Wedding summons refused

[BirdieWhatsTheWord]

My partner and I are a mixed race couple (I don't know if this is how you call it - anyway we're different races). I've never encountered any problems with this except from my partner's grandma who makes no secret of her dislike of me.

It took a long time for her to speak to me and display a family picture without blocking out the bit that had me in it. I've always been nice to her because I think family is important and I'd thought that recently she was getting used to me.

My partner and I are now engaged and one of the first thing she said after my partner told her the news was "I won't come to the wedding because of my bad back" when someone else in the family pointed out why this was silly she came up with some other excuse and I don't know why but it's really bothered me because I think it's because I'm a different race to my partner.

I've spoken to my partner about her behaviour before and he says that she doesn't dislike me specifically and it's just the way she is. But surely no grandma would miss her first grandchild's wedding unless she disapproved of the marriage?!

I'm probably being overdramatic but it just makes me really uncomfortable. I now live in my partner's home country and he has a couple of family members who are really quite unfriendly (one which I only found out when their children started saying all these rude things to me - clearly parroting what their parents say at home behind my back).

I know I shouldn't care whether she comes to the wedding or not (and the summons invitations haven't even gone out yet) but I just really hoped that having moved over here and done my best to integrate she'd be more accepting. Anyway, this is just a rant.

Don't make your wedding about her. The best thing you can do is not care, although I know it's hard. Because ultimately it's her choice and she's cutting off her own nose to spite her face.

I find your post quite troubling because clearly you've given up a lot (moved countries, tried to integrate, etc) and the grandma isn't the only problem relative - there are others, and their children, badmouthing you.

Tread carefully. If you get married you are going to have to deal with this shit for the rest of your life.

How much does your partner do to support you in the face of this? Does he confront the relatives who bully you? My worry is that in refusing to even admit his grandma dislikes you and will boycott the wedding, he being a coward and will never stick up for you.

Do you mind revealing a bit more about his cultural background and yours?

Are you able to expand a bit more about the cultural / racial differences?

Did you meet there or did you move to his home country once engaged?

What (if anything) does your partner do to mitigate the attitudes his grandmother and other relatives are displaying towards you?

I'm of mixed origin and if I'm honest with you sometimes it's not worth wading through all the shit of trying to get people to stop disliking you because you're different (in whatever way). At some point you just have to detach and let them fester in their bigotry. Not easy I know, but I'd hazard a guess that these differences are something you've always been aware of even when dating your partner.

Unless he is the best thing since sliced bread, then leave him now. Sounds too much work.
Hint - no-one is perfect. You're setting yourself up for a life of misery.

For background I'm British and my partner is East Asian. We met in the UK and lived here for a while before moving back to his home country. Culturally he's very British and our long term plans are not to stay here.

He's supportive of any issues that I have but I don't think he appreciates how much this bothers me. His grandma is prickly and the children are rude so I guess he just views it as an extension of that behaviour without considering that it represents a bigger issue for me of not being accepted into his home country/culture (I have some issues with this at work as well).

I expect it's not worth the mind space because you're right there will always be plenty of people who dislike me because of who I am. That's easier said than done though. I love my partner and his family but international relationships are so hard!

Neutrogena - he's much better than sliced bread!

If your plan is not to stay there long term, I would be wary about where you have children. If your partner changes his mind, you could be stuck there or face leaving without your children.

Let her cut off her nose to spite her face. Silly woman.

My DH's grandma was 95, severely disabled and hadn't left her house for several years. She still managed to make it half away across the country to get to our wedding. Her determination to be at her first grandchild's wedding astounded everyone.

Ditto what vlad said. My parents didn't come to my wedding to DH from another country. Cited a sick dog, of all things. Years later they admitted they thought 'he was just after a passport' I pointed out their actions punished me, not him but their bigotry hasn't changed. We've been married 16 years now, he's hanging around a long time for someone after a passport!

You have moved countries. Would your DP be willing to move to your home country?

Not that I say he must, just that it would show you if he woukd be willing support you as much you have supported him.

You could always not invite her - that would really wind her up, not being able to decline the invite!

Yes, if I wanted to go back home right now we would. My partner loves the UK and feels very at home there.

Custody of children here generally goes to the mother. I'm sure I'm naive but I trust my partner to always want the best for his future children and we both agree that a UK education is best for them so regardless of our future marital status that's what they'll get.

She really is cutting off her nose to spite her face! Most of her children and grandchildren live in the UK...the ones who are here she pushes away!

I like the idea of not inviting her!

Well there are undoubtedly plenty of relationships that relatives disapprove of for all sorts of reasons - too poor, too common, too posh, too young, too old etc and this is just another spurious reason. Would this put me off marrying him? Probably not if I thought he was the right man ( and I wouldn't want them to win quite frankly). Someone in his family needs to knock it on the head - maybe he or his parents could communicate to the wider family that this is who he has chosen to married and they need to shut up about it. By not tackling it they are condoning this rudeness and I would be minded to keep my distance until such time as it was addressed

I don't think your dp is doing enough to tackle this. He ought to be telling his grandma thay unless she learns some manners then she is not welcome in his life. He should be tackling his other family members too, not allowing their kids to disrespect you and be rude.
Seems like all the sacrifices have been yours, so far. What is he giving up for this relationship?
I'd insist on moving home now and his relayives wouldn't be welcome at my wedding - the choice would be taken out of their hands.

For background I'm British and my partner is East Asian. We met in the UK and lived here for a while before moving back to his home country. Culturally he's very British and our long term plans are not to stay here

From the OP

If you don't invite her then you will be the one in the wrong and it will give other members of the family an excuse to be outwardly rude to you.

What chased by bees said x 100

Where in south East Asia are you op? Sadly some people are just closed minded and racist wherever they are from. Could it be however that she is just really traditional and doesn't believe in sex before marriage, I assume you and your fiance are living together?

In terms of custody, it may go to the mother but you may not be able to leave the country with the children.

Just saying be careful and be very aware of The Hague Convention.

What's a wedding summons?

The rude kids can be sorted about by following traditional East Asian tactics of giving them a harsh telling them off as soon as they are rude. The problem grandma will be sorted by having a frank conversation with her - if she wants to see your future kids then she will have to be more accepting. Other wise future family gatherings will involve your dh only.

I used to date a Chinese guy (racially am Thai but look and was adopted by Indians), and I used to get much of the same until I clipped the rude kid around the ear for calling me a really racist word and then shouted at him in front of everyone at a huge family gathering. I then turned around to the child's mother and called her a terrible mother and to control her children (they were terrors). It actually earned me more respect with the family. The relationship eventually broke down when I had to move to another country

Thanks for the info about the Hague Convention - I'll have a look into it although the country I'm in hasn't ratified it or whatever so not sure how applicable it will be.

Fairenuff a wedding summons is like an invitation but more...mumsnetty?

I was going to say the same thing about custody of any children and not being able to leave the country with them. So be warned if things go wrong with your future dh, you may have a whole shit storm of nastiness on your head. He is from a family, which you know can be nasty and he's not sticking up for you now, so what do you think it I'd be like if you divorced? And if you left the country, could he stop you from returning and block you from being with the children?

Please protect yourself.