AIBU to reclaim the cash and not let 12 year old keep it?

[honeylulu]

We have been at a music festival this weekend. It started Friday. It's a cashless festival where you charge up your wristband with cash/bank card and literally everything you buy comes off the band.
Our eldest is 12 and allowed a fair bit of freedom (family friendly festival and some of our friends were there - the older kids like to go off together etc) so we agreed he could have his own funds. This was to cover evening meal from the foodstalls, fairground rides, ice creams, drinks in the arena and any other bits he wanted to buy on a whim. (We did a cooked breakfast and picnic lunch at the campsite.)

Any unspent credit on wristbands can be reclaimed to your bank account afterwards. Last year he had none left!

The first day we agreed to give him £40, then top up £20 Saturday and £20 Sunday to make sure he didn't blow it all in one go! This worked well the previous year when he tended to be a bit profligate. Having thought about it he has got a lot better at saving recently, as he's developed an expensive trainer habit!

So Friday went to plan. Saturday by the afternoon he relayed to me that he still had £27 left. Unfortunately by then our youngest (3) had become quite poorly. Went to see the medics who suspected possible tonsilitis but advised giving her calpol to see if she rallied. I gave son £20 top up as agreed (a bit distracted at this point) but within an hour 3 year old had gone downhill so decided to go home with her. We all left. Husband decided to go back to festival yesterday for last day. Son decided not to go as it was bucketing with rain.

Son now asserts that it is fair just and reasonable that all the reclaimed cash from his wristband should be his. We had never actually discussed this. He also revealed that he had always assumed that to be the case and that he had deliberately underspent on Friday for this reason (saving for new must have item).

So husband thinks HIBU and I should reclaim/keep all the money. It's my call though as it came from my "fun money" funds.

I think he shouldn't be punished for saving/budgeting though I also think he is a bit cheeky and presumptuous when the money was given for a specific purpose. (I was a bit like that myself as a child however so I can relate).

I am considering letting him keep the £27 from the first day but reclaiming the £20 from the second day for myself. This is not least because when we arrived home on Saturday we had a McDonald's and I also took the kids out for a tonsilitis-friendly ice cream sundae yesterday as a treat - all paid for by me so the Saturday top up up should be null and void.

Son says IABU as the money was not given with conditions.

So who is right? Me, H or son?

So he both wanted to eat his cake and still have it OP :)

It's all part of their development and making choices about what to spend their money on. He didn't want to spend his money and therefore was bored. He is prioritising things over experiences at the moment. He can show off his purchases to his friends and receive kudos and cool points but saying he enjoyed the fairground that he went to with his family maybe doesn't buy as many cool points?

he is just a child growing into a teen and he'll likely go through many transformations and changes of attitude as he does.

I think speaking to him and discussing "what fair looks like" will be a good lesson for him.

I've found this tactic better when dealing with my own teens. Shouting at them that they might have emptied the dishwasher while I was at work and they were on holiday just creates an atmosphere. Explaining to them that coming in from work and seeing dirty dishes lying about when 2 people have been in the house with loads of free time makes me annoyed and unhappy and unappreciated and doesn't make me inclined to put in effort to make them a lovely dinner seems to work better. I also explained that I could leave them a list of daily chores but I'd prefer them to use their initiative to ensure that we all have a nice environment to live in. It seems to work better but I try not to make it a guilt trip either.

I'd let him keep the money.
I've agreed that ds1 and ds2 will get £5 each per day pocket money on our family holiday this sunmer. If they have any left at the end of the week they're welcome to keep it. I've scrimped and saved this year to make sure we have a good week and the money, once given, is theirs.

Thanks wax I will be thinking of your approach when I talk to him!
It's a really difficult age (he's an "old" 12 if that makes sense) and despite my advancing years I can remember it well and he does remind me of myself at that age.
I want to be more understanding than my parents were (I just got labelled "difficult") but don't want him to be a spoilt brat either!

Oh OP I'm certainly no expert! My DS2 was a lot more forthright than his brother was and a bit more of a doorslammer and liked to keep reminding us of his rights (but never talked about his corresponding responsibilities!) but that died out at about 13ish. He was a highly strung toddler too. he's 16 shortly and is very chilled out (though a bit lazy) and neither of them give us any trouble at all. We have a very quiet house for having two teenagers. I keep waiting for the bubble to burst! :o

Ok we have agreed the following:
The unspent £27 from day 1 will be transferred to his bank account when the refund comes through (might take a few weeks). This I always intended. Yes he was bored but that was the price of the saving.

We agreed the £20 from day 2 is a greyer area but because it was given without express conditions I will give it to him in cash for spending on our family holiday abroad (about 10 days time). We weren't going to give him extra it's an AI holiday and he already gets a decent weekly allowance. He is free to exchange/spend it or save it as he sees fit.
I have told him I do not appreciate moans about boredom if he's sitting on a pile of cash and could do something to amuse himself though.

Thanks for all the responses, even the harsh ones. It's been v.helpful.

Sounds like a really good compromise, and you've taught him something about negotiating and seeing things from someone else's perspective as well. Good result

Sounds good - lesson learned for everyone i think :) Have a great holiday and if he complains he is bored then he knows what he can do! :o

I give him the lot. It left your pocket. It entered his. If he had done what you thought would happen, you would not have any. He has saved it for another purpose. If you had stayed you could have spent even more.

If you take it back your are profiting from your sons ability to save.

Yes he was presumptuous but broke no pre-agreed rules. Why penalise him for that?