can be horrible. For next time try not to tell any personal details or get too close to people even if they seem friendly. For the first while at least. But I agree that you have been particularly unlucky having those two in your workplace. If they accused you of lying and you didn't you may have a case for unfair dismissal. They sound jealous because you had better qualifications.

Lizzie - that sounds like a good option, to move sector and work one on one so as to avoid having to work with potential bullies but it's such a shame that you would even have to consider it. There needs to be more laws in place to protect people from workplace bullying.

I can't believe how many people have been through similar. It's awful. If people are being bullied they can either leave without ever bringing the bullies to account or endure it for 2 years just to get some legal involvement, and the latter option is just impossible so the bullies are free to do it over and over again.

I do need to make changes in myself though. I'd love to be the kind of person that others wouldn't even entertain such accusations about, no matter how little they know about me. I definitely need to be assertive too, I'm awful at it. I'll often put myself down to appear more submissive in the hope I'll be left alone but I think it just highlights me as a weak person.

This sounds awful, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I have thankfully only experienced similar at one workplace in my life. This was in sales, and I was consistently the top seller and therefore got the best commission, etc. My boss did not help matters (she was awful) by saying to some of the low performers "Well if NotThe can do it I'm sure you can manage it!"

What really did help me after leaving was the realisation that I am not necessarily "normal" - I don't watch most TV, I'm not interested in the things that most women are supposed to be, my political views are significantly left of centre, I don't give a shit about societal norms. And that is all okay but it does mean that a lot of people won't "get" me, and a small minority will find me threatening and will try to undermine me.

Their actions say everything about them, and nothing about me (or you.)

I hope your solicitor can get you a good result and that gives you some closure.

Ladies - (and any gents) I wasn't justifying what had happened to OP just giving potential examples of why it MIGHT have happened....

Sorry this is happening to you, OP.

Here are some unpalatable truths about work, learned from bitter experience:

1. No matter how kind you've been, or how much you've helped them, or how many times you've listened to them droning on about themselves in an attempt to build a relationship, some people will turn on you in an instant if it suits them.

That might be because you're changing the status quo, or they feel threatened by you, or they feel slighted in some way, often because they are paranoid and over-sensitive. That's just how they are.

1. Many people are basically lazy and want to do the minimum work possible, in the same way they have always done it. If there's not much staff turnover, it becomes endemic.

Woe betide you if you're the new girl with better qualifications, or experience of doing things better. Even if you've been specifically brought in to improve the business, the lazy buggers will immediately want you out and will find a way to do it. You're threatening them by being better.

1. Many, many managers are lazy bastards who just want an easy life and look for a quick way out of staff problems. Yours, for example. Your colleagues have been there for years and he/she will have got used to keeping on the right side of them for an easy time.

Your manager probably knows very well that you're not at fault, but what's the easy way out? Losing the person with less than two years' service, that's what. Rather than taking on two old timers who are known for being vicious and would undoubtedly turn their spite on your manager, and try to get him or her into trouble. He or she will be too cowardly to face that prospect.

As for what to suggest: I wouldn't want to become the 'trust nobody' type, and nor should you. That would be a miserable existence. I'd suggest being a little more detached, as others have noted, and finding somebody senior and trustworthy that you can call on for support when you need it. Then when you do something your colleagues don't like, e.g. implementing a new idea that will mean that they have to work a bit harder and can no longer slack off, somebody is looking out for you.

Good luck with your next job.

I'd add say I think the bullies aim
is often to get the target "stuck" psychologically, or emotionally (especially within shit organisations where the people in them are very emotionally and socially incestuous and like others to be the same way)

Make sure you're progressing with and emotionally engaging with other areas of your life, whether that's further qualifications, fitness or fashion goals or your personal life.

OP were you bullied as a child? If so, there may be something in your behaviour now that sort of marks you out as someone who can be bullied. It's not so much a matter of people turning against you, as people who're awful anyway attaching themselves to you. Therapy could help in that case.

It sucks anyway, as you sound lovely.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. You've all given brilliant advice that I've saved in my notes and will definitely follow.

Nettle - everything you've said in your points makes so much sense and really applies to my situation. I'll keep it in mind if I'm ever faced with this again in the future.

Thank you toomuch. It's interesting you should ask as I was actually bullied in primary school. I was chubby, wore braces and glasses, and had a rather fetching leg support brace due to a fracture that never mended correctly. So as you can imagine I was an ideal target. Secondary school was completely fine though, I was a proud member of the geek squad and we had a great time