Wedding summons refused

[BirdieWhatsTheWord]

My partner and I are a mixed race couple (I don't know if this is how you call it - anyway we're different races). I've never encountered any problems with this except from my partner's grandma who makes no secret of her dislike of me.

It took a long time for her to speak to me and display a family picture without blocking out the bit that had me in it. I've always been nice to her because I think family is important and I'd thought that recently she was getting used to me.

My partner and I are now engaged and one of the first thing she said after my partner told her the news was "I won't come to the wedding because of my bad back" when someone else in the family pointed out why this was silly she came up with some other excuse and I don't know why but it's really bothered me because I think it's because I'm a different race to my partner.

I've spoken to my partner about her behaviour before and he says that she doesn't dislike me specifically and it's just the way she is. But surely no grandma would miss her first grandchild's wedding unless she disapproved of the marriage?!

I'm probably being overdramatic but it just makes me really uncomfortable. I now live in my partner's home country and he has a couple of family members who are really quite unfriendly (one which I only found out when their children started saying all these rude things to me - clearly parroting what their parents say at home behind my back).

I know I shouldn't care whether she comes to the wedding or not (and the summons invitations haven't even gone out yet) but I just really hoped that having moved over here and done my best to integrate she'd be more accepting. Anyway, this is just a rant.

His mother is ill. I get that but do you have to live there long term?

No, long term we'll come back (as in within the next five years). But right now it's not a possibility. I guess with all marriages you have to have some trust in your partner.

I guess with all marriages you have to have some trust in your partner.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. If you aren't 100% happy with staying in the country after divorce, don't have children there.

I speak as someone with a wonderful DH and I live in his country. If I wasn't absolutely happy to stay here, I would not have had DD here. Anyone can have a bad divorce.

Christ almighty......a thread where someone asks what to do about an elderly relative not liking their race, and only a page in the OP is fighting for custody of non-existent children!

It's great to point out risks, but some of the advice on here is making it sound like a guaranteed problem. Yes there are many stories of how that problem can play out but it s a tiny fractional percentage of people - all the ones without a problem don't get media time.

Re: grandmother. You don't like her. You can't win everyone's approval And you are unlikely to ever change her view if she's really old. If she wants to die unhappy about this then leave her to it. It's sad when it's family, even if not originally yours, but there are people with unpleasant views in all aspects of life.

Re: Kids.....the parents need the slap - unlikely they made their own minds up on something like this

Someone who was blasé about their family and culture before having children can become very determined to have their child identify with and be raised in their culture or homeland

This is bang on the money. I've seen it myself IRL and countless times on Mumsnet - centring around circumcision and strict religion mainly.

Birdie please read AcrossthePond's post at 16.50 and then read it again ... and again

It's not just about your DP's attitude possibly changing, but the colossal family pressure he could come under once any children are born. Of course he may be prepared to stand up to them on this, but personally I'd worry that his rather feeble "it's just how she is ..." could suggest otherwise

As everyone's said, please be very, very careful; while things naturally look very rosy at this stage in your relationship, the cost to you if this alters doesn't bear thinking about - as countless threads on the same subject attest

I've never known a man move back once he's taken a partner home with him. My friend moved from a vibrant UK city to a small, economically and culturally deprived sink town to be with her dp (now husband) temporarily while he sorted his career out. He hated his hometown, described it as a shit hole and was absolutely a 'city person'.

Guess where they live ten years later...

I know a lot of the keyboard warriors on here are very big on confrontations and demanding 'respect' from a partner's relatives but, to an extent, it's OK not to bother about it. If your beloved's (or even your own) racist granddad or homophobic auntie live in a country you're not planning to stay in, and you're not likely to see them more than once every couple of years, it's fine to put up with it and giggle about it with your partner in private once you're away (or have packed them off to the airport.

If your partner is equally rude to you when the bigoted family treat you like an outsider, though, you might be heading for trouble.

How long have you been with your partner, Birdie, and when did you move to his country? Do you speak the language of his country?

You say "long term we'll come back (as in within the next five years)", but that's not really something you can anticipate, given that you both live in his country and children of the relationship are likely to legally be of his nationality.

There is no way you can know if, five years down the line, he would be able to obtain the appropriate visa to permit you (as a family) to move to the UK.

I'm not suggesting you should cancel your wedding, just in case, but I do think you should be prepared that the long term plan might not go your way. Would you be okay with that and, especially, would you be allowed to stay in his country long term?

Custody of children here generally goes to the mother. I'm sure I'm naive but I trust my partner to always want the best for his future children and we both agree that a UK education is best for them so regardless of our future marital status that's what they'll get.this statement always makes me laugh. Shake head and walk away in disbelief.

The fact that he is so passionate about his kids should give you a clue on what would happen if the relationship was to fail.

If you two have upped sticks and moved to his home country just because of his mum it tells you how important some members of the family are to him. Be careful

No, long term we'll come back (as in within the next five years). But right now it's not a possibility. I guess with all marriages you have to have some trust in your partner

I think there's a difference between trust and faith!

I trust my partner a lot, I don't put all my faith in the relationship though. I can't imagine us splitting up though but other things can happen: death, catasrophic injury etc.
So I have all my own finances and savings and have always kepts up my employability even when kids are small. If anything happened to DH or our relationship I'ld be emotionally devastated but have my own security.
He also has his own separate security etc, so at least I know that if I ended up sick or worse he would be okay financially so that's one less worry

We have a lot of trust , but we don't put any blind faith in "love is all you need" etc . because its not, you access to jobs and money and a home and lots of "unromantic" things can happn in life, need your own pensions and savings etc

Plan for the worst hope for the best.