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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sue my parents

63 replies

TheParents · 01/08/2017 15:26

My parents weren't good parents and they did quite a lot of damage to my mental health.

My mother was emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling.
My dad buried his head in the sand.
They aren't together any more but friends still.

It's taken a long time to find any kind of self esteem and confidence and move forwards with my life.
I have been seeing a counsellor to sort my feeling about my mother out and I am happy now but I still feel like I want to hold them accountable for their actions and I know this is not a matter of legality in the sense of reporting it to the police but I have been looking online about civil suits.

I don't even care if nothing comes of it, I'm not after any money, I just want them to acknowledge the bad job and how much damage they caused to my mental health and consequently my career.

I feel like if I sue them then they will have to listen to what I am saying rather than dismissing it as unimportant which is always how they've done it and made me feel. If I was just to write them a letter then they don't have to read it or acknowledge it's how I feel or even accept responsibility.

I know this may likely end our relationship forever and I am prepared to accept that - I don't want that kind of person in my life or in my children's lives.

My DH thinks it's a tad OTT and won't get anywhere especially since they never physically abused me and will only result in the lost relationship.
AIBU to want to sue them?
Tia.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 01/08/2017 16:07

OP, I would also try to focus your energy (and anger) on the stuff you can change - what went wrong in your career?

Hissy · 01/08/2017 16:09

maybe acknowledge what they did wrong

Sweetheart, they don't see that they did wrong. they will never see this.

I know that this is the pain that just doesn't stop.

My M moved house (to another part of the country, think 4+ hours away) without leaving me her forwarding address. When I expressed my pain and bewilderment she replied 'well, we were never that close..'

Write the letter you want to write. write the scenario you want to happen, read it to yourself, or even to your counsellor, but then it's time to let it go.

Trust me, nothing they do or say will change what they did to you. Even an apology won't heal that hurt.

You will come to terms with this, it will take time, but the pain will become less raw.

The thread Stately homes is a good place to feel heard, it will help

Tryingtoconceive2years · 01/08/2017 16:09

Oh TheParents I do so get it, I had an arsehole of a mother who I have not spoken to in a year and my god it feels good.

You want them to take ownership of what they did and by suing them you might get that but it isnt the answer.

They will always be arseholes and sadly that wont chance and you can never change what they did to you (even your dad by not doing anything about it) by anything other than being the bigger and better person. Be thankful that they have taught you how not to be a parent, be thankful that through all of that you are still happily married and didnt use thier relationship as an example and untilmatly be happy that you have help in the form of a counseller to get the help to move on and find peace with the childhood that you so wish was different.

Be strong

Blatherskite · 01/08/2017 16:11

I get where you're coming from. My father physically and emotionally abused me and my mother basically ignored it while it didn't affect my younger siblings. When I left and he started on them, she finally kicked him out.

It absolutely sucks that the two people in your life who are supposed to love and care for you unconditionally didn't. If you're anything like me, it makes you feel absolutely worthless that you couldn't even engender that level of care from your own parents! I've had a LOT of counselling and I'm still not sure I'm over it.

But taking them to court won't help. They still won't acknowledge that they did anything wrong and you will have burned through a tonne of money and still feel as out of control as you do now. The only thing I could do was go NC with my father and distanced from my mother. The only thing I have control over is how they treat me now. My father has missed out on 20 years of having me in his life, missed my wedding and has never met my children. I win. They are awesome and he'll never know.

starsorwater · 01/08/2017 16:14

I always think unconditional love is a bit of an ask, once adulthood is achieved.

Lucysky2017 · 01/08/2017 16:18

Might be hard to prove unless you have doctors' reports from all those years ago and if you are not too late to bring an action in terms of limitation acts. If you lose you have to pay their legal costs so you might lose ever penny you have so do take a lot of good advice from a solicitor before proceeding.

MummaGiles · 01/08/2017 16:21

You have, from what you've written there, no actionable head of claim. There's been no breach of contract or act of negligence causing you to suffer loss. Your claim would get no where and you could, if your parents engaged solicitors, end up owing significant sums to them in adverse legal costs. Don't sue them.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/08/2017 16:23

Like others, I don't believe you'll get what you want from suing your parents, even if you had a concrete reason to do so.

You could, if you really felt like it, "divorce" your parents - but really, why pay the solicitors the money when it's just as easy to go NC and never speak to them again?

I totally get your frustration but they are who they are - this won't change them, and will just cost you more frustration, energy and money and you'll still come out of it without getting anything from them other than you have already had.

So sorry you had such a shit mother/parents - your best "revenge" is living life well and moving on from them, not caring in the slightest what they do, say or think.

Thanks for you. x

viques · 01/08/2017 16:23

No, don't sue them. Thank them(metaphorically not in reality). Thank them for making you a better person than they are, thank them for showing you how NOT to parent, thank them for giving you the freedom to make your own choices in life , thank them for making you kinder, more caring,more empathetic, more human than they are.

You have been through and learned some hard lessons in your life, but that time is behind you now, and you have a new and better life so don't waste any more energy on pursuing a revenge that will be meaningless to them, financially devastating to you and ultimately will not give you what you seek. Make your triumph a life well lived within the love and security of your own family.

Goodasgoldilox · 01/08/2017 16:28

A great choice of poem Twist. I suggest OP that you resolve not to be a Larkin sort of parent yourself. Aim to follow the model in Adrian Mitchell's parody of the poem :

This Be The Converse

They tuck you up, your Mum and Dad,
They read you Peter Rabbit, too.
They give you all the treats they had
And add some extra, just for you.

They were tucked up when they were small,
(Pink perfume, blue tobacco-smoke),
By those whose kiss healed any fall,
Whose laughter doubled any joke.

Man hands on happiness to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
So love your parents all you can
And have some cheerful kids yourself.

Goodasgoldilox · 01/08/2017 16:30

I meant to add:

Forget them and start a new cycle.

joharea · 01/08/2017 16:30

As somebody who was physically abused by my mother and stepfather and is no longer in contact with them, I'd say not. I don't see how it would be helpful or achieve anything.

WhoreOfBabyliss · 01/08/2017 16:39

They would likely counter sue you for stress and harassment or some such. Keep a hold of your money and go no contact and deal with them in the only language they understand.

Write a letter if you feel the need as it might be cathartic but it might just precipitate loads of nasty letters from them. Slip quietly into NC is my advice. Don't give them another day or another precious minute of thought. Block delete and move on without them. You will feel immensely empowered and that alone will make you feel tinnes better as you will have wrested a bit of control finally. Good luck. You can do this.

GeorgiePeachie · 01/08/2017 16:40

Have you been watching black mirror OP?

AhoyPirates · 01/08/2017 16:46

As a previous poster suggested wander on over to the stately homes thread on the relationships board

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2940513-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Your parents are very unlikely to have a change of heart over their role in how you feel, they will just be outraged at the suing bit. You cannot change them, you can only change your response to them.

Low contact or no contact may be the only answer.

Walkingtowork · 01/08/2017 16:48

I second the Stately Homes thread, even just reading it is very beneficial x

Yes, I did a kiss, and I don't care :)

Farmerswife4life1984 · 01/08/2017 16:48

Suing them is not going to take away what they did !! YABU

Pigface1 · 01/08/2017 16:54

You don't have a cause of action. It will cost you a lot of money (if you can find a solicitor who's willing to write such a letter, they'll be dodgy). Also I know how harsh this sounds but it will make you look ridiculous.

Maybe think about spending that money on counselling or something that will actually benefit you. Head over to the stately homes board for more advice on how to move forward. This definitely isn't it.

NannyRed · 01/08/2017 16:54

Sue them for what? Being shitty parents? Hey none of us are perfect at parenting and we all have different coping strategies. Just move on and get on with your life instead of making a song and dance about ancient history.

Walkingtowork · 01/08/2017 17:02

I say make all the song and dance you need to! (but don't sue them)

DeadGood · 01/08/2017 17:03

Hi OP!

Have you thought about posting a thread about your parents? Maybe on the Relationships board?

It sounds like you need to talk about what you went through. It's easy for us all to say "nah don't sue them" or "YABU". But that isn't really what you want to hear. It's true that taking them to court won't work - but I'm sure it would be helpful for you to get some feedback about your parents, about how tough a time you really had, and maybe what you can do to move forward.

I'm so sorry to hear that you were so badly treated growing up. You deserved better. AIBU isn't the best place to talk about it - there's also the "Stately Homes" thread, give it a go x Flowers

Bambamrubblesmum · 01/08/2017 17:04

Really helpful there Red Hmm

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 01/08/2017 17:04

I do understand this desire for some sort of acknowledgement and all the people 'cleverly' quoting Philip Larkin (like they have done at me over the years) or blithely suggesting 'move on with your life' and 'it's in the past' does nothing to alleviate the pain. Or at least it doesn't for me, you may find it helpful of course.

I do think this raises interesting questions legally. More and more evidence is showing the very real physical neurobiological impact that childhood deprivation and abuse has. It really does stay with you long term and can affect many systems in the body including immune systems and a persons ability to deal with stress in adulthood. People who have suffered certain types of abuse have been shown to have a smaller hippocampus. Although the brain is plastic it can take a lot to undo. If we are beginning to make these links, eventually will we be able to realistically sue parents? And people's assertions that 'it's ancient history' are slowly being disproven as these long-term physical effects are being shown.

Sorry this is quite a depressing post but you have touched a nerve with me!

Basically to sue your parents will only cause more pain. Probably you'll have to listen to the denial not just from them but from lawyers defending them who will do everything to minimise your experience. It will be terrible. Though personally I completely understand your desire to sue your parents. However, they are invested in not seeing. Not seeing what they've done, minimising (incidentally as others have done on this thread) but most importantly not seeing you as a person with feelings. Please carry on with counselling. There are people who understand the damage abuse can do Flowers

DeadGood · 01/08/2017 17:05

"Just move on and get on with your life instead of making a song and dance about ancient history."

This is the kind of shit I'm talking about, OP. "Ancient history" Hmm If only it were so easy to leave these things behind.

That sort of attitude belongs back in the 1900s.

DeadGood · 01/08/2017 17:06

Fab post chirpy

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