to be annoyed with my Mum

[appledumpling]

Before DS was born we said no visitors for the first 2 weeks to give DH and me time to adjust and get things vaguely sorted out.

DS was born last week and I had a lovely birth, no problems, no stitches. DS is a little angel and things have been ten times easier than I was expecting so we are more than happy to have people round.

PIL are coming this weekend and, without going into detail, their personal circumstances are such that it is better for them to come sooner rather than later.

We asked Mum/Dad to come after PIL had gone so that we weren't swamped with all the family all at once and so we could spend time with each side of the family. She wasn't happy and rang me today to say that she has arranged to come down this weekend as she can't wait another 10 days. So I now have PIL and my family at the same time (who don't really see eye to eye).

I obviously want Mum to see her grandson but feel that my needs/wants have been trampled on. There is some history here. There were tears this morning on the phone as she said it was only because she cared so much that she had arranged to come down without asking us. DH just thinks she's guilt-tripping me again.

So, am I being unreasonable to want family down in batches and is it unreasonable for Mum to have to wait until DS is 2 weeks old when we originally said no-one for 2 weeks anyway?

[chocolattegirl]

Two weeks does seem a long time to wait but I didn't see my niece for 10 days after she was born and I think it was better. She'd lost that wrinkly look and looked more like a baby .

I guess if it's GK then you want to see them sooner rather than later but it should be cleared with the parents first. Ok having hordes of visitors around but it's surprisingly tiring entertaining people cooing over the baby. It's not like they'd come and do a load of washing or make the tea for you is it? They want to hold the baby whilst you get on with the chores, feeding all and sundry etc - for some strange reason they think that this is "helping" you .

Tell them they can't come unless they pitch in to help [help].

[agnesnitt]

Lock the door and pretend not to be in. You set out your terms before birth and you have every right to stick to them.

Best of luck and congratulations.

Agnes

[marieg76]

I'm totally with appledumpling on this. It's your time with your baby and your wants and needs must be respected above all. It's an overwhelming time and you just don't need the hassle. I hope that you work it all out.

[snipersmum]

glad it's sorting itself out. I just wanted to post to say that although I have always had a very difficult relationship with my own mum, in the area of being a grandmother she is fantastic and I saw a whole new side of her as soon as I had my first. I hope the same happens for you.

[appledumpling]

Well, my relationship with my Mum has never been easy - she has serious issues relating to food and weight and health - but that's a side issue really.

The situation happily resolved itself - PIL have more to sort out with the bereavement than expected so aren't coming yet so I get my parents by themselves, Mum gets to see DS and everyone is happy.

It didn't help that my milk was coming in yesterday, I was blooming sore and I had the baby blues. Such is life

[Holly29]

I totally sympathise, and to be honest I think it totally depends on the type of relationship you have with your Mum.

My Mum, much as I love her, is a real pain. She is very needy with affection, and spends her entire time being sad about not seeing me and my sister enough - I can only describe it as being suffocating with her love. Her need for my love and approval makes me feel really stifled, and I know how awful that sounds. She can never spend a day with me without saying 'Oh this day is going TOO quickly' several times.

I'm not due until September but I have already said to her that I don't want her to stay with me directly after the birth, I just know I won't be able to bear the overbearing love she will impart on me and new baby. She will want to be doing everything all the time, at a time when I really need to learn to look after my first born and DH is the same.

I'm happy for her to come to the hospital to see new baby after he/she is born, but I really couldn't bear it if she invited herself to stay. She, like your Mum, is very prone to inviting herself without notice.

I am having a rant now, I know... but another example is when I showed her my scan photos of my 12 week scan. Which one is for me? - she said. None of them, I replied, all three of them are mine, they are all different and I want to keep them. She went into another room and cried, saying she 'needed them for her pregnancy album' - I;m the one who is pregnant!

Good luck. I don't think you are being selfish at all. Just do whatever is right for you.

[powder28]

I have to add that my mum was at the birth of my ds2, and she somes round every day when my dh is at work. i know that some people dont have much support so i consider myself extremely lucky that my parents are so supportive, both emotionally and financially.

[powder28]

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You're mum, above everyone, should know how you feel after you've had a baby.

On the other hand your family should put aside any differences of opinion and get along for the sake of the baby.

I can understand your mum being put out that your inlaws will get to see the baby first but as you said, that is only becasue they cant make it another time.

Let them come down, babies have a habit of making everyone behave themselves. It probably wont be as bad as you think.

[StinkyPete]

apple - not really commenting on how long to wait and all that; but more generally -
I had major family upsets when my dd was born and it really took a lot of the pleasure and 'specialness' out of it.

Whatever you decide - please try not to dwell on it either way. you'll never have these first precious days with your baby back. Don't waste them. and don't waste your time and energy worrying about other stuff

stinky

[Spandex]

It's totally up to the parents as and when they want visitors and who they want. Other people have to lump it!

Giving birth for some people is a private affair and they'd rather keep those precious first few hours/days to themselves. That is exactly how it should be.

Grandparents have had their turn when they gave birth to their own children. They should just respect the wishes of the parents. Just because grandparents love the grandchildren doesn't mean they can trample all over the preferences of the parents.

It's not like you give up the right to make your own decisions that are best for you when you have a baby!

[booge]

Without knowing your family dynamic, yes I do. Would you think your Mother unreasonable if she couldn't fit in seeing you until your baby was 2 weeks old? My Mother was up in arms when I wanted a couple of days to get to know our little ones if I'd asked her to wait 2 weeks she would have gone ballistic. She is always ready to help and she loves and both the dc love her very much, it would be mean spirited to keep her away from them.

[tortoiseSHELL]

spidermama - I agree, I think for a mum when her daughter gives birth it is so special. My parents live 300 miles away, and they were quite upset at not coming for 10 days or so with all of mine. My MIL doesn't travel so it was a few months before she saw them, and they do miss out on those special first few days, when they are so brand new.

Just make sure someone else does the cooking and washing!

[anniebear]

sorry, meant 2 weeks is unreasonable if you ARE close to her

[anniebear]

My Mum would have burst if she had had to wait for 2 weeks!!

I think she saw them when they were 2 hours old

But I suppose it depends on how close you are to your Mum?

I think 2 weeks is unreasonable if you are not close to her

I had twins and my Mum moved in for a week when DH went back to work!!

[Blossomhill]

Agree with others. Both my parents and dh's mum was there on the day I gave birth.
It is such an exciting time I think it's unfair to make people wait.

[DeviousDaffodil]

I could never have asked my mum to wait 2 weeks.
They were there a minute or two after DS's were born.
My Mum stayed at my house the first week to help and boy was she a big help.
A new baby is a massive thing for all the family.
I think it is a bit precious to tell them to stay away for so long.

[pansypants]

its up to you how you arrange visitors....sometimes what yuo do in th early days represetns how things will go in future,

[Spidermama]

This is very tricky but I always think that the mum's mum has priority in the pecking order when a baby is born and if her daughter doesn't let her come straight away it's a sign of difficulties.

My poor MIL knows her place and always comes after my mum has been. She the mother of three boys so I feel for her because she never gets in first.

I can understand that your mum might feel snubbed tbh.

Congratulations btw. I hope you can sort it all out without any lasting ill feeling.

[Summerfruit]

Message withdrawn

[unknownrebelbang]

Three weeks?

Really?

[Summerfruit]

Message withdrawn

[OrmIrian]

2 weeks is a loooong time to see a grand child when you live in the same country. As long as when she comes she won't be expecting to be waited on hand and foot. I think my mum would be in tears TBH and she wouldn't be 'guilt-tripping' just disappointed and rejected.

But obviously things aren't that simple - I couldn't wait for my parents to see my 3 - but then there isn't any history between us.

[sunnysideup]

apple, I think two weeks is a HELL of a long time to wait to meet your grandson

I wouldn't have classed either set of grandparents as 'visitors' to be honest - if I said 'no visitors for two weeks' I would mean friends or acquaintances, not immediate family!

i think seeing your grandchild during their first hours or days of life must be a really special, precious time. I think you may need to be a bit more generous-hearted about it.

Congratulations, btw and well done for such a good birth, you must be a talented giver-birther!

[wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe]

it's difficult, I think your mum is being slightly unreasonable arranging to come down without speaking to you first, however, imagine how she must be feeling having been told that you've cleared it for ILs to come and visit but still don't want her to? I imagine she's feeling massively rejected right now.

[WinkyWinkola]

No. Not unreasonable at all.

I would always put the wishes of the new mum ahead of ANYONE who wants to visit etc and I find it hard to believe that your preferences have been trampled on.

Two weeks really isn't that long a time unless you're six years old! It's not like the baby is going anywhere.

It's funny when a baby is born, all the other relatives seem to think about what THEY want, what THEY need and it doesn't seem to occur to them that the woman who has had the child may have different ideas.

I'd tell her she'll just have to wait. But then I'm really strict about boundaries having been trampled on often in the past by people.