To wonder if it's fair that family didn't eat at funeral

[ellestyle]

Most did but because so many (aquaintences) turned up and ate such a lot of food (including going back for seconds) the food ran out early and some of the family didn't get to eat anything. What is the etiquette for funerals, you can't exactly tell anyone not to come back to the reception but how can you possibly work out how many to cater for when this happens. I know a large number were catered for but obviously not enough.

Funeral moochers, definitely a thing. Shame on them.

The estate usually pays for the funeral

If there's any money in the estate

and that's wonderful if there is an 'estate'
Fru I agree, suddenly finding a extra few hundred quid out of thin air for food at such a bad time is very trying

My mum's funeral reception was held in a private function room with a bar, at a local pub.
We'd ordered sandwiches, hot chicken drumsticks, sausage rolls, plates of biscuits, tea/coffee/jugs of Orange juice. We gave an estimated number for catering. Pub said not to worry about extras...... although hot food may run out they would keep food coming as much as was necessary.
And so they did, staff kept a close eye and miraculously another tray of varied sandwiches always appeared just in time.
For something sweet, plates of biscuits may sound boring but it kept things simple.

At another funeral we had soup and a roll catered by the local hotel who screened off an area of the restaurant. It was sit down and followed with tea/coffee/biscuits. Again, very simple catering. If the soup had run out the hotel planned to make sandwiches/ cheese and crackers.

At my dear sis-in-law' s funeral the church WI wanted to do the catering following her funeral. She had been church treasurer and also worked in the local post office, the only shop in the village. Big crowd, small overflowing church premises. The vicar threw the church open for eating, we sat in pews, on the very altar steps, spilled out into the attached graveyard. The WI had a wonderful spread of homemade everything with more than enough. At the end various mourners offered to buy cakes etc and the takings went to a cancer charity. Family got out the vacuum cleaner, many people mucked in, and within ten minutes church and grounds were spotless. It ended with three cheers for the Vicar who let the church be used in the best spirit possible.

The social rule to follow is guests first then family. If you didn't want the guests to come home, you should have mentioned it at the funeral that the wake is immediate family only.

I found it tricky on deciding catering numbers. But I obviously have amazing friends and family cos they made sure we were aware food was being served and pushed us to the front (not that we ate much but the children needed refueling).
And our venue generously kept bringing in more and more food as there was a few hundred more than I reckoned on. They refused extra money as they knew us and said their takings on drinks more than covered it (Friday afternoon funerals!).

Now my Grandma had it all sorted. She wrote in her diary about what she wanted for her funeral.
Expect 75 at the funeral and cater for 50 at the wake. And that's exactly the number that came - my mum did a head count (we didn't find the diary until weeks after her funeral so it's amazing it was bang on and we got her wishes right - not sure how we'd have told person number 76 to piss off though).

We were delighted when 150 people turned up after the funeral of a close relative, who was very popular. We had limitless food of all sorts. There was a paying bar.

After everyone left, the venue asked the widow to pay the £750 tab that had been run up on the bar in the widow's name.

People suck.

Thank you, troodie, Thorny and Feral. Magicking some hundred pounds very suddenly was not easy for me. Nor do I think it's easy for many many people at short notice.

I was more than happy to direct all the family and friends to the buffet - and the drinks on my tab at the bar.

But that fucking moocher infuriated me. I wasn't in the best place to tell him to EffOff!

em are the venue not a bit responsible? Can you just put stuff on someone's tab without permission? Not accusing the guests behaviour though.

I meant excusing, not accusing. Auto fail.

That sounds awful, Emmeline123. Some years ago at a friend's funeral and wake, it became apparent that his widow couldn't afford the entire cost of the wake, given the numbers who had turned up. So a 'whip-round' was organised during the wake. Most of us put in a more than generous amount to cover it.

The widow must have agreed to a tab, venues will not allow people to do that otherwise. None that I've encountered anyway.

I have met some older generation "professional funeral goers" who fill their boots at the wake. They are usually acquaintances rather than friends or family and will sadly take advantage of s free bar and a buffet.

At one family members funeral we had to close it, because although most people had the decency to leave, there was a group of elderly men sitting getting hammered on whisky and would have continued to do so until we said no more free drinks.

It's really disrespectful.

This is why we limited the amount of people attending my gran's funeral to close family & best friends only.

We did not want the gossipy old women from her retirement flats attending who were talking about her when she had her mental health problems & some of whom were definitely 'professional funeral goers'.

The family should really eat first as often following a death those most bereaved don't eat properly or bother with cooking. Actually in the Jewish faith i think people bring food round for the family which is a nice idea.

How do you limit people coming back? ( Serious question)

Love51 Fru Bluntness

The widow is a close relative of mine and definitely didn't agree to the tab. There were teas and coffees as well as a generous amount of food, it was lunchtime, not a piss-up!

Venue certainly should have checked with her but likely didn't consider the possibility that anyone would set up a tab in a widow's name without her agreement when they had come to sympathise (it was private, only people who were at the funeral were there, not the general public). She knows the people who run the venue so didn't want to make a fuss and just paid it.

That is indeed awful, Emmeline. The 'moochers' who set up the tab in her name are beyond the pale - but also the venue should not have allowed it - in her name - either. The venue should have set up the tab in one of the moocher's names and made them pay their own bill.

In the case of of the 'whip round' I mentioned earlier. I know that the widow had agreed a price and tab for food and a drink or two. But, I suspect a close friend of the deceased had realised that the tab had run out fairly quickly, hence his swift whip round to put some more money into the tab. We were all happy to weigh in - and, actually, we would all have been happy to pay for our own drinks anyway.

Family should eat first or definitely someone is responsible for having some food set aside for them. Out family have always made sure everyone is fed and watered and there's no chance of the family not getting any food because people have not considered them.