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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder if this guy is a cocklodger?

60 replies

KissAndTell · 03/08/2017 08:12

I've been on 2 dates with a guy I met on OLD. We got in really well, have loads in common, and both seem to really like each other.

So far so good.

We have arranged to meet over the weekend, but I'm working both days. I'm doing a 12 hour shift on Saturday and 8 on Sunday. He suggested that on Saturday we could meet after I finish work, he can cook me dinner and we can watch a film. That's great, but since he split from his ex (who he lived with) he is living with his parents, so he would have to cook dinner at my house (which he has never been to). He lives 30 mins drive away so I suspect he is expecting to stay over, but he hasn't explicitly said this. He wants to meet after I finish work on Sunday as well.

Although I like him, AIBU to feel this is a bit forward and that because he hasn't got his own place, he will be in my space all the time?

OP posts:
absolutelyclueless · 03/08/2017 08:15

Yes, I'd be wary. Once he's been to your house that could set a precedent, meaning that he'll come round more often rather than taking you out on a date. I'd put the cooking a meal stuff off for a few weeks if I were you.

It could well be innocent, of course, but no need to rush these things.

Good luck!

EnidColeslaw771 · 03/08/2017 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SenoritaViva · 03/08/2017 08:18

I'd definitely want my own space after a 12 hour shift and I think too early to come over to my house anyway. He needs to slow down.

Penny4UrThoughts · 03/08/2017 08:19

Hmm. I dated a guy who moved back in with his mum after his relationship ended.

Except he was a lying shit bag and was still very much with his wife.

Original poster
KissAndTell · 03/08/2017 08:20

clueless neither of us have got a lot of money which might be why he suggested it rather than going out for dinner, but it still feels a bit premature.

Enid no I don't want him to stay over. And no, I don't want to spend every spare moment of free time I have with him. I've got children and whilst they are with their dad I need my own space, I'm not very good with being around people all the time. If he did stay over on the Saturday I would expect him to leave when I went to work on Sunday. I'm not having a near stranger in my house by himself all day.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 03/08/2017 08:20

Yeah, no I wouldn't want that either. Specially not after a 12 hour shift.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 03/08/2017 08:21

I'd think it was a bit too much too soon, if you start that you'll be skipping the dating stage very quickly. Also what are his plans for getting his own place etc? Is he just waiting for someone/someplace to come along?

Crunchymum · 03/08/2017 08:23

Just say no.

Reschedule for when you have some time and arrange something cheap and cheerful out of your house.

Do you actually like him OP? Shock

gamerchick · 03/08/2017 08:24

Easier to sort it now than fix it later. Tell him you're not ready for him to come to your house and suggest something else.

Original poster
KissAndTell · 03/08/2017 08:25

Senorita I don't mind meeting for dinner out after I finish on Saturday, but I also want Tom be able to go home and go to bed when I want to!

Penny oh no, that's awful! and also what I'm slightly worried about myself

MrsPickleson we haven't discussed his living arrangements. But yes, I would be concerned as to why a 40 year old is living back with his parents with no plans to get his own place. I'm worried he'll think he can just move into my life. Which I am not up for at all, no matter how much I might like him!

OP posts:
noeffingidea · 03/08/2017 08:25

I wouldn't say he's necessarily a cocklodger but I think he wants to move things along at a pace which is obviously a bit too quick for you.
The chances are he would want to stay over. Presumably having a meal would include drinking wine or whatever, giving him an excuse not to go home.
I would just say it's not convenient and make other arrangements during the week.

Onthemove2 · 03/08/2017 08:26

I hate the cooking for each other when you have only just met. It's just a set up for a shag.

Yellowtennis · 03/08/2017 08:28

I think it's too soon for him to know where you live let alone step inside your home. Meeting up after work smacks of booty call. sorry if its not what you want to here.

Onthemove2 · 03/08/2017 08:28

Last guy I met was exactly the same. Living with his parents, looking for a relationship and he invited himself to my place for a weekend and Christmas and I had only known him six weeks.

BewareOfDragons · 03/08/2017 08:29

After only 2 dates, this sounds quite pushy and 'hopeful' re the sleeping arrangements post-dinner.

I would just say, no, that doesn't work for you, but you'd be happy to meet somewhere for a quiet dinner.

Original poster
KissAndTell · 03/08/2017 08:30

Crunchy yes I do really like him. But perhaps I am not ready for something as serious as this. I think I need to listen to my gut feeling about this, which at the moment is not good.

OP posts:
c3pu · 03/08/2017 08:34

Are you friends on Facebook yet? If they are evasive about adding you, it's usually a sign that have something to hide.

Smeaton · 03/08/2017 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuckthis12 · 03/08/2017 08:37

I think you're totally overthinking this!

eatabagofdicks · 03/08/2017 08:38

He's invited himself over for sex, not dinner. Also - is it just me that thinks it's awkward to cook in someone else's house? You wouldn't know where anything was, he's basically a stranger. It just seems to intimate.

Original poster
KissAndTell · 03/08/2017 08:38

Maybe I'm not ready for any of this. The thought of having sex with him just makes me feel Confused

Maybe I don't like him as much as I thought I did.

OP posts:
TwoBusyCnuts · 03/08/2017 08:38

He's after a shag. The meal is simply the prelude to getting inside your knickers. The shag is what he wants and expects.

olympicsrock · 03/08/2017 08:39

I met DH as an OLD. I worked shift work when we first met. . Time was short as I was working hard. After about our 4th date he offered to cook me dinner at mine after my Saturday long day shift.He went to lots of trouble cooking a special meal. He went home around 10 30 after a lovely couple of hours. Married nine years now. Doesn't have to be a cock lodger! DH did have his own house but was coming to mine as he Knew I would be tired and want to put my feet up after a long day.

Onthemove2 · 03/08/2017 08:42

Yes but it's all just too cosy when you have just met. I hate it.

AreWeThereYet000 · 03/08/2017 08:46

Just arrange to meet somewhere out on Sunday after work. Explain after having the kids all week and then doing a 12 hour shift you do really just need to relax Saturday night