AIBU to wonder why my friend who had a recent miscarriage deleted me and DH from FB (we have both had recent losses)

[NooNooHead1981]

My friend had a miscarriage at 15 weeks, which was understandably awful and very hard to deal with. I had an ectopic pregnancy and surgery in March before her pregnancy and miscarriage, but ever since she became pregnant (after my loss), she has been very 'off' with me and not spoken to me on the school runs/in the street etc. She even said to a mutual friend that our friendship has gone sour. Not once has she explained why she has snubbed me nor spoken to me about her loss, and despite her being supportive after my ectopic, she didn't want any support from me at all after hers.

I am finding it very tough right now as my brother who has terminal cancer has days left to live, so perhaps I am being very oversensitive here. She wasn't a particularly close friend, but we have both been through losses and I just want to know what I have done wrong. I don't feel I can go and talk to her as during her stay in hospital, our mutual friends told me not to message her. I did send her a card and a gift, but have never openly messaged her about things. I wonder if I had ignored my friends' advice, and spoken to her, things would have been easier?

She did send me a message after I cancelled a recent playdate saying that she had to psyche herself up for the playdate, so me cancelling was not great (which I can understand), but I was perplexed by her comment that she had to put her personal feelings aside to meet up. I wonder if my loss was too hurtful and reminded her of her miscarriage?

I know I am overanalysing things, but deleting me off FB is one thing; deleting my DH who has done nothing wrong is another. Who is BU?

She has treated you very unfairly and I too would be hurt. There must be more to this but if she's not willing to tell you, honestly I would just let it go.

People can behave badly at anytime, yes she's had a mc that will have been very traumatic but you tend to lean on people not push them away.

Deleting people, telling others to tell you not to message her its all very hurtful and childish.

I would just shrug and move on. Focus on other friends, you have enough to deal with at the moment. Sorry about your db . Does the friend know about him?

Thank you for your kind message, it means a lot. Yes, she knows he is ill, but not this ill and has behaved very oddly in the past too. You're right, for the sake of my MH, I should just forget her. She hasn't once asked me about my DB despite me telling her very straight in a message that he was terminal and didn't have long left.

To be honest, using a miscarriage as an excuse to behave oddly is understandable but not excusable in my eyes. I suffered a loss too, I am grieving too, and I have the immient loss of my DB to deal with soon too. She is acting in a really selfish way if I'm completely honest but woe betide if I said anything to her - I would be seen to be being horrible to a woman who had suffered a loss. One of our mutual friends said she always thinks of others and puts them first... I've yet to see any evidence of this given her recent behaviour.

She upsets me, but isn't worth my time or energy TBH.

Maybe she is struggling so much with her own grief she has no strength left for anyone else's. .
Or feels so bad she can't be there for you right now due to this so is avoiding you. .
Sorry there is so much bad stuff going on - it sucks. I hope you have rl support. .

What's the deal with your mutual friend? She sounds like a stirrer.

Focus your energy on yourself and your DBro. Your time spent with Dbro and your mental health are much more important.

Your friend might be suffering in her own way and just leave the door open when she starts reaching out.

I have to be careful with the mutual friend as she has closer allies with my 'ex-friend' TBH and anything I say isn't always going to be supported - the mutual friend is more likely to support my ex-friend.

All so petty and childish... it reminds me of being at school in a way. And FB doesn't help.

Thank you - there is a lot of stuff going on that I have to deal with at the moment after a couple of years of awful awful stuff including a head injury, post concussion syndrome, breakdown and a drug-induced movement disorder. I hope that the next few months aren't too tough.

I think you're being unkind about your friend. Yes you have had a horrible time with a miscarriage and your brother's terminal illness. But she's had a miscarriage too and is obviously finding it hard to deal with. That doesn't mean she's using it as an excuse to behave oddly. Maybe she doesn't have the emotional energy to speak to you about your brother - I absolutely do not mean that in a nasty way just that she's going through a shit time and maybe she doesn't want to deal with anyone else's difficult times right now. Focus on yourself, your brother and the friends who are supporting you and try to forget about your friend or else wondering why will just eat you up.

I think you need to ask her outright - probably over text so it's less confrontational than face to face. She's acting very much like you've done something wrong, to an extent that I think she thinks you have - and it may just be an easily resolved understanding. I think if it was just that your loss reminds her of hers then she'd disappear but not act like she has towards you.

Don't ask, leave it. It doesn't mean you've done something horrible, it doesn't mean she has. People drift apart and she's clearly trying to establish boundaries - let her.

Maybe whenever she shes you or dh on facebook, she remembers what happened to you which brings up what happened to her

Could be for many reasons which she may not even be able to explain. If she is not really that close to you in the first place, then it's not really a loss.

Yes I totally agree with dinosaursandtea - I think she's trying to establish boundaries - maybe she feels you have less and less in common as years go on?

This is true and fine, and I agree with your ideas. We were never that close in the first place, but it is very awkard now given that we see her every day on the school run and she just avoids eye contact completely or scowls in our direction. Our daughters are also best friends at school which doesn't help either as they won't have playdates much any more. We were also quite generous to her over the past couple of years, giving her bags of old clothes and loaning her a bike (although my DH says we should ask for the bike back, but I've said to leave it).

To be honest, if this is how she has to be then so be it. I don't feel that I am being unkind, far from it, just curious about why she suddenly cut all ties and with no explanation. I don't wish any ill upon her at all and have wanted to support her in whichever way is best. I guess she just doesn't feel emotionally ready or prepared to deal with that, and just wants me out of her life.

I'd ask her why she's said she feels your relationship has gone sour - is it something she feels you've done or just the passage of time creating distance. To be honest I think she has behaved poorly, notwithstanding her grief. But I would want to ask her the question before cutting ties, I think hre response would make it easier to move on

You could ask her straight but tbh I think either way the relationship is over. Take support from those who you are close to and who care about you.
I'm very sorry about your brother, this is understandably an incredibly hard time for you, I hope he is being well cared for and comfortable. Xx

Maybe she feels she has enough pain on her plate and can't deal with yours as well. Leave the friendship for the moment and focus on yourself, you have so much going on.

How old are your DDs? Would it be possible for them to have play dates without both parents being there?

I'm going to try and say this in the kindest possible way: I think you're being hugely unfair to your friend. Whilst Im not keen to enter into hierarchy of grief comparisons I firmly believe a loss at 15 weeks is massively different to an ectopic pregnancy and if you've compared the two I wouldn't be shocked if your friend found that difficult to handle

She had a miscarriage, snubbed you before this happened (begun when she got pregnant) and you are at a loss as to why.

YANBU for being upset. Everyone else is forgetting the fact you said that she went sour with you BEFORE her miscarriage not after so actually her behaviour is really quite shitty especially as she can not be brave enough to give you a reason.

If you want to know what went wrong, send her a polite but brief message through FB messenger, providing she hasn't blocked you, or a text; something along the lines of:

I noticed recently that you don't wish to talk to me and we are no longer connected on FB. It saddens me that we can't be friends as this has inevitably affected our daughters too. What went wrong? I would love to meet up with you for a coffee and a chat. I harbour no ill feelings or anger towards you. I am simply confused as to what's went wrong"

It COULD BE that playground gossip has angered her; something said out of turn, misconstrued; something about you and her that has upset her.

Most adults would rather ignore and blank individuals when they have been explicitly or not upset by their friends rather than confront the situation head on and try to resolve it. Some people don't like the confrontational conflict it may cause.

Hope you get answers.

I haven't compared the two at any point, and would never sit there and say my loss is worse than yours and vice versa. I am completely aware how traumatic it must be for her and getting over a loss at 15 weeks is totally different to an ectopic, but it doesn't make the pain of the loss from my ectopic any less, nor does it mean that mine was any less serious. If I'd not had surgery, I could have died. I also know that she could have died too from blood loss after the miscarriage and I'm under no illusions as to how serious her situation was at all.

They are both equally horrible in my eyes, albeit hers was a lot more traumatic given that she had to actually give birth but mine was no less traumatic given that I had to go into hospital within a matter of hours to be told I needed life saving surgery.

I've never actually talked to her about her loss at all, and would never be so naive or selfish to make comparisons and say mine was worse than hers. What makes me the most sad is that she didn't feel she could turn to me during a time of need, when I'd been through a traumatic (but not as bad) situation recently.

It is what it is, and I have other things to focus my energy on now. She may (or may not) come back to me, but I have my doubts.
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I think she is (subconsciously or otherwise) scared that if she associates with you then her current pregnancy may be endangered. You both had that very sad event in common, and so whether she knows it or not she's keeping as far from you as she can.

That would be my guess anyway. I'm sorry op; it's not fair but I suspect it is human nature to distance ourselves from what scares us most.

^^ I had an ectopic pregnancy and surgery in March before her pregnancy and miscarriage, but ever since she became pregnant (after my loss), she has been very 'off' with me

Friend was "off" before she had a miscarriage so I don't see how it can be the case that the OP comparison is what has caused her former friends behaviour. & in any case suggesting someone's miscarriage is worse than someone's etopic is competitive grief & honestly just don't.

OP don't stress what you can control with this woman. Maybe you have done something to upset her but if she isn't going to tell you why you can't do anything about it. Given the timing of this maybe she didn't know how to handle your grief.

People behaving in this way can make you feel very low and it can be extremely upsetting. It's easier said that done but cut yourself away x

banging yes you are absolutely right - most adults avoid confrontation for fear of saying the wrong thing or upsetting the other person with the truth. I am a firm believer in resolving an issue you have with someone, actually TALKING to them, and discussing it and moving on/forwards. I feel like my friend is probably acting this way either through being scared of confrontation, something I have unknowingly done, or from just being totally traumatised and not knowing how to handle other people. Any of these reasons are totally fine, I just wish she would have the balls to tell me and at least give me a polite explanation so I can understand why. It's the not knowing that makes me so perplexed.

Op I'm very sorry for what you've been through, and for your brother's illness as well as what you are going through with your friend. I don't have any advice but would like to say to willowweeping that it is staggeringly ignorant for you to say that an ectopic pregnancy is less sad, less difficult or anything else less than a miscarriage, even one at 15 weeks. Most women don't find out their pregnancy is ectopic for several weeks so they experience all the excitement of anyone else. Some women have to have treatment for their ectopic pregnancy whilst seeing their baby's heart beating on an ultrasound knowing there is no way they can keep that baby alive. Many women who have an ectopic lose not only their pregnancy but also suffer a reduction in future fertility, either through the loss of a tube or damage to it. Some women nearly lose their lives and suffer ongoing health issues as a result of an ectopic pregnancy. Some women die.

I'm sorry if you've ever suffered a pregnancy loss of any kind, but even if you have, you have no right to say that OP or anyone else should feel guilty for feeling their loss as much as they do.

Did you console her at the time with (well meaning) empathy along the lines of 'I know how you feel' etc? If so maybe she just feels there is no comparison between your losses? She might feel hers was more traumatic as she was in her second trimester and just doesn't want to discuss it with you because it upsets her to hear you conflate the two.

Note: this is not what I think. I'm just thinking about it coldly and objectively and that's the first thing that sprung to mind. I in no way think should be competitions over who has the right to feel the most grief.

Sorry OP I cross posted with you.