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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I can't do it anymore.

85 replies

Marshmallowpingpong · 31/07/2017 15:16

I know that I will probably get flamed but here goes. I agreed to look after a neighbours daughter over summer holidays (teacher so off at the moment) and I have realised that I just can't do it anymore. I feel so stressed and ill. The little girl is autistic and I am just exhausted and it is such hard work. I was feeling stressed towards the end of term but agreed partly because I need the money but also because I thought I could manage it. At the moment I feel so bad/I'll I am even worried about being well enough for September. I haven't been paid anything yet despite giving them my bank details and seriously wonder if I will get paid at all. The stress is affecting my whole family- why didn't I realise how hard it would be??
What am I going to do?

OP posts:
MoiraRosesMeltdown · 31/07/2017 15:53

I think I'd do what the others have suggested, but offer to do a week next month or odd days here and there to help the parents out. Hopefully that might cushion the blow and appease your conscious. Unless they don't pay you in which case you should consider that the reason you are stopping.

ImperialBlether · 31/07/2017 15:54

Make sure you are paid before you tell them you're not doing any more.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 31/07/2017 15:57

Bok:

A Woman in Your Own Right: Assertiveness and You

When you start to be able to say No (without guilt) you will feel better

Rossigigi · 31/07/2017 15:57

OP you just have to be upfront with them and say you are unable to look after her.
You sound very stressed from your posts, and need the time off for your own mental health.

Laine21 · 31/07/2017 15:57

You don't need to explain anything about being exhausted, stressed or anything like that.

You have mentioned you fell down the stairs a few days ago, go with that, strain on the back muscles after an injury, twist or fall can get worse before it gets better, I would just explain about the fall and that you need rest, painkillers and then when you are upto it physio, so you are very sorry, but as you are physically hurting/unwell you have to stop the childminding as you need to recover, and you feel you need to be fitter than you are feeling to look after a young child.

then about week before term starts, treat yourself to a spa day or a couple of really good massages......(ex teacher who understands stress and back ache!)

IdentifiesAsYoda · 31/07/2017 15:58

Bok? Book

Rossigigi · 31/07/2017 16:00

Laine21 has provided a good excuse

Groovee · 31/07/2017 16:02

I'd message saying that as they haven't paid you, that you can no longer continue.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/07/2017 16:03

Sounds awful, and as a teacher you need a break.
You've had lots of good suggestions about what to say.
Could I just my voice to those who have already said it - make sure you get paid. Chase them up right now - no reason why they shouldn't do an immediate transfer. If they delay paying, you know you won't get the money if you resign with notice, so you might as well stop today. Don't wait till tonight, do it now.

Butterymuffin · 31/07/2017 16:03

I have to say that if they haven't paid you already, I think it's quite likely they won't. So I would write that off and consider it your penalty for cancelling on them at short notice (even though that's justified). Lainey's suggested excuse is good.

Original poster
Marshmallowpingpong · 31/07/2017 16:05

Thanks all. I will have a look at that book. I am definitely in need of something. I am such a wuss. A grown adult needing permission to say 'No'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marshmallowpingpong · 31/07/2017 16:09

I am also very concerned that I won't be paid and won't be surprised if I don't see any money. Worrying about not getting paid has added to the stress and affected my already low self esteem. I kep checking at the weekend sure that the money would appear but it never did. Sad

OP posts:
Laine21 · 31/07/2017 16:09

I think you have the permission from all of us to say NO! go for it, don't look back, rest recuperate otherwise autumn term will be an absolute bitch!

Hygge · 31/07/2017 16:10

I was just about to say the same as Buttery, I don't think they are going to pay you.

Better to cut your losses now than drag them out another week. Especially when it's making you ill and costing you money.

They should pay you what they owe, but I doubt they will.

Try asking them for the money right now, if they can't or won't transfer it today you'll know you're probably never going to get it.

Tell them anything, say you've noticed you're about to go overdrawn unless they put the money in now.

Then when you've left them for today, regardless of whether you have been paid, let them know you won't be back tomorrow because of health reasons. They don't need to know what those reasons are, and you don't have to be injured to just stop this now.

whatsleep · 31/07/2017 16:13

Text the mum/dad today and say you need to be paid today so please bring the cash or transfer the money today. I hate it when people take advantage of someone who has been good enough to help them out.

Lynnm63 · 31/07/2017 16:14

Say no. laine21's explanation is excellent as it cannot be argued with. Lay it on thick that whilst you are so sorry you cannot in all conscience offer the level of care you feel duty bound to offer in your current condition.
I'd mention the money too there's no way they should not pay for the childminding they've had to date.

magicstar1 · 31/07/2017 16:16

Get the money up to date first...otherwise you mightn't get paid at all.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 31/07/2017 16:16

Look after yourself. No-one else can. That's the bottom line.When you're looking after yourself you can't be whole enough to care for others. You are not a wuss!!

Willow2017 · 31/07/2017 16:18

Looking after a child in their own home isn't child minding so isnt illegal.

Tell them you are ill and just can't do it any more. Also remind them how much you should have been paid up till now. It's never easy when it comes to money if yoy aren't assertive but they have no right to say they will pay you and not do it. I would have no qualms stopping if they have not even paid you yet.

Take care of yourself so you are ok to go back to work after the hols
Running yourself into the ground just isn't worth it.

Crunchymum · 31/07/2017 16:18

I think I remember your other thread?

You were asking how much you should charge?

Were payment terms agreed?

It sounded like they needed a nanny not a teacher.

PeggySueOooOo · 31/07/2017 16:20

You could just use the not being paid as a reason to terminate the arrangement. You can not be expected to work for free and so far that appears to be their expectation. If they pay and ask you to continue you can say that the trust has gone and you don't want to continue the arrangement. All of which would be true.

Benedikte2 · 31/07/2017 16:21

Don't feel bad about yourself OP. We all occasional take on more than we can cope with and you need to look after your physical and mental health. Try to relax for what is left of the holidays.
Very good advice given above about finishing. Keep your excuses brief and allow no room for them to manoeuvre you into agreeing to continue.
Good Luck
Oh and do let us know how you get on.

glitterfarts · 31/07/2017 16:21

I think you should message them and say that unless you receive payment overnight, you will not be coming back tomorrow.

Once payment is received, don't go back. Just call in sick.

FetchezLaVache · 31/07/2017 16:22

I agree with whatsleep - please insist that the parents pay you tonight for the work you have done for them up to now. It is making me seethe (as the mother of an autistic child) to think of you making yourself ill and stressed when you're supposed to be having your much-needed decompression time - and these fuckers not even paying you the agreed fee!

justkeeponsmiling · 31/07/2017 16:23

I would use Badhairday 's wording.