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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting?

108 replies

Joolsy · 27/07/2017 11:13

Last summer DD and her friend (13) volunteered at our local library to help with the summer reading challenge - basically primary school kids have to read 6 books over the summer and get little rewards when they read each 2. DD & friend were helping to sign them up & keep records of when the kids had completed each part of the challenge. They really enjoyed it last year. DD didn't feel confident enough to do it on her own. So, with each of their agreements, I signed them up for more sessions of volunteering this year, around 3 hours a week for about 4 weeks in total.

They did first session last Sat & while they weren't exactly rushed off their feet and one of them would have managed on their own, they seemed to enjoy it. Next session is today. DD's friend rang her to say she didn't want to do it anymore as she found it boring. DD tried to persuade her to come and so did her mum but she wouldn't. Her mum rang me to explain that her DD didn't want to do it. I replied saying, if she has committed to something she needs to see it through and can't cancel just because it might be a bit boring (which TBH I think is just an excuse to get out of it). She said she thought I was overreacting as it's not like it's to do with school (i.e. compulsory) and because they are kids they should be able to choose what they do in the summer holidays. I said she was letting other people down, therefore, she should stick to it and it's not a good example to tell your kids it's ok to cancel something if you decide you don't want to do it! AIBU?

OP posts:
Rossigigi · 27/07/2017 14:19

If dd's friend doesn't want to do it then so be it. You are being very unreasonable.

chips4teaplease · 27/07/2017 14:37

You are very unreasonable. You can't force people to meet commitments just because it would suit you if they did.

mickeysminnie · 27/07/2017 14:47

You are right that children should be taught to honour commitments and on that note I'm sure you made your daughter go even when it wasn't something she actively wanted to do because as you say she made a commitment to the library.
You were wrong to chastise someone else's over their parenting. How they parent is their own business.

missiondecision · 27/07/2017 15:24

The "but you committed to it" response is a standard you want to uphold. You can't dictate what other parents decide. It's weird to think you can tell another parent what to do.

Moussemoose · 27/07/2017 15:25

MyLittlePickleBoo and if the girl is spreading stories and "bitching" her mother should be telling her daughter how vile this behaviour is. Her mother should tell her talking about people behind their back and excluding them is bullying.

This is why children and teenagers misbehave.

Moussemoose · 27/07/2017 15:29

Emmeline123 if an adult let me down like this I would comment. I would try not to lecture, harangue, chastise or be condescending but I would comment. I would do the same to a teenager.

Emmeline123 · 27/07/2017 15:59

Moussemoose I would also comment if any adult let me down. I would comment if a teenager let me down. That's not what happened. The teenager let another teenager down. That teenager is entitled to tell the other teenager that she's not best pleased. Her mother can even tell the other teenager's mother her daughter's not best pleased if appropriate. What she cannot reasonably do is tell the mother of that teenager what the teenager can or cannot do and worse, what the mother can or cannot do or should or should not do to be a good example to her children.

"If she has committed to something she needs to see it through and can't cancel just because it might be a bit boring... I said she was letting other people down, therefore, she should stick to it and it's not a good example to tell your kids it's ok to cancel something if you decide you don't want to do it!"

You say you would try not to lecture, chastise, harangue or be condescending. The OP did all of these things.

Moussemoose · 27/07/2017 16:24

You could say it's none of the OPs business, but I find the passive acceptance of poor behaviour irksome. Nothing is anyone's fault and no one can comment. Children need to be defended at all costs no matter what they do.

The OP stated her opinion during a conversation, I think good for her. Should she have been a 'good girl' and not made a fuss? Making a fuss it seems is a bigger crime than weak parenting and letting people down.

Making a fuss is the worst crime an English person is capable of committing.

BarbarianMum · 27/07/2017 16:24

If someone asked me to volunteer for something with them and when I got there it was clear I wasn't really needed, there wasn't enough to do and I was bored I'd have no problem in backing out of the arrangement. I don't think it shows moral fibre to waste your time being a spare wheel.

itstoolateforthisbollox · 27/07/2017 16:27

I replied saying, if she has committed to something she needs to see it through and can't cancel just because it might be a bit boring (which TBH I think is just an excuse to get out of it)

Thats not for you to decide, and if you were lecturing me about my kid that way I would tell you to do one, especially since you are basically using them to prop up your own childs needs.

Over-reacting yes, also presumptuous, rude and taking advantage.

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/07/2017 16:38

Couldn't agree more with BarbarianMum.

MyLittlePickleBoo · 27/07/2017 16:45

'MyLittlePickleBoo and if the girl is spreading stories and "bitching" her mother should be telling her daughter how vile this behaviour is. Her mother should tell her talking about people behind their back and excluding them is bullying.'

So you're really suggesting the friend of the DD should not be allowed to utter a word about this to anyone else?... and yet the OP has posted all about it in here for thousands of people to read! HmmGrin

'This is why children and teenagers misbehave.'

Oh dear! facepalm

Scrumptiousbears · 27/07/2017 16:45

I think it's a life lesson for your DD. People let you down, get used to it. It's shit but it will happen many times in her life.

itstoolateforthisbollox · 27/07/2017 16:46

I think the life lesson is don't make other people do stuff just to suit yourself.

SpartacusSaiman · 27/07/2017 16:46

Yabu. You only lectured the mother and daughter because your daughter doesnt want to do it alone.

You dont really care about the other girl or her sense of responsibility. You needed this girl to support your dd but your dd cant rely on everyone else giving up their free time because she wanta to do something.

Why not support your dd doing things because she wants to. Regardless of who else is doing it.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/07/2017 16:59

It would perhaps have been better for the girl that wanted to pull out to face up to it and phone the friend herself to explain, rather than have her mum do it. I think that's what I'd have encouraged my daughter to do.

I don't agree that it's bad parenting to allow a child to pull out of volunteering if they decide they hate doing it and there's not much to do.. I would encourage them to take the responsibility for cancelling; ringing those involved to explain and apologise.

I wouldn't lecture another parent on how they handled it in RL though.

implantsandaDyson · 27/07/2017 17:07

The friend did ring initially and explain to the OPs daughter that she didn't want to do it anymore. The OPs daughter and her own mum tried to persuade her but she still was sure in her decision, it was then that her mum rang the OP.

lmer · 27/07/2017 17:09

@ILostItInTheEarlyNineties the friend did ring ops daughter first

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/07/2017 17:13

Ahh sorry. Ignore everything I said please Blush

Yorkshirebetty · 27/07/2017 17:14

It's not up to you to lecture the mother or be critical of the girl. Yabu. I'd have put the phone down on you.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/07/2017 17:20

Now I've read the thread properly, I agree. No need for the follow up phone call to the mum at all. Both daughters must be absolutely cringing.
Perhaps it was done in the heat of the moment, hindsight is a wonderful thing..

misshelena · 27/07/2017 17:23

I find the passive acceptance of poor behaviour irksome. Nothing is anyone's fault and no one can comment. Children need to be defended at all costs no matter what they do.

Me too, Mousse. People have said stuff to my kids over the years and it's never bothered me. Sometimes I agreed and sometimes I didn't. I just explain to them what I thought and why. I think it's good for kids to learn that reasonable ppl can genuinely disagree with each other.

I think it's a little sad that our culture has evolved to the point that today's parents are SO easily offended, that we can no longer do what communities used to do before -- keep an eye out for the neighborhood youngsters, both physically as well as emotionally.

Yorkshirebetty · 27/07/2017 17:26

She's 13! The library would close if a 13 year old girl didn't turn up to support a book club? A lot of pressure on a minor.

5foot5 · 27/07/2017 17:35

OK so next time don't railroad other children into things that your dd wants to do just so they can keep her company.

Yes this^

Chances are the other girl felt a bit put on the spot when you suggested it and didn't know how to say to you she didn't want to do it anymore.

Totally not your place to go around organizing holiday activities for other people's children and then getting arsey and lecturing them when they don't want to fall i with your plans.

Anyway, if your DD did it last year surely this year she will be confident enough to try it alone seeing as it is no longer an unfamiliar activity.

Moussemoose · 27/07/2017 18:05

MyLittlePickleBoo you didn't say "utter a word" you said "bitching".

Bitching about anyone is unacceptable. Doing it between friends behind someone's back - as you clearly imply - is significantly different to doing it on an anonymous forum.

Yes - adults condoning this type of bitching and seeing it as inevitable is one of the reasons this type of bullying is rife among teenage girls.