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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I can't do it anymore.

85 replies

Marshmallowpingpong · 31/07/2017 15:16

I know that I will probably get flamed but here goes. I agreed to look after a neighbours daughter over summer holidays (teacher so off at the moment) and I have realised that I just can't do it anymore. I feel so stressed and ill. The little girl is autistic and I am just exhausted and it is such hard work. I was feeling stressed towards the end of term but agreed partly because I need the money but also because I thought I could manage it. At the moment I feel so bad/I'll I am even worried about being well enough for September. I haven't been paid anything yet despite giving them my bank details and seriously wonder if I will get paid at all. The stress is affecting my whole family- why didn't I realise how hard it would be??
What am I going to do?

OP posts:
Beebee7 · 31/07/2017 16:30

YANBU and I am sorry you are ill and stressed.

In my experience, some people will happily offload their kids onto anyone who will take them, for as long as possible, and for as often as possible. Especially if they have challenging behaviour, or they are hyper and energetic. They won't give it a thought, and they have very little conscience.

Look after yourself OP; this child is not your responsibility. Tell the mother today that you are giving her a weeks notice. Say you cannot have her any longer, because of personal reasons that you cannot discuss.

In my experience, when you tell people you can't let them freeload help them anymore, they sometimes get arsey. Not your problem. Let her find someone else.

eddielizzard · 31/07/2017 16:32

i would also ask for payment tonight and give them notice til the end of the week - if you can manage that. sounds like you're really desperate.

you don't need permission to say no. your time is just as precious as everyone else's and you have to guard it like a hawk!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/07/2017 16:33

What was the agreement for pay? Today is the last day of the calendar month. Can't you send them a text telling them they need to pay you today for all work completed until end of today? Then once you have the money, I'd give notice. If they refuse to pay you today, tell them you won't be minding her anymore and they can find another minder from tomorrow.

Tryingtoconceive2years · 31/07/2017 16:34

Agree with Mummyoflittledragon it is the end of the month meaning payday so pop them a little reminder text

MoiraRosesMeltdown · 31/07/2017 16:40

Mummyoflittledragon's suggestion is perfect

PancakesAteTheChildren · 31/07/2017 16:59

Ah I feel for you! By using you they are saving a shad load as often SN childminders charge more. So don't feel guilty asking for your pay! Then give a weeks notice.

Imchangingmyname · 31/07/2017 17:03

God there are some cheeky feckers in this world. Ask for your money tonight for the time you have already worked and when they've paid, tell them you cannot continue.

Beadieeye · 31/07/2017 17:20

Don't feel any guilt whatsoever in telling them you are unable to continue this favour you're doing them. Honestly...some people! They can find legit childcare like everyone else has to or rely on family members if push comes to shove. I would never dream of expecting this of a neighbour. What an uncomfortable position to have put you in.
This set-up is dodgy legality-wise but they are definitely morally obliged to slip you some money to cover expenses AT LEAST.

Namechangetempissue · 31/07/2017 19:36

Have you told them yet op? Hope all is ok?

Original poster
Marshmallowpingpong · 31/07/2017 19:39

Thanks everyone. I have told them and have asked to be paid - not holding my breath to be honest. I really don't like letting people down but I have decided that I do need to look after my own health which is very fragile at the moment. Thanks again for all the support and advice.

OP posts:
nina2b · 31/07/2017 19:42

Seems like a good outcome, OP. I do hope you get the money to which you are entitled. x

SorrelSoup · 31/07/2017 19:50

I hope it works out for you. As a pp said, you did it with the best of intentions.

eddielizzard · 31/07/2017 19:55

well done.

YOU really need to safeguard your own health. hoping that others will realise you're on your knees doesn't work for people who take advantage. saying no is a life changing thing it really is. practice saying it just for the hell of it. it feels uncomfortable - but just observe that feeling - don't go back on it.

NO is a good word.

Urubu · 31/07/2017 19:56

Text them to pay you by bank transfer tonight or you are not having her starting tomorrow.
If they pay you - and if you can face it - have her tomorrow to give them a little bit of time to find childcare but they have to add the pay for tomorrow in tonight's payment or you are not doing it.

I hate confrontation which is why I am suggesting texting instead of calling / face to face

Urubu · 31/07/2017 19:57

Oopd didn't saw you update. Well done!

Original poster
Marshmallowpingpong · 31/07/2017 20:15

I have given them my bank details more than once so there really isn't any excuse - it would take minutes to transfer the money. The fact that they haven't leads me to suspect that I will never see it. The fact that I felt that yet again I was being taken advantage of was quite triggering and added to all the stress. I do feel terrible because I felt that I was making a difference to this little girl and she seemed to really enjoy all the different activities that we were doing.
I have downloaded the book recommended above and a couple of others including one on anxiety. I need to now focus on getting back on my feet in time for September.

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 31/07/2017 20:17

Have they responded op? Were they ok about it? Hope you haven't had a hard time over it.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 31/07/2017 20:31

Well done op. I'm glad Flowers

How do you know them? Just wondered if there was another way to get that money back from them.

Hope you can relax a bit now and rest during your holidays

Original poster
Marshmallowpingpong · 31/07/2017 20:34

No response as yet and unsurprisingly no money. I am sure that they are [understandably!] very fed up. Will let you know if I hear anything or if I ever do get paid.

OP posts:
Tofutti · 31/07/2017 20:39

YANBU. Hope you get tour money.

Namechangetempissue · 31/07/2017 20:42

I predict a "you let us down last minute so I'm deducting from your money for loss of wages as one of us has to stay at home" or some such reply. They clearly don't intend on paying you Angry

SidneyBristow · 31/07/2017 20:48

This is absurd, honestly! How dare they! When they come over tomorrow to drop her off, can you stand in the doorway and say you must be paid immediately? And don't let her in until the transfer goes through. I know it would be very awkward, but they're relying on you to cave in and be patient until they feel like paying. Which they never will of their own volition.

Think of yourself - you're making yourself ill, and for what? So they can have free childcare. No thank you. You're worth more than this Flowers

SidneyBristow · 31/07/2017 20:51

Blush that's what I get for posting after getting the baby to sleep. Didn't see the update. Well done you - hope the relief is huge and you get some rest soon x

notapizzaeater · 31/07/2017 20:51

Text them and say the money hasn't gone through - make sure they pay before you say you are stopping and refuse to do anymore until,they pay

nina2b · 31/07/2017 21:21

The main thing, OP, is you are out of this situation. If they don't pay you, that speaks volumes about them but it means you do not have to feel in the least bit guilty. If you had done this all summer, you would have been taken advantage of even more. I am fizzing on your behalf.