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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to reclaim the cash and not let 12 year old keep it?

59 replies

honeylulu · 31/07/2017 10:29

We have been at a music festival this weekend. It started Friday. It's a cashless festival where you charge up your wristband with cash/bank card and literally everything you buy comes off the band.
Our eldest is 12 and allowed a fair bit of freedom (family friendly festival and some of our friends were there - the older kids like to go off together etc) so we agreed he could have his own funds. This was to cover evening meal from the foodstalls, fairground rides, ice creams, drinks in the arena and any other bits he wanted to buy on a whim. (We did a cooked breakfast and picnic lunch at the campsite.)

Any unspent credit on wristbands can be reclaimed to your bank account afterwards. Last year he had none left!

The first day we agreed to give him £40, then top up £20 Saturday and £20 Sunday to make sure he didn't blow it all in one go! This worked well the previous year when he tended to be a bit profligate. Having thought about it he has got a lot better at saving recently, as he's developed an expensive trainer habit!

So Friday went to plan. Saturday by the afternoon he relayed to me that he still had £27 left. Unfortunately by then our youngest (3) had become quite poorly. Went to see the medics who suspected possible tonsilitis but advised giving her calpol to see if she rallied. I gave son £20 top up as agreed (a bit distracted at this point) but within an hour 3 year old had gone downhill so decided to go home with her. We all left. Husband decided to go back to festival yesterday for last day. Son decided not to go as it was bucketing with rain.

Son now asserts that it is fair just and reasonable that all the reclaimed cash from his wristband should be his. We had never actually discussed this. He also revealed that he had always assumed that to be the case and that he had deliberately underspent on Friday for this reason (saving for new must have item).

So husband thinks HIBU and I should reclaim/keep all the money. It's my call though as it came from my "fun money" funds.

I think he shouldn't be punished for saving/budgeting though I also think he is a bit cheeky and presumptuous when the money was given for a specific purpose. (I was a bit like that myself as a child however so I can relate).

I am considering letting him keep the £27 from the first day but reclaiming the £20 from the second day for myself. This is not least because when we arrived home on Saturday we had a McDonald's and I also took the kids out for a tonsilitis-friendly ice cream sundae yesterday as a treat - all paid for by me so the Saturday top up up should be null and void.

Son says IABU as the money was not given with conditions.

So who is right? Me, H or son?

OP posts:

TippyTinkleTrousers · 31/07/2017 10:31

I would do what you suggested above.

I couldn't be arsed with the row, but I wouldn't let him keep the lot.

GeillisTheWitch · 31/07/2017 10:32

I am considering letting him keep the £27 from the first day but reclaiming the £20 from the second day for myself

I'd say YANBU to do this. Although if he keeps arguing about it he'd lose that too. Its money that was meant for a specific purpose, food, etc not pocket money.

ThisMorningWentBadly · 31/07/2017 10:32

I think you are right.

blueskyinmarch · 31/07/2017 10:34

If you had stayed and he had spent it on food and fun then you wouldn't have thought twice about it. If he wants to save it to spend on trainers which i assume he will wear a lot then that seems to be a good outcome.It isn't his fault that his sibling was unwell and you had to go home or that the weather was terrible. I vote let him keep it.

emochild · 31/07/2017 10:35

Personally I'd let him keep it -it was spending money, why can't he spend it on what he wants?

Wait4nothing · 31/07/2017 10:35

I would let him keep the £27 as he budgeted to 'save' this - of the £20 from the Saturday I would split it - say half went on his tea (which he would have had to buy anyway from that money) and give him £10 so £37 total.
If you had continued at the festival the money would be gone but obviously Sunday money doesn't count as that was never given.
He will probably be disappointed to have missed the end so might be nice to have some spends.

clumsyduck · 31/07/2017 10:37

I think your idea is fair

On the one hand I think let him keep it because the festival was cut short for him

But also think he was a bit presumptuous thinking he'd keep it however same as you I would probably have been the same as a child !

Hmmm yeh I think your plan is the fairest

ragdoll700 · 31/07/2017 10:56

I would let him keep it if it's for trainers, had you given him cash would you take it back?

marylou21 · 31/07/2017 10:58

I still remember the feeling of unfairness of my mum reclaiming my unspent money 30 odd years ago. Didn't argue with her though. Think your plan is very fair

TheSecondOfHerName · 31/07/2017 11:00

Could you split the remaining balance 50:50?
That way he benefits from not overspending, and you get some of your money back.

PsychoPumpkin · 31/07/2017 11:02

I'd let him keep it. If you were happy with him spending the lot at the festival, I assume it's not going to be missed?

TheSecondOfHerName · 31/07/2017 11:03

I am considering letting him keep the £27 from the first day but reclaiming the £20 from the second day for myself.

Just read this bit properly. I think your plan is very fair.

lmer · 31/07/2017 11:04

I like @Wait4nothing's plan

Floggingmolly · 31/07/2017 11:05

If he'd spent it at the festival you wouldn't be getting it back... To me it's a bit like giving a kid pocket money and then taking it back at the end of the week if he hasn't spent it yet.

WaxOnFeckOff · 31/07/2017 11:08

Reading through I would do exactly as you've suggested. If he'd gone on the last day with your DH, he could have had what was left in total.

A compromise could be that you give the £27 and then deduct offwhatever you spent on him (mcdonalds and ice-cream) from the £20 he was given for the 2nd day and he can have that back.

pigeondujour · 31/07/2017 11:09

So spread out his money allowance to stop him being profligate and save some, then he ends up with less money altogether? I wouldn't.

glitterlips1 · 31/07/2017 11:10

I would let him keep it. It would be dead money to me and if he is going to put it towards trainers then I would be happy with this.

craftsy · 31/07/2017 11:10

Jesus, let him keep it. You budgeted to give him £80 spending money so of course he assumed it was his. What is the difference to you if he spent it on icecream or was responsible with a savings goal in mind? Nothing except maybe you could be proud of his mindfulness instead of punishing him for it.

I'm honestly shocked and appalled by your attitude. How about just saying well done son, to him and not teaching him a really shitty lesson about how self control and saving gets you bupkiss, so you should spend all you have if you want to get the benefit of it. Fuck, no wonder so many people are shit with money!

Tinty · 31/07/2017 11:10

I think you should let him keep it all. The festival was cut short for him so he missed a lot of fun for his sick sibling. You have saved the £20 for the Sunday. I know you spent extra on McDonalds but not all on him. If you don't applaud his saving he may not bother any more. Next year he may blow the £40 on the first day and the two £20's on the subsequent days. Also as others have said you gave him the money and expected it to be spent anyway. If he has just spent it all you wouldn't have even questioned it. It is always good to encourage a saving habit, even if he is spending it on expensive trainers. Also won't you just have to buy the trainers when he grows out of them anyway?

Queenioqueenio · 31/07/2017 11:14

Seems a bit tight to claim it back from him. Presumably if he'd have spent it himself on food & drinks etc you wouldn't have been bothered? It feel like punishing him for being more prudent to me.

Popchyck · 31/07/2017 11:18

I'd let him keep it. His weekend was cut short through no fault of his own. I hope your 3 year old is feeling a bit better by the way. Rotten luck for you all.

I must say I don't like parents who put conditions on money given to children, particularly when these conditions are usually only specified after the fact.

He underspent on Friday in order to save his money. I'd want to encourage that behaviour rather than penalise him for this.

The law of unintended consequences often comes in to play. I suspect that the next time you give him money, he will spend it as quickly as possible before you get the chance to ask for it back. That isn't a life lesson that I would want him to learn.

WaxOnFeckOff · 31/07/2017 11:24

Yes, but the money given to him was presumably for him to feed himself for the weekend too and I'm presuming that the OP didn't starve him for the rest of the weekend?

If my DC were to go swimming, I'd happily give them the cash for the swimming and a treat afterwards. If they chose to spend the day in their room, then they'd get bugger all as there is food in the house. OPs DS chose not to go on the last day so forfeits last day spending money but saved from first day should be returned and the middle days cash is up for debate/negotiation.

I'm generally very generous to my DSs but they also need to understand that money doesn't go on trees. I'm presuming cash not given back to DS at this point goes back into treat money to be used by all (including DS) at a later date?

WaxOnFeckOff · 31/07/2017 11:27

You could argue that the McDonalds/Ice-cream was not DSs choice to spend the money he'd been allocated for food on so therefore he should get the whole 2nd day £20 back. He may have spent less than the OP given the option.

HipsterHunter · 31/07/2017 11:28

I am considering letting him keep the £27 from the first day but reclaiming the £20 from the second day for myself

This is fair.

mylaptopismylapdog · 31/07/2017 11:31

I think he is showing signs of learning to manage his money and that that usa habit well worth encouraging you are right.

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