AIBU to be annoyed that friends haven't seen my baby

[mintich]

I had a baby 2 months ago and only one of my friends has actually come to see my baby.
In fact only 3 friends sent a card. My partners friends all sent cards and presents. Some friends have barely contacted me and others have arranged dates to see me but then they cancel.
I realise that even though it's a big event for me, it isn't for anyone else. But some acknowledgement other than a text would be nice! Would you be annoyed?

I had one friend that visited me when I had my daughter. That one friend is still in my life and my oldest 'kid' is 38.

My other friend; the dad, has always been there.

I made/make my other friends through other social/work events. We tend to have things in common.

I have no doubt you will make new baby related friends. Take care OP. X

I'm going to be the contrary voice here. I've found it to be fairly common - and indeed I've done it myself - to send congratulations via a card, but then to leave the new family alone until invited to come over. In fact, I have had friends complain about visitors, as they wanted time and space to bond and be a family - as well as the fact they don't want to be tidying, making tea and entertaining. So maybe there's less need to worry than you think?

Interesting so many comments saying that when you have a baby a lot of your childfree or childless friends will be the ones that disappear. I've found actually the opposite and that it's those who have the babies who disappear. Because they are on maternity they're around a lot in the daytime, so they meet up with other mums. They make new friends who have a new baby in common and it's those former friends without children who are jettisoned.

I'm with YorksMa - I love meeting the new babies but definitely wait until invited. Or feel it out after a few months, to see if they are up for visitors, especially if we are not super close.
I thought it was polite and that often it's stressful and busy with a little one and visitors are not always welcome!
It's hard to even call my friends with little kids - I have been playing phone tag with one pal for three days now cause everytime we try the baby wakes up or something and she's off again!
Maybe you could invite your friends round to meet the baby, in case they are holding off to wait until you have settled into the new life/lack of sleep etc.

I am probably just a cold hearted cow but I just don't like other people's babies, there is nothing worse for me than inviting me to hold a newborn, it's my idea of hell. I too would put off visiting for as long as I could. I'm sorry you feel let down op but just thought I'd share my perspective.

When you have a baby, some friendships change. Some even end. It's the most bizarre thing from our point of view as we've just had our amazing LO but it's not our job to understand their point of view, it's our job to accept the fact that this does happen. After one of my friends didn't visit to meet my DD (or even send a card) I deleted his number. After a year the penny finally dropped: we aren't friends any more. When a 'friend' can't be arsed to welcome your baby into their lives, they aren't your real friend as far as I'm concerned. On the flip side you'll probably make new friends more associated with parenthood. Swings and roundabouts. Yeah, it hurts. But- fuck em. Your real friends will visit and adapt to you being a mum. Congratulations on your baby

Have you invited them?

"Hi ladies, i'd love it if we could have a catch up! Are you free on Saturday [x] or Saturday [x] for lunch at mine? I'll put on some food and wine, looking forward to seeing you!!"

Also... London, Essex..... Your friends probably think the friendship is based in London and going out to Essex hasn't really occurred to them.

I think yabu. They have gotten in touch to say congratulations and will reply if you text them. I have 2 smallish kids. I hate going to meet other people's babies. I am a parent so I don't enjoy sitting around talking about all things baby related. If I can get out of it at all I will. I have a friend for years and she has a 10 month old who I've met once. Another friend with an 18 month old who I've met once. She has a new baby who is now 3 months old who I've never met. Between working and my own life I don't have a huge amount of time to go visiting. It's an effort to meet up. You are off so have more time so if you want to meet them you should travel.

Also just to say when I was pregnant I didn't really go on nights out. And when my friends were pregant they didn't come on big nights out. If you want to get drunk what's the fun for the pregnant person. Sorry if im being harsh but that's the way I feel.

IDo That's fine. As long as it swings both ways and you make some effort with your friends and don't just expect them always to come and see you, that you will occasionally go out to see them.

It's only been to months.

To? Two.

Shatners I've taken DD everywhere I can (I've declined the 'offer' of driving to London to bring DD to see various relatives...) locally and messaged friends as normal, even when sleep deprived for 4 months of 2 hourly feeds. If some people want to pull away, you can't stop them. And being upset about it just hurt me, so I stopped

They can't be very good friends. I don't have kids but couldn't wait to see my friends babies and went as soon as I was invited.

I'm at the end of a long process of realising this has happened to me. I'm the first of my lot to have a baby and it's been a long hard 18 months of self discovery and realising who my true friends really are (plus making some new ones)

I have three good friends, all have had fertility problems. Two of the three haven't let this colour their interactions with me, the other; my "best friend" (we were thick as thieves) has turned into a right bitch. Whilst I know she's hurting in her own way, my god she's hurt me a lot too.

I don't expect others to take a deep interest in my baby nor visit regularly but for me the clincher is how "normal" the interactions with our friends are. If your in-jokes and banter remain as they were pre baby then the chances are there's a chance of survival.

If you're kind of getting phased out then time to get in about the local mums and make some new connections.

YANBU per se OP but the problem is that folk who don't have babies (and have no interest in them) and love the cut and thrust of the corporate city party time lifestyle have neither the time nor the inclination to visit you and the little one. And it hurts but it's true.

Don't do what I did and waste 18 months on trying to give CPR to a flatlined relationship. Let them come to you and jut carry on making new chums with more in common local to you.

OP, listen to TheLegend - they are wise indeed

You're brave posting this in AIBU
I remember I posted a similar thread when my dc were younger and got absolutely flamed for expecting my friends to come over to my house once in a while
But I totally understand and I think you find out who your true friends are when you have a big life change such as having a baby.
Fwiw I have made loads of lovely friends since having DC, some with and some without children and realised that I'm probably better off without some of the old friends.
Congratulations on your new baby btw

I understand that it's upsetting to feel like friends don't care but it really annoys me when the terms "true" or "real" friends are thrown around when changes in circumstance mean you don't see each other anymore. That's the reason, the change in circumstance, not the fact that they're not true or real. For a time in your life they were there, you had fun because you all wanted to do the same things. You were there for each other because you could sympathise and advise. Now something has changed it takes a while to rejig things and work out how you all fit together (or not). I had best friends when I was 7, 14, 21, I probably don't speak to any of them anymore. I don't call them crap friends - they were there at that time, life happened and we drifted apart. That's ok. If I tried to see every friend I'd known in the last 5 years I certainly wouldn't have a weekend free all year! Some will stay with you, some will go, and you'll make new friends.

Try not to take any of it personally OP and enjoy your new baby and the new opportunities and friendships they will bring.

I think these people aren't your friends they are at most drinking buddies

Like when they went out for cocktails they may have had a plan for a night of drinking and dancing planned and if that's the dynamic of that night having a pregnant person there who is not drinking and will probably leave early would have changed the dynamic

I have been on many a night out with heavily pregnant friends. They are usually the wildest ones in the club. You know you can go dancing and for cocktails and generally out for a night out and not drink alcohol.

We lost all our friends pretty much over night when we had our dd. These were people we had been friends with for 20 years.

After the initial shock of getting dumped by so many people all at once we went out and met new friends. Met 2 couples we were friends with (our dc were the same age) for about 4 years then they both went abroad because of work. Friends come and go in your life and whilst it is nice to have a group of friends I now look at it as people are friends right now but in the future who knows where we will be.

There we some wise words in there. I think the problem is a) Greater London; b) it's too soon for the odd friend and c) you are now at different phases of your life. We have had a very similar experience. To be honest getting anywhere in London takes 1.5 hours each way, just to have a half hour quasi-conversation with you is probably not worth coming out for..your friends probably don't even know how to talk about baby anyway. Personally I don't visit friends with newborns until after a few months anyway when things have settled down. I think as a new mum the transition to the new life is a difficult pill to swallow. There is an expectation that things can remain the same, but in reality life is very different. Of course I still get upset 6 years after the premature birth of my first that certain people don't make the effort to keep in touch. (Or they have suggested a inappropriate events that don't suit us and
a our kids). Particularly when we have Uber demanding kids and house and no family at all to help. I also find it hard to make true mum friends as well as I feel I can't trust anyone any more. But what keeps me going is that I am busy and I don't have time for the friends either if I am honest. If I were in your shoes I would just make the most of the newborn phase - catch up on things in Netflix, sleep when you can, get out when you can and don't put yourself under Any pressure. Relish in the freedom and hopefully sunshine :)

I don't think two months seems very long. The visit will need 4+ clear hours counting travel time. I would always assume first couple of weeks are for adjustment/family visits so actually that's about 6 weekends/12 possible visit days, or less for any of them who have been on holiday. A couple of arrangements have been made and cancelled already so yes that could easily be 2 months. It takes me that long to see further away friends even when we can all travel freely.

I'd have been annoyed about the cocktails night thing too though. I think it's more about the tone that sets than 2 months being ages.

Congratulations OP!

Is your place easy to get to? Do they have cars etc?

When I visit a newborn I try not to stay more than 45 minutes so I'm not disrupting a new family's schedule. If a friend is more than an hour away I might wait until they are older or for a specific event (christening etc) just so I'm not commuting for hours for a short visit.

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. It's a difficult time and I hope you have other supports

X

Yeah I'm easy to get to, just of the motorway and am on the TfL rail line. Perhaps you are right and 2 months isn't actually that long. I'll try again with some specific suggestions for meeting up and then I'll know whether I should give up or not!
Luckily my new mum friends here are lovely!

Quite honestly, the performance that some mums seem to make about having visitors after a birth, I'm surprised that anybody bothers

I agree. I used to make a huge effort to visit within the first month or so. Then I started reading threads on here about how many people don't want visitors or feel uncomfortably pressured by them. Now I wait to be asked.

OP, why not send out a text saying, "We're starting to find our feet now and would love to welcome some visitors when you have a spare half hour".

2 months isn't long at all.

Near a motorway/on a rail line does not equal convenient! It'd take over two hours each way to get to anywhere in essex from many areas of outer London. You say your friends didn't visit your home before this.

Age and "life stage" can be factors IMO. If your friends are young and none have DC it's less surprising if they're not keen to visit, although if they are good friends they should really do so at some point!

Your baby is the most important thing to you but them it's just a baby.

I have children but unless it's one particular friend I will only be visiting because I have too. I have really pretty much no interest in other people's babies they don't do anything so it's not like we can have a play date. Obviously I buys presents/cards text congrats but I don't have the time for lots of visits to go see newborns and when we do have free time it's just not high on my priority list.