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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to reclaim the cash and not let 12 year old keep it?

59 replies

honeylulu · 31/07/2017 10:29

We have been at a music festival this weekend. It started Friday. It's a cashless festival where you charge up your wristband with cash/bank card and literally everything you buy comes off the band.
Our eldest is 12 and allowed a fair bit of freedom (family friendly festival and some of our friends were there - the older kids like to go off together etc) so we agreed he could have his own funds. This was to cover evening meal from the foodstalls, fairground rides, ice creams, drinks in the arena and any other bits he wanted to buy on a whim. (We did a cooked breakfast and picnic lunch at the campsite.)

Any unspent credit on wristbands can be reclaimed to your bank account afterwards. Last year he had none left!

The first day we agreed to give him £40, then top up £20 Saturday and £20 Sunday to make sure he didn't blow it all in one go! This worked well the previous year when he tended to be a bit profligate. Having thought about it he has got a lot better at saving recently, as he's developed an expensive trainer habit!

So Friday went to plan. Saturday by the afternoon he relayed to me that he still had £27 left. Unfortunately by then our youngest (3) had become quite poorly. Went to see the medics who suspected possible tonsilitis but advised giving her calpol to see if she rallied. I gave son £20 top up as agreed (a bit distracted at this point) but within an hour 3 year old had gone downhill so decided to go home with her. We all left. Husband decided to go back to festival yesterday for last day. Son decided not to go as it was bucketing with rain.

Son now asserts that it is fair just and reasonable that all the reclaimed cash from his wristband should be his. We had never actually discussed this. He also revealed that he had always assumed that to be the case and that he had deliberately underspent on Friday for this reason (saving for new must have item).

So husband thinks HIBU and I should reclaim/keep all the money. It's my call though as it came from my "fun money" funds.

I think he shouldn't be punished for saving/budgeting though I also think he is a bit cheeky and presumptuous when the money was given for a specific purpose. (I was a bit like that myself as a child however so I can relate).

I am considering letting him keep the £27 from the first day but reclaiming the £20 from the second day for myself. This is not least because when we arrived home on Saturday we had a McDonald's and I also took the kids out for a tonsilitis-friendly ice cream sundae yesterday as a treat - all paid for by me so the Saturday top up up should be null and void.

Son says IABU as the money was not given with conditions.

So who is right? Me, H or son?

OP posts:

ladymariner · 31/07/2017 11:31

I think you should let him keep it. You gave him it to spend, end of. Personally I think he's done really well not spending it all on crap at the festival and instead saving it for something he really wants.
You gave him that money, that should be the end of it. Its his money.

notaslimceagirl · 31/07/2017 11:32

I'd let him keep it.

ButchyRestingFace · 31/07/2017 11:32

I am considering letting him keep the £27 from the first day but reclaiming the £20 from the second day for myself.

This sounds extremely fair.

He could have gone on the 2nd day but elected not to due to weather (can't say I blame him).

I do think he sounds a little presumptious but being a good saver is obv something you want to encourage.

MrsExpo · 31/07/2017 11:35

I think I'd let him keep it as you gave it to him to fund the fun at the weekend, but then he had that fun time cut short. Not his fault your little one was ill, so I think i'd say he could keep it as compensation for the cut-short trip. (Be honest ... you would probably have taken them out for ice cream anyway, wouldn't you .... )

Popchyck · 31/07/2017 11:36

Presumably the DS chose not to go on the last day as he was under the impression that he could save the money for trainers instead?

If it was made clear to him that he would forfeit the money then he'd probably have gone to the last day of the festival.

If the OP is quibbling about paying for a McDonalds and an ice cream for him, presumably the 3 year old also gets charged the same amount as he does?

The weekend was ruined. Shame. A stop-off for junk food happened as it was convenient and it meant that the parents didn't have to cook. To revisit that and try to claw back money from a burger from a 12-year old who had his weekend cut short is more than a bit mean.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 31/07/2017 11:38

I'd reclaim it all as he's been devious about it. Deliberately under pending somebody else's money and banking on it being yours to play with afterwards? No thanks, that's crass behaviour and I'd call it.

WaxOnFeckOff · 31/07/2017 11:42

If the OP is quibbling about paying for a McDonalds and an ice cream for him, presumably the 3 year old also gets charged the same amount as he does? Well, I'm presuming that the 3 year old wasn't getting £80 to spend on what they wanted at the festival?

Treating people fairly isn't about treating them the same. presumably when the 12 year old was 3 he got his stuff paid for too.

OP gave her DS the experience of having the choice of what to spend his money on, I've actually come round to the point where he should probably get it all back, but not the 3rd days £20 as he chose not to go. OP says that was because it was raining, not because her DS thought he would be given the extra £20 anyway. That will go back into treat funds for next time presumably.

x2boys · 31/07/2017 11:42

Was it 'Kendal calling'?Misses point of thread entirely.

Blueemeraldagain · 31/07/2017 11:47

He hasn't been devious at all! He told his mum how much he had left before she gave him the Saturday top-up. If not distracted by a sick toddler (hope she is feeling better) the OP may not have given him the £20 as he had so much left.

cornflakegirl · 31/07/2017 11:48

Let him keep it. You saved £20 from the Sunday, and it wasn't his fault the trip was cut short.
I give my 12yo an allowance to cover getting himself to school and lunches. He can choose to cycle and take packed lunches if he wants. He managed to save quite a bit of the allowance this year, which felt a bit weird to me - but it was because he made good choices, which I do want to encourage.

junebirthdaygirl · 31/07/2017 11:49

I think you have to admire him for saving money on sat . Then going home early. Give him the money. Trainers are useful. Better than all the money being spent at a concert as he will have them. When your ds is a teenager its impirtant to let him convince you with good reasoning about things. Let this be the first.

Floggingmolly · 31/07/2017 11:50

Would you really tot up everything he ate (McDonalds, an icecream cone, etc) and deduct it from his £20? How indescribably petty

Cocklodger · 31/07/2017 11:50

Tbh I would let him keep it. Otherwise he will in future just spend the money for the sake of it so he gets the most out of it. Not a good habit to encourage

lb364 · 31/07/2017 11:52

Let him keep it otherwise you're punishing him for being careful with the money...

Or how about you start a separate (assume he already has one) savings account for his 'fun funds' money so he can take it out on your next trip?

Katedotness1963 · 31/07/2017 11:55

I would let him keep it all. It's not his fault the weekend was cut short and you budgeted for him having that money.

rizlett · 31/07/2017 11:56

i'd have a conversation with about what he feels is fair and what you feel is fair - to help him understand the value of negotiating skills and then come to an agreement where all 3 of you are happy.

catkind · 31/07/2017 11:56

I think your suggestion is reasonable - but I wouldn't be all that happy. You took them to festival, credit on the wristband was part of the entertainment provided. It wasn't "DC here's £40 for you." It feels a bit like offering to take your family to the theatre, DC deciding not to go and expecting to sell on their ticket and keep the money. Also presumably if they didn't eat using their credit they'll have been eating more of your food instead. Just not sitting comfortably if that wasn't an arrangement agreed in advance.

rizlett · 31/07/2017 11:56

so - its not that any of you are right but that you agree to the same conclusion.

notsteve · 31/07/2017 12:06

I wouldn't let him keep any of it. You gave him money for a specific purpose, he didn't spend it all, so you get the change. He shouldn't have assumed it was free money for whatever he feels like, especially not without speaking to you. That seems to me like very entitled behaviour.

RobotGoat · 31/07/2017 12:07

i'd have a conversation with about what he feels is fair and what you feel is fair - to help him understand the value of negotiating skills and then come to an agreement where all 3 of you are happy.

This. I'd lean towards the compromise suggested upthread, where he keeps the money he saved and split the difference on the extra £20, but I would be open to letting him keep the lot if he's convincing enough. As a pp said, he may have made his decision not to go on the last day in part because he wanted to save the money. I think all you're doing by reclaiming the money he saved is teaching him he'd better spend his money fast otherwise it'll be gone, which is exactly the opposite of what you want him to learn!

Oysterbabe · 31/07/2017 12:21

I think you should let him keep it all, otherwise you're teaching him when you give him money he has to spend it all or lose it.

WaxOnFeckOff · 31/07/2017 12:21

I think it's hard without knowing what the DSs attitude is.

I have two Dss. If I gave them both £20 to spend on a shopping trip. DS2 would see that as gift money so would either spend it all or spend half and save half. DS1 would spend none of it. That annoys me more tbh and he needs to learn to spend his money rather than squirrelling it all away. There is a happy medium. I feel he needs to learn the joy of treating yourself as well as the satisfaction of saving. I see DS2s behaviour in some ways as being more healthy, especially since he has been more and more saving half of what he has rather than spending it all.

I've been tempted at times to take the unspent money from DS1 which is probably not the right attitude either :)

Lucysky2017 · 31/07/2017 13:17

You need to pat him on the back for saving. It is very commendable.
in future reach agreement. My teenage and sons and I are constantly negotiating (amicably) and it's good for their debating skills (I am a lawyer so I like everything clear and I even had a written contract with one daughter for university that in return for my funding she would take on no debt)

Original poster

honeylulu · 31/07/2017 13:26

Thank you everyone! I am going to discuss with him as a number of you have suggested.
To answer a few questions:
Festival was Standon Calling - it was good (what I saw anyway)
Son does tend to have a fairly entitled attitude BUT he has also got a lot better at saving/planning recently which is why I'm struggling with what is best. He isn't devious about it though. He was upfront about telling me what he had left on day one. However he also moaned that he was bored and didn't have enough to do (because he'd chosen not to spend much of his wristband money!) which we found a bit trying.
Toddler is loads better after starting antibiotics thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

honeylulu · 31/07/2017 13:28

@Lucysky2017 I'm a lawyer too and I'm actually quite impressed by my son's interpretation of the "terms and conditions" of the payment haha!

OP posts:

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