to be annoyed with my Mum

[appledumpling]

Before DS was born we said no visitors for the first 2 weeks to give DH and me time to adjust and get things vaguely sorted out.

DS was born last week and I had a lovely birth, no problems, no stitches. DS is a little angel and things have been ten times easier than I was expecting so we are more than happy to have people round.

PIL are coming this weekend and, without going into detail, their personal circumstances are such that it is better for them to come sooner rather than later.

We asked Mum/Dad to come after PIL had gone so that we weren't swamped with all the family all at once and so we could spend time with each side of the family. She wasn't happy and rang me today to say that she has arranged to come down this weekend as she can't wait another 10 days. So I now have PIL and my family at the same time (who don't really see eye to eye).

I obviously want Mum to see her grandson but feel that my needs/wants have been trampled on. There is some history here. There were tears this morning on the phone as she said it was only because she cared so much that she had arranged to come down without asking us. DH just thinks she's guilt-tripping me again.

So, am I being unreasonable to want family down in batches and is it unreasonable for Mum to have to wait until DS is 2 weeks old when we originally said no-one for 2 weeks anyway?

apple - not really commenting on how long to wait and all that; but more generally -
I had major family upsets when my dd was born and it really took a lot of the pleasure and 'specialness' out of it.

Whatever you decide - please try not to dwell on it either way. you'll never have these first precious days with your baby back. Don't waste them. and don't waste your time and energy worrying about other stuff

stinky

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You're mum, above everyone, should know how you feel after you've had a baby.

On the other hand your family should put aside any differences of opinion and get along for the sake of the baby.

I can understand your mum being put out that your inlaws will get to see the baby first but as you said, that is only becasue they cant make it another time.

Let them come down, babies have a habit of making everyone behave themselves. It probably wont be as bad as you think.

I have to add that my mum was at the birth of my ds2, and she somes round every day when my dh is at work. i know that some people dont have much support so i consider myself extremely lucky that my parents are so supportive, both emotionally and financially.

I totally sympathise, and to be honest I think it totally depends on the type of relationship you have with your Mum.

My Mum, much as I love her, is a real pain. She is very needy with affection, and spends her entire time being sad about not seeing me and my sister enough - I can only describe it as being suffocating with her love. Her need for my love and approval makes me feel really stifled, and I know how awful that sounds. She can never spend a day with me without saying 'Oh this day is going TOO quickly' several times.

I'm not due until September but I have already said to her that I don't want her to stay with me directly after the birth, I just know I won't be able to bear the overbearing love she will impart on me and new baby. She will want to be doing everything all the time, at a time when I really need to learn to look after my first born and DH is the same.

I'm happy for her to come to the hospital to see new baby after he/she is born, but I really couldn't bear it if she invited herself to stay. She, like your Mum, is very prone to inviting herself without notice.

I am having a rant now, I know... but another example is when I showed her my scan photos of my 12 week scan. Which one is for me? - she said. None of them, I replied, all three of them are mine, they are all different and I want to keep them. She went into another room and cried, saying she 'needed them for her pregnancy album' - I;m the one who is pregnant!

Good luck. I don't think you are being selfish at all. Just do whatever is right for you.

Well, my relationship with my Mum has never been easy - she has serious issues relating to food and weight and health - but that's a side issue really.

The situation happily resolved itself - PIL have more to sort out with the bereavement than expected so aren't coming yet so I get my parents by themselves, Mum gets to see DS and everyone is happy.

It didn't help that my milk was coming in yesterday, I was blooming sore and I had the baby blues. Such is life

glad it's sorting itself out. I just wanted to post to say that although I have always had a very difficult relationship with my own mum, in the area of being a grandmother she is fantastic and I saw a whole new side of her as soon as I had my first. I hope the same happens for you.

I'm totally with appledumpling on this. It's your time with your baby and your wants and needs must be respected above all. It's an overwhelming time and you just don't need the hassle. I hope that you work it all out.

Lock the door and pretend not to be in. You set out your terms before birth and you have every right to stick to them.

Best of luck and congratulations.

Agnes

Two weeks does seem a long time to wait but I didn't see my niece for 10 days after she was born and I think it was better. She'd lost that wrinkly look and looked more like a baby .

I guess if it's GK then you want to see them sooner rather than later but it should be cleared with the parents first. Ok having hordes of visitors around but it's surprisingly tiring entertaining people cooing over the baby. It's not like they'd come and do a load of washing or make the tea for you is it? They want to hold the baby whilst you get on with the chores, feeding all and sundry etc - for some strange reason they think that this is "helping" you .

Tell them they can't come unless they pitch in to help [help].