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AIBU?

Or is 'D'P an arse

59 replies

CroissantwithCheese · 28/07/2017 21:36

I've written about him before, we have problems going back a while, but things have been better recently. Only now I'm going back to work seems his arseholeness is back. This morning I had a meeting at my new job. I told him last night I was a bit anxious in case I'd be late etc (first meeting at my new job). We all had a bad nights sleep because DD has a terrible cough. I got up and started getting ready this morning. I organized a babysitter to come and take her so he could go to work. Poor DD was tired and upset but I didn't have time to console her as much as I'd like. P lay in bed doing nothing, just letting DD cry, and letting me run around like a blue arsed fly trying to get me and DD both ready. At one point I asked him to get up and help, he said "I'll get up when I want". WTAF? Are you fucking 12?!

He texted a few times today as if nothing happened. I took DD to the doctor in case it was something serious, so he checked in on that. I told him I was picking up dinner, he said good idea. Then never came home. Still not home and no call or text. WIBU to just tell him to fuck off in the morning? Complete and utter selfish lazy bastard.

Sorry, I really need to vent and can't talk IRL.

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ChickenBhuna · 28/07/2017 22:24

Croissant - he knows what he is and he knows what he's doing when he shows this behaviour.

I hope your dc feels better and that the new job is a success. I also hope you get away from him.

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PoorYorick · 28/07/2017 22:24

You don't need to vent, you need to get out of this poisonous relationship.

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SonicBoomBoom · 28/07/2017 22:30

I hope your new job is part of your LTB plan?

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Slimthistime · 28/07/2017 22:35

Sorry, is DD his child? I dint know the back story.

Hope she feels better ASAP.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 28/07/2017 22:37

" I'd love a resource to point him to (has to be reputable, written by experts, otherwise it's dismissed as bullshit) where he can see he's being a caveman and this isn't respectful or normal!"
No. That's nothing but a red herring. He would never accept he is in the wrong, and you are wasting vital time, energy, and emotional well-being just considering the idea.

You know what you need to do.

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dawnz · 28/07/2017 22:38

LTB, or at least start getting your ducks in a row. I put up with similar sorts of crap (particularly the disappearances incommunicado) fairly frequently for the last 8yrs of our 16yr marriage, and wish I'd not left it so long. The saying "Don't care was made to care" does not apply to some men. Have a read-up about narcissism - you may be surprised at how many boxes are ticked.

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dressjunkie66 · 28/07/2017 22:39

So you haven't even started the job yet and your DP is already being a caveman?
He obviously hates the idea of you returning to work as that means he will have to pull his finger out and actually participate in getting the morning routine moving smoothly(as opposed to lying in bed and leaving it all to you).
He's really not happy about you being "an equal partner" is he.

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DownTownAbbey · 28/07/2017 22:48

Urgh. Why do these arse holes think they deserve to have wives and partners? It's a miracle they aren't extinct by now because they're seriously unattractive.

Yanbu

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Jux · 28/07/2017 22:53

Oh just kick him out asap. He sounds like he could make an excellen NRP but he sure as hell isn't being a great dad right now. He is certainly NOT a great partner.

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doobree · 28/07/2017 22:53

Oh what an utter arse bastard :( its like he was trying to sabotage you.

I'd tell him to fuck off right now and not to bother coming home.

well done with handling your new job and a doctors visit AND dinner croissant you dont need him

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CroissantwithCheese · 29/07/2017 09:56

Thanks for the responses. Yes she is his DD. He seems to think she's my responsibility first and foremost. He's also self centered and when I need him most he thinks about himself instead. He took DD this morning and got her breakfast etc and I stayed in bed. I haven't said a word to him yet, mostly because I don't want to have a fight in front of DD. Staying calm is key. How can he think it's ok to behave like this? That makes me so mad, and sad, that he thinks so Ittle of me that his behaviour could be ok to him. I feel disrespected and taken advantage of, and that's what I'll tell him eventually. He needs to grow the fuck up, problem is I've told him that many times. I want to end it but I don't want any more drama. Our fights always take me a long time to recover from.

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Whosthemummynow · 29/07/2017 10:23

I wouldn't bother arguing. Just get yourself together, find somewhere you and DD can stay and just leave.

This man is never going to change

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ChickenBhuna · 29/07/2017 10:26

Leaving will involve short-term drama , but ultimately , a happy life for you and your child.

If you stay you'll have a lifetime of this ridiculous push/pull behaviour from him.

How may more times does he have to show you who he is OP?

You can do better than him.

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CockacidalManiac · 29/07/2017 10:28

Do you want an entire lifetime of this shit? Because he won't change.

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HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 29/07/2017 10:31

I'd just throw him out, he clearly has no respect for you and the relationship is all about him and his needs, and he has easy access to his DD through you.

I think your a mug for putting up with it.

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Slimthistime · 29/07/2017 10:37

Don't waste you breath telling him again
Just do what needs doing to break up.

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ButtMuncher · 29/07/2017 10:47

This sounds like my relationship. All is well when I don't need anything/am happy/don't need help/don't nag/am not anxious/am overly thankful for minor chores DP does/support him/cook clean/do whatever he says/let him do all his hobbies but the moment I'm not happy or question something, say perhaps being annoyed about him getting drunk after he said he won't drink because we may need to take our poorly baby to hospital as per doctor arrangement, all mother lode of arguments ensues.

Apparently I'm the major factor in his stress right now because I ask too many questions and talk too much. All he needs is to be 'left alone' (oh, I forgot to mention I do this every day and then get told I'm too distant). He needs therapy and time off work but like his mother he prefers to take the path of martyrdom to express just how AWFUL his life is.

I hope like me, you're making plans to leave. I've had 3 years of this shit, where every time I've needed emotional support (PND, work, being a mum) he's suspiciously absent, or he's bemoaning that I'm 'so difficult'

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ChickenBhuna · 29/07/2017 10:50

Have you read about the abuse cycle OP?

I hope I don't come across as patronising , but I think you should. See if you can spot where his current behaviour sits on the chart.

I want you to see that he's not listening to you , he's just playing a game he's probably plays for years.

Also , please don't take anyone's word as criticism , you have support here.

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duracellred · 29/07/2017 11:06

OP - you are not alone......believe me.

Many DHs are wankers.

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AdoraBell · 29/07/2017 11:11

He is an arse, and definitely sounds abusive as others have said.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/07/2017 11:19

Wow, what a prince he sounds!
I understand how hard it is to decide once and for all that "this is IT" but seriously, do you want the rest of your life to be this way? You taking all the responsibility, and him being a selfish, self-centred wanker who only does what he wants to? If you don't see this as being the way you want to live, then work out a plan to get out of it, if you can.

So sorry :(

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WhereYouLeftIt · 29/07/2017 15:11

"I want to end it but I don't want any more drama. Our fights always take me a long time to recover from."
I wonder if at some unconscious level he knows you're considering ending it, and so starts these fights to keep you emotionally drained and too exhausted to leave.

Can you avoid the fights? Can you detach from this relationship emotionally so that you can nod and smile at whatever shit he says, whilst quietly in the background making the necessary arrangements to split?

Have you thought through your plans? Will you move out, or ask him to leave? Is your home rented or owned, because this will affect your options? Have you a separate bank account to divert your wages to?

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Mysteriouscurle · 29/07/2017 15:20

Many people manage to work FT and still be responsible for their DC. since youve talked to him many times, I'm not sure what the actual point of him is

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MrsTerryPratchett · 29/07/2017 15:24

He wants to keep you tied to him and, instead of actually being a good husband and father, does it by demeaning and undermining you and trying to have you fail.

No resource is going to change him. Leaving won't either but he won't be your problem any more.

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stumblymonkeyagain · 29/07/2017 15:24

I couldn't live like this. He sounds like an entitled, misogynist arse.

I'd have to get my ducks in a row to leave.

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