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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how much your OH earns if you are a stay at home parent?

258 replies

LittleLeif · 02/08/2017 09:09

Or how much did you have in savings?
This is very very nosey of me but I am trying to figure out if it is viable for me to ever stay at home with my baby. Unfortunately I have to go back to work full time but am hoping to maybe take a career break when she is a two or three.
We are both in jobs where you get opportunities for annually or bi-annually pay rises that can be quite substantial so I'm interested to see if he will be earning enough to support us for a year by then.
TIA

OP posts:
BlueSofaPinkLamp · 02/08/2017 15:09

My husband earns just under £200k a year and we feel very comfortable without me working. I am planning on looking for some work soon though, more for my sanity than anything else Smile

Popsicle434544 · 02/08/2017 15:12

My dp earns 47k and im a sahm, i own my house outright so no morgage, if we had to pay that theres no way i could stay home, im in the home counties

Fairylea · 02/08/2017 15:15

Dh earns about £18k and we have a disabled child so the tax credits and dla and carers allowance equates to nearly the same as dh earns, that's how we manage for me to stay home- which is essential at the moment with our sons needs. We also have a teenage dd.

FlowerFairyLights · 02/08/2017 15:22

I love how everyone thinks they're average!

someone on 85grand wouldn't be living "averagely" in my area. They sim0ly would take a lot more for granted or as normal that we would regard as extras or treats.

Thinking someone couldn't live on 100k is incredible!

I too wonder what all these jobs are. I'm friends with teachers, social workers, OTs and other professionals at around 30k. lots and lots of friends on a lot less. TAs,admin, shop work or care work.

I missed a trick!!

Ecureuil · 02/08/2017 15:26

someone on 85grand wouldn't be living "averagely" in my area

I guess we probably live in different areas! I just meant really that we don't have exotic holidays etc. Usually just a week in Cornwall or something.

Ecureuil · 02/08/2017 15:27

Obviously can't speak for everyone re jobs but when I earned 70k it was in finance.

Susiethetortoiseshellcat · 02/08/2017 15:39

Teachers and similar can rise to higher than 30k with experience though. I'm a teacher and was on 40k with a small responsibility and lots of colleagues on a lot more. That was in outer London though so often depends on where you're based. My bil is a very high earner but is a solicitor based in London.

Genghi · 02/08/2017 15:39

The quality of life on 85-100k depends on your age. To put it bluntly, it goes further the older you are because presumably you bought houses when they were cheaper & have already paid off mortgages etc. For younger people based in London it can be a struggle to even get on the property ladder when you're earning 150k between two people.

MommaGee · 02/08/2017 15:44

I have absolutely no idea what any of my friends earn but they range from chief execs of charities, lawyers, doctors, etc down to admin jobs and lots inbetween. I was on 25 before I became a SAHM working in social housing and I'd assume that's fairly middle for thearrea I live

hickorydickorynurseryrhyme · 02/08/2017 15:45

Over £100 grand

gwenneh · 02/08/2017 15:47

Dh is a software developer and quite senior. Salaries have a very broad range, he's on the top end of the spectrum whereas a junior dev might earn £35k. It wasn't so long ago that he earned that much and we thought it was princely!

When I was working I was on £40k, and that was in marketing, but I've taken the last year as a career break.

The point about the property ladder is very valid -- the salary might be big, but the mortgage is proportional.

MelvinThePenguin · 02/08/2017 15:48

The answer as to whether you can afford to m be a SAHM is totally dependent on your own circumstances.

Write down all of your outgoings monthly (my budget covers mortgage, childcare, groceries, holiday savings, utilities, kids, fuel, train fares, council tax, broadband, to licence, going out/entertaining, insurance, car tax and car servicing and long term savings).

If your DP's net income is more than the figure you come up with then, bingo, you can be a SAHM!

Namechange54 · 02/08/2017 15:56

As others have said it's really interesting to see how different people's perceptions are of how well off they are and what's manageable (though I understand location does play a role).

My in-laws are incredibly well off and just don't seem to realise it. They own a large house outright, have several nice cars and take a few holidays to lovely far-flung places every year. It's cringeworthy to discuss money with them as their perceptions are just so different. They genuinely seem to think that life when they retire (on at least 50k net p.a. between them with no mortgage to pay) will be breadline living, whereas for us 45k p.a. gross (with mortgage to pay) allows us to be really comfortable.

tangerino · 02/08/2017 16:01

Can I recommend the budget calculator on MSE? It's pretty comprehensive and v helpful for working out what you need for the lifestyle you want, and where all your money goes.

Oly5 · 02/08/2017 16:13

MistressPage, your post is v judgemental. I work ft but am with my kids every day after school. I doubt you spend much more "quality" time with your children than I do with mine. I'm glad I can afford overseas holidays and Centerparcs. My kids adore them and I know we're making fab childhood memories for them. It doesn't have to be "one or the other"

Viserion · 02/08/2017 16:13

It entirely depends on your expectations of quality of life, lifestyle, mortgage etc.

Both DH and I are high earners. We have cut our cloth to match this, as in making the decision to privately educate. If I gave up work (which I would love), that would have to change, which would not be fair for the kids.

Similarly, we have a large mortgage in the SE, which would be a lot riskier without my salary even without school fees. But, we don't take exotic holidays (mobile home in France is as luxury as it gets) or have new cars etc.

If I became a SAHM, DH would have to earn in excess of £200k to counter the increased tax burden and maintain the same lifestyle. If we moved to a smaller house/cheaper area and pulled the kids out of their school, then sure, about ¼ of that would be plenty.

Long winded way of saying that this is not a one size fits all question.

catgirl1976 · 02/08/2017 16:19

I used to earn about £80k and DH was a stay at home Dad. We managed comfortably on that (live in NW so not got London housing prices to contend with)

However, my job made me ill so I took a massive pay cut down to £50k and DH now works part time and studies part time. We could still have managed just about I think but it would have been a struggle.

I don't think it's the amount you earn I think it's the outgoings you have though. If you earn £60k in London and have 5 children it probably doesn't go very far and you'd struggle whereas in other parts of the country with one child it would be plenty. All depends on what your current out goings are and if there are things you'd need to sacrifice to manage and if you'd be prepared to do that.

WhataHexIgotinto · 02/08/2017 16:22

It very much depends on so many different factors as others have said. I'm working now but when I was a SAHP, DH was earning £45K and we were doing just fine.

It depends what your 'essentials' are too. We've never been ones for.flashy holidays or card and the local schools suit our needs.

Haudyerwheesht · 02/08/2017 16:34

Dh earns 44k which might not seem that much BUT

Our mortgage is negligible
We have a lot of money in shares which we sell occasionally for things like holidays
We had children straight out of uni so I've still plenty time to work once they're grown up a bit.
We live in Scotland and dh works 40 mins away.
We have 2 cars - one vvvvvvv small and one 7 seater but neither are flash or top of the range.
We do have 2-3 holidays a year but not in 5* resorts or anything.
We don't spend much on Hobbies or clothes or going out (for us! We do for the kids)

I'm glad I've been / am a sahm but I wouldn't have done it had it caused us stress financially.

SleepFreeZone · 02/08/2017 17:02

Re. the 85k comment above. We live extremely averagely because we're in the south east, our mortgage is over a grand a month. The house needs renovating and my DP doesn't believe in HP or having much debt in general so cars get bought outright etc. So most of our money is going on tradesmen and a new car will soon wipe out a chunk of savings.

A non average lifestyle in my mind is not having to think about monthly expenditure, new clothes, holidays etc. I shop in charity shops, buy food in Aldi and lidl and our holidays are usually a long weekend in the U.K.

FlowerFairyLights · 02/08/2017 17:06

We're in the south east and it seems a higher than average salary to me (although I realise isn't silly high/buy private and grand holidays )

Just different expectations I guess. We cut out cloth,also buy cars outright but usually 10 years old.

Average will be squewed by what you see around you I guess. Certainly regarding OP if you had one earner earning 85 it would be comfortable to be a sahm . that's more than most headteachers though !

FlowerFairyLights · 02/08/2017 17:07

Whereas if you mix with city bankers and dentists it would seem average!

Fairylea · 02/08/2017 17:14

As others have said the ££ depends on so many different things...!

We live in south Norfolk where you'd be lucky to find any jobs over £45k at most (unless it was something highly specific). My dh works in clinical administration and has quite a specialised role and has had several pay rises since he started and is still not even on £20k. But - we have nearly zero mortgage having bought when we were both working full time and we already had a lot of equity from inheritance etc. We don't go abroad because of ds disabilities so in a lot of ways we live quite a frugal life - one car, dh walks to work, shop for bargains, buy stuff secondhand, decorate with everything from Asda and wilco etc etc.

Welshrainbow · 02/08/2017 17:56

We could afford to have a sahm parent on 20k (cheap area of the north) and still afford all DS classes etc but no holidays abroad on that. The biggest impact on being a sahm on that salary would be lack of pension provision which is why we haven't gone down this route. We also wouldn't be able to afford the IVF we will likely need to have a second DC or get a bigger mortgage even though we have deposit put by. If we are lucky enough to have a second DC I will likely go even more part time though as childcare is so expensive.

Lucysky2017 · 02/08/2017 18:02

It depends on your outgoings as to what you need. I support my children alone but they are teenagers not needing childcare now and I've paid off the mortgage (after 30 years of paying it). I am fairly well off in terms of earnings and work full time (lawyer) but often based at home.

"I too wonder what all these jobs are. I'm friends with teachers, social workers, OTs and other professionals at around 30k."
the high paid jobs vary. Certainly ify ou do business law in London and are very good at it and do areas not that many people do then you will be in demand and earn a fair bit. Equity partners in accountancy and law firms in London and QCs can earn £1m to £2m. £300k - £500k is not that unusual. However most people are not prepared to accept the hours and lives that go with that, working all night and that kind of stuff. I have a relative (doctor) who with NHS salary and private work probably earns about £400k - £500k a year. It depends on your age too - most of us start on less and move up. My London lawyer daughters earn pretty well already. They like their friends all know what people earn and choose careers for that and other reasons.

Babies don't need mcuh more than cuddles, love and ideally breastmilk. Our first baby had only second hand baby gros, cloth nappies, second hand high chair etc etc . Of course it h ad no impact on her at all. babies don't need expensive stuff at all.