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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD stay with new baby on a buy or go home to be with dh and 12/14 ds's

89 replies

Cuckingfunt1981 · 30/07/2017 13:29

my friend gave birth and upon dd arrival it was discovered she had a heart condition and needed to be on scbu. My friend dd mam would stay during the day with new daughter but then on a night at 6pm would leave new baby to go home with her dh and their two sons age 12 and 14 . She said she felt her sons and dh needed her more and she needed full nights sleep so she would be strong enough to look after baby . The heart condition is not a serious one and can be fixed butvshe is still requiring specialist care on the scbu. I have 4 dcs and my 3rd baby was seriously ill with sepsis when she was born and I never left her crib . It just doesn't sit right with me that she can go home and leave her dd on scbu . She had been posting pics on fb of her and her dh and sons out for meals of an evening , she herself taking wine selfies with captions "iv earned this after 9months" AIBU for judging her and thinking wtf ? Or is it the normal thing for some mams to go home when baby on scbu ??? Iv never known a man ever to leave baby in scbu and go home especially when baby is so new ? Maybe I shud just stop over thinking this and mind my own business it's just she seems to be having a blast of an evening going out and enjoying herself whilst dd is in hospital . Last night she was at the pictures , the night before in the city having a meal with wine and cocktails ?? AIBU and shud I put my judgy pants back in the wardrobe ?

OP posts:

00100001 · 30/07/2017 13:42

What do you mean by "going out and getting pissed"?

A drink of wine is hardly getting pissed

Original poster

Cuckingfunt1981 · 30/07/2017 13:43

Iv just seen the pissed post as she updated this morning and I hadn't been on fb till before . Says she has a bad head but worth it after 9months off the sauce (exact words she wrote on dh)

Yes she had a bed but said it was horrible .

OP posts:

MelinaMercury · 30/07/2017 13:44

YABU.

There aren't the resources at most hospitals to accommodate new mums with their babies in these situations unfortunately and they are asked to leave at some point.

That said, I wouldn't be "getting pissed" as I'd want to get to hospital asap in the mornings without a hangover but there's a difference between relaxing with a few glasses of wine and going clubbing!

I think you'll find she's just keeping herself busy with her family at home to avoid stressing and worrying about her DD who she can't really do anything for out of hours plus she may want to provide some sort of normality for her other children, they are here too regardless of their age. It can be hard on everyone.

BaldricksTrousers · 30/07/2017 13:44

Give her a break.

This is the only time when she will have a good chunk of time to spend with her other kids, trying to cope with the stress and getting some semblance of enjoyment. Things haven't gone as she planned. She needs to cope somehow and this is how she's doing it. She knows that the baby is safe and well cared for in hospital. It's her right and if you can't understand it, maybe disengage.

00100001 · 30/07/2017 13:45

Well, if only everyone was as perfect as you OP

Why don't you tell her what a terrible parent she is being?

Sirzy · 30/07/2017 13:45

I remember when ds was first admitted at 8 weeks old. I didn't want to leave his side and on day 4 one of the nurses pretty much kicked me off the ward. I was knackered to a point where I couldn't be any use to anyone really, I was an emotional mess. I hated the nurse st the time but she was right ds needed me strong and rested especially when he came home a few weeks later.

Before that I would have probably been judgemental like you. But having experienced many nights on peads wards over the years I have learnt not to judge on things like that because you don't know the full story and often people have no choice or need to leave for their own mental health.

BaldricksTrousers · 30/07/2017 13:46

Also, having a glass or two of wine and going out to dinner is hardly snorting coke off of the back of a club toilet.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 30/07/2017 13:46

To coin a mumsnet phrase, you seem far too invested in this. She's barely a friend of yours, so why do you bother? It's none of your business.

Original poster

Cuckingfunt1981 · 30/07/2017 13:47

Apologise about the title my phone has went haywire and it should have said scbu but auto correct has changed it to on a buy .

I am unfollowing her posts as I think your right I'm judging and putting my feelings about what I'd do before her feelings . We all cope different . I guess this is her way of coping

OP posts:

Original poster

Cuckingfunt1981 · 30/07/2017 13:48

As I said ginger we just keep in touch via fb these days and I do enjoy looking at pics of her kids and dogs

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 30/07/2017 13:53

Presumably you're fine with the baby's father leaving the baby's side as it appears to be just the mother you've taken against.
I hope I don't have any "friends" like you.

TinselTwins · 30/07/2017 13:54

What the hell is wrong with you? You seem to have made no effort to understand how helpless and futile a parent can feel visiting a place like that! He older children do have more needs than usual at the moment too as they are also going to be upset.

I genuinely have NO idea what I would do if I had a child in SCBU and confused/scared children at home.

rextrex · 30/07/2017 13:56

I notice you don't seem to give a shit that her Dh isn't glued to the babies side.

WooWooSister · 30/07/2017 13:56

She has two older DCs who will be both worried and on holiday. It sounds as though she's trying to maintain some kind of normality for them.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 13:58

You sound awful.

My child was in and out of hospital. I had other children to attend to - get to school - single parent with no help. What the fuck else did you expect me to do but go home ?

VestalVirgin · 30/07/2017 13:59

That her husband and sons need her more is nonsense. Her needing a full night sleep + some time to herself is something I could understand! But claiming that a fucking adult man and two teenagers need her more than a tiny baby? WTF?

(And yes, I too wonder what her husband is doing. He could take over after 6.pm)

I judge parents who don't visit their child at all, but apparently she's staying there for about 12 hours, the blame for not being there the rest of the day should rest on her husband.

Birdsgottaf1y · 30/07/2017 13:59

If she's there during the day, then why aren't you judging the Father for not taking over once she leaves to be with her other children?

It might be because you are a nasty twat who likes to find fault with other Women, of course.

My DDs are Adults, I've known Women (and their children) who've stayed and those that have left. I can honestly say that neither have been better Mothers in the long run, or not had a bond with their children any less.

There is nothing she can do at the hospital. The excess drinking might be her way of coping, or she may be taking the opportunity to have a drink.

None of this is impacting on her DD. Her being at the hospital 24/7 may impact on her Sons and DH, though.

I have one disabled DD and was conscious of the impact that has on Siblings, so I always took a sensible and balanced approach, no doubt I was judged, but my now Adult DDs say I've done a bloody good job and they are the only opinion that matters.

viques · 30/07/2017 14:01

any one want to take bets on whether the OP is sending gushy supportive hunbabe Facebook messages to this poor woman while coming on here to slag her off. Some friend.

Sirzy · 30/07/2017 14:02

You can't understand why a family would need to come together, including spending time together, to help them deal with such news? You can't understand how two children at an age where they are perfectly able of understanding what is happening (but not necessarily the emotions) need support from their Mother? Or why a mother who had just given birth to a poorly baby wouldn't need support from her husband and children?

I don't get people judging what sonnds like a family coming together to deal with things in the best way for them.

Birdsgottaf1y · 30/07/2017 14:02

""But claiming that a fucking adult man and two teenagers need her more than a tiny baby? WTF?""

There isn't anything she can do for the baby, though. Teenagers do actually need their Parents, a lot more than many understand. The whole family is going through this.

TinselTwins · 30/07/2017 14:03

I notice you don't seem to give a shit that her Dh isn't glued to the babies side

^ that too!

She also has to plan ahead to taking home a sick child, if she runs herself down now by not eating/sleeping/blinking how will she do that?

Maybe if she new decent friends who offered to take her kids to holiday club or bring round meals or clean her house and keep things ticking over she could spend more time in SCBU?

It just doesn't sit right with me that she can go home and leave her dd on scbu - that's a horrible comment! most parents with children in hospital have no choice but to go home! The ITU I had the missfortune of frequenting had one relatives room and it's sofa was generally earmarked for either the most recent admission or the end of life ones. Everyone else had to go home no other option!

Oldraver · 30/07/2017 14:03

She may not have any choice. Our SCBU doesn't allow overnight stays so once the Mum is discharged she has to go home and visit during pre-arranged hours

Topseyt · 30/07/2017 14:04

Not your business.

If you want to judge something then find something that really needs it.

I was fortunate that my DD3 only needed SCBU for two or three days, but I do know that even back then (15 years ago) there were hardly any facilities for parents to spend any length of time with their babies. Certainly not overnight.

TinselTwins · 30/07/2017 14:05

But claiming that a fucking adult man and two teenagers need her more than a tiny baby? WTF?

She can actually do something to help her older children, she cant really do anything for her SCBU child, how do you think that feels? can you not understand why she might want to be somewhere where she isn't helpless and impotent?

MeltorPeltor · 30/07/2017 14:05

Sorry but piss off! None of your business, you sound like a rude judgemental 'friend'.

I was sent home when DS was in SCBU as there was nothing I could do and not sleeping and sitting at the side of an incubator is no real help to anyone. The nurses told me to chill out with some wine at home.

Now on my 2nd child and if this one is poorly I know my priority will be keeping things as normal as possible for DS1 as he's older and has more idea of what is going on.

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