Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting?

108 replies

Joolsy · 27/07/2017 11:13

Last summer DD and her friend (13) volunteered at our local library to help with the summer reading challenge - basically primary school kids have to read 6 books over the summer and get little rewards when they read each 2. DD & friend were helping to sign them up & keep records of when the kids had completed each part of the challenge. They really enjoyed it last year. DD didn't feel confident enough to do it on her own. So, with each of their agreements, I signed them up for more sessions of volunteering this year, around 3 hours a week for about 4 weeks in total.

They did first session last Sat & while they weren't exactly rushed off their feet and one of them would have managed on their own, they seemed to enjoy it. Next session is today. DD's friend rang her to say she didn't want to do it anymore as she found it boring. DD tried to persuade her to come and so did her mum but she wouldn't. Her mum rang me to explain that her DD didn't want to do it. I replied saying, if she has committed to something she needs to see it through and can't cancel just because it might be a bit boring (which TBH I think is just an excuse to get out of it). She said she thought I was overreacting as it's not like it's to do with school (i.e. compulsory) and because they are kids they should be able to choose what they do in the summer holidays. I said she was letting other people down, therefore, she should stick to it and it's not a good example to tell your kids it's ok to cancel something if you decide you don't want to do it! AIBU?

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/07/2017 12:01

Could your dd find another friend to do it with? Or could you do a few of the voluntary sessions with her until she's confident to do it on her own?
It would be a shame for your dd to pull out of the arrangement too.

To be fair, it does sound as though the other girl's mum has tried to persuade her dd, probably using the same argument you are using.
She can't force her or guilt trip her into doing it.

Sorry but I think you over reacted.

RebornSlippy · 27/07/2017 12:01

Hey Supersoary no worries! I have a couple of work related trigger topics myself... but lets not go there Wink

As an offside, keep up the good work, libraries rock Grin I always wanted to be a librarian when I was a nipper!

Pengggwn · 27/07/2017 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anecdoche · 27/07/2017 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntMarch · 27/07/2017 12:12

If it were my daughter wanting to drop out I would at be expecting her to do the following week to give her friend or the library the chance to find someone else. So I kind agree on a personal level, but as it is not your daughter it is not your right to impose those opinions on the other girls parent.

Take the opportunity to encourage independence in your own daughter. Maybe you could go with her, and once she has got going leave her to it.

MrsOverTheRoad · 27/07/2017 12:12

You're naturally disapointed for your DD but it's the perfect opportunity for you to give your DD encouragement to go it alone. You shouldn't have critisicized the other Mum. Not your place.

Supersoaryflappypigeon · 27/07/2017 12:16

Thanks Reborn and Margot Flowers

WeAllHaveWings · 27/07/2017 12:23

I replied saying, if she has committed to something she needs to see it through and can't cancel just because it might be a bit boring

YANBU to say that to your own dd if she backs out of something, YANBU to say this to your own daughter about her friend. YABVU to lecture another parent. This would be similar to the other parent lecturing you on how your dd should be confident enough to do this herself and not need a friend there especially since she has been already and knows what is expected now.

Your job is to now to either encourage your dd to find another friend to join her, do it herself, or if she wants to drop out support her.

missmoz · 27/07/2017 12:23

I would have found it really embarrassing if my Mum had chastised my friend for not seeing something through. You know this is going to end up with the friend saying something to your daughter don't you?

Your job should be giving your daughter the confidence to go by herself, not telling off someone else's daughter.

Moussemoose · 27/07/2017 12:24

The girl signed up, she agreed to it and made a commitment. Of course she should do it. The other mum makes her own decisions but when she is complaining about rude teenagers - see many other threads - this is one of the reasons. The girl needs to be held responsible for her actions. No one forced her she agreed.

If an adult dropped out of a commitment you might comment why not a teenager? She knows right from wrong. She has made a decision, the decision comes with implications, she has let people down and needs to know that.

This is why teenagers think they can get away with poor behaviour, quiet simply because they can and do. Small actions lead to big actions.

Doublefecker · 27/07/2017 12:25

Yabu. She's 13 fgs! It's all very well saying she should see the commitment through but on the flip side should we not also be teaching our daughters that it's ok to be honest about their feelings, that it's ok to say no, and that they don't have to be little people pleasers all the time? She doesn't want to do it anymore, let it go.

Having been a trustee of a charity I can attest that quite a lot of (adult) volunteers didn't see commitment through. The only ones that annoyed me were the ones who just stopped being involved without any communication. I would never have judged somebody who said actually, it wasn't for them. The clue's in the word voluntary

livefornaps · 27/07/2017 12:31

I think now's the time to teach your own daughter that people will drop out of these things but you shouldn't hang around waiting for people to do stuff with, you should just plough on alone.

I would have missed out on sooooooo much if I'd have waited for friends to join in with me. 13 is the ideal age to learn that, it will set her up in good stead for the future.

I think you've just been crossed off her friend's mum's Christmas card list though...!

MsHarry · 27/07/2017 12:37

You can't control other people and their children. I would now focus on your DD and really encourage her to do it alone, the personal achievement gained and confidence for her will be huge. Tell her if she does it you will reward her with whatever floats her boat.

Ceto · 27/07/2017 12:43

I'm amazed that anyone thinks YABU. Of course if you sign up to something you should see it through, especially if backing out means you are letting other people down - and this child is letting down both the library and your daughter. A 13 year old should certainly be learning that; if she grows up thinking it's fine to let people down, she's in for some nasty shocks in future.

Another point that is worth bearing in mind that making connections and relationships like this will always come in useful. When your daughter is old enough to work, for instance, the library will probably be very happy to give her a reference. They're not going to do that for the other child.

Cleanermaidcook · 27/07/2017 12:49

While I agree that it's important to teach your child that if they commit to something they should see it through I also think it's not your place to teach this to someone else and their child.
I think you're upset because it means your daughter will have to go alone when she didn't want to, while this is disappointing it's just tough. It's a good chance to teach her self reliance and independence. x

Buck3t · 27/07/2017 12:49

YANBU, the slackness about parenting on this thread is shocking.

You have every right to share your opinion, and you may have been a little upset and more forceful with it because it leaves your daughter in a predicament, but you are right to voice your disapprovement.

However, you need to help your daughter with her confidence levels, and by ensuring she continues in fulfilling her obligations, you will stand her in good stead going forward.

Moussemoose · 27/07/2017 12:50

And that is why teenagers think they can get away with stuff, because adults say "ohhh they are only 13".

At 13 you are old enough to know you agreed, it is a relatively small, boring commitment. Never mind you just have to put up with it because you agreed to do it.

It's not that big a deal. Stop making excuses for the child. Parents who make excuses for their children drive me mad! I work with teenagers many of whom have 'issues' and one of the biggest issue is their parents inability to make, or encourage them, to follow through on a given course of action.

OP - your daughter is learning a valuable lesson and she does need to do it on her own.

misshelena · 27/07/2017 13:06

Mousse, I agree with you re. parents expecting too little and making excuses for their kids. But I think OP's concern is not really about how DD's friend is being brought up. I think OP is upset that DD now has to go it alone, and probably worried that DD will also quit.

Buck3t · 27/07/2017 13:07

Moussemoose 100% what you said.

SparklyMagpie · 27/07/2017 13:10

Will your DD be commiting to doing this on her own now OP?

Although i get what your points were, i'd be pretty pissed if you said this to me. I wouldn't like my parenting being attacked

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/07/2017 13:15

I also think OP is worried her dd will want to give it up as well, and she'll have an almighty struggle forcing her child to do something she doesn't want to do, but she can't back down because she's made this big song and dance about commitment.

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/07/2017 13:18

Actually I've just reread the OP and she doesn't say anywhere that her DD has said she won't now do it on her own, so apologies.

I still think OP shouldn't have had a go at the other mother.

MyLittlePickleBoo · 27/07/2017 13:29

How rude of you! YABVU.

One of the girls in my class at school had a mother like you. Bossy, pushy, opinionated and always stuck her nose in where it didn't belong. The result? No-one wanted to be her friend (even though she was a lovely girl).

Don't for a second think that your daughter's friend won't be bitching about you to all of their friends right now. If I were you I'd seriously think about doing some damage control - let your DD contact her friend and arrange to do something else or just hang out this week so this incident is quickly forgotten about. If your DD is disappointed in her friend it's for her to have it out with her, not you.

lmer · 27/07/2017 13:56

Yabu- maybe it will be good for your dd to do it alone

Emmeline123 · 27/07/2017 14:03

Moussemoose, very few people are saying it's good to teach kids to drop out of commitments. The vast majority are saying as I did - that it is good to teach your own kids this. Not someone else's mother. It's extremely rude, bossy, arrogant and condescending of OP to lecture her friend's mother.

I'm sure there's plenty about OP and her parenting (eg, this) that her friend's mother would criticise her over. This will likely damage this friendship, potentially very badly. Not much of a lesson to OP's kids on how to handle life's challenges.