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Original poster

Wedding summons refused

64 replies

BirdieWhatsTheWord · 29/07/2017 14:56

My partner and I are a mixed race couple (I don't know if this is how you call it - anyway we're different races). I've never encountered any problems with this except from my partner's grandma who makes no secret of her dislike of me.

It took a long time for her to speak to me and display a family picture without blocking out the bit that had me in it. I've always been nice to her because I think family is important and I'd thought that recently she was getting used to me.

My partner and I are now engaged and one of the first thing she said after my partner told her the news was "I won't come to the wedding because of my bad back" when someone else in the family pointed out why this was silly she came up with some other excuse and I don't know why but it's really bothered me because I think it's because I'm a different race to my partner.

I've spoken to my partner about her behaviour before and he says that she doesn't dislike me specifically and it's just the way she is. But surely no grandma would miss her first grandchild's wedding unless she disapproved of the marriage?!

I'm probably being overdramatic but it just makes me really uncomfortable. I now live in my partner's home country and he has a couple of family members who are really quite unfriendly (one which I only found out when their children started saying all these rude things to me - clearly parroting what their parents say at home behind my back).

I know I shouldn't care whether she comes to the wedding or not (and the summons invitations haven't even gone out yet) but I just really hoped that having moved over here and done my best to integrate she'd be more accepting. Anyway, this is just a rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirdieWhatsTheWord · 29/07/2017 16:03

I do speak back to the children Groupie but haven't said anything to their mother/father. I don't think I could handle the embarrassment of making a scene at a family gathering but you may be right!

The sad thing is I don't think she'd be bothered about not seeing her great grandchildren so it's not much of a threat. She'd be sad they're not 100% asian but that's it.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2017 16:04

Go Groupie!!

TinselTwins · 29/07/2017 16:10

Don't focus your attention on her, focus on the family members worth focusing on!

Thank her for her RSVP, tell her you hope her back feels better soon, and send invites to whoever hasn't said they won't come.

And put your energy into the nice ones, they're the ones that deserve it

Original poster
BirdieWhatsTheWord · 29/07/2017 16:11

The child issue has given me a lot to think about. The UK gov website says it can be a difficult to resolve issue with this country and mothers can be particularly vulnerable.

I'll speak to my partner about this and discuss the implications. It feels awful and unromantic to discuss divorce before we're even married but I guess it's sensible.

You're right Tinsel, I'll take it at face value and stop seething. I don't even like the woman so her not being there shouldn't directly bother me!

OP posts:
user1499786242 · 29/07/2017 16:12

Gosh I'm sorry for you have to deal with this op
No real advice but maybe you should think about moving far far away from
His family....

VestalVirgin · 29/07/2017 16:19

Is this a country you feel you can live in? If you were on your own?

It might be wiser to return to the UK before you have children.

I don't even like the woman so her not being there shouldn't directly bother me!

That's the spirit!

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2017 16:23

He will tell you there won't be a problem, he'd never do that to you because right now that's what he thinks. You need the facts, not promises he can renege on. Trust me, there are worldwide agencies trying to give mums and sometimes dads news on their abducted children. Or parents, who have been refused re entry into their children's country of residence. I've read enough stories of this sort. I'm sorry, I'm not telling you the man you love, I'm trying to tell you to be careful.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2017 16:24

Last sentence didn't make sense. I'm not telling you the man you love will do this, I'm trying to tell you to be careful.

Original poster
BirdieWhatsTheWord · 29/07/2017 16:33

You're absolutely right Mummy and I hear what you're saying but I'm not sure what I could do about it other than come back to the UK to have kids which realistically given our plans isn't going to be likely.

I'm sure it sounds very naive to say my partner would never do this but I honestly believe he wouldn't. I can't see any reason he'd want to keep the children in his home country which he feels does not have as good an education system and, culturally, is just not him given how long he spent in the UK before we moved back (he is British in all but his passport).

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 29/07/2017 16:40

Do you mind me asking why you've moved there if it isn't culturally him?

HundredMilesAnHour · 29/07/2017 16:42

I'm sure it sounds very naive to say my partner would never do this but I honestly believe he wouldn't.

Massively naive. If you split up, things could be very different and you will kick yourself for not being sensible about this.

Original poster
BirdieWhatsTheWord · 29/07/2017 16:48

We moved for family reasons.

I realise that things could go wrong but really what can I do? I've been reading around this after this thread but I can only find what could go wrong - not how to mitigate it (other than not have kids overseas but that's not likely to be an option unless we delay having kids which I really don't want to do).

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/07/2017 16:50

Here's the thing, love, having a child changes people. It changes their outlook on life, but it can also change their feelings about their culture and their homeland. Someone who was blasé about their family and culture before having children can become very determined to have their child identify with and be raised in their culture or homeland. This may be especially true if their culture is biased towards them (i.e., a male-orientated culture where the man is the 'boss' might appeal to a man) or where their greater family puts pressure on them to stay within the culture as an unspoken 'condition' of being in the family.

No law, no agreement between you and your fiancé will protect you and your future children, especially if where you are is not subject to the Hague Convention. And the HC will actually prevent you from taking your children and leaving the country without consent of their father.

Just think very carefully.

hatsoncats · 29/07/2017 16:51

It sounds highly unlikely that you will ever be fully accepted there.
Better now to return to the UK, marry here and raise your children here, with all the protection that this will grant you.

No matter how much you trust your partner, these pages are full of mothers who married/had children abroad, then found themselves either unable to leave the country, or forbidden to leave WITH their children.

Given the comments from UK gov website, better to err on the side of caution, and invite his side of the family to visit you here in the UK. Not awful, not unromantic, just sensible.

honeysucklejasmine · 29/07/2017 16:53

Your children will be dual nationals OP. Depending on the country, they might not even be allowed to have two nationalities so would just hold the Asian one. Your rights will be very limited.

The very least you can do is ensure your children are entitled to a British Passport by virtue of birth in the UK to a UK national mother.

It's tough, and I feel horrible saying it. But your partner should understand and agree.

Fwiw my friend (second gen Chinese) is marrying a white man next year. She fully expects lots of extended family not to come, and indeed hoped they won't so she doesn't have to listen to them make racist remarks. She feels it unlikely her Dad (who moved back to China) will come although he does support the marriage privately. Sad times. Sad

HamishsMomma · 29/07/2017 16:55

Just a quick question OP but why are you not marrying in the UK?

MrsKoala · 29/07/2017 16:58

Some people are just weird. My Nan (Aunt,Uncle and Cousins) didn't come to my wedding because she had perceived some imagined slight about the invitations. DH's parents didn't come because they said it was too far to travel (an hour away) but went to a stranger from the internets wedding 5hrs away a month or so later then showed us all the pics and didn't stop banging on about what a great wedding it was.

Have the wedding for yourself. I wish i hadn't given it so much headspace now.

honeysucklejasmine · 29/07/2017 16:59

(I'm married to a foreigner too OP. Our DD was born here and as yet, we have not attempted to claim her second nationality. We're not in the position to afford to visit my husband's home country so can't see the point yet. Plus, I don't want to be stuck in the passport queue on my Larry whilst they swan through! 😂)

honeysucklejasmine · 29/07/2017 17:01

MrsK DH's aunt didn't come to ours as "it was too far and she doesn't have holiday leave left". Fair enough. Except a month later she went on holiday to a destination even further, to go sight seeing alone. FIL was furious! Blush

Original poster
BirdieWhatsTheWord · 29/07/2017 17:03

We will marry in the UK as well.

This has given me a lot to think about. Perhaps I'll push for an earlier return to the UK...he really will want his children educated in the UK though (as him and his parents were).

I don't know...I kinda wish I'd fallen in love with a boy down the road! I do love him a lot though.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/07/2017 17:04

There are many many men, who are American or British (etc) in all but passport, who radically change once their children are born as AcrossThePond has pointed out.

Honestly I would seriously think about coming back to the uk. What is stopping you?

Original poster
BirdieWhatsTheWord · 29/07/2017 17:11

Family reasons - among other things my DP's mother is very ill.

OP posts:
GardenGeek · 29/07/2017 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoutingForApproval · 29/07/2017 17:14

Birdie, as someone in mixed-race relationship, I echo the other posters, you need to protect yourself (not only your rights) and it is crucial that you will get your fiance on your side from the very beginning. I've been thought a lot in my relationship with my DH (from his family and friends) and it can so easily affect the relationship, how you see yourself and your DH.

AvoidingCallenetics · 29/07/2017 17:25

OP, everyone in the whole world who ended up divorced, would have sworn at one point that their husband/wife would never turn nasty, never use the children or block access, would always be fair about money.
Talking to your dp about this is pointless. The best way to protect yourself is to have your babies in a country where your rights are protected.
Already he is showing signs of not totally having your back when it comes to his family. Imagine if he no longer had any loyalty to you but still had these relatives dripping poison in his ear.