To sue my parents

[TheParents]

My parents weren't good parents and they did quite a lot of damage to my mental health.

My mother was emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling.
My dad buried his head in the sand.
They aren't together any more but friends still.

It's taken a long time to find any kind of self esteem and confidence and move forwards with my life.
I have been seeing a counsellor to sort my feeling about my mother out and I am happy now but I still feel like I want to hold them accountable for their actions and I know this is not a matter of legality in the sense of reporting it to the police but I have been looking online about civil suits.

I don't even care if nothing comes of it, I'm not after any money, I just want them to acknowledge the bad job and how much damage they caused to my mental health and consequently my career.

I feel like if I sue them then they will have to listen to what I am saying rather than dismissing it as unimportant which is always how they've done it and made me feel. If I was just to write them a letter then they don't have to read it or acknowledge it's how I feel or even accept responsibility.

I know this may likely end our relationship forever and I am prepared to accept that - I don't want that kind of person in my life or in my children's lives.

My DH thinks it's a tad OTT and won't get anywhere especially since they never physically abused me and will only result in the lost relationship.
AIBU to want to sue them?
Tia.

I felt like you for a little while.

Trying to sue them is really payback. Time to inflict some pain back in some ways. But honestly it will cause you nothing but pain and stress, and will not have the desired outcome. You will just dig up more pain for yourself...

FOCUS entirely on your happiness, your children and your future. You would benefit from Mindfulness and Meditation. Pour all of that energy into your own life, to make it the polar opposite of your childhood. Being truly happy is the only way to get even. Be joyful and cut them out of your life if they are still bringing you down, but don't let this go on any longer.

You are only hurting yourself and your kids.

OP don't just make a song and dance, do a full on fecking opera - with large divas in Viking helmets wailing full pitch

Don't sue them, but do go non contact (of course having carefully thought through your wishes on this front, and only if right for you). If you feel this way, why maintain a relationship - take the power by choosing not to.

"I just want them to acknowledge the bad job and how much damage they caused to my mental health and consequently my career. "

I know exactly what you mean. The sad truth is they probably never will.
I would go no contact in your position, continue with the counselling and focus on you rather than your parents.

The thing is OP that you have this energy, this negative energy, that needs an outlet.

You want 'balance' to be restored - for your parents to admit and atone for their mistakes. And then you would be able to move on.

I guess the first thing is to accept that this won't happen. So do what you can to work through your feelings. But could you then look for some outlet for all that anger and hurt? Direct it towards something?

It could be something obvious like kickboxing - or maybe you could take it further and consider volunteering for a charity: transform the bad into good?

TheParents - first of all, massive hugs to you, and well done on your counselling and taking steps to move on.

Please don't sue your parents. It won't achieve what you are hoping for.

I'm not sure if you discussed this idea to sue your parents with your counsellor, but if you did, did they help you to explore not just your feelings for wanting to sue them but also the potential outcomes and the effects this might have on you? Both if you get the result you want and if you do not get the result you hope for?

I think you really need to consider how you will feel if you confront them and they just refuse to accept what you have to say. I think this is the most likely outcome sadly.

But also, on the small chance they do accept or admit to the harm they have caused you, this might be harder for you than you might think.

If I can suggest reading the Susan Forward books about Toxic Parents, if you haven't already, you might find something in there that helps you with the way you feel.

But also I found a blog that was very supportive to adult children who had, for various reasons, cut contact with their parents. It's called issendai.com and the blogger looks at the behaviour of parents whose adult children have cut contact with them, mostly on on-line forums, and examines how these parents just cannot accept that they might have done anything to cause the break in contact.

It's hard reading, but the blogger seems to have spent a lot of time researching the subject and it might help decide if confronting your parents is really what you want to do, or if you think they will be like the parents on this blog who just can't or won't ever accept what they have done to their children.

Can I also add, that from personal experience I've found that even a negative response to a controlling or manipulative person is still giving them something they want.

They might not be controlling or manipulating you, but they do get to tell everyone else how much you've upset them and, as a previous poster said, they'll be saying things like "After all we've done for her" and "We've tried our best / said we're sorry / don't understand what she means because we never did that" to them.

Getting into discussion about what they've done and the way it's made you feel only allows them the chance to deny it, gaslight you, or throw accusations back at you.

The people I am NC with now keep asking for explanations because they say they don't know what they've done wrong. I've explained it so many times that if they don't know now they never will, so I've stopped trying. They don't really want to understand, they just want to keep the discourse open so they can tell me why I'm wrong.

It's too exhausting. I know they'll never accept what they did, or the way I feel about it, and I know that I can't change the way they act, but I can and have changed the way I respond to them.

Now when they turn up demanding explanations I just say I've already given them explanations and I'm not going to do so again. When they say they don't understand I say that's not my problem. If they try to raise an issue, even if it's wrong or blames me, instead of trying to correct them or justify myself I say I'm not prepared to speak to them. And then I close the door and walk away.

It's brought me far more peace than trying to make them admit or accept anything.

I hope that whatever you decide to do brings you the peace and closure that you now deserve OP.

I think you should probably just try to find peace and walk away. I think any legal action, which can be long and drawn out, would just add to your load just now.

Also, I'm not sure where you are, but not all legal systems recognise pain and suffering as grounds for legal action. You would need to sue for out of pocket expenses.

Ps would recommend NAPAC - napac.org.uk/

I know how it feels, my parents are quite similar. Don't sue, you will only fuel her victimism and give her ammunition to actually gather sympathy from others. She will continue to harm you and the rest of the people around her will actually believe she is right in belittling you, as you will have sue her publicly. Cut contact. She wants the attention, you will give her a platform and a stage if you sue her.

Don't do it. Talk to your counselor about this. Hopefully, s/he will be able to point you in a more constructive direction to take, one that won't cause you even more harm. Because I believe that this course of action will only end up hurting you more: you won't get what you want out of it, and you will lose financially on top of it.

Walk away with your head held high, and try to move on with your life without them in it.

Thank-you so much everyone. You've given me some great advice and mostly all been lovely.

I'd not spoken to my counsellor about it yet as it was a pretty new idea and not due to see counsellor until next week.

I'm going to have a look at some of the websites & blogs you've all recommended.

Thank-you again!

We have two adopted children who were taken from their BM because of emotional abuse and sever neglect. They could not sue her even though much of the abuse and neglect is well documented. So I really can't see how from a practical point of view you suing them would work.

Just one word of warning about some of the books that are out there though.

Most of the books I've found about estrangement seems to focus on fixing it, and often are aimed towards the people who haven't chosen the estrangement (but may have caused it).

There's one in particular that I don't want to single out, but the woman who wrote it doesn't seem entirely unbiased if you look into her and the title alone is enough to ring alarm bells. I don't think her book would be for you, it's certainly not for me, and I think reading it would do more harm than good.

The blog I mentioned does discuss her as she made a complaint to them regarding a quote they posted from her book.

But it made me aware that reading a book like that one when you are feeling vulnerable is not the best idea.

I still recommend the Susan Forward books, because I think she is quite balanced and I don't think she's pushing an agenda. She's equally open to reconciliation or continued no-contact based on how each person considering this situation feels.

And as I said, the issendai blog is very good, although the sympathies do tent to lean towards the adult children who have chosen to go no-contact rather than to the parents who can't accept why. That's not to say they are unsupportive to some parents, just the ones who are abusive on forums and enable others to be abusive too, but if you read the blog you'll see what I mean by that.

So I'd also suggest researching the books a bit and making sure you know what you're getting with them. And remember, anything in them is just the authors opinion, not an order you have to follow.