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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overreacting?

108 replies

Joolsy · 27/07/2017 11:13

Last summer DD and her friend (13) volunteered at our local library to help with the summer reading challenge - basically primary school kids have to read 6 books over the summer and get little rewards when they read each 2. DD & friend were helping to sign them up & keep records of when the kids had completed each part of the challenge. They really enjoyed it last year. DD didn't feel confident enough to do it on her own. So, with each of their agreements, I signed them up for more sessions of volunteering this year, around 3 hours a week for about 4 weeks in total.

They did first session last Sat & while they weren't exactly rushed off their feet and one of them would have managed on their own, they seemed to enjoy it. Next session is today. DD's friend rang her to say she didn't want to do it anymore as she found it boring. DD tried to persuade her to come and so did her mum but she wouldn't. Her mum rang me to explain that her DD didn't want to do it. I replied saying, if she has committed to something she needs to see it through and can't cancel just because it might be a bit boring (which TBH I think is just an excuse to get out of it). She said she thought I was overreacting as it's not like it's to do with school (i.e. compulsory) and because they are kids they should be able to choose what they do in the summer holidays. I said she was letting other people down, therefore, she should stick to it and it's not a good example to tell your kids it's ok to cancel something if you decide you don't want to do it! AIBU?

OP posts:

MissAlabamaWhitman · 27/07/2017 11:44

You can't impose your version of parenting on to other people.

It is supremely arrogant to do so.

I'm sure that this woman knows what is in her daughters' best interests far better than you.

And make no mistake, her interests lie squarely with her daughter, not you, your DD or indeed the library.

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/07/2017 11:45

X - post with RebornSlippy who said it so much better than I .

AfunaMbatata · 27/07/2017 11:46

It'll be good for your DD to realise she can manage on her own.

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 27/07/2017 11:46

RebornSlippy it's not about the services-it's about lone working. If my volunteers don't show up, I cannot open. And the SRC is one of our busiest times of year. The additional help with sign ups takes huge strain off library staff who, IME, are already overstretched.

MissAlabamaWhitman · 27/07/2017 11:46

So basically just be wholly passive aggressive Cariadlet?

Yes, that's a marvellous trait isn't it?

Far better than being fickle, I'm sure

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2017 11:48

I think you need to apologise to the other parent. Explain you were over invested and worried about your daughter and apologise for saying what she should or should not make her child do.

user1492287253 · 27/07/2017 11:49

yabu
you can think what you want. other mother has a different view. quite a few 13 year olds cant be made to do anything.

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/07/2017 11:49

Well yeah, your library is fucked then, if you have to rely on volunteers to that extent. The people to get angry with are the ones cutting funding (and I'm sure you are angry), not flaky teenage girls.

RebornSlippy · 27/07/2017 11:49

Again, Supersoary, there is no strain. No-one is being overstretched. There is ample work for one volunteer and too little for two. The girl was obviously bored because of this, therefore doesn't want to go back.

She's 13. Christ. To put the onus on a 13 year old volunteer's shoulders to keep a libary open is really pushing it!

RebornSlippy · 27/07/2017 11:50

We have to stop meeting like this Margot!

BarbarianMum · 27/07/2017 11:50

OK so next time don't railroad other children into things that your dd wants to do just so they can keep her company. It's quite a big commitment and it was your/your dd's idea. What this friend needs to learn is to stand up for herself and say "Thanks but no thanks" not drag herself to stuff she doesn't want to do (and where she's not really needed). Obviously it would have been better to say it when the idea was first mentioned - maybe she finds you a bit forcefull and difficult to refuse?

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/07/2017 11:50

That was to Supersoary.

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/07/2017 11:51

RebornSlippy - people will start talking.

HorridHenrietta23 · 27/07/2017 11:51

Well it's not really your business to teach your dad's friend about commitment so let it drop. The real issue, is that YOUR dd is not confident enough to do it alone and still wants to go. You can't pressurise the friend into staying because your dd lacks confidence, that's unfair. Work with your dd on ways to feel confident enough to do it, she'll get a real sense of achievement from that.

anmool · 27/07/2017 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 27/07/2017 11:54

Yeah, it probably is. I already know that.And we are pissed off with the service cuts, believe me. I'm sure there are other volunteers, and I personally wouldn't rely on a 13 year old as a sole volunteer but I do think if you make a commitment you should stick to it.

I don't think the OP should have said anything to the girls mum though-that's not her place.

NotMyMonkees · 27/07/2017 11:54

Did the friend feel pressured into agreeing, because your dd wouldn't do it without her? This is a good opportunity for you daughter to build her independence, she's getting to the age where she needs to step out on her own and do the things she wants to do, irrespective of whether her friends are doing it. I hope you'll encourage her to keep going.

Emmeline123 · 27/07/2017 11:54

Just to add another one to the pile: YABVU.

It's not your place to tell the other mother how to parent. Keeping with a commitment is a good thing to teach a child - so are social skills, to include knowing when to keep quiet.

iseenodust · 27/07/2017 11:56

YABU. Friend rang to tell your DD. Friend's mum rang to also explain to you. They've communicated with you fairly. It's not ideal and I do think you should follow through on a commitment but as a family they've made a different choice.

PerspicaciaTick · 27/07/2017 11:56

Focus on helping your DD develop the confidence to do this on her own. She will really feel like she's achieved something and should rightly feel proud of facing her worries and doing the task anyway.

Leave the other family out of it.

Bluntness100 · 27/07/2017 11:56

Also apologising to the other mum is an important lesson to teach your own child, that when we behave badly and over react we should be big enough to apologise for it. I'm guessing the other mum isn't happy with you ( I'd be fuming) and your daughter doesn't want to go either.

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 27/07/2017 11:57

So my yanbu was more about the commitment than the telling off

Libraries are a pretty emotive subject for me, please excuse my comments. Just realised I derailed the thread somewhat

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/07/2017 11:59

*Supersoary" I can understand why it's emotive. We are lucky that we live in a city and our library is adequately staffed and well used, although the opening hours have been substantially cut.

Craiconwithit · 27/07/2017 12:00

Reported the spammer.

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/07/2017 12:00

Bold fail Supersoary.

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