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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to stop describing anyone she thinks odd/boring/different from her as 'on the spectrum'?

74 replies

Wisterical · 28/07/2017 00:45

Today felt like the final straw when she said that she though 'half the people' in the village she's just moved to are 'on the spectrum'.

She's a very dear friend and I want to explain to her in a calm and informative way why I find her casually overusing this phrase really fucking offensive. But I'm worried I'm just going to get upset when I talk to her about it, or that she'll get defensive, so I'm wondering if it's a good idea and if anyone has dealt with this before and has advice on how best to approach it?

Background is I have an adult son with Asperger's (which is why I get bit emotional about this) and she is a child psychologist (with no specialist knowledge of autism - obviously!)

OP posts:
potatoscowls · 28/07/2017 00:47

Aargh as an autistic person this boils my piss so much. Argh.
Please say something to her.

planetclom · 28/07/2017 01:07

I will join you. It is annoying.

SerfTerf · 28/07/2017 01:12

Just tell her. It's a terrible habit for someone in her profession.

Anon8604 · 28/07/2017 01:18

No advice about how to approach it, but I agree it's offensive and she should be asked to stop. Does she know your son has Aspergers? Could you start by saying you feel strongly about this because of your son? It might help make it a bit more personal and less likely to be interpreted as a criticism of her?

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/07/2017 01:35

Are you sure she means the Autistic Spectrum? Seems odd that as a child psychologist she has no understanding of it. Could she perhaps mean personality disorders or something instead?

If you are sure that she does mean AS then I think losing your rag might be the best way. "FFS! Not everyone who you dont like is on the fucking spectrum! Will you PLEASE stop saying this, its so offensive!"

BuzzKillington · 28/07/2017 01:39

I have a friend that does this. She can't mention her husband without saying 'he is on the spectrum'. He may well be, but she doesn't know for sure.

I've noticed lots of people bandying this phrase around. I agree it can be insensitive/offensive.

faithinthesound · 28/07/2017 03:09

Say something. I'm sick of my condition being used as catch-all scapegoat for anyone that's a bit odd. Or behaves badly. Bad behavior doesn't always mean autism! Stop bloody speculating with no information except "bad behavior"!

Rhubarbtart9 · 28/07/2017 03:31

I expect a child psychologist would know if someone was on the spectrum. Sorry I know that's not the answer you want.

However her statement about half the village being on the spectrum was very sweeping and just daft really. Quite inappropriate.

WellThisIsShit · 28/07/2017 03:38

"I expect a child psychologist would know if someone was on the spectrum"

Which makes it all the more crass and inappropriate!

Rhubarbtart9 · 28/07/2017 03:55

Yes I've already said it's inappropriate

Incitatis · 28/07/2017 04:02

Only a child psychologist who has experience and training on autism might be able to identify a person on the spectrum. It's not like diagnosing a broken leg, there is no tick box of signs and symptoms.

OP, your friend sounds stupid and ignorant. You should call her on it. Autism is hugely misunderstood and this is the reason why we end up isolated and with mental health problems. I am 'odd', 'boring' and 'different' due to my aspergers and it hurts that I'm constantly judged by people. People like your friend.

AztecHero · 28/07/2017 05:40

I agree it is offensive, stupid and ignorant.

And a child psychologist ought to both know better AND be more professional.

I hate it if someone is behaving badly there is a throwaway comment; 'Oh I think he must be on the spectrum' (SIL I am looking at you. )

olliegarchy99 · 28/07/2017 05:54

Your friend sounds very intolerant if she is unable to accept that half the people where she lives are so odd/boring/differant they must be autistic to some degree.
Not everyone (thank goodness) acts the way she obviously thinks they should. We are all unique and her attitude is insulting to not only people who are genuinely on the spectrum but also to those who do not fit her criteria for being not odd/boring.
She should not be a child psychologist 'or live in a village' with her attitude.

Clandestino · 28/07/2017 06:00

As a niece of two child psychologists I sympathise with you deeply. It seems to modify your brain in strange ways.
One of my aunts once took my nephew who is not autistic to a summer camp for autistic children. He came back and said he will never ever go back again. Not because of the children. He had a great time and didn't perceive them any different from children not on the spectrum. But the high concentration of child psychologists was driving him bananas, according to him it was a bunch of nutters treating everyone like they were little babies, including talking to each other in a way normally reserved to toddlers or puppies.
So put it down to professional deforestation but definitely call her up on it.

x2boys · 28/07/2017 06:50

Yes it's annoying it's overused on here too I,m the .mother of a severely autistic little boy so it does gall a bit when somebody says they have seen a child behaving badly and you get thousands of posts of he could have asd etc,having said that I was a mental health nurse for years and I would in my head 'diagnose people with personality disorders 'but I never said it out loud but can see where she's coming from

ThePurpleSheep · 28/07/2017 07:34

I wish people would stop using the phrase 'on the spectrum' to describe anyone with (or who they think has) autism. No they are a person with autism. They are not ON anything and the autistic spectrum is not THE only spectrum. So that phrase is not only offensive it is also inaccurate.

Btw the most commonly known about spectrum is the spectrum of light/colour. So whenever I hear the phrase 'on the spectrum' I imagine people sitting on a rainbow. But that is probably because I have autism....

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 28/07/2017 07:56

It sounds like she is using it as a replacement for the R word. YANBU, she should know better.

pallasathena · 28/07/2017 08:37

I've noticed that people who do this are often signposting their pathetically perceived superiority.
Back in the day, the odd sexist/racist comment would be used to signal 'difference' or 'rightness'. That's now against the law and rightly so...but targeting people psychologically isn't...yet.
She sounds like a bit of a twat actually.
I'd definitely call her out on her ill judged perceptions making the point that insecurity and the desire to negatively label random people, signals that a series of counselling sessions could prove very, very helpful.

Original poster
Wisterical · 28/07/2017 09:19

I definitely will call her on it. I was worried I'm too touchy about it but posts, particularly from people with autism, back up that it's offensive, ignorant and isolating language. I'm just going to tell her best I can and if I get upset so what - it is upsetting and it's okay for her to see that I guess.

kipperbang yes she means the 'autistic spectrum' because she casually says 'oh he's SO autistic' too. rhubarb I don't think psychologists or anyone else are able diagnose random strangers/acquaintances with any condition, autism is massively varied and in my experience most professionals are highly ignorant about it (whilst seeming to think they are well informed!).

OP posts:
uglyflowers · 28/07/2017 09:29

My son who is dyspraxic was referred to as 'spectrummy' by a friend of mine a while ago.

Liiinoo · 28/07/2017 09:32

My DN is autistic. Before she was born her mum (my DB's ex wife) was one of those people who 'didn't believe' in autism, she thought it was an excuse parents gave for badly behaved children. She has now gone to the other extreme and now labels anyone who doesn't react or behave exactly as she does as being 'on the spectrum'. It drives me mad.

Original poster
Wisterical · 28/07/2017 09:39

Spectrummy!! fuck's sake that's ridiculous and awful - did you say anything uglyflowers?

OP posts:
allina · 28/07/2017 09:48

It's incredibly ignorant and rude. Both me and my DS have been diagnosed with autism (full NHS diagnosis, not just a self diagnosis) and it's extremely irritating encountering people who think every random bit of behaviour in other people is autistic! It's an incredibly long and difficult process to gain a diagnosis, and it has to affect the person's daily life to a critical degree. A NT person with a few quirks that doesn't really affect them is nothing like someone who has hit the threshold for diagnosis and is experiencing severe difficulties in the triad of impairments. It really undermines what we have to suffer as autistic people to label every mild behaviour as 'on the spectrum'. You definitely must say something OP.

nina2b · 28/07/2017 10:20

We are all on the spectrum, to some extent.

Incitatis · 28/07/2017 10:29

We are all on the spectrum, to some extent.

Ffs, do you know how wrong that statement is?

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