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AIBU?

HV called me foolish (sort of)

108 replies

Mrsknackered · 27/07/2017 17:56

HV came to visit a couple months ago after barely 6 month old caught chicken pox. She was a bit Hmm that he wasn't sleeping through the night and was still walking up often for BFing.
I cracked after 8 solid months of shitty sleep and text her excruciatingly early this morning asking her if she had any advise or if there were any sleep class/clinics/whatever available.
She has just called me now and said that I should send DS1 away to stay with relatives for a few days and put DS2 in the upstairs bedroom. I am then to leave him to cry aka controlled crying. I said I'm not prepared to do controlled crying as he works himself up in a state even if he sees me edge towards the door and as he is standing he smacks his head against the top of his cot. She then said 'I think it's foolish of you to refuse to try controlled crying as it's the only technique that I have seen work in my 25 years'
A neighbour also told me that HV said to her that she can't help her get onto council housing because all the slovakians are filling them up' (this was after I told her what she had said to me today)
So now I have absolutely no fucking idea what to do about his (lack of) sleep - and mine - and also think she should be reported for racism and just being pretty fecking unhelpful!!

OP posts:
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RadioGaGoo · 27/07/2017 19:44

The same could be said about your advice LapinR0se - absolutely unnecessary and not helping him or the OP.

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LaurieMarlow · 27/07/2017 19:47

Well I presume the OP doesn't actively want to end up with a 2 year old who only sleeps in 2 hour stretches RadioGaGoo.

And I think 'getting some sleep' actually would help both the OP and her DS.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

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Claireshh · 27/07/2017 19:52

I used the no cry sleep solution. There are lots of suggestions in the book but this is what worked for me.

Put one teddy/comforter in the cot. Give the baby milk etc. Lie baby down in the cot. The baby will go wah wah wah wah. You stay in the room. There will be a natural pause in the crying. You then say 'shhhh shhh shhhh sleepy time'. Nothing else. Don't pick the baby up. The baby will immediately start crying again. The baby will pause say the phrase again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. If the baby wakes in the night do the same thing. 'Shhhh shhh shh sleepy time' only when there is a pause in the crying.

Over time the gaps between the cries get shorter and shorter. Eventually you will be able to say the words and there will be no more crying. It's very gentle because you are there until they fall asleep. You are reassuring them whilst giving them the skills to self settle. It's not a quick fix but is so worth the investment in my opinion. X

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Ladybirdgal · 27/07/2017 19:57

I have no advice regarding the sleep issues; however, if you are unhappy with your health visitor then you are well within your right to request for someone else.

I've recently just finished up spending a few weeks with the health visitors in a learning environment and asked what would happen if a parent was unhappy with their HV. You'd have to contact the centre to request it but they'd have to comply with your wishes.

I do hope that you're able to sort out the sleep situation with DS2 soon!

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RadioGaGoo · 27/07/2017 19:58

No Laurie, you are not wrong in your interpretation of my comment.

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Ropsleybunny · 27/07/2017 20:02

Your HV is right, controlled crying works. If you do it correctly it works really quickly but of course it's up to you.

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zzzzz · 27/07/2017 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Daffodil397 · 27/07/2017 20:09

MY friend gave me this book which was so helpful:
<a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004G5Z2PS/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">//www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004G5Z2PS/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
Gentle sleep solutions. Easy to follow options to help baby to sleep. I went for the sort of gentle cc technique, by night 3 she was sleeping much better and I was starting to become less of a zombie!
Good luck op xxx

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LaurieMarlow · 27/07/2017 20:10

They won't remember but they will absorb it.

What does this actually mean though? In reality?

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Thegirlwithnousername · 27/07/2017 20:11

I don't agree with sleep training, My LB just gets into a right tizzy like you say above OP, I actually had the same issue as I was BF too, I actually asked DH to step in and do the night's to give me a bit of a break and now he's sleeping all night, It only took a few nights of DH going in to settle him down and just offer milk he slept all night! - We still get the occasionally night wakes up but he settles without any milk or water now I think he was just in a habit of waking for milk.
Could your partner ( If you have one) step in to help?
Ignore the HV, She sounds delightful!

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YouCantArgueWithStupid · 27/07/2017 20:16

Yeah this why we disengaged with them. The 90% I met were bloody useless. NHS fund would be better spent on professionals who aren't sanctimonious arseholes

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Mulch · 27/07/2017 20:18

I sacked mine off after second visit. I sleep trained after watching hours n hours of videos on youtube talking through different sleep strategies. What works for one won't always work for another.

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TakeMe2Insanity · 27/07/2017 20:26

In my opinion hv are the devil, actually they aren't they are the lazy devils who can't be bothered.

Re sleeping we didn't do controlled crying, just lots of reassurance before actual sleep (hand holding, cuddles, shusshing) and same at night wake ups and eventually it stopped.

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MistressPage · 27/07/2017 20:30

Your HV is a massive twat. My 2 year old still doesn't always sleep through. I've always thought CC/so called 'sleep-training' was a bit if a rubbish thing to do to a child who wants comfort. But do what works for you and pay no attention to anyone else. Especially not your twat of a HV

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hungoverhippo · 27/07/2017 20:34

I wouldn't do CC as baby thinks you've left and only stops crying as they realise you're not coming back, rather than settling themselves.
Your baby is still very young too.
La leche league have a fab book called Sweet Sleep, that also focuses on bf through the night.
It's a phase that will end, but I completely empathise with your exhaustion Flowers
Co sleeping was the only thing that i found worked well & allowed us all to sleep well. So looking into safe co sleeping could be another option?

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LaurieMarlow · 27/07/2017 20:44

I wouldn't do CC as baby thinks you've left and only stops crying as they realise you're not coming back, rather than settling themselves.

Evidence for this. I'd imagine it's pretty difficult to determine what baby's are actually thinking.

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FTMom · 27/07/2017 20:51

I was in the exact same situation as writerwannabe. Except my baby was 5 months old. I finally discovered Sleep Sense when I was doing some research online. At first I was skeptical but I went ahead and read the program - it made perfect sense. sure enough by day 3 my baby was Sttn 10-12hrs and 3 naps in the daytime each at least 90 mins. It was AMAZING and my baby was SO much more settled and happier! Now I'm following Sleep Sense with my 8 week old. Started 2 weeks ago. He sleeps 5.5 - 7 hours at night and takes a nap every 1.5-2h in the daytime each at least 2-4 hours and he's much happier. I'm breastfeeding but also expressing.

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lifeisazebracrossing · 27/07/2017 20:59

I swore I'd never to sleep training but, after my DD became ever more active at night and ended up falling down the side of the bed (onto cushions!) and needing barricades put up all around my bed (obvs co-sleeping), I gave it a try to get her into the safe environment of her cot. It was so much easier than I thought. One hour crying on and off for an afternoon nap then straight to bed for 12hrs (couple of squeaks at night but no real waking). She's had a year of breastfeeding, cuddles, cosleeping, rocking and I wouldn't begrudge a second of that but she is sleeping more and better than ever (she's always been a poor sleeper). Prior to the past five days (today she had a wobble and wouldn't nap but is now down for the night - the past four days have been really good!), she would often wake for two hour stretches in the night and I never thought she'd sleep through properly. Do what's best for you. I too was Hmm at the same advice from the HV at 6 months.

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ChilliMary · 27/07/2017 21:06

Just because this lady is a HV, does not mean that she would be right all of the time. I tried controlled crying on my last one, and it was crazy - it did not work, and this is months of trying. In the end I co-slept. Everyone around was so critical of this, but this way I got quite a lot of sleep, so did my baby girl. Now, she sleeps in her own bed, and its all fine. Whenever I hear 'have to', 'you should', 'you must' regarding childcare and how to do things etc, I become very weary. Do what is best for you and your baba.

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Ragwort · 27/07/2017 21:21

I wouldn't do CC as baby thinks you've left and only stops crying as they realise you're not coming back, rather than settling themselves.

What makes you believe that? My DS learned to self settle, I never got into the rocking/feeding/cuddling to sleep - he went in his cot (in his own room, yes I know that's considered abuse on Mumsnet Hmm) and settled himself to sleep. I have no idea what he 'thought' about the process, only that I had a baby that slept from 7pm - 7am with one very quick night feed. Maybe it was just sheer luck, I've honestly no way of knowing.

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gluteustothemaximus · 27/07/2017 22:01

My HV said to me 14 years ago, that DS should not be feeding every hour (which he was, day and night) and I should not feed him until at least 4 hours has passed. He was a newborn!

It was called, and still is, feeding on demand. She was talking out of her arse, and I'd take anything a HV says with a massive pinch of salt and then kick them out

mine still feeding at night at 18 months, whoops

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Carouselfish · 27/07/2017 22:05

I did some sort of soft method, coming back in when they cried, just saying ''shhh, sleepy time' and lying them back down and going back out. Repeat approx 6 times the first night, then 4 the second, then one the third and done.
I think the 'just absorb' idea is to do with neural pathways. Their experiences create new neural pathways, the more the experiences are repeated, the more those pathways are used and the stronger they become. In later life they are the 'paths of least resistance' and used more.

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andbabymakesthree · 27/07/2017 22:08

Health visitors should be giving evidence informed advice.

She's not. Complain

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mimiholls · 27/07/2017 22:25

I'm always surprised to hear people vehemently opposed to sleep training as cruel when they have older babies or toddlers waking up every 45 mins to 2 hours. The effect of sleep deprivation on young children is well documented. If you think you're tired waking up that often how do you think the child feels? One of the kindest things you can do for a child is help it learn how to get a good night's sleep and to promote good sleep habits imo. You don't have to do controlled crying though and it's a bit lazy of the hv to suggest that's the only option. If you do some research there are methods that don't involve tears but take longer so you need to be committed. The worst thing you can do is try cc when you're not fully on board and give up half way through as you will have a lot of upset for nothing and a confused child. You can definitely crack this though and 8 months is not too young to be sleeping well.

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Babynamechange · 27/07/2017 22:26

Elizabeth Pantley no cry sleep solution.... absolutely brilliant!

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