To ask my friend to stop describing anyone she thinks odd/boring/different from her as 'on the spectrum'?

[Wisterical]

Today felt like the final straw when she said that she though 'half the people' in the village she's just moved to are 'on the spectrum'.

She's a very dear friend and I want to explain to her in a calm and informative way why I find her casually overusing this phrase really fucking offensive. But I'm worried I'm just going to get upset when I talk to her about it, or that she'll get defensive, so I'm wondering if it's a good idea and if anyone has dealt with this before and has advice on how best to approach it?

Background is I have an adult son with Asperger's (which is why I get bit emotional about this) and she is a child psychologist (with no specialist knowledge of autism - obviously!)

YANBU OP

I have a friend who's training to be a psychologist, and she often says that she has mild OCD. I called her out on it once, and asked her if she actually had OCD, as she says it a lot. She just gave a tinkly little laugh and said that she doesn't and was just joking

HelloPossums OCD can be mild or severe or in between.

But I get you in that it is annoying and offensive when people who know they don't have it at all joke about it.

I have no problem with self-diagnosis. Those that can get any sort of NHS mental health help these days are the lucky few so if someone reads a book/website/ has a friend with ASD, OCD etc and their own symptoms suddenly make sense and they try self-help to deal with it etc I completely understand. But those that glibly say the have it when they know they don't just piss me off

Bootygirl
When my teenager told some if his friends about his diagnosis, one of them challenge him and told him he was wrong as he didn't display a particular symptom. They would not let it lie. My son was really upset and angry.

Also OP
What she is doing is facile and inappropriate but what I find really horrific is that she is using it as a term of distaste.

It is awful that she is a psychologist.

What is her specialism (idle curiosity)?

PugonToast That is awful. Your poor DS. I cannot understand why kids can be so cruel. to you snd your son.

There was a girl in my class at secondary school who had some kind of virus and was exhausted and weak and ill for a long time after that. I am not exaggerating when I say she was like that for years,. She eventually got a diagnosis of ME and then when her classmates found out she was told "You're pretending- if you had that, you'd be in bed/unable to walk/off school" I have no idea why kids get so overinvested in people's health conditions as to question to truth of them? I cannot understand this at all.

MauiBride I completely understand that OCD could present itself in different people as mild or severe, or anything else in between. It was more the fact that, as you say, she made a really unfunny and inappropriate 'joke' about having it. She said that she could joke about it because she's training to be a psychologist

We are all on the spectrum, to some extent.
1, This is a really patronising comment and every time I hear it I want to punch the ignorant twat that says it.
2, It's the AUTISTIC spectrum - if you're not autistic you're not on it.

Saw my friend today and didn't say anything, despite being sure I would, and having worked out (thanks to this thread) how to express it well. I'm really frustrated with myself. She even said she'd met her neighbour and thought she was probably 'on the spectrum' so I had easy way in to discussing it. I think it's because I reckon I'll get teary about it because of having a son with autism and I'm just exhausted with facing up to other peoples ignorance over the years. And sad about the difficulties he experiences (so get weepy a bit easily at times) though hugely proud of how amazing he is.

Maybe it's because of her job that she's so casual about it, she often lightheartedly 'diagnoses' lots of conditions and today did that crap thing mentioned above referring to her 'ocd need' to check the gas hobs before we left the house. It's the 'on the spectrum' comments I've noticed most I guess because it's such a part of my life.

I need to deal with this, perhaps an email might be easier.

Drspouse she's a clinical child psychologist.

So she's got a good deal of training in autism though she probably can't diagnose (we and a friend have both had CAMHS involvement recently). She may have a sub specialism which could in theory be autism. She should know a heck of a lot better.
Maybe ask her if she does the diagnosis professionally? If she does she's way out of line pretending to do it outside work and if she does she's being really unprofessional too.

To be honest, I don't think a child psychologist neccesarily is experienced enough to 'pick' autism.

When dd was 5, I had very serious concerns about her. Her behaviour was very challenging and she had begun to self harm. Teachers through I was mad, community pead 'diagnosed' sibling rivalry and ew were discharged. I self-referred to a local early intervention service and saw a child clinical psych for a year. I said I was convinced dd had ASD, but she threw the 'we are all on the spectrum' line to me. She thought I was a little neurotic because I'd lost a dd to stillbirth previously .

After 20-ish sessions, she said she was unable to help us any further and was going to refer us to private treatment at the Tavistock. In the meantime, at the age of 6, dd begun to self harm with knives. We were referred to cahms (previously were told we were well under the threshold). We still weren't on the ASD pathway though. One session with a family therapist at cahms, and they put us on the ASD pathway.

Yes, dd is a girl who masks, but a child psych should be able to fucking well get it. They should certainly know what we are not all on the spectrum! she doesnt have blond hair does she

I know someone who is a child psych who can diagnose autism. It was an extra training. So clearly some can but some can't!

It isn't relevant if she can or can't diagnose. She is using the term as an insult and after brief encounters. She sound like an arsehole tbh

YY pug.

Well it kind of is because if she can she's breaching professional etiquette even more.

I was thinking of rainbows too :)

She sounds bloody immature.

I am a couples therapist. Over the years I have innumerable people say to me they have/are OCD. In all that time I have only had one client who actually had a genuine diagnosis of the condition. For the others it meant that they were very controlling about certain aspects of their life or home and their partner was expected to accommodate them because they 'had OCD'.

Life is a lot less stressful if you stop getting worked up by daft things people say.
If no harm is intended then just roll your eyes and thank god you are not as ignorant.

@Gottagetmoving
Really?
Actually when referring to someone as having autism is used as an insult, it isn't daft. Or silly. Or unimportant.

It is hateful and nasty. And we should challenge it every single time.

Would you refer to racial slurs as "daft"?

Stop being so condescending and understand that people are hurt by disablist speech.

I think the sentiment of Gottagetmoving is right. A friend of mine who suffers with depression once expressed her upset at people saying "I'm a bit depressed" for reasons similar to the OP's. Once you start to get to know families with children with autism and adults (with and without a formal diagnosis), you can start to see some of the traits and behaviours there in others. Anyone I've come across who mentions these traits in themselves is often trying to show empathy and understanding, rather than using it as a put down or insult. If they mention it in connection with others, it's been to better understand their behaviour and mannerisms and to improve the way they deal with them. Having said that, I work in an environment with many people who definitely are on the autistic spectrum, with no formal diagnosis, but excellent coping mechanisms.

Just do it. I have spoken to friends about using the word retard before. If you explain why it isn't acceptable and why it hurts people she should take it well and will probably be mortified that she was using the term.

@Hillarious
But that isn't the way it is being used here. It is being used as a slur. And shouldn't be tolerated.

PugOnToast - but that's the way the thread is heading - assuming that any reference to autism is intended as a slur, along the lines of "retard" as a pp mentioned.

Really?Actually when referring to someone as having autism is used as an insult, it isn't daft. Or silly.Or It is hateful and nasty. And we should challenge it every single time. Would you refer to racial slurs as "daft"? Stop being so condescending and understand that people are hurt by disablist speech

But that's not what I was talking about now, is it?
I wasn't talking about it being used as an insult. I was talking about ignorance. Challenging sounds aggressive...educating is much better.
You don't have to get worked up about it. You can recognise casual comments as ignorance and an opportunity to educate.
I know people get hurt by hateful comments but it's the intention that matters. If it's ignorance don't get all hurt...if it's aggression and intended to hurt, then challenge.