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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sue my parents

63 replies

TheParents · 01/08/2017 15:26

My parents weren't good parents and they did quite a lot of damage to my mental health.

My mother was emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling.
My dad buried his head in the sand.
They aren't together any more but friends still.

It's taken a long time to find any kind of self esteem and confidence and move forwards with my life.
I have been seeing a counsellor to sort my feeling about my mother out and I am happy now but I still feel like I want to hold them accountable for their actions and I know this is not a matter of legality in the sense of reporting it to the police but I have been looking online about civil suits.

I don't even care if nothing comes of it, I'm not after any money, I just want them to acknowledge the bad job and how much damage they caused to my mental health and consequently my career.

I feel like if I sue them then they will have to listen to what I am saying rather than dismissing it as unimportant which is always how they've done it and made me feel. If I was just to write them a letter then they don't have to read it or acknowledge it's how I feel or even accept responsibility.

I know this may likely end our relationship forever and I am prepared to accept that - I don't want that kind of person in my life or in my children's lives.

My DH thinks it's a tad OTT and won't get anywhere especially since they never physically abused me and will only result in the lost relationship.
AIBU to want to sue them?
Tia.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 01/08/2017 15:29

I don't understand what the actual grounds for suing them would be?

If you don't want them in your life, just go NC and move on.

Seenoevil · 01/08/2017 15:31

OTT - just cut contact

SenoritaViva · 01/08/2017 15:33

I'd say you should just move on.

talonofthehawk · 01/08/2017 15:33

What are you going to gain from it?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2017 15:33

"I feel like if I sue them then they will have to listen to what I am saying..."

No, they won't. They listen, they just don't believe you and that will never, ever change. Suing them is absolutely pointless, and all it will do is to poison your life with bitterness and resentment. I think you need to concentrate on yourself and your own healing. Continue with therapy. Even if you sued them and "won", what would you really win? Not a damn thing. It will not magically make you feel better. Go no contact and get on with your life.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 01/08/2017 15:33

I agree with your DH.

MatildaTheCat · 01/08/2017 15:36

I understand wanting to Ho,d them accountable but law suits are generally about retrieving financial compensation. Not getting an apology or being proved right. Legal cases are very, very expensive. They take years in many cases and are quite unbelievably stressful.

You would be required to go over and over your experiences and speak to experts to be assessed for your trauma. The defence would try to discredit each and every statement you made.

Don't. Go. There.

Go low or no contact and live your life well. Some people find writing a letter that will never be posted helps. Nobody other than the lawyers would ever benefit from what you propose and TBH I'm not sure if you even know what that is?

WhatHaveIFound · 01/08/2017 15:36

I'm afraid i agree with your DH too. I think the easiest thing today (for your own mental health) would be to cut contact with your parents.

Andromache77 · 01/08/2017 15:36

I have no personal experience of abuse but I'm a lawyer and I would strongly recommend not to start legal proceedings. You will not get what you seek because that is not something a court of law can provide. Employ your time and energy in seeking counselling if you haven't already and good luck.

HirplesWithHaggis · 01/08/2017 15:36

You not only have no grounds upon which to sue, even if you did you couldn't make them turn up to court to listen to your complaints, or to understand them. You certainly couldn't expect an apology, and even if you got one you know it wouldn't be sincere.

You're prepared to lose the relationship, so just do that. Move house and job and don't tell them, change your phone numbers and block all social media.

Hissy · 01/08/2017 15:36

My dear, I know the rage you are feeling, its all-engulfing. it will pass. Feel it, understand it and then let it go.

Please understand that they won't listen. If they did listen to you and accept what you say, it would make them terrible people....

And they can't have that.

They will have re-written every last thing they have done to you. to them it won't have happened. it's that simple.

Even if you DID force a court to make them stand up and listen to you, it would not make any difference, you'd be crazy, deluded, and ungrateful.
"After all we've done for her..."

Ditto the letter... don't gift wrap anything they can hold up and show someone else to show how YOU are dreadful and how badly YOU treat THEM.

Write the letter, read it, but then burn it.

Then write your your younger self a letter telling them how wrong they were to have treated you like they did and how much you love your younger self and want her to feel better.

The only thing you can do is reframe your life and how you want it from this point onwards.

Could you take a break from contact?

Want2beme · 01/08/2017 15:39

Would you consider talking to them with a mediator present? Do you think they'd be prepared to do such a thing? Have you written to tell them everything you're thinking of suing them for? I'd do either one of these, see what the outcome is and if they're still not prepared to acknowledge everything, then consider going NC. Would suing them actually be possible?

Allthewaves · 01/08/2017 15:39

yes your wasting your time. You need to find closure some other way. It would just turn into mud slinging match

Liadain · 01/08/2017 15:43

I don't really see what grounds you can sue under, tbh. It seems like a revenge fantasy (and I do understand that, believe me!) - but I doubt it'd get you any of the closure you want.

You could possibly win a case, yes, but that doesn't mean you'd get an apology.

whattodowiththepoo · 01/08/2017 15:45

YABVU

Alibongo67 · 01/08/2017 15:46

Crumbs, parents eh, yes they have made mistakes, so many parents have and do.
You need to close the book and start another more enjoyable chapter.
You will not gain anything by doing this apart from dragging up and through your past again. Stop now and start enjoying your life.

Original poster
TheParents · 01/08/2017 15:47

Thank-you all for taking the time to reply.
Hissy, I especially think your reply is good advice.

I don't think I even thought it would get anywhere, just that a letter from a solicitor stating I planned to sue them and the reasons why would be enough for them to take notice and maybe acknowledge what they did wrong.

But you are right, knowing my mother, I doubt I will ever get a genuine apology. It just really really hurts that the one person who was supposed to have unconditional love and take care of me has treat me like this. I feel a bit heartbroken.

OP posts:
Aridane · 01/08/2017 15:48

They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad - but, no, you can't sue them.

What does your counsellor say?

CryingMessFFS · 01/08/2017 15:49

You have no grounds to sue from your OP so starting any court proceedings will just cost you court fees and make you feel worse when the court dismisses you. They still won't have been held accountable and you'll be in a worse position. Would they even care given that one is abusive and the other is an enabler? By all means do something constructive towards helping your mental health like counselling. But perhaps it's best just to cut contact for your own sake. I wish you the best OP.

HipsterHunter · 01/08/2017 15:50

No, don't do this.

Go NC and try and move on with your life. They will never react how you want them to, they will never acknowledge the hurt they have caused.

MoosicalDaisy · 01/08/2017 15:57

All I can say is that I experienced similar to you and more.

Do not let this define you anymore than it has already.

If they have not acknowledged the damage they have caused you, or recognized it on any level, they don't care. Suing them will achieve nothing and for them it will be a charade.

Reliving and recounting your experiences in this manner, and being questioned, may well set you back and create more damage.

Cut them out of your life, forget about them. Redefine yourself, set goals and achieve them. Learn to not care about what they think. Turn your back on them and show them that you don't need them to live a happy life.

I am 31, I have not spoken to my 'mother' for 10 years now. It's the best thing you can do!! Good luck.

ChelleDawg2020 · 01/08/2017 16:00

YANBU to want to sue them, however I don't think it is necessarily worth it. Only you know for sure though, because the very act of attempting a legal case against your parents might allow you (and them) to realise that they are no longer in control of you.

HerculesMulligan · 01/08/2017 16:03

OP, when previous posters have said "you don't have grounds to sue", what they mean is that when bringing a claim in a civil or criminal court, it generally has to be a situation recognised by the courts which have developed a set of criteria developed to test what is /isn't a crime or a civil wrong. There isn't a set of criteria that would apply to your circumstances. They don't mean that what happened to you was ok - it was not.

And even in cases where the legal path is well-trodden, anyone getting a letter threatening legal action immediately clams up. It isn't a process that lends itself to understanding, apologies or healing.

LonginesPrime · 01/08/2017 16:03

OP, YANBU for wanting to sue them and make them pay for what they've done to you, but YWBU to actually try to sue them, not least as you're the one who'll suffer most.

All it would achieve is:

  1. losing a LOT of money;

  2. showing them that they can still have a profound effect on you, without even having to do anything new;

  3. prompting them to defend their previous actions more vehemently; and

  4. making you feel even worse as no-one on earth, at least is going to punish them for what they've done to you.

If I were you (and I've been in your position), I'd pop across to the stately homes thread, read up on abusive relationships and how to deal with them and work on letting go of the past and living a good life.

Don't give them the power you're giving them by begging them to acknowledge the hurt they've caused - you're still letting them control you if you do.

I know it's difficult to accept that you can't control other people's actions, especially when they did such a number on you, but I found that accepting that I can't control my parents' acknowledgement of the situation and could only control my reaction to them was a major breakthrough in my healing process.

Twistmeandturnme · 01/08/2017 16:06

OP, your anger is palpable but suing won't help. They probably don't even know what they did.

This Be The Verse
By Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

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