Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Ok sorry but I really want to warn her

87 replies

ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 09:28

Username change but long time poster.

I'm not going to give identifying details but say you have the opportunity to transmit a note to someone.. warning them about the situation they are in.

That at best they are living with someone who has cheated on them and is lying to them, and has called them horrible things behind their back.. and at worst they're in danger. They're with an abusive person being investigated for sex offences.

Should I do it?

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/07/2017 09:37

To be honest if it's your ex's new partner she won't believe you and will just think you are causing shit because you are jealous and if he's a liar he is only going to make you look bad.

I know it's a selfish attitude but in this case, I think you have to be selfish yourself, let her find out what he's like in her own time and just be glad he is out of your life. One womans trash is another womans treasure and all that.

Original poster

ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 09:37

I would put the note where she would receive it. It would make me feel better, and give her the opportunity to protect herself. The only risk i can see is my personal safety but that's unlikely and i have a non molestation order against him.

OP posts:

jessicajaine01 · 31/07/2017 09:37

i would tell them

PovertyJetset · 31/07/2017 09:38

If you have some kind of proof then do it.

CrosswordPuzzle · 31/07/2017 09:38

Illegal because I wrongly assumed you had first hand knowledge of any investigation (you were in the police force or similar) as opposed to being an ex girlfriend who wouldn't have been told about an ongoing investigation.

MrsExpo · 31/07/2017 09:38

How do you know about the investigation? How do you know whether or not she already knows about it? She may well do but is giving him the benefit of any doubt.

If this is a situation you're involved with in a professional way, then no you should not say anything.

The infidelity is none of your business.

Original poster

ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 09:39

I'm the one he raped and abused.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 31/07/2017 09:39

The trouble is, because you're the ex she's likely not to believe you. She's already not believed you once.

I think you need to accept you've done your best and move on. People do stay with people who've done horrible things. Look at Ched Evan's girlfriend.

Original poster

ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 09:40

I'm the one he said horrible things about her too and admitted that he was lying to her. he was proud of it.

OP posts:

lmer · 31/07/2017 09:41

Just because you have order doesn't mean he can't do anything (sorry being blunt but it's a true, a piece of paper won't do anything to stop him just means he gets punished after)
I'd look into counselling for yourself and try move on x

missiondecision · 31/07/2017 09:42

If you have info about someone that is dangerous and you know he/she has been arrested call the local police station, tell them what you know, facts not hear say. Do not contact this person directly, it will come back to haunt you.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 31/07/2017 09:42

Sorry OP, I cross posted before I saw what he had done to you.

I still think stay out of it though, protect yourself, you've been through enough.

Original poster

ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 09:43

I havn't done my best though. This would be my best.

I know that but i don't care anymore. I live in constant fear atm anyway. He does something he gets arrested that's enough for me.

OP posts:

x2boys · 31/07/2017 09:43

I am sure he is all the things you say he his but you are his ex I don't think she will believe you she will probably think you are jealous and trying to split them up

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2017 09:44

Plenty of women stay with men accused of these crimes, because they believe them to be innocent and the accusations fabricated. Plenty of women stay once they are convicted, I don't know why.

Of course it will look like vengeance. I suspect she knows and thinks your lying, I really would try hard to focus on you and not them and move on with your life. I'm sorry about what happened to you.

Have you had any counselling to help you deal with what happened?

Finola1step · 31/07/2017 09:45

In the kindest possible way, focus on yourself and the investigation. You have tried to tell her and she is not listening. Do not do anything that could in any way compromise your chances of a trial and conviction - this is your priority. Hopefully, if he is charged and then convicted, she will then know all she needs to know.

You have done the right thing in going to the police. If you contact her, you could be.putting yourself in danger as well as scuppering the police investigation.

I really understand your need to tell her but you have done your bit - she will find out soon enough.

ProphetOfDoom · 31/07/2017 09:46

How are you going to make them aware?
And how quickly would you be moving afterwards? Within hours?

These are practical considerations. Because THE most important thing is that you stay safe and that it doesn't trail you to your life away from there.

Original poster

ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 09:47

How could it impact on the trial/investigation?

No i'm not getting counselling atm. I've been diagnosed with ptsd i'm geting thrrough on diazepam atm while trying to find medication that doesn't wipe me off my feet.

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 31/07/2017 09:47

And Finola makes a very good point about not harming the chances of getting a conviction.

Original poster

ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 09:48

I was going to put a note on the car but i'm not moving til friday. I could do it on friday or leave a note another way.

I'm having nightmares though. About telling her/not telling her, the consequence of doing so/not doing so

OP posts:

missiondecision · 31/07/2017 09:48

You will look like the jealous ex.
Tell the police investigating his case.

Original poster

ChasingGhosts · 31/07/2017 09:48

I won't do it if it could harm that chance but i'm not sure how it could.

OP posts:

x2boys · 31/07/2017 09:50

It may influence the investigation and trial if she is a witness for his defence and she produces a letter you have written it could look like you were trying to influence her?

ambereeree · 31/07/2017 09:51

Can you speak to a police officer about this?

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 31/07/2017 09:52

He will have already told her that you are crazy and jealous and out to ruin him.

My ex did exactly the same to me and i pity his girlfriend now, who actually emailed me to ask me to stop being crazy and what a wonderful devoted dad my ex is and how much he misses the kids and i should put my mental health issues aside and facilitate a relationship with the kids.

(I read this email while in a women's refuge with terrified children and no belongings to our name as we had to run before he killed my son and i)

These men already paint a picture of 'the ex' and anything you say or do now will only back up the story he has told her sadly.

I would honestly just concentrate on getting away and getting yourself safe. You tried already and she wasn't interested. She will find out everything when it comes to court.

Flip

1 2 3 4