To think DH expects too much?

[mistreyus]

Hi all,

My DH and I have been married for 2 years and we have 3 DS who are from my previous marriage. Aged 16, 10 and 7. My DH is studying abroad and lives away most of the time and I work in a high pressure job that involves travelling. I have to get 3 children to 3 different schools by 7:15 every morning and often don't get home until 1900 at night when my priority is getting kids fed, washed and to bed. I am constantly exhausted. I also have a part time job at weekends to keep us afloat money wise.

I'll start by saying my DH is absolutely committed to our children. I don't doubt that for a minute, he spends any spare time with them encouraging them etc.

DH has often commented on my children's behaviour. He seems to think that they are very poorly behaved. I just think they are normal kids with the exception of DS 3 who can be a handful.

I told him he should look up normal kids behaviour and then we could talk about it. This morning, the two youngest kids were dressed but neither had brushed their teeth or washed; nor had they made their beds. DH decided to inform me that he has been looking into kids like I told him to and he has read (apparently on numerous pages) that our kids are developmentally behind. Which straight away got my back up. Our kids are pretty much just normal kids as far as I can see.

Apparently DS2 who's 10, should by now, get up himself (which he does) get dressed himself (which he does), go and wash his teeth without being told (never happens) and make his bed. Plus put all his clothes away without being asked (which he does after being told). And DS 3 who's 7 should only need telling to do all that and then should do it.

I got annoyed right away. He's saying the kids are developmentally behind because they need telling and nagging to do chores?! They are all bright and intelligent, and maybe if I didn't have such a short window of time to spend with them each day I'd care more about nagging until they did all these things without asking; but frankly, I'm more interested in actually getting them to school; and getting to work. To me, it's more important to know that they are able to do it than that they go and do it without me asking.

I feel like he's attacking me and my parenting when I think that most people would struggle to do less than I do. It's alright for him to judge when he's 1600 miles away and I'm doing it all on my own. My house is spotless; I earn; my kids are polite and well mannered.
AIBU? Should I be worried?

He's barely even there so he's got no right to comment. Your kids sound normal,

And DS 3 who's 7 should only need telling to do all that and then should do it.

of course, if she's been told, she should do it?

I'm guessing this has nothing to do with "development" and is to do with your children not doing what they are told?

They are your kids, and it is up to you if you have chosen not to instill obedience, but I can imagine it must be exhausting and wearing for your DH to face at home if they don't follow simple instructions.

have to get 3 children to 3 different schools by 7:15 every morning and often don't get home until 1900 at night when my priority is getting kids fed, washed and to bed.

a 16 year old? really? why are they not getting themselves to school, yes that is developmentally behind! Unless there is a good reason you have not mentioned!

How many times a week does the 16 year old cook dinner?

DS1, who's 16 goes to school an hour away from where we live. He gets himself up, dressed, lunch ready, irons uniform and helps with his brothers. He gets home when we do as the bus drops him 4 miles from our house.

The kids do as they are told once they are told most of the time.

I think the phrase he is missing is , "should be able to" which I'm sure your kids are, it doesn't mean, "will do it all the time without prompting".

I'd bet even money you have to prompt your dh to do some stuff.

There are many many grown adults who can do household chores but choose to pay someone else to do them.

Most people can wash up by hand but how many people use dishwashers?

They sound normal OP and that would piss me off as well.

'Instill obedience' - - another thing I've failed at, clearly.

Sashh, that's my point exactly. Does anyone's children always do these things on their own with no reminding/nagging? Surely it's normal to nag. Occasionally they will do all these things unasked but mostly they don't.

DD 5 gets herself up,brushes her teeth and gets herself dressed mostly unprompted on school days. It's part of out routine,and it's how we do things.
You do things differently and that's up to you. He's nearly never there anyways so it's not like he's running himself ragged looking after your kids.
The only reason you should maybe look into getting them more independent is that your life sounds utterly exhausting with two jobs,a house and 3 kids to look after. But that's for you and your well being.

Your children sound perfectly normal and not doing things like making your bed have absolutely nothing to do with development.

Your husband sounds like someone who has never had children. You say you have been married for two years, but how long have you been with him before that?

You have been parenting full time for 16 years whereas he has been around your children part-time for a ? a few years. I suspect he has not met many other children the same age as yours so has no comparison.

He does not know more than you about child-rearing so tell him to fuck off stop criticising you and your children.

He has not got children of his own, which I think is the problem. He honestly wants the best for them, I do believe that, it's just that I find it difficult enough without stressing over the fact that I have to tell them to do things. It's not like they can't do them, surely there is a difference?

We only lived together a few months before we got married and he moved away 11 months after that, so I think he finds it all overwhelming.

Do you know his parents? It could be worth asking how many of these things he did unprompted at the relevant ages.

Wow. Your DH is never around, gives you no practical help, expects you to pick up everything so he can go off and study abroad, and then crtiticises how you do things when he does come home? Sounds lovely.

I think in your shoes my response to my husband raising this would be to suggest that he is welcome to come home any time and pick up some slack so thay either (a) you are not run ragged and constantly exhausted and can spend more time with the kids or (b) he can spend some time with HIS kids and work on their discipline himself.

Must be nice to completely absolve yourself of all family responsibility and then crticise from the sidelines

Wow. Your DH is never around, gives you no practical help,

they are not his children though

Oh, we can all be perfect parents from afar, eh? A bit different to being in the trenches though.

He's being critical of your parenting so he can fuck right off. You've been doing it just fine for the last 16 years and you've got a lovely family who do what you ask (eventually!) by the sounds of it with no need for your DH's 'wisdom'.

Tell him to take a week off and parent them alone the way he thinks it should be done. See how expert he is then the knob.

Could you cut your hours or employ someone to help around the house? Maybe live somewhere cheaper. All your lives (except DH) sound very stressful and it can't be good for such young children to see so little of their mother.

That is the issue though they are not his kids are they and he has no experience of having kids and watching them grow up etc.

Kids will need reminding to do things until they leave home, as parents that is part of the job. If they are not back chatting, willingly doing these things when reminded and getting out of the house on time I really wouldn't worry.

To be fair by 10 I would only expect to have to check teeth were done and only because it is so important.

Mine have never made their beds and they're 14 and 17 ... my fault though - my 14 year old has to be nagged to wash his hands even if he's been working on his bike (ugh) and don't get me started about teeth ... your children sound perfectly fine - your DH sounds like someone who thinks children are all the same and should do what they're asked when they're asked

Your children sound perfectly normal, and it sounds as if you're doing a brilliant job with very little help. Your dh's expectations are unrealistic - all he's doing is putting more pressure on you. Not helpful or useful in any way.

You work 2 jobs, raise 3 children and keep a house. He studies abroad and is hardly ever home. He has no experience with children, doesn't really knows yours, he should not comment on your parenting.

One of the greatest surprises of being a parent for me was that life isn't like the tv and children don't just automatically do what you ask straightaway! Of course most of us nag constantly!

Op it's very easy to be an expert on parenting when you don't have any dc of your own. This sounds like a silly suggestion but ask your dh to watch some Supernanny programmes on YouTube. He will soon come to understand that your dc are perfectly normal and well behaved You are doing a marvellous job don't let your dh's comments get you down.

Well, I have a 7 year old and our mornings are mostly me saying "DS, put your shoes on" "DS, what are you doing?" "DS - SHOES!"
Its a pretty common complaint from other parents in the playground so I'd say totally normal, even if not ideal.
If your 16 year old has grown into a perfectly independent, competent young man then you quite clearly know what you're doing and I wouldn't be accepting any advice or criticism from a man who has never raised children.

Living abroad isn't commitment to the family in my book.

I'd being telling him to fuck right off. The kids are fine, you must know you'll get loads of people on here saying your DH is bloody well right , but back to the real world - he is being totally unrealistic. I hope he has redeeming factors as basically you are in this "relationship" on your own. Must be great to live abroad and only come back to criticise!

I have an idea.

let all three have a sleepover next time he is home, 4-5 friends per child.

Then take to your bed with man flu - he can write detailed notes on what each child can and does do to report to their parents.

Tip off the kids to not do anything unless asked.

your DH has to be the change he wants to see. if he just turns up and starts criticising everyone that's a rather odd detached lack of compassion that's keeping everyone at arms length
tell him none of you need analysing and he should pitch in and think before he speaks.. is it necessary?, is it helpful? etc

for your kids to switch between single parent battle to keep on top of life mode when dh is away to having him return and nag mom could feel quite unsettling.

onus is on DH as an often absent adult to make his contribution and presence a positive one

So cutting the story short, he's hardly ever at home, and when he is, instead of helping you, he criticises your parenting? To the extent that he's googling shit on the internet, and using that as a weapon to berate you with. Do you think your children are aware of his criticism because frankly they must dread him being around if they do. Is that fair on any of you? He sounds an absolute arsehole OP and I think I'd be laying down some pretty firm ground rules of what is and isn't acceptable to say to someone who is working very very hard to run a household as a single parent most of the time.........