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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up work and become a SAHM?

414 replies

YouAreMySunshine9 · 28/07/2017 10:26

This is more of a 'what would you do' but I suppose I am posting here for trafficking Blush Have name changed as the figures I give will out me.

First DC is due soonish and I'm thinking, after maternity leave, that I should give up my job because financially, it's not worth it and I want to SAH with DC as it'll have more benefits to it?

Myself and DH are both low earners. I earn just under £20K, he earns £21K.

We aren't entitled to anything with us both working, but, somehow top ups would make us better off if one of us didn't work? Hmm

I'm quite a poorly person, I have an autoimmunity disease so I have a feeling working just to pay childcare (if it even ends up covering that?) and missing out in DC's first for it will send me into despair.

My concern is... The whole career break thing. I would go back to work when DC is a few/3 years old but I'm not sure how it'd impact my job prospects. I work as a Medical Secretary in the NHS.

I would say work part time, but I'm not sure we'd get any help there either and it's a lot of huge effort just to fork out to pay for childcare.

What would you do?

I'm really worried Sad

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 30/07/2017 19:48

Maternity pay is for a very short period and the person has to have worked for x weeks and earned a certain amount to qualify. You never have to have worked to get tax credits and they can be claimed for goodness knows how many years.

Employers often pay enhanced pay to retain good workers as it pays them back over time and society benefits as children of working parents have a good role model and see that you need to earn money rather than expect others to earn it and hand it over to them via benefits.

Riversleep · 30/07/2017 19:55

alabama I'm extrapolating from the extreme my poor uptake of the current shared parental leave allowances for men. And how exactly would businesses be expected to run if swathed of their workforce took 6 months leave off at a time? I think it would be brilliant if more men too their 6 months shared leave, but they don't. Maybe because the mothers don't want to lose their 6 months, or maybe they are it as career suicide or maybe they just don't want to be at home all day with a 6 month old baby. There is no way if they dont take one block of 6 mo ths they are goingvto take 3 blocks spread out over 3 years, all for a benegit that is unproven. And I would never vote for a party that offered 3 years paid parental leave either. The ones that do are usually far right, and it's for the purposes of getting women out of the workforce.

TheNightmanCometh · 30/07/2017 19:55

They wouldn't be worse off though, there's no way childcare for one child costs £20k a year. The OP hasn't looked into vouchers etc as quite clearly never planned to go back to work.

  1. OP said childcare plus commute, not childcare alone.
  2. OP has looked into vouchers.

They're in the south east, so more expensive commute and childcare. 20k plus 5% pension contributions, which is tame for the NHS, is slightly over £1300 a month. Childcare vouchers save a max of £160 per couple per month. It's absolutely, definitely, without a shadow of a doubt possible for a full time childcare place and a large commute into London to take up the whole of that figure. It just is. Maybe OP is bullshitting anyway, but you simply can't make that assumption based on the figures given.

Riversleep · 30/07/2017 19:56

Sorry about the terrible typo's Blush

PurpleMinionMummy · 30/07/2017 19:57

We don't need a raise in taxes. If all the businesses with accountants advising them on how to legally avoid tax coughed up what they morally should, I think the sahp's would be covered for a few short years.

Obviously it's ok to advise businesses on how to avoid tax and for them to do so though. The real drain on society are those claiming a bit of extra child tax credit for a few years. Despite both being legal the latter is obviously far more morally reprehensible Hmm

Stickerrocks · 30/07/2017 19:58

The onus was almost on the employer to top up the MP during mat leave to encourage the employee to return at the end of 6 months. Some would pay a basic amount for the full 6 months which was repayable if you left work within 12 months of returning. I know one colleague who did her best to conceive babies no. 2 & 3 within as short a space of time as possible so she could get a full time equivalent mat pay package whilst minimising her actual time back at work. You had no flexible working rights then, so she had to juggle.

MissAlabamaWhitman · 30/07/2017 19:58

Oh Bluntness stop being so tedious and actually take a moment to read my posts.
I am a working parent, always have been.

Also I'm quite proficient at getting my thrills far away from the boards of mumsnet Grin

rachrach2 · 30/07/2017 20:14

I haven't read all the posts but I saw you said you'd keep looking locally for after may leave. This is what I'd do in your situation. I wouldn't tell work you don't intend to go back yet (easier in an interview if you are currently employed albeit on mat leave). Then you can look for more local/part time roles when you're off.

I was worse off for 3 months after going back to work after my second mat leave (until my eldest was three and got some funded hours). I certainly would have considered a career break otherwise.

TrishanFlips · 30/07/2017 20:20

I think it would be better for you to be a SAHM. Your work as commute sound at to hard especially if you have poor health also. In the bigger picture you free up a job, someone who is not working takes it and comes off benefits, you get benefits. So tax payer is no worse off. But get your 12 months maternity and then decide.

redphonebox · 30/07/2017 20:29

Well it's your choice OP. If it's not illegal and you're entitled to it then crack on I guess.

Morally I don't think it's the right thing to do but you can't please everyone I guess.

bumblingbovine49 · 30/07/2017 20:34

Everyone who takes their full maternity leave entitlement of 12 months received some state aid (unless you are lucky enough to have an employer who pays more than the Statutory minimum) I think arguments about never choosing to rely on state aid on principle are disingenuous given that most mothers takes state aid to help to help with maternity leave and also nursery care.

I do however agree that adults remember their later childhood years much better than their early ones. Also completely financially relying on a DP is unwise for all sorts of reasons that others on this thread have explained. I would work (after taking a year of maternity leave) . It will only be on year of full time childcare that needs paying for (age 2-3 years old).

After that, the 30 hrs of free nursery kicks in which helps a lot. Then school which means childcare costs drop even more (just holidays and wrap around care needed)

roundaboutshuh · 30/07/2017 22:07

Please don't give up your job whilst bathed in the rose coloured glasses of first pregnancy! Easy to do not very tough for some people to go back to work..,,

Short term yes it's not financially worthwhile to work, but looking at the bigger picture -

  • flexibility to negotiate hours / conditions once you've returned to work
  • pension payments. It's really hard to get those back in the family budget. Ask many of the mums on here...
  • a bloody break from feeding/ changing nappies / blah blah
  • paid sick leave should you need it. Not many people can recover from sickness with a crying / puking bundle of joy to somehow deal with. I say this having had no illness just general coughs / colds / catching baby's D&V etc.

I earned just pennies per week for going back to work. I didn't have to go back, DH could have supported us easily. I really cherished the time with my baby after I did return PT. It was lovely to step out of baby world for a while and do something else. It's almost impossible to imagine how great it is to return to your old self after having children - just to keep you feeling sane.

Autumnleaves105 · 30/07/2017 22:17

I also am quite unwell. Auto immune disease, arthritis and an unpredictable stomach condition that causes sickness and general illness.
I took a lot of time off sick which led to me being extremely stressed, exasperating my conditions. I'm on a lot of medication with side effects. I had a child, a very complicated early delivery.
I'm not planning on going back to work soon. I get what I'm entitled to as any working mum is. I don't claim anything else. We live on my husbands wages which isn't s lot but we manage.
I think it is down to personal choice and what you can afford to do. My husband would prefer me to stay ar home and raise our son, than bust a gut, being already in poor health.
I am by no means work shy and have worked hard up to becoming unwell. If my conditions become more manageable I would gladly go back to work, even if it's part time.
Only you know what's right for you whether people agree or not.

user1468353179 · 30/07/2017 22:22

So you want to have a baby and live off other people's money while you stay at home. Totally unfair, that's not what the welfare state is for.

gandalf456 · 30/07/2017 22:39

The welfare state is for people so they don't have to struggle on working in poor health out of misplaced pride or financial necessity - or to avoid stigma. It is there to prop up families with the very need above, in fact.

Janeinthemiddle · 30/07/2017 23:23

Not sure which childcare you're referring to that's so expensive if you're earning £20k and can just about to afford it?

I'm just wondering as I'm earning £16k full time and will be going back to work as i would still be £200 better off after childcare. (I will not take any benefits & tax relief etc)
Although it's disheartening as I'll be working full time only to bring home £200 a month :(

Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest · 30/07/2017 23:33

SlothMama Sun 30-Jul-17 19:48:22
Personally I wouldn't want the state to fund me being a SAHM to be honest, if you can work you should be unless your partner's salary allows you to stay at home.

Simply put just this. And this is where our benefit system fails - it should fund those in need, not those who have a choice.

I was in your position OP - from the northeast, NHS worker, what differs is that I didn't have the luxury of an OH's wage, I was a single parent. It was back in the time when I could have been a SAHM on full benefits - rent paid, council tax paid, tax credits.

I have what is considered a relatively good wage for the northeast, by no means 'wealth', more comfortable. The NHS is a fantastic employer i.e flexi and 'pro parent' - plus the generous childcare vouchers that's offered.

Anyway, by the by, you simply can't afford to be a SAHM in your family situation and it shouldn't be an option. This is why people get riled up about the benefit system, you've a combined income of 41,000. Support your children on that.

Pru24 · 31/07/2017 18:27

Bugger what everyone else thinks and be a sahm, your child would rather have a parent with them full time than u go to Work & dont we have children to be their parents? Granted, no one knows how they will get on as a parent until they are one but as someone who has worked in nurserys, i get pissed off with people who have kids & then get a childminder/nursery to bring them up when there are choices to be made, ensuring you bring up your child! Using the funding which is goverment paid is no different to recieving a goverment top up! Either way your either using goverment funds to go to Work & missing out your childs first few years or take the top up & get to share, enjoy & bring up your child for the first few years. Best thing i did was sahm & im lucky i got too, im fully aware some people have to Work & it cant be helped but if you can find a way to be a SAHM then why wouldnt you. I repeat aswell, funded childcare & benefit top ups are both goverment paid so its down to choice when comparing the two.

Hibas · 31/07/2017 22:43

" I get pissed off with people who have kids & then get a childminder/nursery to bring them up"

So according to you, mothers who work don't bring up their children?!

Pru24 · 01/08/2017 00:51

Hibas

"i am fully aware some people have to Work & it cant be helped" is another quote from my opinion that i posted in response to the op. Do u have an opinion for the op? Its my opinion that when you have a child that it is your job to bring them up & childminder/nurserys should only be used as a last option. The first 5 years for a child is massive for a childs development. How many people posted saying they went back to Work as soon as possible or regretted being a SAHM?? How can someone regret being there for the child they chose to have? (and yes i know it can make things harder in the long run i.e. trying to get a job after 5 years of not working, by being a SAHM but we chose to have the child & you deal with it) And again it is clear after working in a nursery there is a portion of parents (whether you agree or not, there are parents like this, never said anyone on here was one) who use it because they dont want the hassle themselves, would rather Work or dont want to be around the child they chose to have.

Hibas · 01/08/2017 01:55

"Its my opinion that when you have a child that it is your job to bring them up & childminder/nurserys should only be used as a last option. How can someone regret being there for the child they chose to have?"

Parents that work are bringing up their children. Hoe dare you judge people like this and belittle how hard they work to provide for their children? And it's fine for people who can't be bothered to work to stay at home when they are capable of working, and take money from people who have to work and use what the childcare that you call a 'last option'?

Then you imply that working parents "are not there" for their children. Very clever, goady use of language.

Yes, I have a view. Your nasty, spiteful comments are disgusting and insulting to the very people you expect to pay for the OP's lifestyle and you should be ashamed of what you have said here, it's vile.

Hibas · 01/08/2017 01:59

Excuse the typos, I've been travelling for two days so am exhausted. But I stand by my response. You are being goady and plain nasty. There's no need for it. Go and take a good look at yourself.

elfinpre · 01/08/2017 02:06

There are such a bunch of Daily Fail readers on these boards at times, it's shameful.

oddsocks76 · 01/08/2017 02:11

I get minimal benefits, in my circumstances (single mum) I could get more but I want to set a good example for my daughter. I hope that if she see's that mum works she will want too work also. It is tough at times I wont deny that. Best of luck either way x

oddsocks76 · 01/08/2017 02:15

But hearing your littleones first words, seeing first steps, it's a tough call x

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