AIBU to wonder why my friend who had a recent miscarriage deleted me and DH from FB (we have both had recent losses)

[NooNooHead1981]

My friend had a miscarriage at 15 weeks, which was understandably awful and very hard to deal with. I had an ectopic pregnancy and surgery in March before her pregnancy and miscarriage, but ever since she became pregnant (after my loss), she has been very 'off' with me and not spoken to me on the school runs/in the street etc. She even said to a mutual friend that our friendship has gone sour. Not once has she explained why she has snubbed me nor spoken to me about her loss, and despite her being supportive after my ectopic, she didn't want any support from me at all after hers.

I am finding it very tough right now as my brother who has terminal cancer has days left to live, so perhaps I am being very oversensitive here. She wasn't a particularly close friend, but we have both been through losses and I just want to know what I have done wrong. I don't feel I can go and talk to her as during her stay in hospital, our mutual friends told me not to message her. I did send her a card and a gift, but have never openly messaged her about things. I wonder if I had ignored my friends' advice, and spoken to her, things would have been easier?

She did send me a message after I cancelled a recent playdate saying that she had to psyche herself up for the playdate, so me cancelling was not great (which I can understand), but I was perplexed by her comment that she had to put her personal feelings aside to meet up. I wonder if my loss was too hurtful and reminded her of her miscarriage?

I know I am overanalysing things, but deleting me off FB is one thing; deleting my DH who has done nothing wrong is another. Who is BU?

Oh gosh; I'm sorry, I misread.

I think in that case she may have wanted to avoid you to start with, and then sadly her pregnancy ended too. In a weird way, she may view this type of event as having entered her life (i.e. her frame of reference) because of you. Obviously this is complete BS, but people think in odd ways....

Thank you crikey it is extremely upsettting, but given that I've been traumatised by my brother nearly dying over the past couple of days, it hasn't been an easy week. She also hurt me by not once even asking about my brother which, some will say, is the least of her worries, but when someone has family problems that are knowlingly about to end in tragedy, you at least out of kindness say 'I'm sorry' no matter how shit you feel. Even if that is the only thing you say, at least it shows some kind of compassion. I tried to show compassion towards her after her loss, yet have been totally pushed away.

Sorry to rant - I am getting all worked up over something like this, when my energy should be focused on my poor DB. It's been a long old week.

Generally when a friendship goes sour like this, the reason is pretty obvious to all concerned. It's curious that you don't have any inkling why, suggests to me that it was not a close or mutual friendship.
The way that you are comparing bereavements as if there were a pecking order is very insensitive. Grief is not a competition. True friends would not compare their agonies in this way.
I think she doesn't like you and you need to accept that. It doesn't matter why.
Ditch the stirring mutual friend, and focus on people who are important in your life, and on being kind. The better friends will then appear.

Yes you need to focus on your brother. Sounds as though you are projecting your grief rather.

She may not have actually scrutinised her own feelings this much op. I have noted in RL that often when people are feeling angry and don't know why, they will select a random simple, physically apparent reason and go 'AH YES THAT MUST BE IT' rather than thinking 'Maybe I'm just feeling sad because of my deep-seated grief at my loss'. They then confuse the fuck out of everyone by massively over-reacting to non-events instead of realising or acknowledging what's really upsetting them. It's very sad for them, but terribly confusing for others.

Please don't take it personally op.

Oh come on... I've never compared our losses at any point and you totally missed what I just wrote.

It is the lack of information and reason for her ending the friendship, not the lack of compassion from me or 'comparing my grief'. Did you read that she had been off with me BEFORE she became pregnant? I am not unkind, nor am I comparing anything. Try not to make out as though I am at all, that is just misreading the previous and my original posts.

And when did I ever say grief was a competition?! SHE is the one not talking to me and being off with me after my ectopic and before her pregnancy and loss, so when does comparing losses and grief even come into it then?

I think some people are missing the point here. I haven't started this thread as a grief comparison, or competition to decide who had the worst loss. I am just asking what I may have done to upset her so much given that she was off with me BEFORE her pregnancy and loss. Which then made the situation with her ignoring me ten times worse.

For those who don't quite grasp that, there it is in black and white.

I am not being insenstive, nor am I 'projecting my grief'. Goodness, anyone would think I'd been bloody horrible to the woman.

Perhaps she was upset that you were pregnant and she wasn't? And then felt guilty when you had an ectopic pregnancy. Also, once some people start down a path of distancing themselves for any reason, they sometimes find it hard to backtrack, apologise and make amends, even if they regret how they've behaved.

I can't speak for other posters op, but I think she was scared by what you went through and terrified it would happen to her. In her mind, that fear may have come true. Hence, avoidance. Nothing you did wrong, at all.

I never said it did.... seekingsugar seemed to think I was 'projecting my grief' and comparing losses.

It seems like the whole point of this thread has been lost somewhat, and I'm not sure why or how this happened.

Thank you LaContessa - at least some people on here speak sense and are reading the original post properly.

I wanted opinions as to whether she was BU in her reaction to ending our friendship. Nothing wrong in asking for opinions or advice is there?

op. It's shit to be ostracized for your past, esp when it's something tou had absolutely no control over and when they can't admit to you (or themselves) why they are doing it.

There also may be no reason. Which is hard because it means you can't fix it. But that doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, or anything to feel bad about.

As for her being UR....objectively, yes. However, I don't think she'd admit it for a long time yet, if she even realises.

No you've missed what I wrote. You are telling yourself you are not comparing losses but it is very apparent from your posts that you are. Lack of insight there.

Same with your brother's terminal illness. It is quite clear that you are projecting your grief about this by focusing on your hurt about your ex friend. You're focused on that when of course your focus should be on family at this time. That's what projection is. Lack of insight again.

Loss is tough and it's normal to struggle with it.

You may not like what I say but I can assure you that as someone who has experienced multiple family bereavements including children, grief does weird stuff to us.
In the kindest possible way you need to get offline and focus on positive ways to get through your current grief.

If she wants to totally end your friendship I don't think she's gone about it in a particularly mature way.

Thank you LaContessa

Yes, it is. I didn't ask to have an ectopic, nor did I ever predict she would become pregnant so soon after and have such a devastating loss. I am going to see how things go and maybe send her a text to ask for a chat in a few weeks, if things go well, then I will take it from there.

I'm sorry Seeking - you are probably right. I am probably projecting my grief but it doesn't mean I am lacking in compassion etc. Yes, I probably do need to get offline and process my grief: grief about my loss of health/head injury, the life changes that has brought about, and grief about my ectopic too. And the grief that will happen when my DB goes.

But maybe I don't know how to deal with this grief offline, and perhaps projecting onto my friend and analysing this is the only way I know how at the moment. It is so hard, and life doesn't seem fair at times.

Not really, I guess we weren't that close. Sorry, I didn't mean to take what you said so personally. I guess I am hurting a lot at the moment.