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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if it's fair that family didn't eat at funeral

67 replies

ellestyle · 02/08/2017 13:47

Most did but because so many (aquaintences) turned up and ate such a lot of food (including going back for seconds) the food ran out early and some of the family didn't get to eat anything. What is the etiquette for funerals, you can't exactly tell anyone not to come back to the reception but how can you possibly work out how many to cater for when this happens. I know a large number were catered for but obviously not enough.

OP posts:

category12 · 02/08/2017 13:49

The rule for all types of event is "family hold back" when there's not enough to go round. Guests eat first.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 02/08/2017 13:53

Well family don't automatically get priority. I'm sure there were lots of people there by choice and not out of duty. I'm not sure there is an etiquette, but some family members must have held back quite a while in order for others to have time to queue up/sit/eat and queue again. I think it's just one of those things. I suppose it also depends on the location too, in a restaurant I would expect them to be able to provide "some" alternative if there were people left out. Not so sure about mobile catering.

Either way, sorry for your loss

Notevilstepmother · 02/08/2017 13:56

Family hold back is fine, but it's not good for people to have second helpings until everyone has eaten.

It must be difficult to know how many to cater for at a funeral, its not really an RSVP event I guess.

Sorry for your loss.

Tiptoethr0ughthetulips · 02/08/2017 14:03

The last family funeral we held was absolutely packed. I didn't really consider the food or space, just thought wow she was loved.
The food went in minutes but we as a family sat and ate together afterwards and continued the wake. It can be difficult to gage especially when obituary is in local paper etc, not quite sure how wide reaching it will be.

TeenAndTween · 02/08/2017 14:17

Was this a situation where core family went to the crematorium after a church service and by the time they had returned from the crem the other guests had eaten all the food?

eubyru · 02/08/2017 14:18

Family should eat first and foremost

Rumamama · 02/08/2017 14:20

I suppose it really depends on the situation, if everyone was at the wake before the family and ate without them, then yes the family should eat first. But if it was a buffet with everyone free to 'dig in', I would think it would be hard for people to know who has/hasn't eaten and assume by the time some were going for seconds that everyone who had wanted to eat had done so.

MrsOverTheRoad · 02/08/2017 14:22

I can't STAND people shortening crematorium to "crem"

It sounds awful.

OP...it's not something you should even think about. It's done and gone.

FilledSoda · 02/08/2017 14:24

I'm not sure that family should eat first , they are the hosts surely .
It's a bit unseemly for people to be getting seconds though, it's about paying your respects it isn't an all you can eat buffet.
Would it have been obvious to other guests that supplies were running low?
I might make up a plate and set it to one side if I thought immediate family were going to miss the food altogether.

OneMillionScovilles · 02/08/2017 14:25

At my uncle's funeral, some guests were so greedy with seconds that his own widow didn't get to eat at all by the time people had finished having their "sorry for your loss" conversations with her. Incredibly selfish imo.

waitforitfdear · 02/08/2017 14:26

Don't stress op most people attend funerals to show respect and love to the deceased and not for the food.

I don't think there's etiquette for family/friends but to me second helpings are rude if others havnt eaten.

Hope you are ok

troodiedoo · 02/08/2017 14:27

Funerals are the only family event where the buffet runs out in my experience.

This may be linked to the fact that there's no invitation as such. There will always be moochers.

OldJoseph · 02/08/2017 14:27

I think you have to accept that you won't know how many to cater for at a funeral and it's a best guess.
Locals should really hold back as they are nearer home / traveled less and could sort themselves out sooner if the food runs out.

MrsOverTheRoad · 02/08/2017 14:29

Trood are there actually people who go to funerals just for the food??

Floralnomad · 02/08/2017 14:29

This is not something that I've ever considered , or most people I would imagine . The day my father was cremated eating was the last thing on my mind . What a bizarre thing to be worried about . Make more sandwiches or order more food fgs.

lozzylizzy · 02/08/2017 14:32

We served drinks, made all the food and tidied away. My dad bought a box of corona and ordered takeaway when we got home.

Caenea · 02/08/2017 14:42

At my grandad's funeral, immediate family (his sons and their children) went for a private meal after the more public "wake" so none of us ate. But that was a planned thing so we knew we weren't going to starve

However in your situation I'd go with family eat first.

SummerMummy88 · 02/08/2017 14:42

When my grandma died the catering at the pub kept filling the buffet up when it ran low and we payed the bill at the end of the day, it may have cost us more but I would have been mortified if people went home hungry. It was a hot and cold buffet at a vintage inn chain pub.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/08/2017 14:49

Greedy people are a problem at buffets. My sisters wedding buffet ran out before many people had eaten because certain family members were first in the queue when it opened, took loads and then went back at least once more (a couple of them went three times).

Surely at a buffet, you take a sandwich or two, a sausage roll and a few crisps? You dont load your plate until it is a tottering pyramid of grub? Yet I see people doing this a lot at buffets (worked in the hospitality industry.... the tales I could tell). I view them as a snack during/after an event, not a full meal to be chowed down on. You certainly dont go back for more until you are absolutely sure that everyone who wants some has taken some.

SixInTheBed · 02/08/2017 14:51

Family has always been served first, or at least offered food first, at any funeral I have been too.

It's not a normal social occasion, the attendees are there to remember the deceased and support the family. I would not expect a mourning family to run around after me .

Actually at this !

troodiedoo · 02/08/2017 14:51

MrsOverTheRoad I suspect there might be, yes. That and the voyeuristic element.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/08/2017 14:54

ANd to say that people dont go for the food....

Ex FIL had a neighbour who would go to the funeral of people who she didnt (or only vaguely)knew, just for the wake. She would often come home with a handbag full of buffet food for her tea She wasnt poor or struggling by any stretch of the imagination.

Random funeral attending seems to be a hobby for some people!

Notreallyarsed · 02/08/2017 14:55

Some of my mum's friends organised the food for after the funeral in the church hall. To be fair to them, they went all out and it was all sourced from local farms/shops (my mum was hot on buying locally where you can) and they made a lovely spread for her. There were over 500 people who ended up coming back after, so it didn't last too long, as we'd only catered for 300.

I think that family do hold back to allow others to go first, but also I think that if people are going up for seconds before most have had first its a bit rude.

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 02/08/2017 15:02

Food often runs out at the wake when it is a two stage event. Everyone goes to the church and then family only go to the crematorium or the burial. Meanwhile the guests go to the wake and eat all the food. I always tell the family if we are doing it this way around to get someone to put plates of food aside and hide them. In my last church it was an hour round trip to the crematorium and I would often get back with the family to find one sandwich and a pork pie left on the buffet table. In that parish we were near to M&S so if the guests had got into the family food then more could be go and get more.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 02/08/2017 15:11

Generally, I would say that guests should be fed first. Going back for seconds though when you know not everyone has eaten is greedy.

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