Who is right - the generation gap

[TwoGhostsGoToWar]

A teenage girl lives with her grandmother (through choice) and sits on the floor in front of a full length mirror to do her make up. The mirror is at the top of the second set of stairs outside her loft conversion bedroom. She uses this mirror as it has natural light from behind. The grandmother moaned about makeup laying around. The teenagers mother suggests an old towel is put in front of the mirror so loose powder doesn't touch the carpet and to prevent makeup stains if make up leaks and so no blusher, mascara or lipstain containers tough the carpet. The mother gets and old towel and places it down where needed. The grandmother says 'I don't live like that' and removes the towel and gives the teenagers a small wicker basket to put her makeup in. Months later a brush is dropped by accident and a make up stain appears. The furious grandmother cleans the very small mark on the carpet and berates the teenager. She rings the girls mother and wants the teenager to move out. The teenager wants to put a towel down to stop further accidents the grandmother point blank refuses. To add to this the grandmother regularly visits the girls room and tidies it up, throws items out belonging the girl and complains it is messy. She says the teenager has no entitlement to privacy because she is living in HER house. The teenager tries to explain that her room is her personal space. The grandmother refuses to accept this. Who is right?

I don't think the teenager should be placed in the position of potentially dealing with a poorly grandmother (falling, funny turns, etc) and I don't think the grandmother should be placed in the position of dealing with chastising a teenager.

As far as I can see, granny needed teenager to keep an eye out in case of emergencies or falls. Not to stain her house and leave towels around, or cause any stress.

Normally I would be on the side of the teenager, but knowing my own two grandmothers, someone coming in and moving their things, staining carpets, and leaving rooms (even though the room is the teenager's bedroom) untidy would be unbearable.

Unless there is some huge other reason, get the teen home.

I suspect the towel is the straw that broke the camels back.A teen that cannot move a towel and is supposedly there to help her Gran is probably not helping with cooking,cleaning etc.and if Gran has had enough then she should be respected and teen should move.You and your teen cannot dictate to your mother how she gets to live in her own house.

Are you the mother?

I think you need to get your daughter home and tell her she was being really petty. Then organise some home help/panic button for the grandmother.

I agree with Crumbs: The teenager has chosen to move into Grandmothers house so must abide by her rules.

It's basic respect. Especially when you're living in someone else's house. If this is the extent of the rules it doesn't seem much to ask for a bigger room and an en suite!

Pick up the fucking towel. Daughter has been asked not to leave the towel in the hallway, and that should have been the end of the discussion. She is a teenager, and it is not her house.

Granny has already rang the mother asking the girl moves out.

Girl and mother should have enough respect for granny to make that happen. End of.

Ditto
pick up the towel follow the house rules or move out Team Granny here you're both taking the piss

Not sure what decade the concept of "my bedroom, my personal space" for children came about.
I was a teen in the 70's and my bedroom was only my private room in the sense that if I wanted quiet time I could go read/watch tv/ colour etc. there.
My children were teens in the 90's. Same rules, it was only private in a small sense; doors remained open, no food and dirty dishes, manditory linen changes etc.

Sounds like the grandma is a bit fed up with the teenager living there, doing teenage things.

I would put a small mat type rug down instead of a towel. Looks more presentable and does the same job.

Teen should keep her room better. Grandma doesn't have right to chuck stuff out but teen has to accept house rules. Maybe compromise on teen agreeing to take down cups/plates daily and empty her own bin/clear rubbish up weekly or whenever bin is overflowing if that's more than weekly, without fail. Grandma should stay out of room barring looking from the door to check agreements are stuck to.

If Granny has a knee replacement it won't do her very much good to keep climbing 2 flights of stairs to check on teenager! If the teenager won't move a towel or keep her room tidy, she is not mature enough to live with housemates because that involves a lot of compromise. It's time for teenager to move home and for you to spend more time caring for your mother.

Not sure what decade the concept of "my bedroom, my personal space" for children came about.

I agree. I was expected to keep my room at the same standard at the rest of the house, and I expect the same of my son. Personal space only goes so far as having a say in decorating and being able to retreat for some private time. If DS decided he wanted to paint the walls black, it would be a no. And keeping it hygienic and clean is just something you do when you live in a household. It's part of learning basic life skills.

The teenager has chosen to move into Grandmothers house so must abide by her rules.

This ^^ is the bottom line.

To add to this the grandmother regularly visits the girls room and...throws items out belonging the girl

That's called theft. The girl would probably be better off not living somewhere where her in-effect landlord is stealing from her.

Theft or parenting? It doesn't sound like the young person is very mature.

If the grandmother wants the girl to move out, that's the end of the story, surely? She moves out.

From what I've read it's the grandmother who is BU.

Mother and teen have both tried to put a barrier between the carpet and makeup it's grandmother who has removed it.

Grandmother is wanting everything how she says, giving no leeway(sp?), yes it's her house but teen is there to help her out, otherwise she would probably be paying through the nose for a night time carer.

And as for personal space and the whole thing of "my house, no entitlement to privacy"
How many people would be going batshit crazy if a landlord said that and just walked in without notice or knocking first.

Mother and teen have both tried to put a barrier between the carpet and makeup it's grandmother who has removed it.

The teen is not in her bedroom, she's doing her makeup in the hallway. She should clean up after herself and put her makeup and towel back away after using it. Grandmother has already asked that it be at least put in a basket as it no doubt looks messy left laying around in a hallway.

you say granny is going into teenagers room and throwing thigns away? is she throwing away banana skins?
apple cores

underwear she doesnt approve of?
important paper work?

The corollary of not being with mummy and daddy is that other people,e (e.g. Landlords) don't put up with her bullshit when she damages the property she is living at.

If she really wants to grow up properly she needs to stop being irresponsible and tidy her makeup and the towel up after each self adoration session.

Or come home where people indulge her selfish, childish behaviour.

Grandma has passed the age of putting up with teenage bullshit and it sounds like your D left home to grow up and is now refusing to do so.

I think there are bigger issues here.

Why doesn't the teenager live with her mother?

Is there problems at home?

What an absolute disservice you do your spoilt brat of a daughter by dismissing the idea of her picking up the fucking towel because "oh she's a teen"

Unless teen is some kind of code word for selfish spoiled brat?

Pick up the dirty towel and move her home.

I'm PMSL at the idea that this is some kind of transition for 'independence' at uni.

Moving in with a grandparent is not semi independence. There is more to this than is being said.

The teens needs to pick up the towel. Its not hard.

Since the parent isnt living there and says things like 'she wont pick up the towel as she is a teen'. I suspect there is more going on and there is loadsof other things she just wont do.

The grandmother is doing the teen a favour. She has set rules and wants her room tidy. Personally i let my teen dd have her room how she wants, but the grandmothers house is not the teens home and the grandmother had made requests.

The teen needs to abide by her grandmothers rules, wether she agrees with them or not, or move back home.