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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ok sorry but I really want to warn her

87 replies

ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 09:28

Username change but long time poster.

I'm not going to give identifying details but say you have the opportunity to transmit a note to someone.. warning them about the situation they are in.

That at best they are living with someone who has cheated on them and is lying to them, and has called them horrible things behind their back.. and at worst they're in danger. They're with an abusive person being investigated for sex offences.

Should I do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 09:53

I don't know how she could be a witness when it happened a long time before she was around Angry I don't know amber.. I have contact with the one doing my case but i would feel silly wasting her time with this. Maybe i can speak to the gp about it this week.

OP posts:
Outlookmainlyfair · 31/07/2017 09:53

I agree with the others. Protect yourself, you will cmyk come across as crazy jealous ex. It is sad, and it would be lovely to save the new partner heartache and misery but it is unlikely that she will listen and it would put you in danger and possibly hamper any case you have against him. Good luck!

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 09:54

ok Sad I understand. Probably once i move away i will be able to let it go. It's just upsetting me a lot how he can get away with it.

OP posts:
SpartacusSaiman · 31/07/2017 09:55

If you do this and it gets gets traced back to you, it will harm the trial.

How can you not think it will. It makes tou look like you are sinpky out for vengence. Speak to the officer in charge. Ask them.

Of course she knows what he is accussed of. She believes he is innocent. And the ex (who she probably believes is lying about the charges) leaving a note in her car isnt going to make her believe otherwise.

wordy17 · 31/07/2017 09:57

I don't think that you should warn her BUT if you're intent on sending her a note, you could maybe indicate that you will be there to help her through it when the inevitable happens. I seem to remember reading about some celebrity in a similar situation to yours, and when she warned her ex's next partner, she made the offer to one day help her. Sure enough, one day the new partner did contact and they were mutual support for each other.

missiondecision · 31/07/2017 09:58

she will show the note to your ex and it will be used as evidence against you. That you are a trouble maker, defence lawyers are ducking brutal. Keep out of their future.
Take comfort in knowing you can rebuild your life.
If there are children ring the nspcc.

x2boys · 31/07/2017 09:59

When my dh was charged with assault the CPS had two witnesses who were only actually witness to what they had been told had happened because they were not actually there which is why.i said she's maybe a witness (No expert of course) but even so she might still go to the police with your letter I just don't think it would go in your favour.

ProphetOfDoom · 31/07/2017 09:59

Leave sweetheart and don't look back.

You've given her a warning. Maybe not an explicit one but you've given it. He was arrested in front of her. The police are involved so she probably does know. If she's in danger the police would inform her. He would have to keep squeaky clean. You went to the police. You've informed the authorities. You have been very brave. And your conscience should be clear.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 31/07/2017 09:59

I know it's really hard but you can't control him or her. You can't make her believe you and you will torture yourself trying.

The one thing you can control is getting yourself away and seeking help and making yourself better and safer, which are all things you are doing and that takes so much strength and courage.

Its very difficult, I know, but please just concentrate on yourself Flowers

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/07/2017 10:00

I'm so very sorry to hear what happened to you.
At present, you are still suffering emotionally, which is very understandable, your mind is working overtime, trying to process it all.
Now isn't the time to be considering this person, you need to concentrate on yourself only.
The police are already aware of your ex partner, and if deemed necessary, will speak to her themselves.
Please take care, your safety is paramount.💐

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 10:01

Ok. It makes me angry though how he can look entirely innocent and get away with doing that, while I get torn apart and have to talk about things i find degrading and embarassing, and it seems like my personal experiences are now open season for his friends and family.. my neighbours.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/07/2017 10:02

chasing

If his girlfriend has kids and he is perceived to be a risk she would have had a specialist worker rock on up to her house and very clearly tell her he is a risk.

This is not something you need to take responsibility for.

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 10:03

Ok thank you for talking sense into me everyone. It's probably because of this awful dream I had, and i'm just so scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 10:03

Better take a diazepam!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/07/2017 10:04

He's not got away with it op, he is being investigated.

You've tried to tell her once, I think it's time to move on. Can you organise counselling? Whilst your feelings are understandable, it's not healthy for you to be so focused on her and him like this and isn't helping you.

I also think it won't help if you try to tell her a second time and be in no doubt, she will know it's you.

WhataHexIgotinto · 31/07/2017 10:09

I'm not sure what you can do that will ensure your own safety too Ghosts. Sad

Many years ago I had a note put through my door about my new boyfriend, telling me how awful he was, that he was a deviant and a woman hater. That he would hurt me. I didn't believe a word of it, I felt sorry for him because he was so utterly lovely. We were together for 3 years, engaged and he treated me so well. Then one day I scratched the car door against the wall of the house by accident and he beat the shit out of me. I left that night and never went back.

I always remember that note, I think I still have it somewhere, but there is nothing she, or anyone else could have said that would have convinced me that this man was anything other than wonderful. I would never have believed them.

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 10:10

I wish women could warn each other and these men were never able to worm their way into someone's life again.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 31/07/2017 10:13

Does she know he is being investigated for the rape and abuse? Or has he covered that up completely?

I was thinking 'anonymous note' when I opened the thread, but I now think you should focus on pursuing the conviction and protecting yourself. The conviction would be the best way of actually showing her how dangerous he is.

puddingpen · 31/07/2017 10:13

Isn't this what Claire's law is for? If you or somebody else goes to the police and requests disclosure then they would contact her if they thought she would be in danger.
See here.
But I'm not sure if that would only be if he had been convicted.

Miserylovescompany2 · 31/07/2017 10:14

OP, you've probably already been painted as the Nut-Job ex - anything you try to say (in whatever format) will only go towards reinforcing this belief.

You've already taken out a non molestation order, you are being proactive in seeking out help and support for your own MH.

Keep all the emphasis on keeping yourself buoyant.

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 10:15

I know she saw him being arrested. I don't know what he's said but from what i've been having off his friends and family then likely that i'm a liar.

I think that's only for convictions which is good but due to the nature of sexual offences they are very hard to secure a conviction for, so not entirely effective.

OP posts:
Aintgotnosoapbox · 31/07/2017 10:18

Hi chasing sorry to see you are suffering with PTSD. If you want to pop over to our journey into anxiety thread in the mental health section you are very welcome :)

Butterymuffin · 31/07/2017 10:18

Sadly then she is probably trying not to face facts about him and is choosing to believe the lies. Look after yourself, and maybe further down the line she'll think again.

Original poster
ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 10:24

Thank you soapbox I'll check it out.

OP posts:
Anatidae · 31/07/2017 10:28

You must NOT harm the chances of getting this through the courts. So no, no notes of warning. Your best chance is seeing this bastard get convicted.

Speak to your police officer or case worker and ask them if there is a mechanism for them letting the new partner know he is under investigation. You have to do this through official channels only.

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