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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wonder if this guy is a cocklodger?

60 replies

KissAndTell · 03/08/2017 08:12

I've been on 2 dates with a guy I met on OLD. We got in really well, have loads in common, and both seem to really like each other.

So far so good.

We have arranged to meet over the weekend, but I'm working both days. I'm doing a 12 hour shift on Saturday and 8 on Sunday. He suggested that on Saturday we could meet after I finish work, he can cook me dinner and we can watch a film. That's great, but since he split from his ex (who he lived with) he is living with his parents, so he would have to cook dinner at my house (which he has never been to). He lives 30 mins drive away so I suspect he is expecting to stay over, but he hasn't explicitly said this. He wants to meet after I finish work on Sunday as well.

Although I like him, AIBU to feel this is a bit forward and that because he hasn't got his own place, he will be in my space all the time?

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 03/08/2017 08:46

After 2 dates, that's way too forward. Be honest and just say you don't know him well enough for that yet. Dating should be about fun, going out and getting to know each other. Don't welcome anyone into your home that you're not completely comfortable with.

battgirlatheart · 03/08/2017 08:47

Not my ex is it lol
If he's called Jamie from Aylesbury run like the wind lol

specialsubject · 03/08/2017 08:49

He's not planning to stay in the spare room. You don't want sex after two dates, make that clear and see if the offer of dinner is still there.

Original poster
KissAndTell · 03/08/2017 08:51

Lol battgirl no it's not him!

OP posts:
Original poster
KissAndTell · 03/08/2017 08:51

specialsubject I don't have a spare room!!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2017 08:53

Just say no, you would rather meet later at a restaurant or pub, don't do anything you feel uncomfortable about.

Original poster
KissAndTell · 03/08/2017 08:54

Now I'm dreading seeing him!

That doesn't bode well does it?!

OP posts:
Smeaton · 03/08/2017 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2017 08:58

Or just rearrange when your free. Just say you would prefer to meet outside, find somewhere cheap and cheerful, like Weatherspoons, or something.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2017 08:59

If you dread seeing him after two dates, end it, it should not be feel like that.

PiratePanda · 03/08/2017 09:00

If you don't want to have sex with him, it's time for "this isn't working for me" I suspect.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2017 09:01

By the sounds of it, it isen't working for you, just tell him that.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 03/08/2017 09:03

I just think it's a bit odd that as a grown man living at his parents he wouldn't say something along the lines of 'I'm house hunting/saving for deposit/some other reason'. It just rings alarm bells for me.

user1497557435 · 03/08/2017 09:07

Bin him.

C0untDucku1a · 03/08/2017 09:07

Youre getting worked up! Just message saying no, that doesn't work for you and suggest maybe drinks out after your shift, if affording a meal is too much.

Onthemove2 · 03/08/2017 09:08

I would just do a few more normal dates at a time convenient to you and see how it goes.

Original poster
KissAndTell · 03/08/2017 09:18

Yes I am getting completely worked up over it!

One of the reasons for dreading it is that we had a really awkward kiss at the end of the last date, and I am worried that it won't be any better this time!

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 03/08/2017 09:28

Tell him you will be too tired after work and you need some you time. If he's a keeper he will understand, if he gets pushy then ditch him.

I met someone OLD like this and he moved himself in after a few weeks Shock, total cocklodger. Obviously it didn't work out and he ended up being a controlling twat.

If he's serious about a relationship then he will respect you and back off a bit without getting funny about it.

Minkyfluffster · 03/08/2017 09:33

In your shoes I would suddenly remember that you have something arranged Saturday night (make it mundane so that he doesn't want to tag along" and cancel.

It sounds like he is trying to get too cosy to soon. might be innocent but if you were uncomfortable with a kiss I wouldn't suggest that you have him over to your house on a Saturday night.

He might be great, he might be a good cook and very kind but right now just take it slower.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/08/2017 09:42

Anything you are unsure about just say no or no thanks let's do another time

You don't have to give a reason or explanation and as you do seem to want to see him again suggest another time

Miserylovescompany2 · 03/08/2017 09:43

I'd politely decline for the Saturday - Agree to meet up somewhere on the Sunday and take things at a pace that feels comfortable to you.

I wouldn't feel relaxed with someone I'd just started dating faffing on making a meal/mess in my kitchen after just finishing a 12 hr shift - I'd be looking forward to "ME" time with a takeaway...

cm38 · 03/08/2017 10:10

My partner now invited me round on the 2nd date, it was fine and still is. However I'm with you on leaving people in the house etc and wouldn't be comfortable with it.

Afterthestorm · 03/08/2017 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KissAndTell · 03/08/2017 13:16

I told him I was worried it was all moving too soon and that I wasn't comfortable with what he suggested. He did say that he was offering because I would have been at work for 12 hours, but is happy to just go out for dinner instead.

Except now it's all fucked up in my head and I don't know if I want to see him at all.

We had 2 really lovely dates. And on paper we are ideally suited. So why am I now feeling like this?!

OP posts:
MommaGee · 03/08/2017 13:22

How long you been single? How long icy have you dated?
It could just be this is new nerves. It could be that he was suggesting faster than you want.

Go out for dinner but no back to yours for coffee, I'll walk you to your door nonsense. Somewhere to eat then home alone. Only kiss him of you feel an actual desire to rather than obligation. Take from there.

If he's only after sex he'll back off from your slowly slowly approach