Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it's fair that family didn't eat at funeral

67 replies

ellestyle · 02/08/2017 13:47

Most did but because so many (aquaintences) turned up and ate such a lot of food (including going back for seconds) the food ran out early and some of the family didn't get to eat anything. What is the etiquette for funerals, you can't exactly tell anyone not to come back to the reception but how can you possibly work out how many to cater for when this happens. I know a large number were catered for but obviously not enough.

OP posts:
dudsville · 02/08/2017 15:16

Aha, my family seem to be different. In our tradition the family sit at the front as main mourners and as such are at the front of everything, generally supported and guided to do so by the preacher, who in turn is brought food and drink as he's sitting with and looking after the family. But all our funerals have been at churches and the meals held in the halls there. Generally members of the church do the catering and hosting. Maybe that's the difference? I'm sorry for your family's loss OP and if they struggled more with the day for being hungry.

Original poster
ellestyle · 02/08/2017 15:26

A lot of the people who came weren't widely known by anyone, thought they might have just turned up at the church and then gone home like many do. I've been to a few like that and not considered joining the family at the venue, always thought it seemed a bit cheeky, i'm not stressing about it but thought i'd ask what people's views were on it.

OP posts:
punicorn · 02/08/2017 15:27

It's really hard to know how many will attend a funeral and how many will come back after the service-a PP observed there are no invitations as such. Of the two family funerals I've been to that I can think of at the first one there was a buffet type reception which had been seriously under-catered for as we had no way of knowing how many could come and the family got nothing - barely even a drink -
and the venue (village hall and small catering co) wasn't able to provide anything further and for the second one there was a hot and cold buffet in a private bar but a separate 'favourite meal' had been set aside for the deceased's immediate family, which was a lovely touch. However at the end of the day family are the hosts and should let guests go first. But a little respect by holding back from seconds wouldn't go amiss - it's a funeral not a gobble and go competition!

PinkHeart5911 · 02/08/2017 15:31

Who is stuffing there face at a funeral? And going back for seconds? Weird!

It's not behaviour I've ever seen at a funeral and I do think it was rude tbh.

Thornyprick · 02/08/2017 15:33

I ate nothing at my husbands funeral
I wouldn't worry about it too much OP

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/08/2017 15:36

The last few funerals I've been to people have had to reply by email so they can be properly catered for,seems sensible.

At a recent family funeral we were expecting about 100 people and over 200 turned up. They were very lovedSmile

bigbluebus · 02/08/2017 15:40

It is virtually impossible to guess how many will attend a funeral - unless it is someone very old with not many family left and only a few friends. For my parent's funerals it was quite easy to estimate numbers then add a few for any extras who might pop up.
For my DD's funeral it was virtually impossible to estimate numbers. Thankfully we had the wake at a local sports club and the steward said it was not unknown for them to make extra sandwiches/sausage rolls etc at the last minute when they heard that the village was clogged up with cars for a funeral where they were hosting the wake. Wed didn't run out of food but DH and I got to the end of the day and realised we had only eaten a sandwich each as we just didn't have time to get anything.

A lot is dependent on the order of events and whether everything is in close proximity ie Church/Crematorium/Graveyard/Wake venue. If there is a long distance between them then the numbers will reduce. I have always felt bad when I have gone to a Church service and straight to the wake whilst the family are at the Crematorium and we have been told to start eating before the family return. Just seems so rude to me.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/08/2017 15:40

Its unfortunate if the food runs out but there really isn't a lot that can be done about it in most venues.But there are quite a lot of reasons other than just 'greedy people'.
Sometimes the bereaved simply haven't got enough money to provide a lot of food (this is NOT like a wedding, where you 'don't invite more people than you can afford to feed') Sometimes a lot more guests turn up than were expected.
Sometimes people who go for a second helping have no idea that not everyone else has had anything - with buffets, some people hang back a bit on the grounds that they would rather talk/go outside for a smoke/queue for the loo instead.

Also, while some bereaved people are too upset to want to eat, there are others who will overeat when unhappy, seeking comfort in food.

I suppose the only real lesson is: have the wake somewhere you can get more food if necessary and, if you are short of money and know that there are likely to be a lot of mourners, ask close friends/family to help with the catering...

Yogagirl123 · 02/08/2017 15:40

I agree with another poster, I am usually to upset to think about eating so it's not something that I have given thought too before.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/08/2017 15:47

Lots of mourners will have traveled too and possibly not had time to eat first thing.

At all the funerals I've been to, the first thing people have done is make sure the immediate family of the deceased had a plate of food and a drink.

MissionItsPossible · 02/08/2017 16:14

It is a bit unfair but to be honest anyone who complains or turns their nose up at a lack of food at a funeral of all places are just wrong. Sorry for your loss Flowers

RestingBitchFaced · 02/08/2017 16:21

In this situation I would usually have a few loaves of bread, packets of ham etc put away to make more sandwiches quickly if necessary, as you never know if there is going to be enough. If you don't use it, take it home at the end

ReanimatedSGB · 02/08/2017 16:41

If you have had an early start and a long journey, it isn't a sign of selfishness or insensitivity to be hungry, either.
Mind you I have also been at funerals where there was far more food than necessary, and guests were being invited to take doggy bags of it home with them...

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/08/2017 16:49

I love food after a funeral, it doesn't matter what it is but I'm suddenly ravenous as soon as the service is over and I have had a good cry and I also need loads of cups of tea. It's a weird grief thing, everything tastes AMAZING even if it's just a sandwich. Saying that, I wouldn't have seconds unless it was obvious there was enough for everyone to.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 02/08/2017 17:00

The people who went back for seconds were rude.

Very undignified behaviour.

MyheartbelongstoG · 02/08/2017 17:03

Here in Ireland there is no way that the family wouldn't get food.

Just no fucking way that they wouldn't be prioritised.

MyheartbelongstoG · 02/08/2017 17:04

I love food after a funeral.......that sounds awful!

FeralBeryl · 02/08/2017 17:15

At DFs last year- the staff asked me to assemble the 'main mourners' Hmm before they opened the buffet. They then pushed us to said buffet to be served first.
One of the ladies reasoned it was because we needed to keep our strength up mop up the gin more than everyone else, which I found sweet but also hilarious as it made it very wedding like.
We paid for loads and asked them to add on as required which ended up being necessary too.

2017SoFarSoGood · 02/08/2017 17:24

How to possibly estimate the catering needs for a funeral has always been a mystery to me! Have talked it over with someone who does this for a living, who sagely tells me " count the immediate family, the other local family, any known travelers, club or hobby friends, then add 15-20%. Have extra non-perishables on hand ready to pull out if needed. Then hope for the best.

At gathering after DF's funeral, large table was reserved for 'family' was immediately filled by cousins/aunts etc. There was no seat for me or DSis and DM was squeezed between two tables. What were people thinking? Possibly 200 there, 80 of them family. Is it really confusing that it may just have meant wife and children of the deceased?

SilverBirchWithout · 02/08/2017 17:27

Most funerals I have been to, the food at the get together is not that important to close friends and family. Normally family will have a proper meal, either at home or a restaurant, later once everyone else has left.
The buffet and wake are surely just for people to pay respects, chat about the deceased, and offer condolences to close family. The catering is just there to provide a reason for people to all gather together, and as a thank-you to those people who took the time and trouble to come.
So imho - guests firsts. I can't imagine why some people where so greedy though. A salutary lesson in not to under cater though, it looks a bit mean.

TittyGolightly · 02/08/2017 17:32

Last funeral I went to the guests ate the buffet. The family ate together in a separate room once the guests had left. Much nicer.

FruBayerischOla · 02/08/2017 17:49

I don't recall even being able to eat at my DM's funeral wake - but I did arrange an excellent hot & cold buffet at my local pub, where the wake was held, so that everyone had enough to eat and drink - I hope.

Bizarrely, this comment of yours made me laugh, troodiedoo : "This may be linked to the fact that there's no invitation as such. There will always be moochers."

A few months after my Mum's funeral, I was chatting to a local friend who said that he was sorry, but he hadn't realised that my Mum had died Hmm (he'd met her on a few occasions). One of my memories of Mum's wake was that said friend hadn't been to the funeral but was at the wake filling his face with food and drinks, all paid for by me!

thekillers · 02/08/2017 17:56

all paid for by me!

the estate usually pays for the funeral.

FruBayerischOla · 02/08/2017 18:11

"the estate usually pays for the funeral."

Given that she'd only died two weeks earlier, there was no way that Probate would have been granted on her estate at that point.

I'm not talking about her funeral cost, which was ultimately paid for by the estate.

I'm talking about the cost for the wake - at a pub - which had to be paid for at the time - by me. OK?

FruBayerischOla · 02/08/2017 18:20

And, BTW, I was very short of money at the time. I was happy to spend money on the wake for family and friends who had been kind enough to attend Mum's funeral service. I was not happy to spend money on, and have the genuine mourners being deprived of food, by a "moocher", gatecrasher, cheeky fucker ..........