AIBU to wonder why my friend who had a recent miscarriage deleted me and DH from FB (we have both had recent losses)

[NooNooHead1981]

My friend had a miscarriage at 15 weeks, which was understandably awful and very hard to deal with. I had an ectopic pregnancy and surgery in March before her pregnancy and miscarriage, but ever since she became pregnant (after my loss), she has been very 'off' with me and not spoken to me on the school runs/in the street etc. She even said to a mutual friend that our friendship has gone sour. Not once has she explained why she has snubbed me nor spoken to me about her loss, and despite her being supportive after my ectopic, she didn't want any support from me at all after hers.

I am finding it very tough right now as my brother who has terminal cancer has days left to live, so perhaps I am being very oversensitive here. She wasn't a particularly close friend, but we have both been through losses and I just want to know what I have done wrong. I don't feel I can go and talk to her as during her stay in hospital, our mutual friends told me not to message her. I did send her a card and a gift, but have never openly messaged her about things. I wonder if I had ignored my friends' advice, and spoken to her, things would have been easier?

She did send me a message after I cancelled a recent playdate saying that she had to psyche herself up for the playdate, so me cancelling was not great (which I can understand), but I was perplexed by her comment that she had to put her personal feelings aside to meet up. I wonder if my loss was too hurtful and reminded her of her miscarriage?

I know I am overanalysing things, but deleting me off FB is one thing; deleting my DH who has done nothing wrong is another. Who is BU?

noonoo it sounds like you are going through a totally shit time and it's even harder when people you thought were your friends start treating you differently.

Ok, I guess it is late and I should go and do something more useful and spend time with my family. Thank you for your replies; they have been helpful and appreciated, even if I haven't shown it in the right way.

I am very raw. Watching my younger brother aged 34 die of bowel cancer is utterly utterly shit, and totally compounds my grief about my ectopic. Sometimes I truly can't stand what life has thrown at me recently. I guess I am venting about my ex-friend because of my grief, and she totally doesn't deserve that at all.

By your own admission she was never a close friend. I think you have to just let her go her own way and accept you may never know the reason why the friendship soured. I know it's awkward but it's not going to help you or her to force an explanation. C

Concentrate on looking after yourself and your family through this difficult time!

Strength and love to you and your family in the difficult days ahead Noonoo.

Thank you... we will certainly need it. Just thinking about things now is making me feel really sad. Goodness knows what I'll be like when the day does finally come.

OP I hope you didn't think I was saying you were competitive I meant willows post.

There could be any numbers of reasons for her behaviour valid or otherwise - she might just be a complete cow! But if your mutual friend (although doesn't sound much of a friend) isn't going to tell you - step away. Madness lies in trying to work it out

Op I think she's behaving like a child, telling your friend that's the relationship has gone sour, and not to contact her. TBH I think the miscarriage is a red herring ( I am sorry for your loss) but I reckon she (thinks) you've done something to piss her off and rather then talk about it she's acting like a child and your 'friend' is shit stirring in the background whipping it all up.
She almost inviting you to ask her what you've done wrong.
If it was me I'd message her in a breezy way and say your mutual friend had said the relationship had gone sour and see what see says

YANBU this kind of thing is very hurtful. I've had it done to me - but I do think it's to do with her establishing boundaries and I think it would have happened even in the absence of both of you sadly suffering losses. I personally don't feel it's to do with the losses per se, I think that she feels perhaps on a general level that the friendships run its course. YANBU though I've had it done to me and it's very hurtful. I've sometimes had to phase other people out and yes, 5theybfo seem very disappointed :put out when it happend

I agree with stella23 this doesn't sound like the miscarriages have anything to do with it.

I would leave her be and get on with your life. Not worth losing any sleep over.

You cannot control how she behaves or reacts. And I wouldn't even discuss her with your "mutual friend" who tbh sounds like she should also be dropped as she sounds like a stirrer. You've got enough on your plate to deal so focus on your own well being and being with your family

When I miscarried I didn't want to discuss it. I wasn't particularly upset as I so I felt it would have been insensitive of me to pretend I was.
I was very closed and just mentioned it in passing and certainly didn't want sympathy.

Grief does strange things to people, we behave in ways that we just wouldn't normally. I know after my late loss I didn't want to lean on anyone, I didn't want to see a soul, I just wanted to be alone. It took me several months to even think of seeking support. I was so angry and in shock and honestly, just not in a good place at all. If anyone had reached out to me in those early months I would of lashed out. I'm not saying that's right or reasonable but that's just the way it was.

It sounds like for whatever reason she is trying to establish boundaries, in which case you just have to let her, accept that the friendship may have run its course and let it go. Leave the door open a crack if you want too, she may reach out in the future, it's entirely up to you if you reciprocate. You've both been and are going through some really rough times.

I'm very sorry for your loss and to hear about your brother.

Friendships, like romantic relationships, sometimes just end because one or both of the parties aren't really feeling it. It doesn't mean there's fault on any side. It sounds like you thought you were closer than you are and maybe when she had her miscarriage and you stepped up - which was lovely - she felt a bit crowded. That's OK! Doesn't mean anyone has done anything wrong. She's told you she doesn't want to be friends by unfriending you and your DH on Facebook. That's pretty concrete. Read up on the term African Violets on Captain Awkward's blog - it's all about how we as a society don't have a neat way of ending friendships the way we do relationships.

OP if you had your loss in march and she has a 15 week loss it must either be extremely recent and raw for her or she was in fact pregnant when you had your loss.

Either way being pregnant when someone has a loss or getting pregnant very soon after can lead to a great deal of discomfort on all parts.

Alternatively for whatever reason she no longer wants to be friends - it happens and sometimes we never know why.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this whilst you're dealing with the pain of your brother dying. I hope you find strength.

It sounds like she felt a bit awkward becoming pregnant so soon after your loss and maybe didn't know what to say etc which may explain why she was off with you before.

Could also be that after her loss, she felt even more awkward, and didn't want to have a conversation that would have undoubtedly been uncomfortable for you both where you discuss what happened. Maybe she thought there would be comparisons made? Not saying you would do that but maybe she thought there would be? Such as 'Oh yes I also had such and such when I had my ectopic pregnancy' and that may have been too much for her so she just avoided you altogether.

You didn't post anything on Facebook at all did you? Or do you keep sharing quotes and posts about losing a child? Could be too much for her to see. Just to be clear, I know that not everyone does things like this and I'm not suggesting that you did, but I do have someone on my FB who talks openly about such things and it can be a bit upsetting for some people.

As for deleting your DH, she probably thought it would be weird to delete you and not him?

Also, sorry to hear about everything you're going through

It sounds like you've had a really shit time recently and had quite a few health concerns. Is your ex friend someone who doesn't 'do' a lot of sympathy?

I ask because some people just don't people who 'bring them down' in their life. I don't mean this is your fault at all but maybe she sees it as she can't cope with more health 'drama' from you and wants to wash her hands of it all. It is very selfish of her yes, but sadly some people are like that. My former friend was. Any time any of our other friends had any health problems or were grieving she would freeze them out. She was never open about this so it took me a while to realize it. As soon as I had a serious health problem I was also dropped. It was awful at the time but looking back I should have seen it when she was doing it to others. She acted like a care free, happy, bubbly person but was cold as ice behind the scenes.

Maybe your friend just didn't want to help you through it and and when her own grief came along she has lashed out at you because she isn't coping with her own.

Thank you for your replies. I gave her the chance to be open with me and I guess I never was that close, as I said before. We never really talked in depth about my head injury, post concussion syndrome or mental breakdown and movement disorder and I know she wouldn't have said much about it even if I had said something.

I did post quite a lot on FB about 'staying strong' and finding strength etc and being grateful, but she has also recently put quotes such as 'Always on my mind, forever in my heart' etc so she was obv very much grieving through FB too. I don't ever think we will get to the bottom of it. I think her loss was obviously just extremely emotionally traumatic and trying to support me too with my brother's illness, as well as my loss was prob too much for her.

I do wish her well. I just hope we can resurrect our friendship one day if she would like, and maybe even just for the sake of our girls.

I think from her message about how she 'can't do this any more' and has 'had enough' would imply there is something there that she never really explained and probably never will. 😖😥

Is that a new message, OP?

It was a message from about a month ago, when we were supposed to have a play date and I cancelled. So no, not a new one.

I am the OP by the way, i seem to have two diff accounts that I set up with diff email addresses! 🙄