to be annoyed with my Mum
appledumpling · 27/03/2007 17:47
Before DS was born we said no visitors for the first 2 weeks to give DH and me time to adjust and get things vaguely sorted out.
DS was born last week and I had a lovely birth, no problems, no stitches. DS is a little angel and things have been ten times easier than I was expecting so we are more than happy to have people round.
PIL are coming this weekend and, without going into detail, their personal circumstances are such that it is better for them to come sooner rather than later.
We asked Mum/Dad to come after PIL had gone so that we weren't swamped with all the family all at once and so we could spend time with each side of the family. She wasn't happy and rang me today to say that she has arranged to come down this weekend as she can't wait another 10 days. So I now have PIL and my family at the same time (who don't really see eye to eye).
I obviously want Mum to see her grandson but feel that my needs/wants have been trampled on. There is some history here. There were tears this morning on the phone as she said it was only because she cared so much that she had arranged to come down without asking us. DH just thinks she's guilt-tripping me again.
So, am I being unreasonable to want family down in batches and is it unreasonable for Mum to have to wait until DS is 2 weeks old when we originally said no-one for 2 weeks anyway?
ladyoflincoln · 27/03/2007 17:54
my mum was there when both my two children were born, and my mil was also 'on the scene' within 24 hrs!
2 weeks does seem a very long time to wait? but as i don't know your family history/dynamics i can't really say that you are being totally unreasonable..
think about how you will feel when your lovely new ds is an adult and maybe has children - i am sure you will be bursting to meet them!
BizzyDint · 27/03/2007 17:58
do they all live far away from you? or is it that they will have to stay at your house? i can understand your mum being upset that your in laws will meet her grandbaby before she will.
my own situation was that my family all live far away. they all came but stayed in hotels or with other family near by. i then allocated them 'slots' to come and see us. the first time they came i said it was for an hour each, with an hour inbetween each visit. (none of them speak to each other by the way, so the situation was their own doing, not mine.)
3easterbunniesandnomore · 27/03/2007 17:59
Is this their first grandchild?
However, even if not, 2 weeks seems a long time to have to wait.
Saying that, my poor mum had to wait 4 month to meet her last grandson, because we lived in NI at the time, and she had been over a few month before the Birth and couldn't have afforded to come any earlier then x-mas.
Just tell visitors, that they have to help out rather then being waited on, iykwim
Rantum · 27/03/2007 18:07
I don't know anything about your personal circumstances or your relationship with your Mum, so my opinion is only based on a very general understanding of your situation. That said, I do think that it was a bit unfair of your mother to go against a specific request, but I also can understand how a new grandparent could feel desperate to be involved and to meet her new grandchild. It is a really big moment for most grandparents when a new life is born into their family. (I also viewed it as something of a fresh start with my parents - my child's relationship with them does not have to bear any resemblance to my own iykwim)
My own mother was at my house for the first week after ds's birth and I really benefited from all of her help - so if you have to have your Mum (and PIL's) over make sure that they know that they are there to visit the baby and that means that they will be making their own cups of tea etc. Good luck!
MaeWest · 27/03/2007 18:16
It can be really overwhelming with visitors in those first few weeks, but can understand why your mum is so keen to see her grandchild. Remember that you can always use the get out clause that the baby needs feeding/calming down and take them upstairs for some time out if it all gets too much. Congratulations on your new baby btw.
appledumpling · 27/03/2007 18:25
Well, like I say there is history here which would be more suited to the relationship section of MN.
I'm just cross that she didn't have the courtesy to call and clear it with me and DH first - we wouldn't have told her not to come as it's clearly upsetting her.
Yes, she lives away but PIL don't even live in the same country and and were in the UK anyway dealing with a bereavement.
WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2007 18:31
No. Not unreasonable at all.
I would always put the wishes of the new mum ahead of ANYONE who wants to visit etc and I find it hard to believe that your preferences have been trampled on.
Two weeks really isn't that long a time unless you're six years old! It's not like the baby is going anywhere.
It's funny when a baby is born, all the other relatives seem to think about what THEY want, what THEY need and it doesn't seem to occur to them that the woman who has had the child may have different ideas.
I'd tell her she'll just have to wait. But then I'm really strict about boundaries having been trampled on often in the past by people.
wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 27/03/2007 18:32
it's difficult, I think your mum is being slightly unreasonable arranging to come down without speaking to you first, however, imagine how she must be feeling having been told that you've cleared it for ILs to come and visit but still don't want her to? I imagine she's feeling massively rejected right now.
sunnysideup · 27/03/2007 18:51
apple, I think two weeks is a HELL of a long time to wait to meet your grandson
I wouldn't have classed either set of grandparents as 'visitors' to be honest - if I said 'no visitors for two weeks' I would mean friends or acquaintances, not immediate family!
i think seeing your grandchild during their first hours or days of life must be a really special, precious time. I think you may need to be a bit more generous-hearted about it.
Congratulations, btw and well done for such a good birth, you must be a talented giver-birther!
OrmIrian · 27/03/2007 18:59
2 weeks is a loooong time to see a grand child when you live in the same country. As long as when she comes she won't be expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I think my mum would be in tears TBH and she wouldn't be 'guilt-tripping' just disappointed and rejected.
But obviously things aren't that simple - I couldn't wait for my parents to see my 3 - but then there isn't any history between us.
Spidermama · 27/03/2007 19:56
This is very tricky but I always think that the mum's mum has priority in the pecking order when a baby is born and if her daughter doesn't let her come straight away it's a sign of difficulties.
My poor MIL knows her place and always comes after my mum has been. She the mother of three boys so I feel for her because she never gets in first.
I can understand that your mum might feel snubbed tbh.
Congratulations btw. I hope you can sort it all out without any lasting ill feeling.
DeviousDaffodil · 27/03/2007 20:08
I could never have asked my mum to wait 2 weeks.
They were there a minute or two after DS's were born.
My Mum stayed at my house the first week to help and boy was she a big help.
A new baby is a massive thing for all the family.
I think it is a bit precious to tell them to stay away for so long.
anniebear · 27/03/2007 20:13
My Mum would have burst if she had had to wait for 2 weeks!!
I think she saw them when they were 2 hours old
But I suppose it depends on how close you are to your Mum?
I think 2 weeks is unreasonable if you are not close to her
I had twins and my Mum moved in for a week when DH went back to work!!
tortoiseSHELL · 27/03/2007 20:16
spidermama - I agree, I think for a mum when her daughter gives birth it is so special. My parents live 300 miles away, and they were quite upset at not coming for 10 days or so with all of mine. My MIL doesn't travel so it was a few months before she saw them, and they do miss out on those special first few days, when they are so brand new.
Just make sure someone else does the cooking and washing!
booge · 27/03/2007 20:17
Without knowing your family dynamic, yes I do. Would you think your Mother unreasonable if she couldn't fit in seeing you until your baby was 2 weeks old? My Mother was up in arms when I wanted a couple of days to get to know our little ones if I'd asked her to wait 2 weeks she would have gone ballistic. She is always ready to help and she loves and both the dc love her very much, it would be mean spirited to keep her away from them.
Spandex · 27/03/2007 20:19
It's totally up to the parents as and when they want visitors and who they want. Other people have to lump it!
Giving birth for some people is a private affair and they'd rather keep those precious first few hours/days to themselves. That is exactly how it should be.
Grandparents have had their turn when they gave birth to their own children. They should just respect the wishes of the parents. Just because grandparents love the grandchildren doesn't mean they can trample all over the preferences of the parents.
It's not like you give up the right to make your own decisions that are best for you when you have a baby!
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