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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD stay with new baby on a buy or go home to be with dh and 12/14 ds's

89 replies

Cuckingfunt1981 · 30/07/2017 13:29

my friend gave birth and upon dd arrival it was discovered she had a heart condition and needed to be on scbu. My friend dd mam would stay during the day with new daughter but then on a night at 6pm would leave new baby to go home with her dh and their two sons age 12 and 14 . She said she felt her sons and dh needed her more and she needed full nights sleep so she would be strong enough to look after baby . The heart condition is not a serious one and can be fixed butvshe is still requiring specialist care on the scbu. I have 4 dcs and my 3rd baby was seriously ill with sepsis when she was born and I never left her crib . It just doesn't sit right with me that she can go home and leave her dd on scbu . She had been posting pics on fb of her and her dh and sons out for meals of an evening , she herself taking wine selfies with captions "iv earned this after 9months" AIBU for judging her and thinking wtf ? Or is it the normal thing for some mams to go home when baby on scbu ??? Iv never known a man ever to leave baby in scbu and go home especially when baby is so new ? Maybe I shud just stop over thinking this and mind my own business it's just she seems to be having a blast of an evening going out and enjoying herself whilst dd is in hospital . Last night she was at the pictures , the night before in the city having a meal with wine and cocktails ?? AIBU and shud I put my judgy pants back in the wardrobe ?

OP posts:

katycb · 30/07/2017 14:08

YABVVU You can be in SCBU for months (some of us have been) you would go stir crazy if you were in hospital 24/7 for that long! I was told by a SCBU nurse that this is the time you will have the most qualified baby sitters ever so make the most of it -If anything happens they can ring you and obviously if baby was really poorly then that is different - on of our SCBU friends moved house when her twins were in!!! PArents need to look after themselves and in some cases other children in order to give their all to their new babies!

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 30/07/2017 14:08

What were you expecting from this thread?

That everyone would agree with you?

That everyone would pile on and insult this woman and her choices?

What is the purpose?

brasty · 30/07/2017 14:11

When I was visiting daily seriously ill relatives in hospital, I too ate out. Way easier than going home and cooking for everyone. And I probably had a drink of wine as well.

LIZS · 30/07/2017 14:13

Are you really her friend? she needs and deserves a break while her baby is in good hands. Why are you not judging her dh similarly?

gamerwidow · 30/07/2017 14:14

This poor woman is probably worried sick about her baby but trying to maintain a sense of normality for her other children.
If she stayed by the hospital bed night and day not only would she run herself ragged when she's supposed to be recovering from the birth she also risks worrying her other children and fostering resentment of the new baby when it can come home.
Any sort of friend would be round there seeing what they can do to help not bitching behind her back.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 30/07/2017 14:14

With friends like you, who needs enemies?

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 30/07/2017 14:14

Oh and it'll definitely get deleted because OP will throw a hissy fit about privacy. These threads should stay though because they show people for what they are.

TinselTwins · 30/07/2017 14:15

When I was visiting daily seriously ill relatives in hospital, I too ate out. Way easier than going home and cooking for everyone. And I probably had a drink of wine as well

Me too!
Luckily I had decent friends so there were lots of one-pot and microwave meals being delivered for us, but at times even that was too much effort so we ate out, and if there's ever a time when you might need a glass of wine that's going to be it right?

I bet in her heart she'ld rather be not drinking, and at home doing a night feed, but she can't and if she wants to put on a brave face about this plan B then what of it?

WatchingFromTheWings · 30/07/2017 14:24

You're no friend. YABVU. Her other kids need her too.

SpareASquare · 30/07/2017 14:24

You're no friend so stop pretending you are.

What the fuck is wrong with you that you would begrudge her spending time with her husband and children after being with her baby all day? Baby is safe and being well cared for, her sons are spending time with their mother and I imagine the 'normalcy' of spending time together is a Godsend right now.

Are you spending as much energy on bagging the father for not taking over at the hospital when she leaves?

SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 30/07/2017 14:24

My DD was born with a serious heart condition and was in the SCBU for a month. Once I was discharged, I spent a week rooming in at the hospital but started feeling seriously crackers so moved back home. It's a punishing routine, being an a parent of a baby in the NICU or SCBU. Being able to go home at night saved my sanity, and I didn't even have other children to take care of. So yes, YABU and mind your own sodding business.

MargaretTwatyer · 30/07/2017 14:28

It's the summer holidays. If your DH has to go back to work (y'know, so you have a house for the baby to go home to) other children need care. I was in this position last year. Fortunately we were discharged with one day to go before I would have left them.

You should count yourself lucky you had support to enable you to stay 24/7 and sympathise with those who don't rather than judging them.

Boysnme · 30/07/2017 14:34

I think you should remove her as a friend on FB and leave her to get on with her life.

It's none of your business what she does and if scbu is the same as when we were there she may have had no option but to go home. It's draining going back and forward and also dealing with other family at home so let her cope however she wants to and butt out.

EmmaJR1 · 30/07/2017 14:34

When my DS was born he was put on to SCBU and the hospital admitted me so I'd have a bed and wouldn't have to leave. I didn't leave the hospital until my DS did (albeit only 7 days) my DH only went home for 3 nights out of 7 too so it can be accommodated depending on the hospital. However we have no other children so maybe it's easier?

I definitely wouldn't have been getting pissed if I had gone home especially if I had other children who needed looking after and maybe some support in understanding that their new sibling was poorly...

So I think you're allowed to raise an eyebrow but just unfollow her and don't see her stuff...

MsPassepartout · 30/07/2017 14:36

DS1 was premature and in SCBU for a few weeks after he was born. The SCBU had one bed for parents, which was reserved for parents whose baby was about to be discharged (very ill babies were usually transferred to a larger regional hospital).

I went home at night to sleep, as did all the other parents. Not a single crib had a parent next to it 100% of the time when I was in there sitting by DS1's crib. Not one of them. And us wearing ourselves out wouldn't have helped us or our babies.

How would wearing myself out sitting in an uncomfortable chair and not getting any sleep or proper food for weeks have helped DS1? How would that have helped me prepare for bringing him home?
And yes, we even ate out a few times too. Mainly because stopping at a restaurant seemed quicker and easier than going to the supermarket and cooking after we'd spent most of the day in SCBU.

And as for her older children - why shouldn't she spend some time with them, trying to keep things normal for them? Even if they are 12 and 14, the situation is presumably still worrying for them, and they're not so old that they don't need their mum at least occasionally.

brasty · 30/07/2017 14:39

Emma You had no other kids and it was only for a week, of course that makes a difference.
Many parents can not both have time off work for months, and many have other kids that still need take care off.

brasty · 30/07/2017 14:40

Also when did having a glass of wine and a cocktail equate to getting pissed? People are making things up on this thread.

Sirzy · 30/07/2017 14:40

emma you where also lucky that the ward was quiet enough they could have you admitted when no medical need (?) very few have the capacity for that.

Groupie123 · 30/07/2017 14:44

Sounds like OP had an easier time of it as no other kids. It's horrible having other kids and a baby in nicu- tough choices need to be made. Also OP you don't sound like much of a friend - she's better off without you

LeakyLittleBoat · 30/07/2017 14:48

Your friend, OP? Are you sure 'friend' is the word you wanted to use? This is a very one-sided friendship if that's the case because you don't sound like much of a friend to her. Yep, with friends like you and all that..

Allthebestnamesareused · 30/07/2017 14:48

Why is your anger directed at the mother? Why are you not concerned that the baby's father isn't staying overnight?

She is with the baby all day. She goes home to spend time with her family in the evening and unwinds after the stresses of caring for her sick child in the day, gets some decent sleep in her own bed etc and this enables her to face the next day caring for her child all over again.

No doubt the hospital would contact the baby's mother OR FATHER if there was an issue that required them to go back into the hospital overnight.

LotisBlue · 30/07/2017 14:48

She probably isn't allowed to stay, there's a shortage of hospital beds and once she is discharged from postnatal she will have to go home. Being away from your baby is horrible and she's probably trying to make the best of it, and put on a brave face for her older kids.

restingbf · 30/07/2017 14:49

Your a horrible friend, take those judgy pants off and burn them.

MsPassepartout · 30/07/2017 14:51

emma you where also lucky that the ward was quiet enough they could have you admitted when no medical need (?)

Agree. I was in the postnatal ward for a week after DS3 was born and from conversations with the staff, they were clearly eager to get rid of us before that.
And there was a medical need for us to be in that long.

Whosthemummynow · 30/07/2017 14:58

Funny how you're not posting about the dad being at home and going out for dinner.

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