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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step parenting

78 replies

princessachica · 03/08/2017 19:15

Okay I am currently pregnant I look after my daughter full time at home... my partner has a 3 year old son.

There is many things I am noticing that I'm not sure weather my step sons mum is doing or not for example ... his lower lip is beginning to get very saggy and cracked from where he sits with his mouth open ALL the time... so when ever my step son comes over I keep reminding him to close his mouth I just simply say "*name close your mouth darling" and he closes his mouth and put a sad face on. I tell him to close his mouth because in the future I don't want him to have not to sound rude but a big drop lip. I've told my partner he needs to speak to his sons mums about his lips and tell her to keep reminding him to close his mouth my partner ignored me.

He also throws stuff on the floor that he doesn't want for example food he will throw the little banana white strands onto the floor and i once told him to pick it up and throw it into the bin to teach him that's not good my partner told me to "leave him"

Also his teeth he has plaque on them so I've bought him a tooth brush and use my dd tooth paste and make him brush his teeth. I've also told partner to tell his mum to brush his teeth he ignored me.

Once my partner was feeding him and he didn't like the omelette he gave him he just spat it out all of himself and tried to hit the omelette out of my partners hand and my partner laughed and moved his hand so the omelette wouldn't go on the floor and my step son went to his moved hand and tried to hit it again and thought it was funny I stepped in and said U need to tell him he can not do that my partner ignored me.

My partner bought him 6pack of yogurt I said after dinner and my partner blatantly ignored opened one and then fed him the yogurt in my face... after dinner he let his son eat all 5in my face!!!

Also my partner hasn't been spending time with him my partner picks him up in the morning and comes home gives him to me and goes to work as a barber and I take the kids round to the barbers so his son can get his hair cut then after he cuts his hair we all go home and he takes him home no dinner with him nothing he only sees him when his hair is getting cut because he has palmed him off to me this has been happening for about 1 day every week for a month now my step sons mum doesn't even know I'm left with their son by myself. I know she wouldn't be happy.

I don't mind doing it but his son doesn't have manners I tell him to say thankyou he refuses to say it he doesn't cover his mouth when he coughs he is still in diapers and is doing full poos in them that I'm having to change and recently his son has been crying when his dad goes to work and my partner still leaves I really don't know where I stand here

I am seriously fed up of my partner making me feel like I have no say in what goes on in his sons life seriously I feel disrespected when things like this happen.

I don't know what to do with this situation my partner putting his son on me who seems to not been taught anything ... no manners no thankyou please coughs with no hands and poos and wees himself I feel out of control because I have been made to feel like he is not mine so I don't have a say but he's 3 come on ...

I just don't know what to do ?

OP posts:
Original poster
princessachica · 03/08/2017 20:23

I just need to figure out what to say to him the mother has a right to know that I am looking after his son not him

OP posts:
Aquathest · 03/08/2017 20:23

OP - How old is your DD?
How many days a week does your DP work?

ilovegin112 · 03/08/2017 20:26

Im sorry i would not of got pregnant by a man who treats his ds like that, poor little boy no wonder he's sitting looking sad he probably knows nobody in that house likes him

ilovegin112 · 03/08/2017 20:28

Imagine how you will be feeling in a few years when he's treating your daughters like that

Original poster
princessachica · 03/08/2017 20:32

And you can't say no one in our house likes him or DD love him to bits and I am always playing or treating him

He won't treat our daughters like this he has a bond with them that I think he doesn't have with his son cause he wasn't in a relationship with his mother he wasn't at the birth or anything no connection but with our DD he is different I don't know what I can say to him or where to start I don't want a argument with him ...

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2017 20:35

You really can't look after a child you're not allowed to parent. It's ridiculous.

His son gets no benefit from time with his dad because his dad's not bloody there. I'm sure you're doing everything you can and it's nice for the children to have time together but it's just not working if your partner is so unrealistic and disrespectful. It's a terrible example to his son and untenable for you. How are you going to manage when your new baby is here and you're looking after your daughter and trying to wrangle a little boy who has been told he can do whatever he wants and doesn't have to listen to you?

It's a disaster in the making and completely unfair on everyone.

You have got rights here you know, just be clear that you're not prepared to do childcare in these circumstances. I'm sure his mum would be happy to have him if he's not actually spending any time with his dad. And if she's not, well they're his parents so they can make arrangements between them which don't involve you doing everything while no one listens to what you have to say.

You can't influence how his mum brings him up. You probably can't change his dad's neglect. But you can stop enabling you partner by letting this continue.

ilovegin112 · 03/08/2017 20:37

I don't care,he should not be treating a little boy of 3 like that, thats no excuse

Allthewaves · 03/08/2017 20:37

You have a dp problem

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/08/2017 20:38

It doesn't need to be an argument. He's not bothered about putting you out, it's harder now as it's obviously been going on for a while, but you can change it so screw him and his unreasonable behaviour and just say no.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/08/2017 20:39

Actually it sounds worrying if you have noticed his lip hanging down. Could he have a medical condition?

And ffs who can be a 'friend' or a three year old, they need you need to parent three year olds they're still toddlers!

OP I'd refuse to have your SDS on your own. Your Partner needs to be a parent not use you as unpaid childcare. The poor child needs to spend quality time with his father.

Your partner sounds horrible, cannot believe he does not even pay maintenance for is child or spend any kind of significant time with him. Yoour partner sounds pointless.

Aquathest · 03/08/2017 20:40

So you recognise your DP does not have a bond with his DS. Did you not stop and think that having another baby would not help this situation?

PutItOnYourPancake · 03/08/2017 20:43

I think you are getting a rough time here OP... but it is AIBU! Your DP should be spending his contact time with his son. You sound like you're doing your best but 1) the dropped lip is REALLY not a thing. Stop stressing about it and 2) when you are looking after him, it's your rules. I think you do want the best for this little boy and so just do your best for him when he is with you. lI would, though, talk to your DP about contact time and respect. If he wants you to take the bulk of the caring responsibility for his child whilst he is at your home, he has to respect you enough to support you when you are altogether. I don't think you wanting to gently reinforce manners etc is bad and I am sure you will do the same for your own DD. If he expects you to take the brunt of caring responsibilities but will not back you as an equal caregiver when together as a family, then I would tell him you are no longer comfortable with the current set up and that he must arrange his contact times when he is available to look after his son.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 03/08/2017 20:46

How old is your dd I'm taking it there isn't much between her and your stepson.

Original poster
princessachica · 03/08/2017 20:49

Yeah thankyou guys I am refuse to have him 'cause it's not fair on the son' I will explain calmly what I've observed how it's difficult looking after a toddler I can not discipline and I am going to say the mother needs to know I am looking after the son alone IF I am cause I'm sure any mother will want to know what's going to be happening when their child is out ... I'm going to say that it's up to him how much he contributes to his son but his son will feel left out in the future and how it's not fair ... thankyou all xx

And aqua I don't see why me and my partner should put our family on hold ... he is the one with the Issue with his son not our DD or our kids he is happy and exited and loves DD and DD on the way and would do any thing for me it's just the bond he has is his issue that needs fixing

OP posts:
Original poster
princessachica · 03/08/2017 20:52

I am going to say I don't mind looking after him but I have my little rules manners that I will have to enforce no different what I'll do for DD and if he doesn't want to me to have to have it my way he needs to stay home and look after him himself and keep our home tidy!!!

OP posts:
ecuse · 03/08/2017 20:56

This drop lip thing is the weirdest thing I HAVE EVER HEARD, Having your mouth open doesn't make tour lip droopy, WTF?
Leave the poor kid alone!

Most of the things you have mentioned sound like completely normal 3yo things.

However, your partner shouldn't be leaving you to look after his son whilst he's working, and he should pay his way for his son's upbringing.

kali110 · 03/08/2017 21:01

I don't think you're wrongin regards to throwing food around, no one i know would think that acceptable.
However everything you've put isn't the fault of the chikd, it's your dp fault.
He is a lazy father.
You're parenting his child op.
Just because he's taking care of yoyr dd doesn't mean he can neglect his son!
It's clear you care, however your posts make me so sad!
Be careful, this could be you in the future op.
Just because you actually have a relationship, doesn't mean he won't be the same.

kali110 · 03/08/2017 21:02

And aqua I don't see why me and my partner should put our family on hold ... he is the one with the Issue with his son not our DD
Seriously, how can this not worry you?

Aquathest · 03/08/2017 21:04

Princessachica Your DP definitely needs to parent his DS better.

  1. He needs to pay regular maintenance and
  2. Have a regular arrangement to see and spend time with his DS

But you have chosen to have children with a 'man' who did not have his responsibilities sorted with his first child. As his DS is 3 and you already have number 2 on the way - there clearly isn't a respectable gap between his DS birth and your DD.
He may be good to your DC while he is with you - but one day your DC might be the non resident children and they will probably be treated just like his DS.

Original poster
princessachica · 03/08/2017 21:10

There's no point in looking in the future I live in the now and take one step at a time ... my main view now is sorting this relationship with his son and correcting what is now slipping

OP posts:
Original poster
princessachica · 03/08/2017 21:12

Everything is fine with our life at home so we have decided to expand the family ??? It's not a issue??? The issue now to making this full is DP understanding and then making actions to make this work it just wording it all that I'll struggle with

OP posts:
RobotGoat · 03/08/2017 21:13

Sorry, but what the hell is a drop lip? I've never heard of that before.

The please/thank you thing isn't great, but from what you've said it doesn't sound like the food throwing is a problem. You mentioned the little stringy bits on a banana - both my DCs (4 and 2) do this, and they're just concentrating so hard on getting to the banana that they drop the bits on the floor without thinking. Obviously we remind them to pick them up and throw them in the bin, but I wouldn't call it 'throwing food'. Does he throw other foods as well?

It sounds strange to me that your DP is still feeding him. Both my DCs were eating independently well before they turned 3. Does he need this kind of help a lot? I don't really know what's normal for other kids, so maybe it's common.

I don't think being in nappies at 3 is that unusual, either. My DD is 3 in November, and she's taking an interest in wees in the potty, but nowhere near all the time and I wouldn't be surprised if she's still in nappies for a while yet.

On the whole, it sounds like normal 3YO behaviour. Your DP sounds like an arsehole, though. You should be providing a united front when it comes to discipline and rules, and letting your DSS eat 6 yoghurts in a row when you've already said no isn't on. If you're going to have DSS on your own, you need to be given the freedom to parent him, and DP should stand by you when he's there, otherwise DSS will learn that he doesn't have to listen to you, which will be a nightmare as he gets older.

If you don't think the mum would be happy with DP leaving DSS with you all day, then you need to tell her what's going on (or get your DP to tell her). You also need to have a frank conversation with your DP about either backing you up and giving you freedom to parent your DSS, or stop leaving him with you.

Original poster
princessachica · 03/08/2017 21:19

Robot spot on 👏🏼👌🏽 everything there is what I'm trying to say he throws anything he don't like he will empty it on the floor and say it's disgusting... the only thing I've really put my foot down on is step sons swearing I can not have that at all he will drop it on purpose and say "oh sh*t" like that's a normal thing for him to say

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 03/08/2017 21:38

The lip thing -if it is noticeably worse he needs to see a GP asap. It could be Bells Palsy.
As for the rest -your DP is useless. It would seriously concern me that I was having a baby with him when he is so crap with his son.

FlowerSour · 03/08/2017 21:39

If you are in sole charge of his son at times, you need to be able to tell him off when appropriate. He can't palm his son off on you and then turn around and say you can't discipline him.

OP, I don't see why you're getting so much on this thread. You sound like your heart is in the right place.

You're concerned about step sons relationship with father. You look after him. You're worried about your step son. That suggests to me that you care about your step son.

I think you need to have a frank discussion with your partner.

If your partner was never with your step sons mother, and then there were contact issues, it is possible that he has not bonded properly with his son? If he hasn't, I'd suggest dedicating more time to his son. Days out with him, etc... if that doesn't work, family counselling, or something. He must bond with his son.

It's also important that you, your DD, future baby and step son learn to comfortably be a family. Yes, you are not his mother but you are a big part of his life and you need to work out the dynamics of your relationship.

It's not easy. You need to be a parent figure- without actually being the child's parent.

I hope things get easier for you.

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