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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that friends haven't seen my baby

57 replies

mintich · 30/07/2017 19:45

I had a baby 2 months ago and only one of my friends has actually come to see my baby.
In fact only 3 friends sent a card. My partners friends all sent cards and presents. Some friends have barely contacted me and others have arranged dates to see me but then they cancel.
I realise that even though it's a big event for me, it isn't for anyone else. But some acknowledgement other than a text would be nice! Would you be annoyed?

OP posts:
Supersoaryflappypigeon · 30/07/2017 19:48

I'd be hurt rather than annoyed. I've seen one of my "best" friends 3 times since I had DD 16 months ago. She has no children and a high flying career that involves a lot of socialising with colleagues. Our lives are different now. It's sad, but I've learnt that a lot of friendships only last when your circumstances are similar.

Mammylamb · 30/07/2017 19:52

My friends came to see us, but many of my husbands didn't. I think the thing is that you are off work and have more time to see folk (and having a baby is the centre of your universe right now). But your friends rill have you at the back of their minds while getting on with their own lives. Get out to baby groups and classses and make some new ones xx

emilybrontescorset · 30/07/2017 19:56

Do they live nearby?
It does seem strange.

Ikabod · 30/07/2017 19:56

Your "friends" should realise it's a very big thing for you - it could hardly get bigger than becoming a mum! I think it's fair enough for you to feel annoyed. I think you should relegate them from "friends" to "acquaintances" and meet some nice new people who also have young babies.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/07/2017 20:10

That is very hurtful. Unless they live far away. Always visited friends with babies after giving them a while to adjust.
Start looming for mom friends

Original poster
mintich · 30/07/2017 20:18

I've made lots of new friends through groups, NCT etc so I'm not lonely. It's just a bit crap that hardly anyone out of my long time friends has made the effort.
I live in Essex and a few friends live in London and others around an hour away from my hometown. The London ones have always been the sort to only want to meet in London. But as I've always travelled in, you'd think they would come out here once.
I should have known as when I was pregnant they sent me a pic of them out in London (in the day) drinking cocktails saying wish you were here. They hadn't bothered to invite me clearly as I wouldn't be able to drink. I could have come for a couple of hours and had a soft drink!!!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/07/2017 20:21

Kindly OP but they have texted you, haven't they? You've said so in your post. They have acknowledged your new baby even if they haven't been to see her yet.

Quite honestly, the performance that some mums seem to make about having visitors after a birth, I'm surprised that anybody bothers. Perhaps they're giving you some space? Have you asked for them to visit you? I'm sure they would.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/07/2017 20:21

What are their circumstances? Do they have children? As Superpigeon said, friendships often only last where people are in similar situation.

KeiraH · 30/07/2017 20:25

First congratulations Flowers

It's so common, I ve lost pretty much all of my friends as soon as I got married and had a baby. To be honest I am not even bothered now, just shows they weren't friends for life anyway. Just someone I was close to at that stage of my life.

The one that hurt though was my brother. He hasn't as much as send a text when my daughter was born. So I thought I am not going to text him first, I d see how long it would take him to text me. I am still waiting 10 months later. Can't force someone to care.

luckylucky24 · 30/07/2017 20:27

Maybe they are drifting away. My two oldest friends started drifting when I got married. They have never asked about my DD (been with us for almost a year) or seen her.

SweetheartTreacleTart · 30/07/2017 20:32

They don't sound like good friends at all. You are not being unreasonable. Get rid of them.

FoxtrotUniformCharlieKilo · 30/07/2017 20:38

My DS is almost 1, and most of my what I would call 'long time' friends didn't bother coming to visit when he was born and still haven't now. No cards or presents either.

I get that not everyone likes babies/kids or that they have busy lives etc but I'm still a bit Hmm about it now.

Original poster
mintich · 30/07/2017 20:42

Yes they have text but only in reply to my text when I gave birth. They'd have to be pretty heartless not to reply. But since then, they really only text if I do so first. Some dates have been arranged but always get cancelled.

OP posts:
FoxtrotUniformCharlieKilo · 30/07/2017 20:43

Also had similar experience as Kiera in that SIL doesn't bother with us anymore even though she has kids herself and we made the effort to visit weekly until I was heavily pregnant and unwell towards the end. And FIL made absolutely no effort either unless DP taxied him to and from our house when he lives a 10 min bus ride away.

clumsyduck · 30/07/2017 20:45

Id be hurt too. I had my ds a lot younger than my friends had dc . They were all amazing ( my close friends ) the "partying" friends soon drift off but fair enough . Now there all having babies and I'm at a different stage as ds a bit older but I honestly can't wait to get round and see my friends / meet the new addition , not because I have to but because I want to ! I'm excited and happy for them because there my friends !

Beebee7 · 30/07/2017 20:49

Yep when you have a baby/babies, you sure find out who your friends are. And some child free ones will either deliberately avoid you because they can't be arsed, or because they aren't keen on babies/children, or they will do it unintentionally. Sadly, once you have a baby, many friends (without children,) will drift away, for one reason or another.

Try not to let it get to you, make a bit of effort yourself (with them,) but not too much, and maybe try and make some new friends (who are mothers too.) Smile

All the best. You'll be OK.

furryelephant · 30/07/2017 20:51

Only 1 of my "friends" has met my DD. The rest of them barely bother to text Sadd

waitforitfdear · 30/07/2017 20:51

Love move on.

You have and those friends who want to move on with you will. Others will be bored rigid by your parent hood

Those who don't won't.

You need to make new friends who are In the same stage of life as you are now.

This will change again and again

That's life

scoobydooagain · 30/07/2017 20:59

Can you arrange to meet without the baby, or is it too soon? I much prefer meeting up with friends without the children in tow. Does sound as though you are at different stages of life, but just because you have a child it does not need to define you.If I am out with a group and some are going on about their children, I will move away from that conversation. I have children, work with children, I don't want my social live to be about children.

melj1213 · 30/07/2017 21:26

TBH you seem to be being a bit U but only because you are expecting your friends to change their behaviour just because you've had a baby. It seems like you are at a different stage from your friends and that is often a difficult transition. Even before the baby your London friends have made no effort to come and visit you, so why would their behaviour change now? You know they are London-centric people and have accommodated that in the past, so whilst it would be nice if they made the effort to come out and visit, they aren't changing anything by not changing their behaviour.

Like when they went out for cocktails they may have had a plan for a night of drinking and dancing planned and if that's the dynamic of that night having a pregnant person there who is not drinking and will probably leave early would have changed the dynamic and it does change the tone of the night ... but rather than totally exclude you (as if you had found out they got together without you and they hadn't said anything you'd have been just as hurt) they tried to let you know they wished you could join them for that night. Or it could have been they had all just planned it last minute and knew you'd not be able to make it but wanted to include you anyway.

You have had a baby and that has changed your life completely, but their lives are exactly the same - they still have work and life commitments and depending on their schedule they may just not have time to come and visit you, just like always. One of my friends lives an hour away on a direct train but I still only see her a few times a year because we both have so little free time (that isn't taken up with grocery shopping/running errands or even just sitting on the sofa to drink a cup of tea uninterrupted for ten minutes) to get together properly without the kids so we can have dinner and get drunk, not have tea while watching the kids at a playcentre Because even if I do have an afternoon free, there's no guarantee she is unless it's planned weeks in advance (which may need to be cancelled if unavoidable life things crop up) because of the travelling and arranging required.

NotTheCoolMum · 30/07/2017 21:29

Friendships change when life stages change.

When LO is older e.g. 6 months you could take yourselves to London for a day out and have a nice lunch to meet all your old friends. Box ticked. Then carry on texting!

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 30/07/2017 21:45

YANBU it's crap when suddenly friendships change and you feel like you have very little connection to your old life. But, it'll stop bothering you after a while because the friends who are genuine will be there and the fake ones won't. It's hard at first but in the long run it's for the best.

Obviously this doesn't happen to everyone, but I'm yet to meet a mum irl that it hasn't happened to. Keep texting, make arrangements, but don't invest too much in these relationships where you take it to heart if they cancel.

Newtothis2017 · 30/07/2017 21:45

I would be very hurt. People can be thoughtless and selfish. At least you have made some new friends💐

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 30/07/2017 21:54

Yabu.

They've acknowledged your baby, you've gotten some cards and others have contacted you although I'm not sure what 'barely' means. For them its probably enough, for you its not.

Babies are boring and there is no way people would be travelling an hour to see one unless you were really close family etc.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 30/07/2017 22:22

Expecting them to travel an hour when you're the one not at work is very likely putting them off. When you don't have children you quickly get very bored of pregnancy chat, baby chat etc. Even when you do, most still aren't that interested.

They text, some sent cards etc so it's not like they had no contact.

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