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AIBU?

HV called me foolish (sort of)

108 replies

Mrsknackered · 27/07/2017 17:56

HV came to visit a couple months ago after barely 6 month old caught chicken pox. She was a bit Hmm that he wasn't sleeping through the night and was still walking up often for BFing.
I cracked after 8 solid months of shitty sleep and text her excruciatingly early this morning asking her if she had any advise or if there were any sleep class/clinics/whatever available.
She has just called me now and said that I should send DS1 away to stay with relatives for a few days and put DS2 in the upstairs bedroom. I am then to leave him to cry aka controlled crying. I said I'm not prepared to do controlled crying as he works himself up in a state even if he sees me edge towards the door and as he is standing he smacks his head against the top of his cot. She then said 'I think it's foolish of you to refuse to try controlled crying as it's the only technique that I have seen work in my 25 years'
A neighbour also told me that HV said to her that she can't help her get onto council housing because all the slovakians are filling them up' (this was after I told her what she had said to me today)
So now I have absolutely no fucking idea what to do about his (lack of) sleep - and mine - and also think she should be reported for racism and just being pretty fecking unhelpful!!

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Motherbear26 · 27/07/2017 18:20

Try the Secrets of the Baby Whisperer book by Tracey Hogg. Complete game changer for us. HV is in the wrong job.

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NicolasFlamel · 27/07/2017 18:20

You don't need to sleep train. You can if you want to. I know how awful it can be and feel your pain. My daughter woke every two hours until she was 18 months old, I felt completely insane with tiredness but I just don't agree with sleep training. That's my personal stance and I obviously I had to woman up and get through the nightmare sleep because I made that choice. She's just turned two and gets off to sleep on her own and is sleeping two 6 hour chunks now with a quick cuddle in between. Never thought it would happen but she did it on her own. It was extremely draining but it was the right way for us.
You need to weigh up the pros and cons. Sleep training works for many but it's not right for everyone. You're not a fool for not doing it.

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Mrsknackered · 27/07/2017 18:20

Flogging their convo or mine? God knows how it came up in theirs but in ours I said what HV's advice had been and she said 'that's batshit, guess what she said when I asked for help with council housing, etc'
Why my neighbour needs help with council housing is none of your business but maybe having 3 tiny children in an over priced rental and very little support might have something to do with it Hmm and don't pretend you weren't judging because I regularly see you judge on people's threads and it really annoys me.

I know he's 8 months but honestly between 12-5 he gets up every 45mins - 1 hour. He is then up for the day at 5/5.30am and has great difficulty napping. I'm finding it very challenging during the day when I am so exhausted.

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LaurieMarlow · 27/07/2017 18:21

CC was one of the best things I've ever done.

We did it when DS was 9 months. It worked in two nights. He's been a brilliant sleeper ever since. The whole family have benefited from being properly rested.

He's now three, a total sweetheart (always was), has a great bond with us, happy and fun loving, mentally, socially, emotionally ahead of his peers. I'm not saying that as a boast by the way, but just to show that it has not harmed him a jot.

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gareyuho · 27/07/2017 18:25

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BamburyFuriou3 · 27/07/2017 18:27

Dd1 woke every 45 minutes until she was nearly 2 and didn't sleep through until 3. Dd2 didn't sleep through until 3 either but only woke every 2 hours. Dd1 (1yo) is the same as dd1 so I'm on my knees. So I have every sympathy with you.

My HV could only suggest CC as well - I think it really is the only method that actually works but not something I'm prepared to do. Whether you choose to or not is completely up to you.

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Mrsknackered · 27/07/2017 18:27

@CheesecakeYesPlease I loved co sleeping with DS1 he was a dream to sleep with but I absolutely hate it with DS2. He's been crawling for a few months now and wakes in the night before I wake up and crawls around the bed, or he stands up and holds on to the head board and bops up and down. He's also digs his little toes into me and pulls my hair and scratches. I love a bedtime cuddle with him but to sleep with him of a night time is an absolute mare!

@Motherbear26 Thank you for the suggestion I have an amazon voucher spare so I will be getting it!

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Anecdoche · 27/07/2017 18:28

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Callmegeoff · 27/07/2017 18:44

Yy to baby whisperer book. A few years back she was on the tv, the shows may be on you tube.

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Blazedandconfused · 27/07/2017 18:50

I think the first thing prospective parents should be told is- babies wake. A lot. It's really really shit, but they will grow out of it. And no, you can't die from tiredness.

They will grow out of it.

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HatieCockpins · 27/07/2017 18:51

The hv could have helped ops friend to get a council house by providing evidence that she needs to be rehoused for health reasons.

I would ignore the sleep advice but report the racism to her boss.

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BarbarianMum · 27/07/2017 18:56

We did sleep training with ours at 10mo/a year. I stopped night feeds and dh sat with them being soothing and armed with a bottle of water in case of thirst. Couple of nights of screaming in outrage and then - sleep.

Maybe in was horrendous and cruel but I figured that we all needed sleep more than they needed to feed at 1am, 3am and 5am.

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redphonebox · 27/07/2017 18:57

I didn't ever see my HVs after three months (where I live you don't have your own one, it's a team of people and you see whoever is available). I realised it wasn't helping and if anything was making things worse.

HVs do a lot of training and yet they all seem to offer wildly different advice. There will probably be a HV halfway down the road from you telling a mother not to do CC ever, and another one in the opposite direction advising mothers to start sleep training at 6 weeks.

If you don't click with your HV and don't agree with her methods then, as a PP said, don't see her.

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Crabbitstick · 27/07/2017 18:58

Have a look at

themilkmeg.com

www.pinkymckay.com

Useful advice and information on baby sleep and breastfeeding.

Your baby is normal! Mine didn't sleep through until 2 and is still prone to odd wake up.

I decided that my HV was pretty useless she suggested leaving a 4 month old baby to cry himself to sleep.

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Ragwort · 27/07/2017 18:58

Have you actually tried any form of sleep training - personally I used CC and it worked the very first time so I supposed I am biased, if my DS had got himself into a furious rage then my views would no doubt be different. But I do think you need to try some form of sleep training - don't end up like my friend who refused any sort of 'training' - her DDs are now teenagers and still come into her bed every single night Hmm.

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Writerwannabe83 · 27/07/2017 19:01

I sleep trained at 9 months because my baby was waking about 5 times a night between 11pm and 5am and I was on my knees. He didn't nap in the day either and life was so miserable.

One of the first things the Sleep Consultant did was tell me to move him into his own room.

Within 4 days of adjusting all his routines (as advised by the S.C), night wearing and CC I had a baby that self settled, slept through between 7.30pm-6am, and had two naps during the day in his cot each lasting 90 minutes. It was a phenomenal change.

The S.C was AMAZING and she saved my life!!

You don't have to sleep train but it just depends where your tolerance level lies. I was getting maybe 4 hours of broken sleep every 24 hours and I just couldn't cope anymore.

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Crumbs1 · 27/07/2017 19:13

I'm kind of with your health visitor. Yes they get in a bit of a state for two or three nights but then they sleep and learn to put themselves to sleep if they wake. My only adult child bad sleeper is the one we indulged and sat with, stroked patted. The rest sleep anywhere, anytime.
They weren't damaged by it - in fact the opposite. My eldest is more neurotic and frets about whether she'll be able to sleep still. We are still very much 'attached' to the young adult children somno bonding issues occurred.
Sadly the more I read on MN the more it feels like parents are afraid to parent and want a perfect child, who behaves perfectly, sleeps perfectly and is smiling the whole time. Parenting is tough but it's even tougher if children are allowed to make the rules.
What's so awful about training a child to sleep? We train them to do everything else. What's so awful about them crying for an hour or so for a couple of nights? It's hard to listen to and probably worse if they can see you but it's not as hard as zero sleep.

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LaurieMarlow · 27/07/2017 19:24

I totally agree Crumbs. The other thing that people seem to forget is the very real cost of long term disturbed sleep - for everyone.

A tired child can't function and learn as they should. A tired adult is in danger of making silly (or potentially even catastrophic) mistakes. It's very far from a good state of affairs.

Yet I'm always seeing on here that mums should 'woman up' and just accept long term sleep deprivation. It doesn't have to be like that.

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Allthewaves · 27/07/2017 19:29

I did contolled crying. In 4 nights dc was sleeping through from hourly waking. We used a travel cot to avoid head banging.

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Feilin · 27/07/2017 19:34

This is how i did it with 14 month old. Put her in cot left room she cried . Went back after 5 mins cuddled put back down left again for 5 mins. Repeated this til she fell asleep. Not nice . Did this for 4 nights til she clued in . Night 5 she lay down no crying and went to sleep. Not saying itll work for you .

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User843022 · 27/07/2017 19:36

'I totally agree Crumbs. The other thing that people seem to forget is the very real cost of long term disturbed sleep - for everyone.'

This ^.

An 8 mth old awake every 45mins/hr is neither ok or healthy for them or you. They need their sleep as do you.

We did the baby whisperer pat/shushing thing which is cc really but slightly softer version. 2 or 3 nights of screaming then it worked. You've got to bite the bullet and sort this.

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Writerwannabe83 · 27/07/2017 19:38

An 8 mth old awake every 45mins/hr is neither ok or healthy for them or you. They need their sleep as do you.

Absolutely!!

Following me doing the sleep training at 9 months my DS was getting an extra 5-6 hours sleep per 24 hours than he'd previously been having and that's a huge amount!!! He was such a happier baby!

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LapinR0se · 27/07/2017 19:40

Your baby needs to sleep.
You have got to help him learn how. 8 months is actually an ok age to do it.
I would try a controlled crying approach but not cry it out. Research it properly and stick to it 100%.
Please ignore the people on this thread with 2 year olds who still wake up every 2 hours. That is absolutely unnecessary and not helping him or you.

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KrayKray00 · 27/07/2017 19:41

8 months? He is still a baby! My 2 year old has only just started sleeping in his own cot and not even fully through the night. I don't recommend controlled crying but each to their own. My HV told me about "the invisible chair method" I tried it with mine about two months ago and so far so good! Have a look into that. Good luck, it is hard but you can do it Flowers

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User843022 · 27/07/2017 19:44

Also, the first night I went to bed with a flask of coffee and a book. The older dc were farmed out for one night, dh was on nights.

I kind of went to bed but to sit it out rather than sleep. I read, I drank coffee, I kept padding into DC's room to pat and shush then she just slept! The next night it was half the crying, the third even better the fourth none..
Honestly it works.

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